《critique shop》B2 | 01
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My feedbacks mean no offense to the story nor author. These are solely for the betterment of your work, it does not mean to belittle nor degrade you in any way. If you have concerns regarding this critique, do not hesitate to message me privately. Everything stated here came from my own perspective and opinions which may differ from others.
This contains spoiler, beware.
Typos and errors are to be expected, this is a rough draft.
▪ The title is out of the ordinary. I have never heard of it before and as a result, I was captivated by it. And when you read it, you'll already have an idea of what the story is about since there's a word "dream". Questions quickly arose such as: What's Souldream? What's the story about? Is the story unique from others?
▪ The title is great, really interesting. But is there such a word of Souldream? Because I searched it in Google, and no meaning was given nor any clue of what does souldream mean. Are the two words - Soul & dream, meant to join? Hindi ba dapat magkahiwalay sila dahil each word has a different meaning? Furthermore, based on the first nine chapters, hindi ko nakitaan ng pagkakaroon ng relevance ng title sa story. I mean, Tala is only dreaming, so why is your title "Souldream"? What does souldream mean, author? I suggest you enlighten your readers of why you chose that and what does your title mean since Google cannot provide the definition.
▪ The cover is simple yet cute, also brings an aesthetic vibe. However, I did not see any relevance of it in your story nor did I feel any teen fiction vibe. There was no scenario in the story wherein there's a boy sitting on a bench at night, so bakit 'yon ang nasa cover gayong wala ka namang nabanggit na ganoong senaryo? Your cover must have a strong connection to its story since it'll serve as your overall look of your work. Hindi ko gaanong ramdam ang pagiging teen fiction ng story, the emotions, and mood weren't there. Changing the cover would be highly recommended.
▪ The description is okay, although there're some minor errors that can be fixed and things that I suggest you must remove.
Black: corrections/revisions
Red: remove
▪ Why should you remove your ps's? Because they are not a part of your story's description and it is also spoiling the story because instead of increasing your readers curiousty, you spoiled it by telling the guy's name, and their personality of being crazy. If you have something to say to your readers, you can always put it in your foreword or author's note but not in the description.
Artala
▪ A typical type of character where she's from a broken family. I like her jolly and witty personality, and some of her experiences were even relatable for me. But it turned me off when she's not acting on her age. She's a college student, take note of that, and yet she acts like a high school student. Malaking turn off para sa akin ang mga childish na karakter na ganito kasi parang ang immature nilang tingnan. If you want her to be jolly like before, show it in her age, 'wag 'yong tipong parang mga fourteen years old lang siya when in fact, nasa twenty's na siya.
▪ Nalito rin ako sa pabago-pabago ng ugali niya sa Mama niya. Noong una, ang saya-saya niya na umuwi Mama niya tapos biglang magbabago, magagalit siya o magiging sarkastiko sa Mama niya. I mean, oo walang mali roon. Pero rough kasi ang pagkaka-deliver mo ng mga emotions, hindi smooth kaya medyo off at weird tingnan. A moment ago she was pleased to her Mother and then she suddenly felt angry or sad that makes the shifting of emotions really rough. Isa-isa mo muna ang pagma-maneuver ng mga emotions niya. If she's happy, then stick to that only, kung galit naman, edi roon ka lang. Parang unrealistic kasing basahin kapag from time to time nagbabago ang ugali niya, puwedeng mapagkamalang may multiple personalities niya or whatsoever.
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Artala's Grandma
▪ She's quite strong and independent for raising her grandchild Tala. She's also strict and very hardworking just like any other Grandma. But why doesn't she resent her daughter, Tala's Mother for abandoning her child? I mean, hindi man lang ba siya nasaktan dahil ganoon ang pakikitungo ng anak niya sa apo niya? Somehow Tala's Mother should explain to her mother (Lola) why she has to leave her child and go to some foreign country right? Bakit parang wala lang sa Lola ni Tala ang ginawa ng anak niya kung talagang mahal niya ang apo niya?
▪ Medyo rough din ang pagshi-shift mo sa mga emotions niya. May times kasi na parang nagpapakita siya ng motibo kay Tala na may malasakit siya, and then biglang magiging malamig ang pakikitungo. At saka, bakit hindi niya sinabi kay Tala kung bakit niya siya iniwan? It's been two decades, and yet she did not tell her yet the reason why? You should at least give us a hint or directly tell why she disregarded her daughter like that for more than two decades kasi nagigung vague ang kinakalabasan niya kapag walang mapanghahawakan ang mga readers kung ano at bakit ganoon ang pakikitungo niya sa anak niya.
▪ Medyo malabo ang bawat settings kasi hindi fully nagamit ang five senses. Keep in mind na kapag ilalahad mo ang pinangyayarihan ng kuwento, dapat ginagamit mo ang five senses (sight, sound, smell, touch and taste) para hindi maging vague. Hindi sapat ang paglalahad kung anong nakikita ni Tala. Ano bang naaamoy niya sa lugar na iyon? Anong klaseng amoy? May naririnig ba siya? Ano iyong naririnig niya? Anu-ano ang mga nakikita niya sa kaniyang paligid? May hinahawakan ba siyang gamit o tao o hayop? Kung gayon, anong pakiramdam nito? Anong nararamdaman ni Tala sa lugar na kinaroroonan niya? Nasisiyahan ba siya o naiinip? You should be able to answer these questions.
▪ On the mood and atmosphere, hindi ko gaanong naramdaman ang tensyon o atmosphere sa world building kasi medyo vague. Take time to focus on your world building kasi rito rin magpopokus ang mga mambabasa kung anu-ano ang mga kasalukuyang nagaganap sa kuwento. Make your readers feel like the world you created is real, show them what it feels like in a specific event that occurs in the story.
▪ At this point, it still needs improvement. Hindi pa gaanong na-e-emphasize ang tunay na goal ng story, which is about dreaming kasi parang kakaunti lang ang mga dream scenes tapos ang bibilis lang mangyari kahit na hindi dapat. Dapat normal-paced lang ang pagkakapasok ng mga dream scenarios. 'Wag magmamadali dahil hindi ito nakakapagpabuti sa story, sa halip ay may nakakapagpadagdag ito ng plotholes.
▪ May mga parts na hindi clear sa akin at may iba naman na nakaka-confuse. For example, on the first chapters, Tala was dreaming together with the guy she first encountered with. I think it's her dream about zombies chasing her. Fastforward, sa scene na nasagasaan niya, is it really a dream or what? Because all along I though it is, but then in real life nasagasaan pala talaga si Tala which made it more confusing. I suggest you give us hints of whether or not it's a dream or the reality. Another thing is, noong naospital siya. Siguro mas maigi kung hindi na siya magfa-flashback kung paano siya nasagasaan, instead of making it a past scene, make it the present one para hindi nakakalito. Walang masama sa ginawa mo, pero hindi dapat ito ginagawa sa unang mga kabanata pa lang dahil maaaring malito ang mga nagbabasa kung ano ang kasalukuyan at nakaraan. As much as possible, avoid jumping into flashbacks or past scenes, make it a present one instead.
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▪ So this is like a conflict between Tala and her reality, I guess? (Correct me if I'm wrong). Wala namang masama na gamitin ang mga ganitong conflict since medyo relatable siya sa panahon ngayon lalo na sa mga nararanasan ang pinagdaraanan ni Tala - the cruel reality. And there's nothing wrong of the way you delivered a hint of this conflict. Though I suggest that you add more fuel to the fire, because this kind of conflict is kinda overused here in Wattpad, so maybe spicing things up can be good.
Genre Accuracy
▪ At first, akala ko talata fantasy ang genre nito kasi may kinalaman sa dreams at souls. But to my surprise, it's actually teen fiction. Though how is it a teen fiction genre? Isn'r weird to dream a guy every time you dream? Also, about sa key chain part, 'yong nagtitinda. Paano niya nalaman ang nangyari sa panaginip ni Tala e panaginip lang naman iyon? This kind of scene really brings a fantasy one. So, is teen fiction really the genre of your story although unrealistic things happens?
▪ Although this kind of plot where the main character despises how cruel reality is and escaping it by dreaming is kind of commonly used, it has the flaws of originality since kakaiba mga napapanaginipan ni Tala, at ang nga pinagdaraanan niya. Pero mas magiging okay kapag may mga plot twist kada chapter para laging aabangan ng mga mambabasa.
☆ You cannot hear, smell, nor taste in your dreams.
▪ The black-colored underlined words are the ones that I am talking about. We can't hear, smell, nor taste in our dreams.
☆ No one knows whether they are dreaming unless it's lucid dreaming.
▪ We're basically sleeping, so paano nalaman ni Tala na nanaginip siya? It's impossible unless she's lucid dreaming that time, which isn't since you did not mention anything about her being a lucid dreamer.
☆ How can Tala be discharged quickly as soon as she woke up?
▪ Kakagising pa lang ni Tala mula sa comatose (if it's not comatose, I'm sorry), then the doctor said she can be discharged the day after? There's no way that would happen lalo na kapag na-comatose. Kapag nagising ang isang pasiyente mula sa coma o aksidente, hindi siya agad-agad papauwiin ng doctor. The doctors and nurses will have to observe the patient within four to six days (or early) before getting discharged.
☆ There's no Senior High in UP Diliman.
▪ UP only consists of college students, so bakit doon mag-aaral si Haru? Sinabi mo kasi in Tala's pov na lilipat din si Haru doon kaya mababantayan niya si Tala, e pero wala namang senior high sa UP.
>| Wastong paggamit ng "rin, raw, rito, riyan" at "din, daw, dito, diyan"
▪ Ginagamit ang "rin, raw, rito, riyan" kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa patinig (a, e, i, o, u). Ginagamit din ito kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig na "w, y," dahil katunog lamang nito ang mga patinig.
Halimbawa:
- Magand sa Pilipinas.
- Magand sa Pilipinas.
- Magand sa Luzon.
- Magand ipagdiwang ang iyong kaarawan.
▪ Habang ang "din, daw, dito, diyan" ay ginagamit kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig (b, c, d, f...). Ito rin ay ginagamit kapag ang huling dalawang letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa "ra, re, ri, ro, ru"
Halimbawa:
- Pangi ang ugali niya.
- Pangi ang ugali niya.
- Mahili dito ang magkapatid tuwing hapon.
- Mahili diyan ang mga kaibigan ko.
- Bakit ba ayaw niya tanggapin ang tulong natin? Pa naman sa kaniya ito.
>| Wastong paggamit ng "nang" at "ng"
▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano, gaano, at kapag inuulit ang kilos.
Halimbawa:
- Kumakain nang mabagal si Anne.
(Paano kumakain si Anne? Mabagal.)
- Tumaba nang bahagya si Anne dahil kain siya nang kain.
(Gaano tumaba si Anne? Bahagya.)
- Putak nang putak si Angela dahil kay Anne.
(Ano ang inuulit na kilos? Putak.)
▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.
Halimbawa:
- Kumain ang magbabarkada ng itlog at hotdog.
(Ano ang kinain ng magbabarkada? Itlog at hotdog.)
- Matalik na kaibigan ni Summer ang pinsan ng Tita niya.
(Sino ang matalik na kaibigan ni Summer? Ang pinsin ng Tita niya.)
- Mahilig siyang kumain ng french fries ng McDo.
(Sino ang may-ari ng fries? Ang McDo.)
>| Correct & Incorrect uses of words
❌ isa't-isa, ano't-ano, iba't-iba
✔ isa't isa, ano't ano, iba't iba
❌ nalang, palang, everytime, nevermind, atleast
✔ na lang, pa lang, every time, never mind, at least
❌ yung, yun, ayun, nun, ganun, nandun
✔ iyong/'yong, iyon/'yon, ayon, noon/no'n, ganoon/gano'n, nandoon/nando'n
❌ narin, parin
✔ na rin, pa rin
❌ sayo, sakin, samin, sakanya, sakanila
✔ sa 'yo, sa 'kin, sa 'min, sa kaniya, sa kanila
❌ tignan
✔ tingnan
❌ diba
✔ 'di ba
❌ grabi, malupet, panget, meron
✔ grabe, malupit, pangit, mayroon/mayro'n
❌ inantay, intayin, uminat,
✔ hinintay, hintayin, umunat
>| Misspelled Filipino Words and Phrases
1. Kadalasan o palagi ang may u sa pagitan ng k at w.
✅Kuwento, kuweba, kuwaderno, kuwago, engkuwentro
❌Kwento, kweba, kwaderno, kwago, engkwentro
Halimbawa:
a. Si Jacob at Jose ay nagkaroon ng engkuwentro; kamao sa kamao.
b. Ang mga mata ni Therese ay nagmistulang sa kuwago dahil siya'y kulang sa tulog.
2. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i sa pagitan ng "ns" at "y".
✅Probinsiya, konsensiya, ahensiya, pasensiya, ebidensiya
❌probinsya, konsensya, ahensya, pasensya, ebidensya
Halimbawa:
a. Si Jacob ay walang konsensiya kay Jose
.
b. "Huwag mong ubusin ang pasensiya ni Therese! Mumurahin ka niyan."
3. ✅Mapagpakumbaba
❌Mapagkumbaba
Halimbawa:
a. Si Maria ay isang mapagpakumbabang tao.
4. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i bago ang pandiwang nagsisimula sa katinig.
✅itinuturo, itinimbog, itinatampok, ipinagpapalagay
❌tinuturo, tinimbog, tinatampok, pinagpapalagay
a. "Itinuturo mo sa akin ang kasalananang ginawa mo, ganoon ka ba kakapal? " asik ni Therese.
b. "Alam mo ba? Itinatampok daw ni Mareng Jessica ngayon ang mga memes ni Reign."
5. ✅alaala, katakataka(halaman)
❌ala-ala, kataka-taka
a. Presko pa sa alaala ni Levi ang ginawa niyang pananampal sa kubrador ng utang.
b. Dahil dakilang plantita si Elise, nagtanim siya ng katakataka sa kaniyang bakuran.
6. ❌ano man, nino man, sino man, saan man, kailan man
✔anuman, ninuman, sinuman, saanman, kailanman
a. "Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo kailanman! " puno nang emosyong saad ni Princess habang lumuluha.
b. Kung sino man ang tumututol sa kasalang ito ay maari nang lumayas.
7. ✅Natutuhan
❌natutunan
Halimbawa:
a. Hindi pa rin niya tuluyang natutuhan kung paano mahalin ang kaniyang sarili.
8. ✅Komento, konsensiya, koleksiyon, koneksiyon, kompanya
❌kumento, kunsensiya, kuleksiyon, kuneksiyon, kumpanya
9. Parehong "maya-maya" ang isda at pang-abay. Ginagamitan ng malaking titik ang isda kung gagamitin ito sa isang pangungusap, talata o sulatin kasama ng pang-abay na kapangalan nito. Maaari ding gamitan ito ng malaking titik (na siyang karaniwang paraan ng pagsusulat sa mga species ng isda) kahit hindi nito kasama ang pang-abay na maya-maya
✅Maya-maya, Maya-Maya (isda)
❌mayamaya, Mayamaya
a. Paboritong isda ni Haniel ang Maya-maya.
b. Maya-maya't lamang ay lalabas na ang panauhin ni Shannah.
10. Sinu-sino at Anu-ano ang tamang pagbaybay kapag nagtatanong. Sino-sino at Ano-ano naman kapag nagsasalaysay.
✅Sinu-sino ang mga miyembro ng Critic Team?
❌Sino-sino, Sino sino, Sinu sino
❌Kung sino-sino na ang nakatikim ng kaniyang putahe.
✔Sinu-sino, Sinu sino, sino sino
11. Sino + ang
✅"Sino'ng umubos ng tilapya ko?" tanong ni Aegir.
❌Sinong, Sinung
Sino + na = Sinong
✅Walang kahit na sinong traydor ang puwede sa grupong ito!
❌Sinung, Sino'ng
Ano + ang = Ano'ng
Ano + na = Anong
12. ✅Puwede
❌Pwede, Pwide, P'wede, Pupuwede, Pup'wede, Pipwede, Pipuwede
13.Hindi dapat pinaghihiwalay ang mga katinig kapag naglalagay ng gitlapi.
✅Plinano, Grinipo, Trinumpo, Brinaso, Trinato, Trinaydor
❌Pinlano, Ginripo, Tinrumpo, Binraso, Tinrato, Tinraydor
a. Plinano ni Austin ang lahat para mapabagsak si Ali.
14. Ang unlaping i- at gitlaping -in- aynpalagian o kadalasang magkasama. Walang unlaping ini- sa unahan ng mga katinig.
✅ihinahabilin, ilinilihim, ilinathala, ipinaliwanag, idinulog, iginuhit, iginiit, ikinababagabag
❌inihahabilin, inililihim, inilathala, inipaliwanag, inidulog, inigiit, inikababagabag
a. Isa lamang ang ikinababagabag ni Sanchai... Iyon ay malaman nila ang kaniyang lihim.
15. Sa pormal na pagsusulat ay walang unlaping nakaka-. Ang unlaping naka- o nakapag- ay kadalasan o palagiang sinusundan ng inuulit na unang pantig ng salita.
✅Nakatutuwa, Nakatatawa, Nakaaangat, nakabibilib, nakahihigit
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