"Demons are like obedient dogs, they come, when they are called..." The witch stops with a wicked smile "And I was called just like the rest."

Magic. Everybody thinks that magic is... perfect, it's beautiful and wonderful and that it is just blinding, divine good. It's not. Anybody who lives... anywhere where magic is leaking like a tap that never turns off, knows that magic... Is one of the worst things on the planet. Magical beings exist, witches exist. But where a witch dwells, there also dwells pure, unadulterated evil of the Devil.

Nobody knows how they come and how they go, nobody knows what they look like and have lived to tell the tale, nobody ventures into the Forbidden Woods where the Wicked Witch of The East lives. Everybody knows that.

But Midnight was sick, and Jae-Ho had no choice but to steal from HIS garden.

He didn't think the consequences would go that far.

"Hate in return for love, great pain in return for great health, sorrows in return for eternal joy, death in return for a life, sacrifice in return for power. I do all this, just for you. So tell me dearest Jae-Ho, how am I cruel when I give you what you want?"

You've used a lovely picture for your cover, but I'm not sure how it relates to your story. It should be something significant that your readers can connect with as they read your story. Along with that, the font you've used for your cover is very plain and simple. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, but you can always experiment with different types of fonts, the sizes of each word, the colors used, and where it is on your cover. You can also use filters from apps such as PicsArt and Phonto for font.

Your title makes sense. I can tell that it's related to your story, and it's very poetic sounding. You could always experiment with different titles and different structures for this title, and find the one that you like the most. Or you could also use a mysterious title or quote from your story that your reader can have a lightbulb moment with. If not, that's fine. Your title relates to the story, and although a little long, it's a good title!

I enjoy the way you've used descriptive language in your blurb. However, it is too long. It took me a while to reread your blurb several times to find the main plot, and even still, it was still a little confusing. There were also many grammatical errors I found, such as misplaced commas and missing punctuation. Along with that, you've used all caps on some words which can take away the professional quality. You can remove a lot of the detail, and just keep your blurb short and mysterious. My take on your blurb would be something like this:

This doesn't mean that this is a copy and paste moment. I showed you how you can take out the unimportant details, and just keep the information vital to the main plot. Find the best structure for your blurb. What works and what doesn't? Along with that, I love the last dialogue ending your blurb. It really makes me think, and it's mysterious enough to get me excited.

I enjoyed your hook a lot! You jumped straight into the story without stalling, and even from the very first sentence, I was learning something about the world that your main character is in. One problem I have seen is that you struggle with tense slip ups. I will point these out throughout your review of Chapter 1. I also really enjoyed your descriptions with the "blood curdling" and "gut twisting" feelings going on. You really incorporated Jae-Ho's feelings and added a personal touch to your hook, automatically making your reader feel more connected to Jae-Ho and essentially, you.

The main thing that I've spotted while reading through your chapter is your use of commas. Commas should be used to separate independent or dependent clauses. Before you use your comma, always ask yourself this: Do I really need this comma? Most times, you just used a comma to replace a period, and wrote a sentence about a paragraph's length long. This makes it hard for your readers to focus on the tiny details, because you're shoving all this information to one sentence, and just adding onto it instead of stopping with a period and starting with a new sentence. You also had many tense slip-ups throughout your story, so much so that I've had a hard time distinguishing whether it was past tense or present tense. I will point this out to you throughout your chapter one review.

As far as I know, there weren't very many typos in your story. You did a wonderful job at that, so I commend you on your effort to write without errors! However, there were several words I caught that you've misused in a sentence. Before using an unfamiliar word, ask yourself if you really know what it means, and don't just throw it in there. Try to be selective with your diction and broaden your vocabulary. Otherwise, I was very impressed by your effort! A suggestion I would make is to use ProWritingAid, a site that is great for catching any spelling/grammatical errors.

Usually, the first chapter will begin addressing the issue in your story. However, I've had to scroll down through Jae-Ho's entire childhood and Midnight's physical attributes and assets. I was not informed of any problem or occurrence that set the plot in motion. Is the information you're showcasing really necessary to the plot? I only got a few snippets here and there about the forest and the evil creatures. Try to set your story in motion without getting sidetracked with Midnight's beautiful skin and hair and Jae-Ho's height. Because you keep pausing to explain things such as their appearance and things that aren't really relevant to the plot, you kept breaking the flow of your story, and I frankly had trouble understanding what exactly you were writing about. There are a lot of things that can be removed from this chapter, and things that should be added and elaborated on. I will point them out during your one chapter review. I only understood what your plot was from your blurb, and I do like the idea that you have. You are definitely on the right track, twisting the tale of Rapunzel with your own ideas and turning it into your own.

From what I've read of your chapter, I didn't get a lot of personality from your characters. I definitely got a lot of gorgeous descriptions of what they look like, but I didn't really get to connect with your characters in the personality department. What are they like, really? Along with that, your readers will not be able to connect with your characters. You described Jae-Ho and Midnight as being people who are inhumanly beautiful with an out-of-the-world kind of beauty, which isn't very common in real life. What flaws do they have? I felt very disconnected, because I didn't really get a feel for how strong their bond/friendship is, and I don't know if Midnight is shy, or brave. Try to cut back on the physical descriptions and think about the inside. You described the forest as being contained with creatures that are ugly on the inside, so try describing what your main characters look like on the inside too. There needs to be room for character development in your story. What flaws do they have that they will develop in the story? What skills will they acquire? These are all important things that the reader will want to know in order to build a strong connection to your characters.

I was moved by your vivid descriptions. It's clear you have no problem in this area. You describe things with an achingly acute eye, and your diction is just incredible. Everything you wrote was just beautiful, and I was amazed by how many vocabulary words you incorporated into your writing. The only problem here is that you often used your writing voice to focus on the unimportant aspects of your story. Try to focus on Jae-Ho's surroundings, and less on what he looks like.

I was having trouble reading your story because you frequently interrupted your story flow with some description that wasn't relevant to your story/plot. Stay on topic and try not to get distracted while writing. Something that would help is to set a loose plan for your chapter and establish what you will write about. That way, you can catch yourself when you are writing off track, and leading your readers off the path of your story. I didn't really sit at the edge of my seat while reading your story, because there were a lot of distractions and unnecessary details to unimportant things (such as appearances of your characters).

"Many rumors and legends surrounded that place, every single one of them sending a chill through Jae-Ho's spine, every single story making his blood curdle and twisted his guts painfully." (paragraph 1). There are several things wrong with this starting sentence. If you take away all the commas, it turns into a continuous sentence that could be separated with a period or semicolon instead. You've also missed proper conjunctions (and, but, etc) that should go along with the commas Along with that, your story is set in present tense, but you wrote with past tense. Last, you described every story "making his blood curdle," and "twisted his guts" which does not match up with the tense. "Twisted his guts" should really be "twisting his guts" to match up with the present tense used in the sentence, the key word being "making." Correction: "Many rumors and legends surround that place; every single one of them sending a chill through Jae-Ho's spine, and every single story making his blood curdle, [and] twisting his guts painfully."

"... not like last time where she almost went inside." (paragraph 2). The word "where" is used incorrectly here. You are describing the past, so the word "where" should be replaced with "when." Correction: "... not like last time, when she almost went inside." Can you also see the comma I added? This sentence is made up of dependent clauses, which is a "first" and "then" moment, and needs to be separated by commas.

"The Forbidden Forest had beautiful emerald green nature and shrubbery, with vibrant and joyful looking flowers, even the soil from afar looked rich and divine, the animals always chirruped at them, trying to ode them in." (paragraph 3). You mixed up your tenses here, remember that your story is set in present tense. Along with that, if you're describing the forest as beautiful nature, then "had" should be replaced with "is a." If you mean to say the forest has a beautiful nature (personality) then it is accurate, you just need to write it as "has a" instead of "had." You also tend to have comma splices, which is separating sentences with misplaced commas. Many of your sentences should be separated, but you are stringing them into one whole sentence. If you write about flowers and soil in one sentence, you should start the next sentence with the animals instead of just adding on the previous sentence. Lastly, you've misused the word "ode." The meaning of "ode" is a lyrical type poem, so I don't know what it's doing in this sentence. Correction: "The Forbidden Forest has a beautiful, emerald green nature with vibrant and joyful looking flowers. Even the soil from afar looks rich and divine, and the animals always chirrup at them, trying to lure them in." Can you see how I've added necessary commas, taken some commas out, and added semicolons and periods? I've also replaced words that were inaccurately used here and corrected the tense slip ups.

Check paragraph four, you have a tense slip-up.

In paragraph five, you shouldn't have to explain something as the narrator. I'm sure you've heard of the rule, "show, don't tell." Don't explain that they were ugly on the inside, show it. Your readers will know what you're talking about if you do a good job of showing them that their beauty might have flourished on the outside, but it was the inside that was all rotten and ugly.

In paragraph six, you've just done an info-dump. An information dump is essentially piling all the important information of your character's world, clumping it all together, and throwing it to your readers. Your readers will not be able to,—and most likely will not want to—comprehend this huge pile of information. The main reason is that it feels like a history lesson, and your readers aren't here to learn, they're here to absorb. Try sprinkling this information throughout your story, writing about it when it's necessary. If you just want to let the reader know about the fairies and evil creatures, you have to do it at the right time or your readers, frankly, will not care. Along with that, remember when sprinkling this information to convert it to present tense.

"Midnight had seen him once when they were younger, around twelve (around the same age as Jae-Ho), Jae-Ho had caught her a few steps inside with a wistful look on her face as she looked around in wonder, her eyes glittering in an orange-amber colour unlike her usual storm of silver-grey and sea-foam green." (paragraph 8). Read this paragraph carefully. Do you see what I see? Because what I see is that this whole entire paragraph is one sentence. You have a habit of just adding to your sentences and separating them with commas without proper conjunctions. This makes it hard for the reader to read and appreciate your descriptive language. Along with that, does the reader really need to know that Midnight was around the same age as Jae-Ho? It breaks the flow of your paragraph/sentence and is not necessary to the plot. Along with that, I don't really have a sense of their surroundings. Midnight caught her a few steps inside where? Their home? The forest? Correction: "Midnight had seen him once when they were younger, and Jae-Ho had caught her a few steps inside with a wistful look on her face. Her eyes had glittered in an orange-amber colour, unlike her usual storm of silver-grey and sea-foam green." Here, I've also removed the "as she looked around in wonder," because you've already described the look on her face as "wistful."

In paragraph thirteen, you wrote: "Either way." A suggestion would be to replace the period with a comma and include it in your next sentence. Correction: "Either way, Jae-Ho hates the very idea of the witch." Along with that, the word "witch" has been unnecessarily capitalized. You added a definite article in front of "witch" so it shows you are already referring to a specific witch and do not need to capitalize it.

"Both were nine-years-old, Midnight was lost and abandoned in the forest by an abusive family who no longer wanted to care for her." (paragraph 17). You do not have a proper conjunction here, and this happens frequently throughout your chapter. "Both were nine-years old, and Midnight was lost; abandoned in the forest by an abusive family." You also don't need to add that the abusive family didn't want to care for her, because if Midnight was abandoned, it's pretty obvious her family didn't want to care for her.

In paragraph 22, you should write out the numbers, even when describing height. If not, your readers will think your writing is lazy and unprofessional. Along with that, you are piling your readers with a lot of backstory and info-dumps. There are ways you can make this more interesting and less of a history lesson for your readers. You can describe what your characters look like using a flashback, or describe how their parents were delighted when Jae-Ho brought Midnight home. It looks like your writing is very scattered and all over the place. Try planning out your chapters in order of events, instead of adding information as an afterthought.

I enjoyed the descriptions you used for your characters; they are absolutely vivid and lovely. However, you spent around five whole paragraphs just describing the way they look. Some readers will turn away at that, because it doesn't look very professional or planned out. If you want to give your readers a visual of what Midnight and Jae-Ho look like, try sprinkling in the information as you go along. And don't just explain that things were happening, describe them as though they were happening right now. For example, when Jae-Ho brought Midnight home. You could elaborate on that and turn it into its own scene.

So now you are describing that Midnight looks ill, and Jae-Ho is bringing medicine to her. But where are they? For all I know, they could be in the middle of nowhere. It makes me feel a little lost, because I can't quite grasp a visual for where they are. Try to spend less time describing what Midnight looks like, and more of the setting and their surroundings.

"Midnight looks glad he can hear it too." (paragraph 40). Show, don't tell. How does Jae-Ho know that Midnight looks relieved? Can you explain it more in depth?

"'C'mon eat up.' Jae-Ho says..." (paragraph 41). "Jae-Ho says" is not a sentence by itself. It is included in the dialogue sentence, so the dialogue should end in a comma and not a period. "'C'mon, eat up,' Jae-Ho says..." Can you see how that is one whole sentence now? I've also added a necessary comma.

I've been scrolling through your chapter, and I am shocked by how much you wrote! What you wrote can be separated as at least three chapters, and should not be all in one chapter. The reason why is that many of your audience will be reading on the go, so writing each chapter between 1,500-2000 words is a good limit. Try separating this chapter into several chapters instead of just one.