《critique shop》B1 | 08
Advertisement
My feedbacks mean no offense to the author and story. These are all solely intended for the improvement of your work. If you have concerns regarding this critique, feel free to message me privately. Everything stated here came from my own perspectives and opinions which may differ from others.
▪ The title is short, and very simple to remember. Though based on the first ten chapters, I haven't seen it's relevance or connect to your story. That's why I'm quite confused of why you chose the word "Version" as the title's story even though it wasn't quite shown nor justified in the first ten chapters.
▪ Also, why is the title's letters capitalized? Is it meant to be like that or it's just what you like? I suggest you just capitalize the first letter so that it won't look and bring some sort of exaggeration.
▪ The cover is really off. It doesn't bring any teenfic vibes. Parang ang gloomy ng aura thus 'di gaanong makita at ma-emphasize ang title sa cover. Tapos hindi akma sa character ni Yrra ang portrayer knowing she has a bad attitude, which wasn't shown in the cover.
▪ Changing the cover would be commendable so it can be relevant to the story, and be catchy.
▪ The blurb was good. You delivered it well of what your story is about, though medyo maiksi siya at 'di gaanong malaman para sa akin.
▪ Chapter one pa lang, alam mo na kung anong ugali mayroon siya. Siya 'yong tipong hindi umuurong sa laban, malakas ang loob at matapang. Naipakita rin ang pagkakaroon niya ng attitude problems, and the way she isolates herself from others. Kaso nakulangan ako sa mga emosiyon niya, pati sa ibang characters. Sobrang nag-lack talaga sa emosyon, kaya 'di ko gaanong naramdaman ang nararamdaman niya kapag galit, siya o masaya.
▪ Okay, so he's a provincial guy. At first, akala ko mabait siya, that kind of guy na masiyahin at mabait. Pero no'ng sumunod na chapters, naging cold siya kay Yrra which is really confusing me. Bakit ang cold niya bigla kay Yrra? Why is he acting like that towards her? Isa ito sa mga 'di na-justify para sa akin. The way he interacts with Yrra is very unconvincing for me since I didn't see the main reason why he's acting like that. At saka medyo vague rin siya para sa akin kasi ang bilis ng pscing ng story.
▪ All of them has the same tone and rhythm of voice. They weren't introduced well. Sa unang encounter nila kay Yrra, hindi sapat na i-describe niya lang ang mukha o suot nila kasi nagiging vague rin kahit may physical appearance. Nalilito rin ako minsan kung sino ang nagsasalita kapag hindi mo nailalagay ang pangalan matapos ang dialogue, kaya sana, ma-improve mo pa ang pag-i-introduce sa mga karakter.
▪ I've seen Yrra's character development thanks to her flashbacks, I was able to determine it. Back on her old school, she has no friends, and a very cold person with an attitude. But when she transferred to another school, she changed a lot. I could see her improvement because she gained a lot of new friends, her fights became less, and she started to get along with her friends. Good job, Author!
▪ It was clearly shown that the conflicts she's having is herself. She's having difficulties on forgiving and accepting herself because of what happened back then. It was a battle between herself. You were able to point out the conflict of the story based on the first ten chapters, and that's great!
▪ Weak ang structure ng plot para sa akin. Ang bilis kasi ng pacing ng bawat narrations sa chapter. Sobrang iksi ng scenes 'yong tipong nasa school pa lang, then biglang kinabukasan. Take it slowly, author. The flow of your story is fast, and not smooth for me. Take it slowly, if Yrra's in school, stick to that first before jumping into other scenarios. Because if not, parang kang nagmamadali.
Advertisement
▪ The story's kinda simple and cliché for me since it's a battle between the character's self improvement. Nevertheless, there's some flaws and originality to be seen. I just hope that there's some kind of a plot twist on the end of the story.
▪ Like what I've said, hindi na gaanong bago para sa akin ang ganitong plot ng story. You were also able to pull of your own way of creativity, and I appreciate it!
▪ The settings were so vague. Basta mo lang kasi nasabi ang lugar through Yrra's point of view. You weren't able to describe the places she's been to which resulted to the story being really vague. In writing a story, describing the places is important so that the readers can imagine every scenarios in the story. Describe the places using the five senses; sight, sound, smell, touch and taste. Hindi ko kasi nadadama ang environment ni Yrra sa probinsiya siya, it doesn't bring any provincial vibes for me.
▪ Same goes for the mood. I wasn't able to tackle the mood of your story since it really lacks the showing and describing of places. So I hope you can work on this more.
☆ How did Yrra know what Arthur's voice sound like?
▪ Alder only introduced his friends to Yrra, and none of them spoke before this dialogue. So, paano nalaman ni Yrra na si Arthur ang nagsalita? Be careful on what you write, Author because a simple error like this can confuse readers, such as myself.
☆ Lack of Emotions.
▪ This is one of most important thing that a writer should remember in order to reach their readers hearts. Don't just tell what your character is feeling, show it instead. Telling them that your character feels sad is not enough. Use the method of showing. Ipakita mo sa amin kung ano ang nararamdaman nila, gaano kasakit, o saya ang pakiramdam nila. Because by doing this, you can reach your readers hearts.
☆ How can a grade 7 student do drag racing?
▪ Be realistic somehow. This is not a fantasy story or what, it's a teen fiction meaning there should be realistic and relatable things that should happen. This is really extreme for me. Seriously, a grade 7 student doing drag racing? That's too much kahit pa na sabihin mong talented, may skills, or characteristics si Yrra na napo-possess ng isang drag racer. Sobrang bata pa kasi ng grade 7, 13 or 14 years old pa lang 'yan tapos drag racer na? This is also one of the reasons why Yrra is an unrelatable character for me. Kahit na grade 7, 9, or any high school grade level ay hindi kayang mag-drag racing dito sa Pilipinas. So please, be realistic on your story.
☆ How can a major injured person drive?
▪ It was stated here that Yrra got hurt by a knife not only once. Thus she also got shot. So how on earth can a high school student be that strong and can still be able to drive? Like what I've said, be realistic. Wala pa nga yata sa tamang edad si Yrra para maging ganiyan kalakas. I mean, how can she endure the pain? She got stabbed by a knife, and got shot by a gun and she's only grade 9 (?) That time.
▪ Walang sinuman ang makakapagmaneho nang ganiyan lalo na't nasaksak siya sa balikat. Acceptable pa siguro kung si Noah ang nag-drive since wala naman siyang tama o kung ano. Also, how is she so skilled on fighting and shooting? It wasn't said on the flashback that she's learning on how to fight back, so how can she be so strong?
Advertisement
☆ How can a kid summarize a law case?
▪ Sobrang bata pa ni Yrra that time, tapos ang punishment para sa kaniya ay ang pagsa-summariza ng case ng Dad niya? That's unbelievable and unrealistic. She's only 6 or 7 that time, so paano niya naiintindihan ang mga nakasulat sa isang kaso? Take note that summarizing a case is a difficult job that even a child can't do. Kahit pa na sabihing matalino si Yrra, this is a law we're talking about which is not being taught on a elementary school yet.
☆ How can she develop feelings for Alder that fast?
▪ Wala pang one week mula nang magkakilala sila, pero ang bilis naman niyang maka-develop ng feelings para kay Alder. Kahit hindi direct na sinabi sa chapter, as is na 'yan base sa mga kilos ni Yrra kay Alder. Gaya ng sinabi ko, maging realistic ka, Author sa mga nangyayari sa story mo kasi teen fiction din 'yan. Nakulangan din kasi ako sa mga emotions at action ni Alder kaya nagulat na lang talaga ako sa inaakto ni Yrra noon.
>| Wastong paggamit ng "rin, raw, rito, riyan" at "din, daw, dito, diyan"
▪ Ginagamit ang "rin, raw, rito, riyan" kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa patinig (a, e, i, o, u). Ginagamit din ito kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig na "w, y," dahil katunog lamang nito ang mga patinig.
Halimbawa:
- Magand sa Pilipinas.
- Magand sa Pilipinas.
- Magand sa Luzon.
- Magand ipagdiwang ang iyong kaarawan.
▪ Habang ang "din, daw, dito, diyan" ay ginagamit kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig (b, c, d, f...). Ito rin ay ginagamit kapag ang huling dalawang letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa "ra, re, ri, ro, ru"
Halimbawa:
- Pangi ang ugali niya.
- Pangi ang ugali niya.
- Mahilig matulo ang magkapatid tuwing hapon.
- Mahilig di ang mga kaibigan ko.
- Bakit ba ayaw niya tanggapin ang tulong natin? Pa naman sa kaniya ito.
>| Wastong paggamit ng "nang" at "ng"
▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano, gaano, at kapag inuulit ang kilos.
Halimbawa:
- Kumakain nang mabagal si Anne.
- Tumaba nang bahagya si Anne dahil kain siya nang kain.
- Putak nang putak si Angela dahil kay Anne.
▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.
Halimbawa:
- Kumain ang magbabarkada ng itlog at hotdog.
- Matalik na kaibigan ni Summer ang pinsan ng Tita niya.
- Mahilig siyang kumain ng french fries ng Mcdo.
>| Incorrect & correct uses of words
❌ nun, yun, dun
✔ noon/no'n, iyon/'yon, doon/do'n
❌ sa'yo, sa'kin, sa'min
✔ sa 'yo, sa 'kin, sa 'min
❌ meron
✔ mayro'n/mayroon
❌ chicherya
✔ sitserya/tsitsirya
❌ nangingiting
✔ nakangiting
❌ buntung hininga
✔ buntong-hininga
❌ holdupper
✔ holdaper
❌ Mc Do
✔ McDo
>| Use quotation marks (") if it indicates a direct speech.
▪ The dialogues above are direct speeches right? They're rumors that Yrra heard, so you must put quotation marks (") at the beginning and at the end.
>| Always end the paragraph or sentence with a period (.) Not a comma (,).
▪ The ones highlighted above are what I'm referring to. Sa part na "biglang," itinuloy mo na dapat ito kasi nagmumukha siya putol. Ganoon din sa iba na naka-highlight. Again, do not use comma (,) to end the paragraph. Use period (.) Instead.
>| Misspelled Filipino Words and Phrases
1. Kadalasan o palagi ang may u sa pagitan ng k at w.
✅Kuwento, kuweba, kuwaderno, kuwago, engkuwentro
❌Kwento, kweba, kwaderno, kwago, engkwentro
Halimbawa:
a. Si Jacob at Jose ay nagkaroon ng engkuwentro; kamao sa kamao.
b. Ang mga mata ni Therese ay nagmistulang sa kuwago dahil siya'y kulang sa tulog.
2. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i sa pagitan ng "ns" at "y".
✅Probinsiya, konsensiya, ahensiya, pasensiya, ebidensiya
❌probinsya, konsensya, ahensya, pasensya, ebidensya
Halimbawa:
a. Si Jacob ay walang konsensiya kay Jose
.
b. "Huwag mong ubusin ang pasensiya ni Therese! Mumurahin ka niyan."
3. ✅Mapagpakumbaba
❌Mapagkumbaba
Halimbawa:
a. Si Maria ay isang mapagpakumbabang tao.
4. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i bago ang pandiwang nagsisimula sa katinig.
✅itinuturo, itinimbog, itinatampok, ipinagpapalagay
❌tinuturo, tinimbog, tinatampok, pinagpapalagay
a. "Itinuturo mo sa akin ang kasalananang ginawa mo, ganoon ka ba kakapal? " asik ni Therese.
b. "Alam mo ba? Itinatampok daw ni Mareng Jessica ngayon ang mga memes ni Reign."
5. ✅alaala, katakataka(halaman)
❌ala-ala, kataka-taka
a. Presko pa sa alaala ni Levi ang ginawa niyang pananampal sa kubrador ng utang.
b. Dahil dakilang plantita si Elise, nagtanim siya ng katakataka sa kaniyang bakuran.
6. ❌ano man, nino man, sino man, saan man, kailan man
✔anuman, ninuman, sinuman, saanman, kailanman
a. "Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo kailanman! " puno nang emosyong saad ni Princess habang lumuluha.
b. Kung sino man ang tumututol sa kasalang ito ay maari nang lumayas.
7. ✅Natutuhan
❌natutunan
Halimbawa:
a. Hindi pa rin niya tuluyang natutuhan kung paano mahalin ang kaniyang sarili.
8. ✅Komento, konsensiya, koleksiyon, koneksiyon, kompanya
❌kumento, kunsensiya, kuleksiyon, kuneksiyon, kumpanya
9. Parehong "maya-maya" ang isda at pang-abay. Ginagamitan ng malaking titik ang isda kung gagamitin ito sa isang pangungusap, talata o sulatin kasama ng pang-abay na kapangalan nito. Maaari ding gamitan ito ng malaking titik (na siyang karaniwang paraan ng pagsusulat sa mga species ng isda) kahit hindi nito kasama ang pang-abay na maya-maya
✅Maya-maya, Maya-Maya (isda)
❌mayamaya, Mayamaya
a. Paboritong isda ni Haniel ang Maya-maya.
b. Maya-maya't lamang ay lalabas na ang panauhin ni Shannah.
10. Sinu-sino at Anu-ano ang tamang pagbaybay kapag nagtatanong. Sino-sino at Ano-ano naman kapag nagsasalaysay.
✅Sinu-sino ang mga miyembro ng Critic Team?
❌Sino-sino, Sino sino, Sinu sino
❌Kung sino-sino na ang nakatikim ng kaniyang putahe.
✔Sinu-sino, Sinu sino, sino sino
11. Sino + ang
✅"Sino'ng umubos ng tilapya ko?" tanong ni Aegir.
❌Sinong, Sinung
Sino + na = Sinong
✅Walang kahit na sinong traydor ang puwede sa grupong ito!
❌Sinung, Sino'ng
Ano + ang = Ano'ng
Ano + na = Anong
12. ✅Puwede
❌Pwede, Pwide, P'wede, Pupuwede, Pup'wede, Pipwede, Pipuwede
13.Hindi dapat pinaghihiwalay ang mga katinig kapag naglalagay ng gitlapi.
✅Plinano, Grinipo, Trinumpo, Brinaso, Trinato, Trinaydor
❌Pinlano, Ginripo, Tinrumpo, Binraso, Tinrato, Tinraydor
a. Plinano ni Austin ang lahat para mapabagsak si Ali.
14. Ang unlaping i- at gitlaping -in- aynpalagian o kadalasang magkasama. Walang unlaping ini- sa unahan ng mga katinig.
✅ihinahabilin, ilinilihim, ilinathala, ipinaliwanag, idinulog, iginuhit, iginiit, ikinababagabag
❌inihahabilin, inililihim, inilathala, inipaliwanag, inidulog, inigiit, inikababagabag
a. Isa lamang ang ikinababagabag ni Sanchai... Iyon ay malaman nila ang kaniyang lihim.
15. Sa pormal na pagsusulat ay walang unlaping nakaka-. Ang unlaping naka- o nakapag- ay kadalasan o palagiang sinusundan ng inuulit na unang pantig ng salita.
✅Nakatutuwa, Nakatatawa, Nakaaangat, nakabibilib, nakahihigit
❌nakakatuwa, nakakatawa, nakakaangat, nakakabilib, nakakahigit
a. "Nakabibilib naman ang naganap na sabong! " wika ni Levi.
16.✅Tingnan, tainga
❌tignan, tenga
a. Piningot ni Reign ang tainga ni Abieson.
17. ✅Kaysa, Mayroon
❌Kesa, Keysa, Mayron, Meron, merun, miron, mayro'n
a. Mas mabuti na lamang ang may magalit sa iyo sa sinabi mong katotohanan kaysa mayroon kang tinatagong kasinungalingan.
Advertisement
Dark Wind, Icy Snow - (RyuTar, YinYuan) [BL]
Born a fatherless bastard, Nox ZaiWin has always been seen as a pariah by those around him. It doesn’t matter how hard he has tried to make a name for himself, excelling both in combat and military strategy, climbing all the way to his present position as Calzai by sheer hard work and persistence. His only goal? To be left alone so he can govern over his poor, ravaged Province in peace. And so, yeah, the last thing he wanted, was to become some Celestial’s Chosen One. And is that even a Celestial? Hasn’t the brat just murdered more than one-hundred of his men with a single scream? Aren’t Celestials supposed to be holly, pure beings, that abhor all forms of death and killing? No other choice! No matter how sinful it may be, the brat must die. Snow has lived most of his life locked in a dark room, explored and sold for his miraculous blood. There are a lot of things he does not understand about the outside world. But one thing is certain. He does not want to have anything to do with some scary dark monster. He wants to be free! And he’ll do whatever it takes to reach his goal. And yet … Shit! Aren’t they stuck together now? Their life-lines intertwined? Wait! If the dark monster wants him dead, that’s easy enough to solve. All he has to do is to successfully kill him first! ** Updates Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Thank you for reading! ♥ ** WARNING: This is BL novel, including Boy x Boy Romance. If you're not up to sailing such waters happily turn around and search for something else to read. :)
8 111The Hunters: Gaea
Gaea. A harsh world where Monsters, Magic, Demons exist. Humanity as a whole live in this world of mystical terror, surviving against Demons and Monsters alike with technology more advanced and combined with the magic of this world. This story will be in the perspective of Alexander Ares. A young Hunter who will join the world's demon slaying police force known as the Hunters Guild. There he will exterminate Demons and reach the top of the guild to be the best Hunter. Filter here! This'll be the first story I have written. The person who both wrote it alongside it is a dear friend of mine named Artemis. He helps out on fleshing out the messes I think of and see if the world I have written is good enough. In short it's a work done where he has 60% of contributing where I do 40% Please enjoy this world I have written with subpar writing! I also post every Mondays and Fridays except on the last week of the month!
8 162I AM GAMER IV
The continuing adventures of Lawrence Wrath who has been sent back in time to before there was the United States. Join Lawrence, Moon Flower, Billy, Patty, and of course Freak and Winston as they save the past by rewriting it! I Am Gamer is an Epic LItRPG and GameLit time travelling adventure.
8 56Tale of a worm(Rewrite)
what if you got reincarnated as a worm??? Rewrite of Tale of a worm I have to rewrite the story because it's too messed up the proloque is the same as the original,only with more info note that the begining will be chaotic and please expect terrible grammar as I'm just a beginer and still learning
8 72★Rise of the Gun Hero★
[F.Reader x TROTSH]I do not own the anime/manga/story of "The Rise of the Shield Hero". This is simply just a fanmade story of it!I would like to say, the gun concept isn't an original! And is based off of other stories I've read. I also don't have the best grammar. So if you see any mistakes, feel free to message me about it. I may in the future change the whole concept later on.6/7/2020 - #1 TROTSH8/21/2020 - #1 TheRisingOfTheShieldHero
8 135Naive Astronaut (Toruka Story english) 1.
"Do you want to be an outsider for the rest of your life? A half-human and half-alien? "Away from all the trivialities of humanity? In a new universe among worlds apart and shining stardust... ...together with me?"Torio has only one goal in mind. The infinite universe and its freedom in zero gravity. Being wheelchair bound since an accident, only his fierce ambition and the desire to search for aliens made him an astronaut. Everything goes well, he floats in his little rocket and celebrates his new life until Mori crosses his path and the game of fire and ice begins.
8 85