A witch named Syrma lives as a broom maker in the small town of Wolfhollow. Humans have been outlawed a long time ago, but the guards are ordered to bring their leaders one specific human. Annabelle Cox. Syrma decides to help her hide from the authorities, and Syrma realizes humans are magical in their own way.

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I can definitely see the connection between your story and your cover. However, your title isn't centered, and it's actually cut off a bit on the top. There are a lot of filters you can play with to make your cover pop more by using apps such as PicsArt. There are also a lot of really good cover artists on Wattpad, so if you're looking to update your cover, find one whose covers you really enjoy, and you can apply for one of your own.

Your title does have a fantasy/magical feel to it, which I like because it will draw in the right readers for your story. One thing I'd recommend if you haven't figured this out already is to make a connection from your title to your story. Give your readers a lightbulb moment so they can read a specific part of your story and realize why you chose that title for your story.

One thing I'd like to point out is that I like how brief and short your blurb is. I always recommend blurbs to be concise and to the point, which is what you did with yours. However, writing is like dancing, or playing music. You want to experiment with your diction and add your emotions into it. Make your writing something beautiful. While your blurb is short, it is also very factual and can be boring for your readers. In what ways can you structure your sentences to make them more interesting? For example: John lives in a world full of witches and wizards. His job is to protect the door between the magical world and the human world. One day, a girl crosses to the magical world, and he has to keep her safe while finding a way to bring her home. This blurb is very boring. It is extremely basic and factual, as though writing a nonfiction story. You can make your blurb look more magical by using descriptive imagery and sensory detail. Experiment and find what works for your writing. If I were to fix this blurb, it would sound something like this: Protecting the border between the human world and the world of magic never seemed easier to John, but when a girl stumbles her way into his world of forbidden magic, he has no choice but to find a way to reopen the human world. Time is ticking, and only John can find the wolf in sheep's clothing and decide if this girl is really worth it. It's a little longer, but I've added certain diction choices to entice readers to click on my story. Try finding what works for you and twisting your blurb into something truly magical.

Your hook, like your blurb, is extremely factual. Think of writing a story like writing a song. What is the best way to structure your sentences? Can you describe Syrma's surroundings? I got the sense that she was annoyed when she woke up because it was another boring day of selling brooms. You can amplify that feeling by adding specific diction and even throwing in a few metaphors. Write as though your readers will leave the second they get bored, because they will get bored if you don't throw them into a world they want. And in this case, they want a magical world full of witches and brooms. However, you've written your hook as though writing the events of your day in a diary. Maybe Syrma struggled to get out of bed because she didn't want to suffer through another predictable day. Try to describe the different jobs in Wolfhollow with vivid detail—without boring your readers to death. What is the most interesting way to write your hook? How many similes and metaphors and idioms can you find in your hook? If there are none, then it might be a good idea to add some.

I am very impressed by your use of commas in your story. There were hardly any that were misplaced or misused, so good job on that. There were however many sentences throughout your chapters that could be rephrased or restructured to make it more interesting. I will address certain points when focusing on the specific details of your chapters.

Along with that, you frequently forget to capitalize certain words, especially when starting a new sentence. Many sentences have been left unfinished or abruptly started in a new paragraph, and proper grammar is often left out in your writing. Before uploading a new chapter, try to go thoroughly and check for your use of capitalization and sentence structure. These things are extremely important.

I can see that you've gone thoroughly through your work and edited your spelling errors, which is excellent. I suggest using writing sites such as ProWritingAid because not only will it catch spelling errors but also grammatical ones, and suggest new diction to enhance the experience for those who are reading your book.

So I can see that your plot is sturdy and heading down a steady road. However, have you put a lot of thought into your fantastical world? What is the history behind this world? What types of witches are there? Is there hierarchy between witches? How does the ruling system work? I'm not saying you should give your readers an entire history lesson because that would be boring. However, try to really think about how different your world is from the human world. And think about how these rules may apply to your characters, and what restrictions it provides. What kinds of magical elements are there? If there are only witches and magic, then your story is bordering on magical realism, not fantasy. Fantasy is a whole new world with different rules and systems. How and why is Annabelle found in the magical world? Or was she kidnapped from the mortal world? These things were not mentioned in your story.

I'll admit that it is hard to differentiate between Syrma and Annabelle. How can you describe them in a way so that your readers automatically know who is who? Is Annabelle afraid and shy? Is Syrma lonely and bored all the time? What are their characteristics? Not only that, but what are their physical descriptions? I'm not saying that you should write a whole paragraph dedicated to Annabelle's hair color and eye color and the clothes she wears, but sprinkle in some details throughout the stories that will give your reader a good visual of your character. And what is the atmosphere around your characters? These are all important questions that your characters are lacking in. Along with that, there needs to be room for character development. What are their flaws? Maybe Annabelle was sheltered all her life and struggled to understand the world she was in. Maybe Syrma took the magic and her job for granted. Do you see how you can really breathe life into these characters?

Again, while reading your story, it felt a little like reading someone's diary. Remember that you are writing a story, not mentioning the events during your day. How can you really write to let your emotions shine through your work and make your story come alive? One thing I suggest is to take a look at the work of other writers. Observe writers on Wattpad who have advanced writing skills and a large reader's platform. What are their strong suits? What is their writing style? Can you see the kind of person the writer is beneath their words? If so, then their voices are strong, and it's probably why they have a lot of readers. Then, go to a writer who may not be as discovered, or struggling in the same department. Try to see what they are lacking in, and if you are struggling with the same thing. How can you improve upon this? How can you make yourself shine through your work? With lots of practice, your voice will come to you.

Although you transition from scene to scene, it looks a little forced and awkward. As you're writing your sentences, try to think if what you're writing is really further advancing the plot. If not, then that sentence is unnecessary and probably can be excluded from your manuscript. There's a lot of times where you break away from your story to describe unnecessary details, and it can diminish the tension your readers would feel through your story. Don't worry, I will point out ways to improve your story flows during the specific details of your chapters.

Syrmas perspective (first two words) is inaccurate. This is a small detail, but it can drive away your readers if you don't have proper apostrophes. This really should be Syrma's perspective. The same applies when switching to Annabelle's perspective. Make sure to go thoroughly through all your chapters when switching perspectives to fix these mistakes.

There are many tense slip ups in your first chapter. I'm going to assume that you set your story to be written in past tense. However, you often use words in present tense instead. An example is: "There are so many interesting jobs here in Wolfhollow." (paragraph 1). This sentence is contradicting the tense from your first sentence, which is in past tense by writing in present tense. Correction: "There were so many interesting jobs here in Wolfhollow." This happens frequently throughout your first chapter, so make sure to go thoroughly and check each one.

"I tested out all the broomsticks yesterday, and they were sturdy and good for flying with. With a rubber band, I tied up a few and put them in a bag. Schools often pre-order brooms for all the students." (paragraph 2). This portion of the paragraph is like describing the condition of your car. It has nothing to do with the plot at all. It makes sense to describe the job of Syrma, but it doesn't have to be every single detail. The way I would describe this would be: I'd tested out all the broomsticks yesterday, and they were sturdy and good for flying on a strong, windy night. I smiled wryly as I tied a few up, feeling the smooth wood beneath my fingers, thinking of how most of my income came from schools that had pre-ordered my broomsticks. Here, I've added more descriptions, as well as structuring the paragraphs differently. I did enjoy the diction you used to describe the broomsticks, and you can always go further and experiment with your sentences. You can use my example as a guide to rewrite this. Remember that your aim is not to be factual and to the point, but to be magical and interesting to your readers.

When you're using numbers in writing, you should always spell them out unless they are more than ten. It can look lazy and unprofessional if you don't write them out. If you're writing the time, say six o'clock instead of 6:00. Along with that, remember that the goal is not to sound factual. You do not need to remind the reader what time it is every five minutes. If you're explaining that the character is in a rush, then write about how fast they ate their breakfast. The reader does not need to be taken through every step of Syrma's morning routine.

Elaborating on my point above, your readers will not find Syrma's morning routine interesting. They did not come to read about how she mixed her eggs and milk together and added cinnamon. These can all be removed and simply replaced with: "After a quick breakfast, I got ready." It might not be as descriptive, but your readers will be thankful for it. Only explain the parts that are important to the plot of your story.

"'I'm leaving for work now, Annabelle. Be safe.' I heard my mom say." (paragraph one of Annabelle's perspective). This sentence is inaccurate. "I heard my mom say" is not a sentence by itself, so the dialogue should not end on a period, it should end on a comma. Correction: "'I'm leaving for work now, Annabelle. Be safe,' I heard my mom say." This is one whole sentence, which is why the period is replaced with a comma. This happens frequently through chapter one.

I'm a little confused. How old is Annabelle? Does she even go to school? Does she really spend her day just watching YouTube? (along with that, YouTube is capitalized because it is a specific thing Annabelle is referring to).

In paragraph ten, Annabelle turns to hear a weird noise outside. When she realizes what she is seeing, what is her reaction? You only described what was going on through your eyes. You need to describe the action through Annabelle's eyes. Wouldn't it make sense for Annabelle to start freaking out? You didn't start incorporating emotions into Annabelle until much later, which made this scene almost feel ordinary. This is not what you want. You want to dramatize this moment. Make your readers gasp and sit at the edge of their seats. Maybe Annabelle's began to wheeze, her breath stuck in her throat. Panic might have stiffened her spine, and her mind could have begun to race with different possibilities as to explain what was happening.

The thought "did he see me?" in paragraph eleven should be capitalized. It is starting with a new sentence, but you forgot to capitalize the "d."

Again, remember to correct "Syrmas perspective," to "Syrma's perspective."

The "uh" in paragraph three should be capitalized.

Remember to describe what's going on with a vivid voice. Don't write like it's a diary. Write like you're truly living in the story. Don't just say that the girl bought a broomstick from Syrma. Don't just say that the girl was nervous. Show, don't tell. Don't be scared to use figurative language to draw in your readers. Try to describe your workplace, too. Try to skip pleasantries in conversations, because your reader did not come to hear about the girl asking for a broom. You could start off with "And that's three silver coins. Thank you for buying and have a nice day" and explain how Syrma watched the girl walk away with a new broomstick.

In paragraph seven, you wrote, "Everyone around me were whispering." This is an example where the rule "show, don't tell" would apply. Don't just say that they were whispering. Show that they were whispering. Example: "Whispers broke the hushed silence that had fallen in the shop, escalating as more got a clearer glimpse of the human." If you decide not to follow my suggestion, then a correction for that sentence would actually be: "Everyone around me was whispering." Replace the "were" with "was."

In paragraph eight, how did Syrma feel bad? Maybe anger scalded her spine and regret washed through her knowing there was nothing she could do. Really try to paint an image for your readers so they really know how Syrma was feeling.

"'Okay, human, hold on.' I said." (paragraph 12). Correction: "'Okay, human, hold on,' I said."

When Syrma flies on the broomstick with Annabelle, what was the experience like? Your readers came here for the experience of magic. They want to live the feeling through your characters. Describe how the wind swept Syrma's hair back, and how the adrenaline of being so high made her stomach swoop with excitement as she flew over rooftops and skimming trees.

In paragraph sixteen, Syrma's thinking. However, you did not capitalize the first word of the sentence when she thinks, "of course she knows that, captain obvious." It is the first word of the sentence, therefore it is automatically capitalized.

Take a look at paragraph 17, there is also another capitalization issue. Can you find it?

I love your description in paragraph eighteen. It gives me a wonderful visual of Annabelle, and your choice of diction is lovely. Try to add more diction like that to the rest of your story, and you'll attract a lot of readers.

It's most likely that your readers will skip over the ingredients of your healing potion. Instead, try to minimize the listing and the exact measurements. For example, you could just say: "I hurriedly gathered my ingredients, consisting of fairy sugar, gremlin eyes, eggs, unicorn hair, and so on."

You do not need to describe every detail of Syrma mixing the ingredients, pouring them into a pot, and pouring juice into a pot. These are all extremely mundane actions that will bore your readers. Try to minimize these types of descriptions.

"Annabelle but her lip." (paragraph 30). Correction: "Annabelle bit her lip."

Try not to use all caps. If you want to emphasize a point, use italics instead. Using all caps will make your writing look less professional.

Comb through your second chapter. Remember that the first word of a sentence always needs to be capitalized.

Don't forget to add whose perspective this chapter is in. It will cause less confusion for your readers.

There is a lot of stuttering going on for your characters. I understand if this contributes to their personalities and the way they speak, but I find it a little awkward that both Annabelle and Syrma stutter that much. Also, remember that in stories, writers typically eliminate words such as "uh" and "um" and stuttering because it can be annoying for the reader, and, seeing as this is a world from your brain, your characters should tend to have more smooth, eloquent speech.

"'Or if anyone is in links with her.'" (paragraph 8). You've used the word "links," inaccurately here. Correction: "Or if anyone is linked with her."

You have a lot of unnecessary ellipsis' in your writing. An ellipsis is the three dots after a sentence. Those are unnecessary, and should only be used when a thought is trailing off, a dialogue is trailing off, or if the main character is "discovering" something in the story to continue the plot. It is meant for suspense, but you use it so frequently that it becomes overused and can be tiring for your readers.

In paragraph ten, you wrote, "With a frown, I at into my legs." I'm sure this is a typo, but I can't offer a solution because I don't know what you meant to write. Be sure to correct this and look thoroughly through your chapters in case more typos or spelling errors happen.

Check your chapter thoroughly for your use of "i'll" because the "i" in "i'll" should be capitalized, and it almost never is in your writing. The correct way to write this is: "I'll."

Also check for when you use the word "I'm" because you frequently forget to add the apostrophe in the word. This is extremely important because it can turn readers away when they see this.