𝑀𝑦 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑠𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑔𝑢𝑛 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠𝑛'𝑡?

𝐵𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑡.

"Justin, I need to do this. I love you but I just can't-"

"You can't love me Angelina. I am going to die and the killer is you."

Suddenly sound of extreme gun shots pass my ears and I keep moving backwards scared and terrified.Tears rolling down my eyes, no Justin, no.

•••×•••

Angelina Bress, merely a teen like most of you. But the secrecy in her eyes; will kill you!

Justin Sarcaster, the most charming and a adorable guy for everyone; but who knows what he actually got in his mind?

Will the two reversals set up some love or just a trap?

What is their exact intention?

Read this book to find out!

The way the font is presented and the colors are creative and unique. Your photo is centered and the author's name is on there. The only thing is that the photo used is a little dark, and it looks like your cover designer didn't add any filters or crop your photo in a unique way. You can leave it as it is, but the quality of your photo (mainly the lighting) throws me off.

From the summary you provided in my critique shop, I learned that the two main characters are trying to kill each other. However, the clear plot isn't mentioned in your story or your blurb. I struggled for the title to make sense, and it doesn't have a nice ring to it. I suggest rephrasing it, or coming up with a better title. You can use a quote from your story, create several titles, and find the one that appeals to you the most. The important thing here is that it should tie in with the plot and bring in the right readers.

From reading your blurb, I can see an amateur writer. Don't take offense to this; everyone was an amateur once. But you have spelling/grammar mistakes from left to right, your blurb is too long, and you misuse punctuation (specifically orthographic). For example, "gunshot" should be one word, you have unnecessary filler words, and your sentences could be more polished and restructured.

Don't assume things for your readers either. By saying, "Angelina Bress, merely a teen like most of you", you're pushing away people in their twenties, thirties, and more who decided to give your book a try. It's good to have a target audience, but you should never directly assume your readers are all teenagers. Because of this, you likely have fewer readers than you would have if you removed this sentence. You've misused a semicolon, and the way you structured your blurb is eerily similar to pretty much every blurb for a story on Wattpad. Too many times, I've seen blurbs that have an excerpt from a scene, information about the girl, information about the boy, then the questions of "what will happen when they meet???" and etc. Don't be afraid to be more creative. By using this same method, you're downplaying your story and giving your audience something they've seen a million times before. What is the real plot here? All I can see is that this will be a romance story, and the only information you've given here contains pretty much the same thing I've seen from a lot of amateur books on Wattpad. The italicized excerpt in the beginning is a wonderful hook for your blurb. It's interesting and makes your readers think. In the excerpt coming after, you're missing necessary commas, and you could break one sentence into several rather than stringing a lot of clauses into one.

Last, never say this: "Read this book to find out!" Obviously, the blurb is used to entice readers into clicking your story, and by adding that at the end, it can drive away readers. It's unprofessional and unnecessary. Rather than sprinkling information about the girl, then information about the boy, try only revealing the plot. Your readers can learn about your characters later. The only thing revealed here should be their names, the triggering action (that sets off the story), and the problem (climax). Here, only one of these three are mentioned in your blurb. I suggest restructuring your sentences, getting rid of filler words, adding necessary words, and doing more research on your grammar and punctuation.

Here, your writing is all over the place. You're missing necessary capitalization, your sentences could be restructured, and I thought this was an author's note at first since you were addressing your readers. As a writer myself, I never suggest communicating directly with your readers unless you're an experienced writer. There are tricky rules that should be applied when addressing a reader directly, and it doesn't look like you're at that stage with your writing yet. I'll specifically point out the red flags for me in your chapter one review.

I found a lot of repetitive grammar errors here. For one, you often forget to capitalize on a lot of words. Keep in mind that if it's the first word of a sentence, specific person, place, or thing, it should always be capitalized. Along with that, the word "I" should always be capitalized, no exceptions. In addition, your story should only be written in one tense. You have a lot of awkward tense-shifts and slip-ups that I suggest correcting. Lastly, it looks like you're struggling to understand what a comma is used for. A comma is used to separate several clauses in a sentence. Think of a sentence having several topics, and you should separate these topics with a comma. You can do more research on this later, but keep the basics in mind for future writing.

It looks like you've handed me a rough, rough, rough draft of your story. When you upload your story on Wattpad, you should always proof-read it first. You have a lot of silly spelling errors that could easily be fixed with a scan through your document. I also suggest using an online writing tool to help you, such as ProWritingAid. This site will help you catch spelling/grammar mistakes and help you learn from your mistakes along the way. I suggest going back though and editing all your chapters. I struggled to write a review of your story, because I couldn't tell which sections you actually needed help with. Next time, when you submit or apply for a review in another critique shop, I suggest handing a polished version to your reviewer. That way, they will know which parts you actually need help with, and won't focus on the silly mistakes and typos.

You said that the main genre is Mystery, and the subgenre is Romance, but for me it feels like it's the other way around. Romance seems to be the main center of your story from your first chapter, and will drive away readers looking for some suspense and thriller. Either change the genre as a romance for your story, or incorporate more secrets and suspense in there. The only mystery I got in the first chapter is some unknown man in Angelina's life, but then again, that sounds more like a romance problem to me. Even if your story doesn't pick up until chapter five or six, your first chapter should immediately address the plot for your story. What is your character's event? What is the action that triggers and sets the story into motion? To me, your first chapter felt more of a filler chapter. Along with that, your plot is lacking creativity. Your first chapter started off exactly in the same way so many other books on Wattpad did. You introduced a beautiful, smart, and perfect main female lead, then addressed the best friend who drags her to a party to find a guy. There wasn't any surprising element in your first chapter, I could already predict what was going to happen. I suggest really establishing the plot for your story. If your story doesn't gain traction until chapter five, then I suggest starting your story at chapter five, and just get rid of the chapters coming before it.

You said that Angelina was pretty, but you didn't describe how. Don't be afraid to add physical descriptions (as long as you're not overdoing it). What about Sofia? All I know about her is that she likes shopping and partying (which sounds suspiciously like every side-character/best friend on Wattpad). I want you to establish personality. Focus less on the physical, and more on the mental.

I encountered so many grammatical/spelling errors in your writing, that I couldn't make out your actual writing voice. I suspect that these are all silly typos that you have the ability to understand and clear up, but didn't. If you clean up these errors, then your writing voice will greatly improve. Along with that, writing a book is like writing a song. You shouldn't just write down what you're thinking. You have a lot of restructuring and tightening to do with your sentence. I can see potential here. I also suggest incorporating more prose. What about similes, metaphors, sensory detail, etc? I didn't see any of this in your writing.

Your transitions were very awkward and strained. It looks like you struggled with writing a seamless transition. This isn't something that I can offer help with, since doing so means I'd influence my own writing voice over yours. Instead, try thinking of the best way to present a scene. How can you gradually switch the tables?

For your first two paragraphs, write out your numbers. Even better, you don't need to include numbers at all. Since you've included in the beginning that you're mentioning three things, separating three words into three paragraphs will notify your readers that those are the three things. When writing, you have to write as though your readers are smart people. Don't dumb down information, because it can get slow for your readers and boring. Usually, one-third of your audience will struggle a bit with their common sense when reading, but the majority are sharp and will catch onto things quite quickly.

"Nothing more, Nothing less." (p.3). You have a capitalization error here. You should only capitalize on things if it's the first word of the sentence, a specific place, person, or thing. Correction: "Nothing more, nothing less."

"Perfect beauty with amazing brainstorms." (p.3). Already, this sentence is pretty much every beginning of every cliche story. The female lead is always pretty and always smart. Saying "brainstorms" doesn't make sense, however. Don't you mean "brain"? This sentence is a bit odd. Besides, you are basically telling your readers that Angelina is vain, and considers her beauty to be one of two of her greatest assets. A normal person doesn't go around telling people they're average looking, so why make the exception for pretty people? You are writing in Angelina's voice here, so be careful when describing her. If she continues to refer to herself in a flattering way, your readers will be put off by her need to describe how pretty she looks. It's okay to be vain, it's normal. But in writing a story, talking about how pretty someone is shouldn't be referenced at least until later, unless it's relevant to the plot.

"Don't expect this to be a casual one..." (p.3). Casual what? Try restructuring this sentence. Even if Angelina claims that her story will be chaotic and messy like her life, you shouldn't write it as such. You want to write a story that will be clear and understandable for your readers, not thrown together last minute.

"So here wo go..." (p.4). Spelling mistake here. Make sure to proof-read your story before uploading it, or these tiny mistakes will be lazy and unprofessional looking for your readers.

In paragraph 5, you need to capitalize the word "I." That word should always be capitalized, no exceptions.

Paragraph 5 is a hot mess. You write one thing, then contradict yourself. First, you say Angelina loves creating crises. Then you say that she doesn't. If you're trying to show that your character is in some kind of internal struggle, this should be presented in a better way. Your writing shouldn't look like you're writing what you're thinking; thoughts are always messy.

I can see a lot throughout your chapter that you refer to Angelina in several subject pronouns. Sometimes, she refers to herself as "I," other times she says "she" and others, she even says "they." Choose one subject pronoun, one perspective, and stick to it.

"Tomorrow was going to be my first day and I still have no idea what's going on with me until I get a call from the girl of my heart 'Sofia'." (p.9). This sentence is messy and can be restructured. You're missing a comma, and "Sophia" doesn't need quotations around it. Try to tighten and shorten this sentence. You also have a lot of tense slip-ups. It looks like you're writing this story in present tense, so words such as "was" should be "is."

"No! there's nothing like what you might be thinking right now." (p.10). "There's" should be capitalized. Along with that, this sentence can be restructured. You have a tendency to write in a much more confusing way than what it could be. Along with that, is there a reason why your character is so adamantly against gay people?

Paragraphs 12-14 should be one whole paragraph. Only start a new sentence when someone new is speaking. Along with that, you shouldn't explain a nickname. You have to show it through interaction and scenes. Your readers will pick it up along the way.

"She is just so awesome. How can somebody know me so well? Lucky to have her though." (p.15). You're missing commas and often write as though following your thoughts and afterthoughts. Correction: "She's just so awesome. How can somebody know me so well? Lucky to have her, though." Still, with these corrections, this paragraph is weak. Keep the rule show, don't tell in your head. You shouldn't have to tell your readers this, you should show it.

In paragraph 16, you have several tense slip-ups. You should write out the word "ya" to "yeah." You don't have to include, "(Is it even legal to admire your best friend lol)" because, yeah, obviously friends admire each other. That's basically what a friend is. Saying "lol" in your writing is unprofessional, too.

"'Hey, babes', I hushed stressfully." (p.17). The comma should be inside your dialogue, and your dialogue tag can be tightened. Correction: "'Hey, babes,' I stressed."

Paragraphs 14-18, you randomly had a tense-shift. Make sure to correct all these. Past tense or present tense; you need to choose one.

"I stared at her in anger but I liked her care for me." This sentence is missing a comma and doesn't make a lot of sense. Along with that, don't just state that she's angry. Describe the feeling, her body language, and facial expressions.

In paragraph 20, you're missing necessary capitalization. Remember that the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized.

In paragraph 23, this is the second time I've seen you use the word "stressed." Try to broaden your vocabulary and strive for less repetition.

It looks like your character half-heartedly argued with her friend about shopping, going to a party, and finding a guy for her. This scene is a little too familiar. Every cliche book on Wattpad uses a scene where the friend drags the reluctant MC to a party to find a guy. Is there a way you can mix this up? Strive for more creativity here. Also, I want to see less dialogue. I want to know the internal struggle of your main character as she gives in to go. Along with that, her argument was weak. She said, "No!" Then after the friend says literally one thing, she says, "Fine!"

For a beginner writer, you're off to a great start! There was a lot of room for improvement in terms of the creativity of your plot, your grammar/spelling mistakes, and tense slip-ups. However, if you focus on polishing your draft and broadening your vocabulary/diction, your writing will improve immensely!