《critique shop》B1 | 09
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My feedbacks mean no offense to the story nor author. These are all solely intended for the betterment of your work, it does not mean to belittle nor hurt you as an author. If you have concerns regarding this critique, feel free to message me privately. Everything stated here came from my own opinions and perspective that may differ from others.
juliaevol
▪ The title is quite simple to remember thus the words you used were very much familiar. And I get why you chose that title, it's because Grasia's province is Quezon and the story and male lead is also in Quezon.
▪ But for me, it's not enough. Hindi sapat na iyon lang dahilan kung bakit ganoon ang title ng story mo. Bakit "Meet me in Quezon" ang iyong napili? Dahil ba nakatira si Enzo roon at doon nangyayari ang daloy ng storya? As far as I remember, nagbabakasiyon lang doon sina Grasia at ang Mama niya, meaning it's only temporary and they'll eventually leave.
▪ Pero bakit ganoon ang title? I mean, along the way of your story they'll develop feelings for each other and a time will come where Grasia has to leave Quezon. But if Enzo truly loves her, he'll find a way to meet Grasia in Manila, right? Hindi naman siguro forever'ng naka-stuck lang si Enzo sa Quezon kung kaya't puwede silang mag-meet somewhere as long as love inspires them to be with one another.
▪ My point here is, the title doesn't really make sense for me. I can't explain through words (and I'm sorry for that) but, I suggest you come up with another suiting title for the story. Let your mind be creative and play with words.
▪ The cover illustrated Grasia in Quezon, somewhere in their field. But the fonts were'nt pretty much accurate for me thus it seems off. I suggest you change the color of fonts to white (including the series, and your name). Also, remove the green borders around the letters since the letters can stand alone without borders.
▪ I have no problem with the blurb of the story, you delivered it well enough. Though hindi ko pa nafi-feel o nakikita ang sinasabi mong 'gaps' sa iyong akda dahil hanggang kabanata anim pa lang naman ito.
▪ You were able to use the five senses when it comes to describing the place of the story. Even the small details of the house. But sometimes nakakalimutan mo yata kasi may mga part na hindi gaanong napagtuonan ng pansin ang lugar na pinangyayarihan ng kuwento.
▪ Sa atmosphere, konting vibes pa. Kasi nakukulangan ako sa provincial atmosphere na binibigay mo. Hindi sapat ang pagsasabi ng mga palayan, mga hayop na alaga. Dagdagan mo pa, gaya ng paglalahad kung paano ba manirahan sa isang probinsiya.
Grasia Celine
▪ Base sa una hanggang sa ikaanim na kabanata, nailahad mo si Grasia bilang isang anak na masunurin sa magulang, na para bang takot siyang ma-disappoint niya ang Mama niya. Siya rin iyong tipo ng pinsan na sasakyan ka sa mga trip ng kasama mo. In short, you almost built her personality perfectly. Except for the fact that she develops feelings for Enzo that fast. I mean, wala pang chapter four or three, her heart flutters for Enzo even though they only met not too long ago.
▪ Also, hindi ko siya nakitaan ng character development sa nakalipas na mga kabanata (maliban siguro sa bilis ng pagkakagusto niya kay Enzo, haha).
Enzo
▪ Medyo naguluhan ako kung ano ba talaga ang personality niya. May mga times kasi na pakiramdam ko, ang cold ng pakikitungo niya. Tapos may times din na parang clown siya or funny kaya sa simula'y naging vague siya sa akin pero nakabawi ka naman sa mga sumunod sa chapters dahil mas naipakilala pa kung ano ang katangian niya, at sino ba siya. But I suggest that maybe you take the shifting of his personalities smoothly. Because there's a time wherein he's acting cool and all with Grasia, but then later on become the opposite that turned me off. In shifting personalities, take it slowly and smoothly.
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Miguel & Margaret
▪ Sila iyong masiyahin at palabirong klase ng pinsan. Si Miguel ang pinakamapagbiro, at masiyahin, at ayos lamang iyon. Pero iyong sobra-sobra ay hindi. Ano ang sinasabi ko rito? May mga panahon kasi na wala namang nakakatawa, pero biglang hahagalpak ng tawa si Miguel kaya parang nagiging pilit ang tawa niya kapay ganoon. Kapag nase-sense mong hindi dapat tumawa o walang nakakatawa, 'wag na ilahad o ilagay na tumatawa si Miguel. Puwede ring 'wag gamitin masiyado ang salitang "hagalpak" kasi parang iyon ang superlative ng tawa. Kahit simpleng "aniya at bahagyang natawa" ay ayos na. Kasi kapag palagi mong ginagamit ang salitang "hagalpak" nagmumukha siyang pilit at exaggerated masyado.
▪ Kay Margaret, hindi siya masiyadong na-introduce para sa akin. Parang bigla mo lang siyang ipinasok sa story kasi kakaunti lang ang encounter niya kay Grasia sa nakalipas na mga kabanata kaya nagulat na lang ako nang bigla silang naging close. I mean, oo matagal na silang magpinsan at close na talaga. Pero, mas maigi sana kung dahan-dahan mong ipapakita sa amin ang closeness niya kay Grasia at Miguel.
Minor Characters (Agnes, Lourdes, Claudia, Vernon, Carlos, etc.)
▪ Although they're minor characters (or so I seem) doesn't mean that we don't have to focus on them too much. The minor characters stated above were really vague for me. Iisa lang sila ng tone at rhythm of voice kahit na iba-iba ang mga katangian nila. Lalo na kina Lourdes, Carlos, at Vernon. Sila ang pinaka-vague para sa akin kasi hindi sila masyadong nagkaka-encounter kay Grasia. I suggest you try to change the way they speak so it won't be vague.
▪ As for Grasia's mother, Claudia, she's the typical type of mother that's uptight, cold, sophisticated, and strict. But why is she like that? Siya lang naman kasi yata ang may ganiyang ugali sa kanilang magkakapatid, so bakit gano'n ang pakikitungo, at ugali niya sa iba? Hindi sapat ang sabihin mo na strikta at malamig ang pakikitungo ni Claudia. Mas mainam kung bibigyan mo kami ng hints kung bakit gano'n siya makitungo para hindi rin vague ang kalabasan ng kaniyang karakter.
▪ In Grasia's case, hindi ko talaga siya nakitaan ng character development. Take note that every existing characters (especially the mains) must have characters development to result in a loving and relatable one. Wala rin kasi naipakitang imperfections sa kaniya kaya wala ring self development. You built her almost perfect, as if she has no problems nor struggles at all. Take note too that characters must have imperfections so readers can relate to them.
▪ Same goes for Enzo, hindi kasi gaanong clarified ang personality niya thus puro perspective ni Grasia ang nailalahad. I get it that the conflict is not yet on the early chapters since you're taking it slowly (?), and the conflict is probably about the love they'll have for each other that'll be forbidden by Grasia's Mother. But still, you have to at least, give us small conflict within your character's personality, or struggles.
Structure
▪ The structure of the story for me was pretty weak. At saka hindi balanse ang nabubuong chemistry ng dalawa sa ibang topics. Kasi halos lahat ng chapters, laging andoon si Enzo. Palaging sila ni Grasia ang bumubuo sa kabanata. Oo, nagpopokus ka sa mga bida, pero 'wag masiyado. Bigyan mo rin ng spotlights ang ibang characters para mas maipakilala mo pa sila nang husto sa amin at para mabalanse rin ang takbo ng story. Kasi palaging sina Enzo at Grasia talaga ang laman ng mga kabanata mo e. Maybe balance it? Like half of the chapter reflects their chemistry and the other half reflects the bond of Grasia and her cousins, or her mother. Don't focus too much in Enzo and Grasia.
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Originality
▪ Yes, it's kinda cliche. But at least, you were able to pull off your own uniqueness in this story. You were able to express yourself as a writer, and that's enough.
Creativity
▪ I like it how you were really able to express yourself through words. How you were able to pull off this kind of story, although it's simple, flaws and creativities were shown.
☆ Hindi hinihilot ang paa (o anumang bahagi ng katawan) kapag may sugat, galos, o pilay ito.
▪ I am no expert in medicine or such, but a friend of mine explained it to me why you should not massage your foot when you've obtain wounds or bruises from it. Because it'll infect more the wound, and things may get worse. Now, why am I telling this? Because on chapter five or four, you said that Enzo massaged Grasia's wounded foot. Mali 'yon. Hindi dapat at kailanma'y minamasahe ang paa kapag may natamong sugat dahil baka lumala pa ito. Ayos na iyong nilagyan lang ni Enzo ng alcohol ang sugat ni Grasia.
☆ How can Grasia develop feelings for Enzo that fast?
▪ Wala pang chapter ten, crush na niya agad si Enzo. Isn't that quite fast? Sobrang bilis ng pagkaka-develop ni Grasia ng feelings kay Enzo kahit na hindi niya direktang sinabi sa pananaw niya. Take it slowly, Author. You can always start it off by them being just friends and later on have feelings for each other. Well, you can say it's love at first sight, but still, ang bilis no'n. Masiyadong mabilis magpakita si Grasia ng motives na gusto na niya si Enzo. Take it slowly, but surely.
Wastong paggamit ng "rin, raw, rito, riyan, roon" at "din, daw, dito, diyan, doon"
▪ Ginagamit ang "rin, raw, rito, riyan, roon" kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa patinig (a, e, i, o, u). Ginagamit din ito kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig na "w, y," dahil katunog lamang nito ang mga patinig.
Halimbawa:
- Maganda rin sa Pilipinas.
- Maganda raw sa Pilipinas.
- Maganda rito sa Luzon.
- Maganda riyan ipagdiwang ang iyong kaarawan.
▪ Habang ang "din, daw, dito, diyan, doon" ay ginagamit kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig (b, c, d, f...). Ito rin ay ginagamit kapag ang huling dalawang letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa "ra, re, ri, ro, ru"
Halimbawa:
- Pangit din ang ugali niya.
- Pangit daw ang ugali niya.
- Mahilig matulog dito ang magkapatid tuwing hapon.
- Mahilig din diyan ang mga kaibigan ko.
- Bakit ba ayaw niya tanggapin ang tulong natin? Para din naman sa kaniya ito.
Wastong paggamit ng "nang" at "ng"
▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano, gaano, at kapag inuulit ang kilos.
Halimbawa:
- Kumakain nang mabagal si Anne.
- Tumaba nang bahagya si Anne dahil kain siya nang kain.
- Putak nang putak si Angela dahil kay Anne.
▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.
Halimbawa:
- Kumain ang magbabarkada ng itlog at hotdog.
- Matalik na kaibigan ni Summer ang pinsan ng Tita niya.
- Mahilig siyang kumain ng french fries ng Mcdo.
Incorrect & correct uses of words
❌ nun, iyun/yun, ganun, nung, niyun
✔ noon/no'n, iyon/'yon, ganoon/gano'n, noong/no'ng, niyon
❌ palang, nalang, mandin, manlang, parin, narin
✔ pa lang, na lang, man din, man lang, pa rin, na rin
❌ saakin, sakanya, saamin, sakanila
✔ sa akin, sa kaniya, sa amin, sa kanila
❌ sayo, samin, sakin
✔ sa 'yo, sa 'min, sa 'kin
❌ kompara, pisge, tenga, nangyayare
✔ kumpara, pingi, tainga, nangyayari
❌ maniningin, mantititig, nangingiting
✔ titingin, tumititig, nakangiting
❌ tignan
✔ tingnan
❌ ko, na'to, to
✔ ako/'ko, na 'to, 'to
Misspelled Filipino Words and Phrases
1. Kadalasan o palagi ang may u sa pagitan ng k at w.
✅Kuwento, kuweba, kuwaderno, kuwago, engkuwentro
❌Kwento, kweba, kwaderno, kwago, engkwentro
Halimbawa:
a. Si Jacob at Jose ay nagkaroon ng engkuwentro; kamao sa kamao.
b. Ang mga mata ni Therese ay nagmistulang sa kuwago dahil siya'y kulang sa tulog.
2. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i sa pagitan ng "ns" at "y".
✅Probinsiya, konsensiya, ahensiya, pasensiya, ebidensiya
❌probinsya, konsensya, ahensya, pasensya, ebidensya
Halimbawa:
a. Si Jacob ay walang konsensiya kay Jose
.
b. "Huwag mong ubusin ang pasensiya ni Therese! Mumurahin ka niyan."
3. ✅Mapagpakumbaba
❌Mapagkumbaba
Halimbawa:
a. Si Maria ay isang mapagpakumbabang tao.
4. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i bago ang pandiwang nagsisimula sa katinig.
✅itinuturo, itinimbog, itinatampok, ipinagpapalagay
❌tinuturo, tinimbog, tinatampok, pinagpapalagay
a. "Itinuturo mo sa akin ang kasalananang ginawa mo, ganoon ka ba kakapal? " asik ni Therese.
b. "Alam mo ba? Itinatampok daw ni Mareng Jessica ngayon ang mga memes ni Reign."
5. ✅alaala, katakataka(halaman)
❌ala-ala, kataka-taka
a. Presko pa sa alaala ni Levi ang ginawa niyang pananampal sa kubrador ng utang.
b. Dahil dakilang plantita si Elise, nagtanim siya ng katakataka sa kaniyang bakuran.
6. ❌ano man, nino man, sino man, saan man, kailan man
✔anuman, ninuman, sinuman, saanman, kailanman
a. "Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo kailanman! " puno nang emosyong saad ni Princess habang lumuluha.
b. Kung sino man ang tumututol sa kasalang ito ay maari nang lumayas.
7. ✅Natutuhan
❌natutunan
Halimbawa:
a. Hindi pa rin niya tuluyang natutuhan kung paano mahalin ang kaniyang sarili.
8. ✅Komento, konsensiya, koleksiyon, koneksiyon, kompanya
❌kumento, kunsensiya, kuleksiyon, kuneksiyon, kumpanya
9. Parehong "maya-maya" ang isda at pang-abay. Ginagamitan ng malaking titik ang isda kung gagamitin ito sa isang pangungusap, talata o sulatin kasama ng pang-abay na kapangalan nito. Maaari ding gamitan ito ng malaking titik (na siyang karaniwang paraan ng pagsusulat sa mga species ng isda) kahit hindi nito kasama ang pang-abay na maya-maya
✅Maya-maya, Maya-Maya (isda)
❌mayamaya, Mayamaya
a. Paboritong isda ni Haniel ang Maya-maya.
b. Maya-maya't lamang ay lalabas na ang panauhin ni Shannah.
10. Sinu-sino at Anu-ano ang tamang pagbaybay kapag nagtatanong. Sino-sino at Ano-ano naman kapag nagsasalaysay.
✅Sinu-sino ang mga miyembro ng Critic Team?
❌Sino-sino, Sino sino, Sinu sino
❌Kung sino-sino na ang nakatikim ng kaniyang putahe.
✔Sinu-sino, Sinu sino, sino sino
11. Sino + ang
✅"Sino'ng umubos ng tilapya ko?" tanong ni Aegir.
❌Sinong, Sinung
Sino + na = Sinong
✅Walang kahit na sinong traydor ang puwede sa grupong ito!
❌Sinung, Sino'ng
Ano + ang = Ano'ng
Ano + na = Anong
12. ✅Puwede
❌Pwede, Pwide, P'wede, Pupuwede, Pup'wede, Pipwede, Pipuwede
13.Hindi dapat pinaghihiwalay ang mga katinig kapag naglalagay ng gitlapi.
✅Plinano, Grinipo, Trinumpo, Brinaso, Trinato, Trinaydor
❌Pinlano, Ginripo, Tinrumpo, Binraso, Tinrato, Tinraydor
a. Plinano ni Austin ang lahat para mapabagsak si Ali.
14. Ang unlaping i- at gitlaping -in- aynpalagian o kadalasang magkasama. Walang unlaping ini- sa unahan ng mga katinig.
✅ihinahabilin, ilinilihim, ilinathala, ipinaliwanag, idinulog, iginuhit, iginiit, ikinababagabag
❌inihahabilin, inililihim, inilathala, inipaliwanag, inidulog, inigiit, inikababagabag
a. Isa lamang ang ikinababagabag ni Sanchai... Iyon ay malaman nila ang kaniyang lihim.
15. Sa pormal na pagsusulat ay walang unlaping nakaka-. Ang unlaping naka- o nakapag- ay kadalasan o palagiang sinusundan ng inuulit na unang pantig ng salita.
✅Nakatutuwa, Nakatatawa, Nakaaangat, nakabibilib, nakahihigit
❌nakakatuwa, nakakatawa, nakakaangat, nakakabilib, nakakahigit
a. "Nakabibilib naman ang naganap na sabong! " wika ni Levi.
16.✅Tingnan, tainga
❌tignan, tenga
a. Piningot ni Reign ang tainga ni Abieson.
17. ✅Kaysa, Mayroon
❌Kesa, Keysa, Mayron, Meron, merun, miron, mayro'n
a. Mas mabuti na lamang ang may magalit sa iyo sa sinabi mong katotohanan kaysa mayroon kang tinatagong kasinungalingan.
TAGS (DIALOGUE, ACTION AND ADVERBIAL)
Dialogue Tags: What Are They and How To Use Them
A. What is a Dialogue Tag?
1. Also often referred to as an attribution, a dialogue tag is a small phrase either before, after, or in between the actual dialogue itself. It is used to inform the readers who’s the speaker of the dialogue.
Example:
» “Who ate my banana?” asked Joseph.
The phrase “asked Joseph” is the dialogue tag in the sentence.
***
B. How To Use Dialogue Tags?
Dialogue tags are found in three different places: before, after, or in the middle of dialogue. Depending on where the dialogue tags are, you use different punctuations and capitalization.
1. Tag Before the Dialogue
a. When dialogue tags are before the dialogue, it looks any of these:
» Sanchai asked, “Mabait ba talaga ako?”
» Sanchai muttered, “I’m fine.”
» Sanchai exclaimed, “That was so amazing!”
b. How it works:
» ALWAYS use a comma after the dialogue tag.
» If the dialogue tag is the beginning of a sentence, capitalize the first letter.
» End the dialogue with the appropriate punctuation (period, exclamation point, or question mark), but keep it INSIDE the quotation marks.
***
2. Tag After the Dialogue
a. When dialogue tags are used after the dialogue, it looks any of these:
» “Sinong gusto magpakulam?” Sena asked.
» “Good morning, criminals,” said Sena.
» “Kukulamin ko lahat ng mga traydor!” she exclaimed.
b. How it works:
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Vampire Genesis
Zuheil hurt anyone she could until the consequences of her actions caught up with her when she was murdered in retribution. In the depths of hell, she came upon an entity that had use for her in its perpetual war with the light. She was sent to a world different from her own, to fulfil its vague purpose. Zuheil awakens in the body of a Beast of great power. She must now learn how to control it and, in time, use it to dominate.
8 165The Polyglot's Rune
Fear. Regret. Memories. They all flashed before my eyes as my life began to fade away. I felt a darkness encroach upon my heart followed by a sinister foreboding. Within that moment I was asked a single question by a powerful, mystical being. “Brave being, do you wish to accomplish a great deed in your life?” “No,” I refused, but the voice did not listen. It summoned me to its world only to try to have me slaughtered. But then, I was saved by him, the princess who disguised herself as a man. He was hellbent on revenge, and he was determined to drag me down with him. This story is meant to be a bit of a mix of genres and cultures, so there are some elements that may seem xianxia like, but it's not exactly the same so I didn't tag it. It also has multiple lead characters but is written in first person. Schedule: Dropped Normal Chapter Length: approximately 3000 words Warning: Tagged [15+] for Strong Language and Violence (Gore and Profanity aren't very prevalent, but I added the warning tags just in case).
8 130The Seeker's Quest
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8 93Orc Hunt
What happens when a non-hero is asked to do a hero's job after a band of Orcs raid his sleepy country town? This started as a "what if" game I was playing with my kids. Here's hoping you enjoy it, too!
8 72A world that divides us mha/bnha
✨completed as of 12/12/21✨⭐️97k+ words⭐️🌞 finished editing as of 1/2/22🌞🧀you can see my writing get better throughout this book lol🧀When Izuku come face to face with death can his quirk finally finally reveals itself? What happens when things take a sharp left turn? Is this the quirk he's longed for, or is he victim to another mans quirk? Ah yes your prays have been heard, There is dadzawa in this.And something like todobakudeku someone suggested it so I thought I'd give it a shot. Warnings as I won't be putting them above chapter:Death /Main character deathInjuries &Gore Physical Abuse & Mental manipulation Experimentation / medical processes Mental health issuesCreepy old men/ non con medical procedures ^^Descriptive detail of all above^^Cover art by @oksopi12 on Twitter! Story overview on chapter ⓪Started: 25 JanuaryFinished: 12 December
8 171A girl, Isabella, gets abducted and taken onto a ship. The ship is a transport for the intergalactic zoo and Isabella would be the second human taken to the zoo. Drew, who was taken in 1949, had to fight for his life for what seems to be months, when in actuality has been decades. Isabella gets put into a human exhibit where she meets drew. They must survive together in order to escape but will they? Will they fall in love? Or will all hope be lost and they give up?NOTE: this is my very first book and I won't be editing it. Therefore please understand that there will be a lot of issues like an underdeveloped plot line or not enough character development. Also it's kind of cringy. Read at your own risk
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