《critique shop》B2 | 12
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My critiques mean no offense to the story nor author. This is solely intended for the betterment of his/her work, thus it does not mean to hurt him/her in any way. Everything stated here came from my own opinion and perspective which may or may not differ from others.
The title of the story is interesting as it is, thus it's easy to comprehend. Kapag sinabing "Myth of the Past," magkakaroon na agad ng clues ang mga mambabasa na may kinalaman ito sa nakaraan. But as I've read the chapters, the word "Myth" didn't seem to suit the title. Kasi kapag sinabing myth, parang folk tale o kaya sabi-sabi. Ayon naman sa pagre-research ko, nangangahulugan ito na isang kuwento na nag-e-exist lamang sa imahinasyon ng iba. At base sa unang sampung mga kabanata na binasa ko, parang hindi "myth" ang mga napapanaginipan(?) ni Caleigh. But I'm only basing this on the first ten chapters. So hopefully, the title would be justified or more defined in the preceding chapters. Also, mas grammatically correct kapag "The Myth of the Past" ang title ng story. Because if it were to remain like it is right now, it would look like a dependent clause.
The cover is good because it goes well with the title. The manipulation of the elements was also good. Simple lang din siya tingnan. Though hindi gaanong na-emphasize ang pagka-fantasy ng kuwento. It lacks the fantasy vibes. So, if ever you were to change your book cover, I recommend you make it a bit magical (I guess) since nababanggit din sa kuwento ang mga kapangyarihan as such.
Medyo confusing ang description natin. Binanggit na "It all started with a nightmare, as the clock strikes twelve magical things will happen." Pero isang beses lang nangyari kay Caleigh ang "magical things". Doon lang nangyari sa chapter one, hindi palagi. Kasi kapag binasa mo ang sentence na iyan, nagmumukhang palaging mangyayari kay Cai ang mga "magical things" sa tuwing mag-a-alas dose na ng gabi. Kaya mag-ingat tayo sa paggamit ng mga tenses. Hangga't maaari, isa lang gamitin mo. Tukuyin mo kung ang mga babanggitin mo sa ba iyong deskripsiyon ay nangyari na, nangyayari pa lang, o mangyayari pa lang. Next, iyong tanong mo sa dulo na "What will she discover?" seemed like it came out of nowhere. Walang basis ang tanong mo, parang bigla lang sumulpot. So, try fixing that. But overall, the way the story was summarized in the description is good. Ayusin lang natin ang technicalities & grammar and we're good to go!
Medyo okay naman tayo pagdating sa setting. Na-describe mo nang maayos at malinaw ang mga lugar na pinangyayarihan sa kuwento. Pero siguro, konting push pa. Ikapit mo pa iyong five senses sa paggawa ng imagery. In terms of atmosphere naman, doon ka medyo nagkulang. Oo nga't naroon ang vivid description ng setting, pero wala iyong atmosphere. Kumabaga, hindi randam iyong ambience o aura ng setting. Keep in mind, author, ka-partner ng setting ang atmosphere and vice versa. Kapag si Cai ay nasa isang nakakatakot na lugar o hindi pamilyar na lugar (gaya ng nasa panaginip niya), mahalagang ma-narrate mor in kung anong aura mayroon ang espesipikong lugar na iyon. Ano ba ang maaari niyang maramdaman kapag nasa isang lugar siya na kay hirap paniwalaan? Hindi ba't kakabahan siya? Matatakot? O magtataka man lang? base kasi sa naobserbahan ko, nana-narrate muna ang setting-which is good-then iyong mga aksiyon na agad. Saka pa lang nasasabi ang atmosphere. Pero mas mainam na magkasunod lang o puwedeng magkahalo pa nga ang setting at atmosphere for effective narration. Hindi puwedeng mawala ang atmosphere kasi magmumukhang bland at vague ang kuwento. Try putting yourself in your character's situation.
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Caleigh
Caleigh is a senior high school girl that experiences things that are far beyond ordinary. Her dreams(?) are getting strange day by day. And a lot of unusual things are happening to her and her friends, especially Jade. But despite the things that are beyond normal, why does it seem like she's unaffected by it? In what way? Her emotions aren't that visible. She lacks emotions. Yes, she does question the things happening to her. But where are the emotions? Her feelings about what she's going through? Parang hindi man lang nabigyan ng gaanong hustisya ang nararamdaman niya. Parang hindi importante, which is the opposite. Isa sa mga pinakaimportanteng element ng isang karakter ang emosyon, author. Iyon kasi ang way para ma-console ng readers ang karakter. So, they can sympathize with the character. And having a lack of emotion is connected to the character's depth. Caileigh's character depth isn't deep because she doesn't much react to things. Again, try to put yourself in her situation. Show us what she feels. Express Caleigh's emotions.
Ang isa pa ay ang mgabinabanggit niyang ugali niya na hindi nagme-make sense. Siya mismo ang nagsabi na 'she makes things bigger when they're not' pero parang hindi naman iyon ang nakikita ko sa kaniya. Parang opposite, actually. If her personality is really like that, then why didn't she make a fuss when Jade suddenly choked her? That's supposed to a big deal too if you ask me. But instead of doing that, she just forgave Jade. Why? May pinipili ba ang ugali niyang iyon? Does she only make things big when it's not about her friends or family? Pati roon sa may narinig siyang boses ng lalaki sa kuwarto ni Cindy. Oo, kinompronta niya si Cindy. Pero normal reaction lang naman 'yon bilang nakatatandang kapatid. Though bakit hindi niya ginawang big deal 'yon? Hindi niya man lang sinumbong sa mama nila. Which is weird too if you'll ask me. Kapag may babanggitin tayong ugali ng karakter kesyo ayan, ganiyan, dapat na makita talaga ito sa karater, author.
Ang isa pa ay ang maturity ni Caleigh. She and her friends are already senior high students. She's already seventeen years old but still acts so similarly to her younger sister. And if they're not blood-related at all, it'd look like they're just the same age because of the way they act. Kapag may gagawin ang isang karakter, take it into consideration about the age. Unless if childish talaga ang personality nila. Kasi kung hindi mo siguro sinabi na senior high student na si Caleigh, grade 12 I assume, I'll probably think of her as a junior high student. Again, keep in mind their age if they were to do something.
At first, Max, May, and Jade are pretty vague. But as I read the preceding chapters, I've got to know them and distinguish their different personalities. Good job on introducing these three's personalities on Caleigh's birthday! Doon ko mas nakilala ang pag-uugali nila. But just like Caleigh, they also lack emotions. On the part where Jade strangled Caleigh, parang hindi gaanong nag-react sina Max at May. Tapos nang Mabasa ko 'yong mga sumunod na chapter, biglang may something fishy na sinabi ni Max. something along the lines na nakakaaalala na si Caleigh (good job on foreshadowing). At sa mga sumunod na pangyayari naman ay parang may alam sina Max at May tungkol sa pagkatao ni Caleigh base sa mga pag-akto nila. Yeah, I guess that somehow justified the part where they didn't much react on how Caleigh got strangled by Jade(?). However, it's 50/50. No matter how much they know about Caleigh's true identity, they're still her friends. They should at least sympathize with her. They should show emotions too.
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Hmm... medyo vague ang nanay ni Caleigh. Parang may alam din siya sa tunay na pagkatao ng anak niya. At saka parang hindi niya gaanong napanindigan 'yong role niya bilang nanay. Ang bland. It's just like those mother stereotypes. As for Cyndy, medyo naguguluhan ako sa kaniya. My first impression of her is like a brat. Masungit sa kapatid dahil iyon lagi ang ginagawa niya sa tuwing kinakausap siya ni Caleigh. And that being said, it looks like they aren't very much close to each other. But then, on the later parts, she said that she and Cyndy are close and open to each other. How? In what way? Parang kabaliktaran yata iyon ng ginagawa ni Cyndy at Caleigh. At doon sa pangyayari kung saan may narinig si Caleigh na may kausap na lalaki si Cyndy sa kuwarto niya, parang na-contradict no'n 'yong sinabi ni Caleigh. It didn't seem like they're open to each other thus doesn't hide anything and always tells the truth. Hindi convincing. Ano ba talaga ang relasyon ng dalawang magkapatid? Kung ano man iyon, make sure na iyon nga ang ipinapakita nila. At saka mainam siguro kung bago 'yong pangyayaring narinig ni Caleigh na may kausap si Cyndy'ng lalaki, ipakita mo muna sa amin ang relasyon ng magkapatid. Para maging convincing din ang structure ng relasyon nila. The same goes for their mother.
STRUCTURE
The exposition of the story is already there. The characters and main characters were introduced. The same goes for the conflict. It's slowly being introduced in the story as I go further. Thus, the rising action is already happening, which is I assume are the mysterious characters that Caleigh is meeting. Good job on that! On the other hand, try to be more innovative in your narration. Work on it. The same goes for worldbuilding. Hindi gaanong na-feel 'yon. Parang ang tabang ng pagkakatimpla roon. But setting those aside, I love how you foreshadow things in every chapter. Pero 'wag lang siguro nating sosobrahan. Don't spoil the readers too much.
CONFLICT
Sa title pa lang, mahihinuha na agad na may kinalaman sa past ni Caleigh ang magiging plot and conflict ng kuwento. The scenarios that she kept on dreaming about that eventually fuel up the plot and conflict. I could already feel the tension somehow rising. Foreshadowings were also evident there. Kudos to that!
SEQUENCING
The intro is pretty underwhelming. The narration is really meh. Hindi ko ma-feel 'yong intrigue. Oo nga at nakaka-curious 'yong nangyari kay Caleigh sa chapter one, pero hindi ko maramdaman. Parang walang buhay. Ang monotonous. Take note, dapat sa simula pa lang ay ma-hook na agad natin ang atensiyon ng readers. Kasi sa simula nila makikita kung eye-catching at worth to read ba ang story. Grab the opportunity to impress the readers on the intro. Perhaps figure out an intriguing opening sentence na talagang mapapabilib 'yong mga mambabasa. Pero sa later parts ng chapter ay bumawi ka naman. Grabe iyong panaginip(?) ni Caleigh. Chapter one pa lang, wow, ang interesting na agad. Doon ka lang talaga sumabit sa opening. So try fixing that. Moving on the first five chapters, eventful na agad. May mga nangyayari na agad kay Caleigh na interesting. Those eventful parts keeps the story up that eventually makes readers want to read more to of course, find out what will happen next. Though suggestion lang, para mas maging effective ang pag-hook sa mga mambabasa, try to put cliffhangers at the end of every(?) chapters. Para may aabangan ang readers. And setting the opening aside, the sequencing of the story is actually good. Kada chapter ay may nakaka-curious na nangyayari. Job well-done!
>| Wastong paggamit ng "rin, raw, rito, riyan" at "din, daw, dito, diyan"
▪ Ginagamit ang "rin, raw, rito, riyan" kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa patinig (a, e, i, o, u). Ginagamit din ito kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig na "w, y," dahil katunog lamang nito ang mga patinig. Ginagamit din ito kapag ang salita bago nito ay nagtatapos sa "ray, raw".
▪ Habang ang "din, daw, dito, diyan" ay ginagamit kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig (b, c, d, f...). Ito rin ay ginagamit kapag ang huling dalawang letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa "ra, re, ri, ro, ru".
Halimbawa:
❌ - "Nakita ko kaninang umaga yung counsil na pumunta dito..."
✔ - "Nakita ko kaninang umaga 'yong council na pumunta rito..."
>| Wastong paggamit ng "nang" at "ng".
▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano, gaano, at kapag inuulit ang kilos.
▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.
Halimbawa:
❌ - Kabado kong tanong NG may marinig akong kalansing sa may 'di kalayuan.
✔ - Kabado kong tanong NANG may marinig akong kalansing sa may 'di kalayuan.
❌ - Huminga ako NG malalim.
✔ - Huminga ako NANG malalim.
❌ - Dulot ng takot at kaba aynapatakbo ako NG tila may naramdaman akong sumusunod sa akin.
✔ - Dulot ng takot at kaba aynapatakbo ako NANG tila may naramdaman akong sumusunod sa akin.
❌ - Umupo naman ako NG maayos.
✔ - Umupo naman ako NANG maayos.
❌ - Pahina NG pahina.
✔ - Pahina NANG pahina.
❌ - Humangin NG malakas.
✔ - Humangin NANG malakas.
>| incorrect & correct usage of words
❌ - 'yun, 'yung, nung, nun, ganon
✔ - iyon/'yon, iyong/'yong, noong/no'ng, noon/no'n, ganoon/gano'n
❌ - sayo, niyo,
✔ - sa iyo/sa 'yo, ninyo/n'yo
❌ - saan man (May mga nagsisigawan atmayroong pagsabog na nagaganap saan man sulok tumama ang mata ko.)
✔ - saanman (May mga nagsisigawan atmayroong pagsabog na nagaganap saanmang sulok dumako ang mga mata ko.)
❌ - tinignan, meron, sintido, kinwento, inismidan
✔ - tiningnan, mayroon/mayro'n, sentido, kinuwento, inismiran
❌ - atleast, infront, thingking
✔ - at least, in front, thinking
❌ - neck tie, hazel nut
✔ - necktie, hazelnut
❌ - sinarado
✔ - isinara
❌ - isa't-isa
✔ - isa't isa
❌ - Kj (Killjoy)
✔ - KJ
>| Misspelled Filipino words and phrases
1. Kadalasan ay mag "u" sa pagitan ng k at w.
❌ - kwento, kweba, kwaderno, kwago, engkwentro
✔ - kuwento, kuweba, kuwaderno, kuwago, engkuwentro
2. Kadalasan ay may "i" sa pagitan ng "ns" at "y".
❌ - probisya, konsensya, ahensya, pasensya, ebidensya
✔ - probisiya, konsensiya, ahensiya, pasensiya, ebidensiya
3.
❌ - mapagkumbaba
✔ - mapagpakumbaba
4. Kadalasan ay may "i" bago ang pandiwang nagsisimula sa katinig.
❌ - tinuturo, tinimbog, tinatampok, pinagpapalagay
✔ - itinuturo, itinimbog, itinatampok, ipinagpapalagay
5.
❌ - ala-ala
✔ - alaala
6.
❌ - ano man, nino man, sino man, saan man, kailan man
✔ - anuman, ninuman, sinuman, saanman, kailanman
7.
❌ - natutunan
✔ - natutuhan
8.
❌ - kumento, kunsensiya, kuleksiyon, kuneksiyon, kumpanya
✔ - komento, konsensiya, koleksiyon, koneksiyon, kompanya
9. Parehong "maya-maya" ang isa at pang-abay. Ginagamitan ng malaking titik ang isa kung gagamitin ito sa isang pangungusap, talata o sulatin kasama ang pang-abay na kapangalan nito. Maaari din gamitin ito bg malaking titik (na siyang karaniwang paraan ng pagsusulat sa mga species ng isda) kahit hindi nito kasama ang pang-abay na maya-maya.
❌ - mayamaya, Mayamaya
✔ - maya-maya, Maya-Maya (isda)
10. Sinu-sino at anu-ano ang tamang pagbaybay kapag nagtatanong. Sino-sino at ano-ano naman kapag nagsasalaysay.
11.
Sino + ang = sino'ng
Sino + na = Sinong
Ano + ang = ano'ng
Ano + na = anong
12.
❌ - pwede, pwide, p'wede, pupuwede, pup'wede, pipwede, pipuwede
✔ - puwede
13. Hindi dapat pinaghihiwalay ang mga katinig kapag naglalagay ng gitlapi.
❌ - pinlano, ginripo, tinrumpi, binraso, tinrato, tinraydor
✔ - plinano, grinipo, trinumpo, brinaso, trinato, trinaydor
14. Ang unlaping i- at gitlaping -in- ay palaging magkasama. Walang unlaping ini- sa unahan ng mga katinig.
❌ - inihahabilin, inililihim, inilathala, inipaliwanag, inidulog, inigiit, inikababagabag
✔ - ihinahabilin, ilinilihim, ilinathala, ipinaliwanag, idinulog, iginuhit, iginiit, ikinababagabag
15. Sa pormal na pagsusulat ay walang unlaping nakaka-. Ang unlaping naka- o nakapag- ay kadalasan o palagiang sinusundan ng inuulit na unang pantig ng salita.
❌ - nakakatuwa, nakakatawa, nakakaangat, nakakabilib, nakakahigit
✔ - nakatutuwa, nakatatawa, nakaaangat, nakabibilib, nakahihigit
16.
❌ - tignan, tenga
✔ - tingnan, tainga
17.
❌ - kesa, keysa, mayron, meron, merun, miron
✔ - kaysa, mayroon/mayro'n
>| tags (action & dialogue)
▪ Period for action tags (dialogues that are followed by actions) and of course, make sure that the first letter after the period is capitalized. On the contrary, use comma for dialogue tags.
Examples:
❌ - "Pahingi," biglang inagaw sa akin ni Max ang kinakain kong chichirya kaya natapon ang ilan doon.
✔ - "Pahingi." Biglang inagaw sa akin ni Max ang kinakain kong chichirya kaya natapon ang ilan doon.
❌ - "Ano bang problema niya." Galit na aniya ni May habang hinahagod ang likod ko.
✔ - "Ano bang problema niya?" galit na sambit ni May habang hinahagod ang likod ko.
❌ - "Umuwi ka na, kung ano-ano ang nangyayari sa'yo," wika niya at inayos niya ang mukha hindi na maipinta.
✔ - "Umuwi ka na, kung ano-ano ang nangyayari sa 'yo." Wika niya at binago ang mukha niyang hindi na maipinta.
❌ - "Yeah." Mahinang sagot ko.
✔ - "Yeah," mahinang sagot ko.
❌ - "Kantahan na ang birthday girl!" Masiglang sigaw ni Jade.
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The City of the Dragon Twisted
. 🐉 . The City of The Forever-Peace witnesses a pale young Buddhist Monk fighting his fearful thoughts of whether to cross the borders to Nepal and India against the death penalty. Why would that matter? In that September Autumn night of circa A.D.655, Emperor Táme’ Tie’-Zeon has been ruling an empire spanning 13,000 miles from the East to as far as the Baikal Sea in the Western Regions bordering the Middle East kingdom and the Rome Empire. Meanwhile, news has traveled that his Dharma-Son, Pan G. Monk faces an incredible Guillotine Execution that will chop off his waist in halves. The Empress Wǔl Zénder-Tan’ couldn't be careless. Why would that matter to the imperial family? Monks are just officials with equal vicarious duties and privileges. She would then spare her resourceful energy to maintain the fruitful relationship intertwining The Grand-Khan Jurchen-Warlords Clans in the North-East Desert in attempts to affirm her fate as the first and only female-Emperor, in the Medieval Ages of the Great City of the Dragon. Whereas The Abbot Master Xend'-Zeon of the Jade-Lotus Temple faces factions of religious politics. Particularly in the present, the Empress needed to manipulate the Master’s reputation to desperately seek life and/or the after-life merits. She decreed to be addressed as The Old Buddha Grand Father. The Master has had ideals of service to sentient beings since he was young. He could have traveled the Silk Road to the Far West entrance-point bypassing the five beacons as shortcuts save that he lacks the pertinent travel documents. Instead, he chose to cross the 800-mile овь-Gobi Desert that is as vast as the Baikal Sea, on foot. A route that is impossible in the history of the Buddha dharma. His heart never withers to support the mage of the red lotus that promises the Enlightenment of the Buddha-Land. Except that no one has ever endured the latitude of the heat. The pain. Alive, out of the desert sea. But he is also vulnerable to recognize the un-staticity of The Truth, The Truth itself, and the truth of seeking passion and mission for compassion in humankind. The mind and body reciting The Sūtra and The Heart, A phenomenon they knew better as if souls in chemical layers of their physique. Realizing enhanced mind training attaining controlling powers of life and death. Realizing the transformation of the unbearable pains and grievances he thought possible. . 2 . 🐉 . Meanwhile, dreams have been watching him to open The Third Eye, at The City's Amethyst-Jade Palace of the Second Emperor, Third Emperor, and Fourth Empress. Old Monks at The Nālandā Temple at the Far West Buddha Land; Householders Masters and Kings of the Jeek’-Foot Mountains of The City of the Naga-Dragon Twisted; in the Far West of The City of the Ever-Peace witness adventures of The Master. Lives at brinks of suicidal choices slaughtering ordeals. Who have inadvertently neglected the Master's karmic inflictions that would paradoxically affirm in a point of Near-Death Experiences; The Two-Profound-Reflective presented upon attaining The Deep-Active-Meditatitive Flow of Equanimity Samādhi. Eventually, The Seer Consciousness sees the Active Heart that is replete with The Latent Unconditional Love, Compassion And Empathy; that had been so close to us that we could not see it; as if one cannot see her own face. . 3 . 🐉 . Meanwhile also, the Imperial Criminal Affairs Clerk Ewen Hawk-Jean suffers too much seeking possession of desires and relief from a certain situation. Pan G., the Assistant Dharma-Translator to the Abbott Master Xend'-zeon has voluntarily or otherwise fallen into the supposed conspiracy or plain indifference. The imperial family's agenda of the Imperial Family of The Fang’-Chucks of course longs for a waist cut in halves not simply as souvenirs. Awaiting the Abbot Master is to come out from the disturbance. Incredibly transformative factors of the Mind-Transcendence-Samadhi are profoundly desired to spare the Monk Pan G. from the Post-Autumn Guillotine Execution that will chop off his waist in halves...... …But why would it matter to You?
8 75Destroy The Heavens!
Cursed to die, his kingdom-and family-destroyed, Astraoth goes on a journey to take revenge against the heavens themselves and discover the truth behind his past and his family's secrets. So follow this journey, as Astraoth reaches the pinnacle of power, taking back his life and his inheritance. Follow Astraoth as he becomes a legend, breaking through even the bonds of fate itself, finding himself and his Dao in a world of Demons, Gods, Broccoli Spears, and everything else in-between. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ *This is essentially my version of a wuxia/xianxia novel. *Therefore, this story is not a traditional wuxia or xianxia, it merely has the elements normally attributed to them. *If there are any problems with ease of readability because of spacing, alert me. *Also, if you notice any grammatical errors while reading, please notify me in the comments.
8 216Chronos Rose (The Rising Of The Shield Hero x male reader)
A certain man lives a normal life with nothing unusual happening around him, although is it going to stay that way?
8 186Dear Insanity
She's known as the Mute Murderer, the girl who's parents commited double suicide on her 16th birthday. Ever since, she's been silent. For two years she's been in the most well known mental institution in England, wasting away (silently, of course) with hallucinations of murder and suicide. The day she turns eighteen, though, she's let free onto the streets of ever-prosperous England. Armed with coffee and cigarettes, she wanders the streets.It's there she meets Gabriel, who refuses to leave her side. He doesn't know her past, or her real name. He knows nothing but the words engraved on her dogtags:Alexxa.
8 117losin control; c. yelich. ✔️
"she's falling but she doesn't think you'll catch her."when you have the most perfect relationship but you don't realize you're going to have to lose it to win it back again.
8 145အရိပ်ကလေး(Myanmar fic)
🔞
8 122