'A single dream, a single moment, a single word, a single second, makes all the difference, for it be life or death, happiness or depression, love or hate.'

She has faced everyone of them. A dream that plagues her nights, a single moment when everything she had was lost, a split second decision that very well changed her life.

* * * * *

Ryan get the f*** down this instant. You know I have a fu*ing date. I will kill you if I get late!!

I'm too busy for that right now and I know you have a fu*king....date. Who's it with, a guy or a girl?

What the hell did you just say?

I didn't. I texted.

Ryan??

Ummm, sure, why not.

Who the hell are you?

You tell me. You texted, not me fu*kboy.

F***, wrong number. I don't have time to deal with this sh*t.

Ooh, someone is angry😡.

* * * * *

Meet Alicia River Quince, 17 year old in high school with a twisted past and many, many strings attached. She lives hoping to get though high school with her head down, but it becomes impossible, when five boys, well seven men for that matter, barge into her life turning it upside down. When everything she knew with certainty becomes elements of doubt and uncertainty. Every move was scrutinised for manipulation. One is a snake and the other is a scorpion. She doesn't know who to trust.

Slowly, as time passed, the betrayal and lies by her loved ones creeped into her heart which got to a stage where she couldn't handle her heart anymore, hurt by constant treachery.

The past that haunts her nightmares, starts chasing her, hoping to become her future, despite all her constant objections and all of hell breaks loose, coming after her.

But soon, she will realise that things in her past were nothing compared to what was coming for her!!

* * * * *

Will she become as cold as the East Antarctic Plateau or will someone be able to worm their way into her shattered heart and mend it?

I enjoy the picture that you used for your cover. I took off a few points because I couldn't read the title very well. Try changing the color of the font to make it pop out more from the photo. You can also use different apps to add filters and enhance your cover to make it more professional looking. If not, there are many cover makers on Wattpad who can make your book cover for free.

From reading your blurb, I can see why you chose the cover that you did. I get the vague impression that your story is about a girl learning to overcome things from her past. Your title makes sense, and it relates to your story. Overall, you did a wonderful job at letting your readers know what your story is about.

First of all, your blurb is way too long. There are so many details that can be removed. Along with that, I've struggled with finding the main plot of your story. What exactly is your story about? It wasn't until I reached the end of your blurb that I got a foggy look at what your story is about. Even so, your writing is all over the place, and I found myself realizing that you've included a lot of insignificant details and repeated statements—not to mention the grammatical and spelling errors I've spotted. The blurb is extremely important because it opens a sneak peek of your story to potential readers, and when they read that blurb, they'll either click on your story or move on. My impression of your story is that Alicia River Quince is struggling with a twisted past, and just when she's on the verge of healing, seven men barge into her life and make things a lot worse. If that's what your plot is about, then keep it short and simple. You don't need to write a whole paragraph about how she struggled and warred with trust issues, because that's what the actual writing-the-story part is for. Just keep it concise and understandable for your readers. Along with that, the texting portion of the blurb does not need to be there at all. It does not add to your story's plot in any way. If that's the way Alicia meets someone, that's great—but it isn't part of your main plot.

I definitely like the mysterious quality you've added to the beginning of your story. It makes me wonder who this mysterious person is that Alicia is thinking about. However, your first sentence could be a paragraph by itself—it's that long. There are a lot of missing commas, and your sentence could be structured better to be separated into several sentences with periods. Right now, your hook is essentially a run-on sentence, which makes it hard for the reader to understand. Along with that, you've switched frequently between past and present tense. It was hard to tell what your story was set in, but I'm going to assume that you were going for past tense. What startled me the most is that your character interacted with the reader directly, using the word "you" to address the audience. While this isn't incorrect, it's hard to address the audience directly. And once you start, it should be continuous and consistent throughout your entire story. Many people often use it wrong because it is a complicated process, so if you aren't knowledgeable or experienced in that area, I suggest you take the "you" out. And by using "you," it lets the reader know that you are telling them something rather than showing them something. Remember the rule, "show, don't tell." If you have to talk to your readers directly, that's a sign that maybe you should rephrase your sentence to show your readers something rather than telling.

There were a lot of grammar issues going on with your story. First of all, keep in mind that any specific thing, place, person, or start of a sentence should be capitalized. Words such as "I" should automatically be capitalized as well, and I can see that you are struggling with this. Along with that, try to do some more research on proper conjunction and commas. Do you know what commas are used for? They are typically used to describe lists, or separate independent/dependent clauses. You don't put a comma just because it sounds like it should be there; there are certain rules that apply with commas. You are also missing a lot of commas and tend to write long run-on sentences that are paragraphs long. This will make it hard for your reader to understand, so try to work on knowing when to end a sentence and when to start another. You also struggle with knowing when to start a new paragraph. New paragraphs should only be started when someone new is speaking. If the same person is speaking, it should stay in the same paragraph.

By going through your five chapters, I've caught a lot of spelling errors, typos, and misused words. Before you upload any chapter on Wattpad, try to edit and proof-read your work first. Something I suggest doing is using a helpful site such as ProWritingAid, because it will point out any spelling/grammatical errors and provide new suggestions on how to structure your sentences better; so that your readers can better understand it.

Unfortunately, I've read way too many books on Wattpad that have a similar plot to yours. Along with that, I was a little disturbed at the fact that Alicia's ex-boyfriend turned out to be her biological brother—no matter if they're half-siblings. That means there's some incest going on.

I did not get a sense of Alicia's character through your writing. You did not show the readers what kind of girl Alicia is, except for the fact that she is a tomboy. Even so, that description is very vague. Along with that, I've had trouble identifying who was who, particularly among her brothers. You need to add some personality traits that will differentiate them from one another, or they will all blend together in your readers' heads. Try to think: Is Alicia shy or brave? Is she usually happy or sad? What about her brothers? Which one is the rude one? Which one is the nice one? Dramatize these things so your readers can remember. Along with that, try to address her flaws so that we can see some character development in your story. What skills will she develop as the story progresses?

There could be a lot of improvement in this area. Try to experiment with different descriptions. Try to incorporate imagery and figurative language, or sensory detail into your writing. If you don't know what those are, you can try to do some research on that. Another suggestion would be to read other stories on Wattpad. Try to find why you like the way an author writes. What is their writing style? What do they have that you don't? By reading other stories, you can improve your own writing style/voice.

An important skill for every writer is to know how to flow smoothly and transition into the next scene. I can see that you are struggling with this a lot because you simply separate scenes with lines to indicate that time has passed. This breaks the flow of your story and ruins the tension for your readers. Look at other stories and take note of how the author moves into the next scene. You can try to incorporate that into your own writing. And only transition if it makes sense. If you have a moment where you are describing her brother, and then suddenly Alicia has a flashback of her mom dying, those two aren't related at all. It makes no sense why you disrupted the flow of the story to add that there. The transition needs to be smooth and gradual, so it makes sense for your readers. With more work, I guarantee that you will improve over time.

"Driving past a town as familiar as the back of my hand in a black Range Rover on the passenger seat next to man wearing a sharp blue suit with grey eyes and dark hair, my emotions started over taking my sense." (paragraph 1). Already, we have several problems here. This is a run-on sentence that can be separated into several sentences to make it more clear for your readers. Along with that, you wrote "next to man." Don't you mean "next to a man"? Make sure to go through your manuscript thoroughly to catch these mistakes. Along with that, remember that you have five senses. So you should be saying, "my emotions started taking over my senses." If you are referring to a specific sense, such as sight, or taste, then you should mention it. If not, "sense" should be converted to plural "senses." Do you also really have to describe the car? This sentence can be considerably shortened.

"Watching the life I once knew pass by, I think of the one person who matters to me the most, the one person who owned my heart completely and for whom I'd do anything, my mom." (paragraph 1). Again, try to restructure this sentence into something easier for your readers to understand. Writing a book is like writing a song. Always be thinking to yourself how to make something sound better when you read it out loud. Along with that, earlier you were writing in past tense. However, here you've changed to present tense. Correction: "Watching the life I once knew pass by, I thought of the one person who mattered to me the most; the one person who owned my heart completely and for whom I'd have done anything. My mom." Do you see how I've separated this sentence? Along with that, if you're going to mention Alicia's mom, you need to explain how she matters to Alicia, and why. Unless you do so, there's no purpose in mentioning her here.

I'm not sure why you've separated your paragraphs with the

"The car ride was silent. Looking out my window at the scenic beauty my eyes widened with wonder." (paragraph 2). You have missing commas here. Correction: "The car ride was silent. Looking out my window at the scenic beauty, my eyes widened with wonder."

Check through your second paragraph. You have a lot of tense slip-ups and capitalization errors. Remember that the word "i" should always be capitalized.

Wait... hold up. Alicia was talking about life, and then suddenly you switched over to describing the man next to her. One of the most important skills as a writer is to know how to transition smoothly into the next scene. Maybe, as she was thinking, her brother cleared her throat, and then you could launch into an explanation of who he was.

Again, same problem from when you jump to talking about Alicia's brother to a flashback three days ago. They need to be connected somehow. I don't understand how you went from talking about something and then turn the subject to something completely unrelated. You need to connect your ideas together into one whole topic. Maybe as you were describing Alicia's brother, he asked about her mom. Then Alicia could start crying and have the flashback. Do you see how I've transitioned from one scene to another here? It looks like here you just slapped a flashback to your story just for the fun of it. You should stop and think of how to smoothly move from one scene to the next. Remember, writing is a form of art. You want it to be the best it can be.

"'You can't be serious' i said with a dry laugh." (paragraph 8). First of all, there needs to be punctuation at the end of your dialogue. In this case, it should end in a comma because the dialogue and dialogue tag is one whole sentence. Second of all, you need to capitalize "i." It is small mistakes like these that will turn readers away, because it can give the impression that you are lazy and unprofessional. Correction: "'You can't be serious,' I said with a dry laugh."

In paragraph 11, you wrote "Ms." That word should be written out if there is no name attached to it. Correction: "Miss."

Try to do some research on what happens when someone dies. It's unlikely that the police would just let Alicia close the door to their face without questioning her and asking for additional information—or just talking to her to make sure she'll be okay. Instead of guessing what would happen, use the internet as your resource.

Paragraph 15, it should be "caller ID", not "caller Id."

"A button of professionalism was turned on." (paragraph 17). What is this supposed to mean? Do you mean to say that David's voice took on a more professional tone? Try to make this clear for your readers.

I was under the impression that the flashback was over. If you stop italicizing your words, your readers will get confused with what is the past and what is the reality. And instead of saying "one week later" or "one hour later," try to smoothly transition from scene to scene. Just say, "An hour later, I was..." Make sense?

In paragraph 21, you described David as having a "fake smile." However, right after that, you wrote that he was the closest thing to a father that Alicia had. A fake smile indicates that David doesn't care for Alicia or doesn't really want to be there right now. If you want to show your reader that David is dreading telling Alicia bad news, you should elaborate further on the fake smile, instead of just stating it and moving on. What other body movements showed his nervousness and dread?

Remember to only start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking. In paragraphs 24 and 25, Alicia is the only person talking, so those paragraphs can be merged together.

Hold on. So we've just learned that Alicia is still underage, not an adult. That means earlier, when the police visited her house, they definitely should have stayed to talk with her about her mother and the details, and ask questions to make sure she has someone to stay with in the meantime. Why was this not included? Again, try to do some more research before guessing what would happen.

"It was a freaking 'MANSION'." (paragraph 3). Try not to write in all caps because it will look unprofessional to your readers. If you want to emphasize something, try using italics instead. Along with that, the extra quotation marks are not needed around "mansion." Correction: "It was a freaking mansion."

"'Shut your mouth or a fly will fly in.' a deep voice jolted me out of my thoughts." (paragraph 4). "A deep voice..." is a new sentence, so "a" should be capitalized. Remember that if it is a specific person, place, thing, or start of a new sentence, it should always be capitalized.

Check your entire chapter very carefully. I've caught many capitalization errors, mainly being "i" not being capitalized. "I" should always be capitalized.

If Alicia is having a small flash back, you don't need to tell your readers that she's having a flashback. They'll understand because you've written it in italics, and prior to that you've let them know that Alicia was having a memory. Writing that there will be a flashback will only take away from the plot and ruin the tension and flow of your story.

"Looking at the small cottage from my small eyes, which made it look huge." (paragraph 10). This is not a complete sentence. You need to have a subject attached to the verb. Correction: "I looked at the small cottage that looked huge from the perspective of my small eyes." Did you notice how I've also restructured this sentence to make it less awkward?

Remember that you should only start a new paragraph when someone is speaking. In your flashback, if Alicia's mom speaks, you don't need to start a new paragraph when she speaks again. You can merge them together into one paragraph. If you don't do this, it will be incorrect.

If Alicia is having a thought, it'll be easier to read for your audience if you italicize it. Go through your chapter thoroughly to apply this suggestion.

"'Come on. You have to meet the rest of your brothers. They are waiting for you inside.' My eldest brother said." (paragraph 15). "My eldest brother said" is not a sentence by itself. Therefore, "my" should not be capitalized, and your dialogue should end in a comma, not a period. Correction: "'Come on. You have to meet the rest of your brothers. They are waiting for you inside,' my eldest brother said."

"I followed him inside the house staring around does eyed..." (paragraph 16). You have a spelling error here. I believe you meant to say "doe eyed" and not "does eyed." Try to go through your manuscript carefully to catch these mistakes.