My critiques mean no offense to the author nor work. These are solely intended for the improvement of your work, thus it does not mean to hurt you in any way. If you have concerns regarding this critique, feel free to message me privately. Everything stated here came from my own opinions and perspective which may or may not differ from others.

This contains spoilers, beware.

This is a rough draft.

The title already gives off a hint that the story will revolve around lovers that are forbidden to be together. It easily lets the readers know what type of story it is. But, I think the words used are too common and overused here in Wattpad, which may affect the reader's interest - probably decrease since there are stories that has the same title as yours. Maybe changing the title or using more creative/unique words would be better. Be unique among your other co-authors.

▪ The book cover is really beautiful! The choices of fonts, color schemes, really match together. But I still wonder why the center attraction has to be a skull bleeding. I mean, what is its relevance to the story about forbidden love, vampires, and enchantresses?

▪ I think it'd be great if the description of the story focuses more on Criselda rather than Drake. I'm talking the blue underlined one, it somehow doesn't make any sense at all (will discuss later on). Maybe instead of putting what Drake's goal is, why not put Criselda's? Like, give her a short summary in the description since mostly (basing from chaps. 1-10) of the pov's are hers, and not Drake's. Moving on, the word encircled, their, mas okay siguro kung i-indicate mo kung sino sila - sina Diane ba at ang pamilya niya? (Kung sakali mang hindi mo gagawing focus si Criselda sa deskripsiyon). Sunod ay ang green underlined, ay ang sentence o salita na nakakalito. Kaya maiging i-revise mo rin ang part na 'yon. Hangga't maaari, gamitan mo ng mga panghalip o 'di kaya ay mismong pangalan ng mga taong sangkot.

▪ Don't simply tell that Criselda's in a grocery store, house, bedroom, and any other places she can be. Show it. She has eyes, right? Then how come she doesn't describe the surroundings? She has ears, but why doesn't she show what she's hearing? She can smell, touch and taste, but how come these five senses of hers aren't being used? Use the five senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, touch) in describing the place/scenery. Try to put yourself in her situation. Ano ba ang karaniwang makikita mo kapag nasa grocery store ka? Marami bang tao? Punô ba ang mga shelves o may ibang out of stocks? May pinapatugtog bang music o baka may announcements ang staffs? Nangangamoy pagkain ba? Iparamdam mo sa mga mambabasa mo na buháy talaga ang kuwento sa pamamagitan ng paglalarawan ng mga lugar kung nasaan ang karakter. Hindi sapat iyong sasabihin na pumunta si ganito sa ganiyan. Do not limit yourself, author. Take your time to at least build the world of your story. Widen your imagination, and let your readers feel like they could relate in the story especially if the character could feel the same ways as humans in particular places.

▪ One way to make the readers be attached to the characters is by showing their emotions. Give your characters the emotions they need. They are not robots. Vampires and other supernatural beings also have feelings. Sabihin natin na natatakot si Eunice/Criselda, paano siya natatakot? Sobra ba o kaunti lang? Hindi ba kapag natatakot ang isa, karaniwa'y bumibilis ang tibok ng puso niya, nanlalamig ang mga paa at kamay, o 'di kaya'y nagsisitaasan ang mga balahibo sa katawan? Dahil lang kakaibang nilalang ang mga karakter mo, ibig sabihin na no'n ay wala silang nararamdaman. Lahat may nararamdaman, kaya ibigay mo ang dapat na sa mga karakter mo. Ano bang naramdaman ni Criselda nang malaman niyang niregaluhan at pinaghandaan siya ng ate at tita niya? Ano bang naramdaman niya nang malaman niyang hindi normal ang pagkulay pula ng mga mata niya at pagiging mabilis? Nang kindnap-in siya ni Drake? Hindi kasi sapat iyong basta lang sabihin na natatakot, masaya, si Criselda. Parang hindi gaanong nakaka-convince. Instead of telling what they feel, show it. Also, on the part where she haven't taken a bath when she got kidnapped, hindi ba siya nanlalagkit o naaamoy ang sarili niyang amoy noon? Again, give them emotions that they need. Provide them the feels.

▪ She's really the most vague character in the story. She lacks the emotions she needs. She's so unrealistic. How? When she knew she was being harassed by her uncle, how come she didn't get traumatized? Especially when she explained everything to her aunt, why did she answer her so casually? When she was talkimg to herself and mentioned her uncle, how come she didn't feel the chills or get scared at it? Parang ang normal lang sa kaniya nang nangyari. Doon din sa part na lumabas 'yong powers niya, bakit normal lang sa kaniya 'yon? Hindi man lang ba siya naapektuhan no'n? I mean, all her life she thought she was human, right? But how come she didn't get bothered at all when her eyes turned red, seeing when will people die, et cetera. She casually talks about like it wasn't a big deal, when she, that time, considers herself human (at least). There are plenty of times where she lacks so much emotions and came to the point where what she says doesn't seem convincing at all. For example, when Drake kidnapped her. How can she be so chill to Drake despite what on what he did to her? Also the part where Drake said she's a vampire, sinabi niyang hindi siya naniniwala sa mga ganoon pero pumayag agad siya na uminom ng dugo na para bang hindi big deal iyon? Like what I said, just because she's not human doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a justified emotion. Fill the things that lacks your main lead.

▪ Oh, one thing that also bothers me is her eye color. These two things really contradict. Ano ba talaga ang kulay ng mga mata niya? Black o brown?

▪ He is also vague and his actions contradicts on what you stated on your description. You said on your description that he's been ordered to avenger his uncle's death by killing Criselda, but why would he keep her safe? Sobrang nagko-contradict ang dalawang idea na ito. So kindly enlighten us, author. Hindi man lang ba siya nag-hesitate na saktan si Criselda nang pinatay ang kapamilya niya? Hindi man lang ba niya sinubukan o sumagi sa isip niyang saktan si Criselda? Medyo unrealistic kasi na ang ginagawa ni Drake ay kabaliktaran ng iniutos sa kaniya. At least, provide foreshadowings on what his intention is; kung sinusunod niya ba ang inuutos sa kaniya o kung pinoprotektahan niya ba si Cris laban sa mismong pamilya niya.

Diane, Tita Alicia, Ate Alex)

▪ First, Diane. She's also kinda vague for me. The fact that she's so easy-going with Criselda is really questionable. I mean, surely she knew that their uncle died right? She surely knows about the revenge Drake has been ordered to based on how close she is with her brother, right? But how come she isn't bothered by the fact that she's living under the same roof as Cris - the one Drake is supposed to kill? Also one way that made her character vague is that her physical appearance isn't described on the first encounter. Cris just said she saw a woman wearing apron, but what was her hair color? Was her eyes black that time? How tall is she? Does she look beautiful or just average-looking? I think it'd be great if you could describe the appearance of every character that is new to the readers so they can be familiar with them.

▪ Next is Criselda's aunt, Alicia. She's also vague. She must've loved her niece right? Pero bakit parang hindi man lang siya na-bother nang malaman niya 'yong ginawa ng asawa niya kay Criselda? Bakit parang kinabukasan pagkatapos ng pangyayaring 'yon, parang walang nangyaring masama kay Criselda? Hindi man lang ba niya kinausap 'yong asaw niya tungkol doon? Moving on, Alex, is also vague in a way of almost everything. Just because their only side characters doesn't mean we won't pay too much attention to them, no. Side characters are also important to the story. So please, make these side characters vivid. Describe their physical appearances, show their personalities.

Structure

▪ Don't focus toooo much on your plot. Give attention to the other elements of the story, especially the world building. Create the world you have in your mind, share it to your readers. Make them feel like the world you built is actually alive in their imaginations and not just bluffs. Also the foredshadowings. If you plan to only have Criselda's pov throughout the story, then provide foreshadowings on each character especially Drake. Make their actions and dialogues justified by actions that Criselda can notice, in a way that readers could get a hint that this is what his thinking and that. Make your characters vivid. Don't just focus your attention on the mains, sides are also important to a promising story. Make your characters more alive and relatable. Give them the emotions they deserve.

Conflict

▪ The conflict wherein the love between the main characters is forbidden because of their families being enemies is quite common and overused here in Wattpad. But the spicy thing about it, is that these characters aren't humab, but supernatural beings which is quite exciting and at the same time, nostalgic knowing that it's somehow similar to the famous vampire series/movies out there. Thus I commend you for already showing the action in the early chapters. The part where Criselda and Diane had to leave their house, while leaving the enemies - it's what they address as - in Drake's hand is which I believe, is already the start of the conflict. Good job on that. But I feel like you can do better than that. Like what I said before, provide foreshadowings on events that are yet to happen, but not spoilers though. Just give cliffhangers. But overall, seeing the first part of the conflict, I can say that it's going somewhere good. So keep it up!

Sequencing

▪ The tension is there at the first part, however, it still lacked the impact needed. The following scenes wherein Criselda woke up and meets her aunt at the kitchen (?) and the following seems like a filler. If you think that the scenes doesn't contribute anything to the plot, then axe it off. And I think it'd be best if you could be straight-forward at the scenes you want to happen. Don't put any unnecessary scenes.

☆ Bakit nila ibibigay si Criselda sa mga tao, gayong sila ang pinakamababang uri sa kuwento?

▪ Knowing enchantresses, they're powerful witnessing how Sanya and the others showcased their powers when they were fighting against vampires. Puwede namang ibigay na lang si Criselda sa ibang mga kamag-anak ng pamilya ni Sanya (sa side niya), kaya bakit pa sa mga tao?

☆ Bakit parang normal na lang kay Criselda na makita niya kung paano mamamatay ang isa?

▪ Noong first time niyang makita kung paano mamamatay ang tito niya, oo na-shock siya dahil doon. Pero bakit sa mga sumunod na pangyayari e parang wala na lang iyon sa kaniya? Hindi man lang ba sumagi sa isip niya 'yong mga tanong tungkol sa 'kapangyarihan' niya? Hindi man lang ba siya nabagabag dahil doon? I mean, hindi normal ang nararanasan niya pero bakit parang hindi man lang siya gaanong apektado tungkol doon?

☆ Bakit parang hindi big deal sa kaniya na ma-kidnap siya?

▪ Hindi niya pa lubusang kilala si Drake at ang intentions nito, pero bakit ang bilis naman yata niyang magtiwala rito? Medyo unrealistic lang na porque komportable siya kay Drake ay hindi na siya nag-aalala kung ano ang posibleng gawin sa kaniya ng binata.

☆ Hindi man lang ba sumagi sa isip ni Criselda na baka nag-aalala na sina Tita Alicia & Ate Alex dahil ilang araw na siyang nawawala?

▪ Ilang araw na siyang namamalagi sa mansion ni Drake, almost weeks na yata. Pero bakit hindi man lang niyang naisip na tawagan 'yong mga taong nag-aalala sa kaniya?

☆ Bakit parang hindi rin nag-aalala 'yong dalawa noong nawawala si Criselda?

▪ Sa part na pinahiram si Criselda ng laptop ni Diane, 'yong sinabi niya na marami siyang natanggap na text messages sa mga kaibigan niya pati kay Alex. Mas maigi siguro kung detailed 'yong texts ng dalawa. Kasi base sa pag-aakto nina Alex at Alicia pagdating kay Criselda, halatang mahal na mahal nila siya. Pero bakit hindi man lang sila lumapit sa pulis para ipahanap si Cris? Or hindi man lang sila humingi ng tulong sa mga kaibigan ni Cris? Speaking of frienda, hindi man lang ba naging concerned 'yong mga kaibigan niya about sa kaniya?

☆ Based on what Diane said, there are three ways to kill a vampire. Meaning vampires can die. But how come Criselda can't see how Drake will die knowing that he's a full vampire?

▪ It's surprising, really. Drake's a full vampire, he doesn't show any other powers. But Criselda can't see how will Drake die? Isn't that weird? Same goes to Diane, hindi kasi nabanggit kung nakita ni Cris kung kailan siya mamamatay na unlike kay Drake, sinabi niya talaga. So ibig bang sabihin hindi niya rin alam kung kailan mamamatay si Diane?

☆ Is Criselda's ability only effective to human beings?

▪ Criselda possesses the ability to see how the being will die. On the first chapters, she saw how her uncle will die. But cannot see how will Drake die. Does this mean that her ability is only effective to humans and not vampires or even enchantresses?

>| Wastong paggamit ng "rin, raw, rito, riyan, roon" at "din, daw, dito, diyan, doon"

▪ Ginagamit ang "rin, raw, rito, riyan, roon" kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa patinig (a, e, i, o, u). Ginagamit din ito kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig na "w, y," dahil katunog lamang nito ang mga patinig.

❌ - Ang iba dito ay may mga kapangyarihan.

✔ - Ang iba rito ay may mga kapangyarihan.

❌ - Simula mamayang gabi ay aalis na tayo dito.

✔ - Mamayang gabi ay aalis na tayo rito.

❌ - "Alam kong mapapabuti siya doon."

✔ - "Alam kong mapapabuti siya roon."

▪ Habang ang "din, daw, dito, diyan, doon" ay ginagamit kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig (b, c, d, f...). Ito rin ay ginagamit kapag ang huling dalawang letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa "ra, re, ri, ro, ru".

Halimbawa:

- Pangit din ang ugali niya.

- Pangit daw ang ugali niya.

- Mahilig matulog dito ang magkapatid tuwing hapon.

- Mahilig din diyan ang mga kaibigan ko.

- Bakit ba ayaw niya tanggapin ang tulong natin? Para din naman sa kaniya ito.

>| Wastong paggamit ng "nang" at "ng".

▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano, gaano, at kapag inuulit ang kilos.

▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.

Halimbawa:

❌ - Ang maliit na balat na mas maitim ng kaunti sa kulay ng balat ng bata.

✔ - Ang maliit na balat na mas maitim nang kaunti sa kulay ng balat ng bata.

❌ - Natigil ako sa pag-iisip ng mapansin ko si Drake sa harapan ko.

✔ - Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang mapansin kong nasa harapan ko si Drake.

❌ - Tinignan ko yung t-shirt na suot ko, meron nang mantsa ng dugo.

✔ - Tiningnan ko ang T-shirt na suot ko, mayro'n na itong mantsa ng dugo.

❌ - Nang makalabas na ako ng gate ay agad akong nakahinga ng maluwag.

✔ - Nang makalabas na ako ng gate ay agad akong nakahinga nang maluwag.

❌ - Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong pisnge at hinarap sakanya ng maigi.

✔ - Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong pisngi at iniharap sa kaniya nang maigi.

>| Incorrect & correct usage of words.

❌ - saakin, sakanya, sakanila, nanaman, sainyo, saatin, narin

✔ - sa akin, sa kaniya, sa kanila, na naman, sa inyo, sa atin, na rin

❌ - tignan, pisnge, maigsi

✔ - tingnan, pisngi, maiksi

❌ - yung, nung

✔ - iyong/'yong, noong/no'ng

❌ - nalang, palang

✔ - na lang, pa lang

❌ - sayo

✔ - sa 'yo/sa iyo

❌ - diba, tsaka

✔ - 'di ba, at saka

❌ - niisang, manlang

✔ - ni isang, man lang

❌ - t-shirt, v-neck

✔ - T-shirt, V-neck

❌ - kayna (lagi kaming bumibisita kayna Drake at Diane.)

✔ - kina

>| Misspelled Filipino Words and Phrases