《critique shop》B1 | 07
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My feedbacks mean no offense to the story nor author. These are all solely intended for the betterment of your work. If you have concerns regarding this critique, feel free to message me privately. Everything stated here came from my perspectives.
This contains spoilers, beware.
Typos and errors are expected.
ishangday
▪ Okay, so when I've first read the title, it already came up to my mind that this story contains romance since the title says it all. And "atypical" means something unusual or unordinary. And together with the three other words, it came out something like an unusual ending, something really unexpected.
▪ Based on the first ten chapters, I did not see the title's accuracy to its story maybe because it was already planned to show why the title was like that in the middle or ending part of the story.
▪ The cover was beautiful the way it is. It shows the fantasy-romance vibes that definitely fits your story.
▪ I suggest that you make the fonts, especially the title, more visible since some of the letters weren't that much clear.
▪ The description wasn't enough for me, honestly. It was too short, and pretty much unconvincing. Maybe instead of putting one sentences, make it a short paragraph of what the story really is about so the readers can have a head-ups about your story.
▪ Also, I noticed a small grammatical error that can be fixed. A girl who lost in someone's story is supposed to be written as A girl who's lost in someone's story.
▪ The blurb kinda hooked me too. Kasi by what you meant a girl who's inside in someone's story, kakaiba siya. Ngayon pa lang ako nakabasa ng ganoong blurb kaya binasa ko talaga ang akda mo. Just work more on your description, para mas lalong ma-hook ang mga readers.
▪ Medyo vague ang mga setting at scenarios dahil hindi nagagamit ang five senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, touch) kaya hindi gaanong fresh para sa akin. Hindi gaanong na-describe kung ano ba talaga ang itsura ng school, at bahay kaya sobrang unclear at unimaginable siya.
▪ In writing the place of your story in a specific chapter, I highly advice that you use the five senses I've mentioned above. So that we could know more about the world that you've built in the story. Para mas lalong buháy.
▪ Sa kaniya ako pinakanaguluhan. Kasi sa 1st chapter pa lang, sinabi mo na may kumokontrol sa katauhan niya, gets ko pa sa part na 'yon. Pero sa mga sumusunod na chapter, doon na ako nagsimulang maguluhan. Kasi hindi ko alam kung sino ang puppet at ang tunay na siya roon. May mga times kasi na nagiging dalawa ang voice niya (which is good since someone's controlling her). For example, it was stated somewhere in a chapter that she likes Callix, but then there's another time when she said she doesn't like him. So, paano ko/namin malalaman kung sino ang tunay at puppet doon? Kung gusto niya talaga si Callix or siya talaga 'yon, dapat inilalahad 'yon sa first chapters para malaman namin kung sino ang sino.
▪ Then biglang nakisabay ang teleportation niya. Puwede bang hinay-hinay muna tayo sa pagpapasok ng mga supernatural powers? I suggest na stick to one muna (puppet) para hindi mabilis ang kalabasan ng pacing ng story at character. Kasi para sa akin, nabilisan ako. Hindi ko pa nga nage-gets ang puppet, may teleportation na agad. Kung ang puppet talaga ang gusto mong unahin, doon ka muna magpokus. Ipakita mo muna sa amin kung sino ba ang tunay, at ang hindi. At kung ano ang ibig mong sabihin na may kumokontrol sa kaniya kasi hindi sapat iyong sinabi mo lang na may kumokontrol talaga sa kaniya. Then, after mo sa puppet, 'pag okay na 'yon, you may now proceed to the teleportation. Like what I've said, hinay-hinay lang para hindi mabilis ang kalabasan ng story. Explain to the readers using Hel's point of view of what does she mean by teleportation - Since when did she realize it was happening, what was her thought about that, and what her conclusion about the sudden teleportation. Because her saying that she's been teleporting isn't satisfying for me. So I could you could work on that more.
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▪ One more, is that why does she trust Axel that fast? This is a loophole that I've seen in the story. Wala pa nga yatang weeks bago sila nagkakilala, pinagkakatiwalaan na niya agad? That fast?
▪ These two friends of Hel was really vague for me. They had the same tone, and rhythm of voice kaya minsan naguguluhan ako kung sino ba sa kanila ang nagsasalita. Furthermore, their physical appearances were only described on chapter 4 (correct me if I'm wrong) which is not right for me. Dapat sa unang encounter ng mga mambabasa sa isang karakter ng story ay dine-describe na agad sila especially sa itsura kasi roon magbabasehan ang mga mambabasa kung paano nila mai-imagine sina Sabrina at Selene (ganoon din sa ibang mga karakter).
▪ Sa chapter 4 lang din nasabi kung ano ang mga ugali nila, which is not right again for me. Instead of telling it to us, show it. Show, don't tell. Ipakita mo sa amin kung bakit ganoon ang mga ugali nila, hindi iyong sasabihin mo lang na parang nagkukuwento. Dapat na ilahad ito para mas maging buháy ang mga karakter.
▪ Medyo nalito rin ako sa pabago-bago ng ugali niya. May times kasi na mabait siya kay Hel, then may times din na parang galit siya na hindi naja-justified para sa akin. Bakit ba ganoon na lang siya magalit kay Hel? Bakit pabago-bago ang ugali at pakikitungo niya kay Hel?
▪ Binanggit mo rin (through Hel) na sikat siya sa school nila. Sa paanong paraan? Hindi naman kasi yata nabanggit na nagiging MVP siya sa mga laro, at kung paano siya nakikitungo sa mga tao ng school kaya paano siya nagiging sikat? I suggest that you justify Callix's character more even though he's not the main character.
▪ Para sa akin, siya iyong biglang pinasok sa story. Napaka-mysterious niya, which is good since it raised my interest in him. But, he's really vague for me kahit na na-describe ang physical appearance niya. Hanggang chapter 10 lang din naman kasi ang nabasa ko kaya hindi siya naging familiar masyado para sa akin. So I hope you can focus more on his character, especially that he's the main and male lead for Hel (I think).
▪ So let's only focus on the main character since the story revolves around her.
▪ Based on prologue until chapter 10, I haven't seen any character development in her. I mean, parang hindi siya nagbago. Ganoon pa rin siya simula chapter one which is a turn off for me. Kasi may conflict na agad siya first chapter pa lang - which is the puppet and teleportation for me. Hindi man lang ba talaga nagkaroon ng improvement ang character niya? She didn't fought well the problem she has within herself.
▪ Based on prologue 'til chapter ten, for me, the conflict was the puppets controlling her, her dreams, and the teleportations. Ang dami na no'n, iisa lang siya. Kagaya lamang ng sinabi ko, isa-isa lang sa pagbibigay ng mga problema sa karakter para hindi confusing.
▪ For me, medyo unclear at weak pa ang structure ng plot. Hindi kasi siya naipakita sa first to ten chapters ng story (for me). Medyo vague rin kasi siya dahil hindi malaman or juicy ang blurb mo. Kaya I highly suggest that you improve your blurb dahil doon magpopokus ang mga mambabasa kung ano ang plot ng story.
▪ Kitang-kita ko ang originality ng story since ngayon lang talaga ako nakabasa nito. So good job author! Highly recommended lang talaga na mas pagtrabahuhan pa ang structure ng plot para mas naiintindihan.
▪ Like what I've said, ngayon lang ako nakabasa nito, and I really liked the creativity you've put in the story. It's unique in it's own way, and not cliché. Very unpredictable ang mga mangyayari.
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☆ Bakit ganoon na lang kabilis magtiwala si Hel kay Axel?
▪ This is the biggest plothole for me. Wala pang one week nang magkakilala silang dalawa, close na agad. This part is very unconvincing for me and it makes the story's pacing fast. Fantasy nga ang story mo, pero kahit sinong mambabasa yata ay magtataka kung bakit ganoon na lamang kabilis magtiwala si Hel kay Axel. Also, Hel kept saying to herself that she shouldn't trust Axel, and yet she acts like she really trusts him. Isn't that ironic?
▪ Kahit pa sabihing nakikita ni Hel si Axel sa mga panaginip niya, or familiar siya. Hindi man lang ba niya naisip na baka may kamukha lang ni Axel ang lalaking 'yon? Wala man lang ba siyang second thoughts or theories about him?
☆ Is Hel really being controlled by a puppet?
▪ When you say puppet, it means someone's manipulating a certain person. He/she can control his/her actions, and words. But then, why does that not happen in Hel's case? Chapter one mo sinabi na may kumukontrol sa kaniya. Pero bakit sa mga sumunod na kabanata ay parang hindi naman kinokontrol si Hel? Hindi masyadong na-justify para sa akin ang part na 'to. Hindi sapat ang bastang may dalawang boses si Hel (her & puppet).
▪ Siguro kung wala iyong title ng chapter one, hindi talaga magmumukhang may kumokontrol sa kaniya. Kapag puppet kasi, may kumokontrol sa 'yo physically, and mentally. I suggest that you justify this part, because honestly, it doesn't feel and look like Helvitica was being controlled by the puppet.
☆ Bakit hindi naapektuhan ang mental health ni Hel gayong alam niyang may kumokontrol sa kaniya at nagte-teleport siya?
▪ Also one of the biggest plotholes in the story. Malakas ba talaga ang mental health ni Hel para hindi siya magkaroon ng mga anxiety, at fears? Please be realistic somehow. There's no person in this universe that won't have anxieties when he/she knows that someone's controlling him/her, and when a teleportation happens. Hindi naman siguro manhid si Hel 'di ba? So bakit ang lakas naman ng mental health? Napaka-unrealistic noon para sa akin. Siya lang naman ata ang nakakaranas noon, at hindi naman normal 'yon sa kanila 'di ba? Please justify the things that're needed to be in the story.
☆ Why didn't she speak up?
▪ What she's experiencing isn't normal. So why didn't she speak up to her friends, and parents? I also don't think that she can consider Sabrina and Selene as her "best friends" because it wasn't shown in the story. What's the source and use of their friendship if no one opens up? Hindi man lang ba inisip ni Hel na ang mga nararanasan niya ay hindi na normal? Didn't she felt lonely keeping all those things to herself? Is her mental health that high? Kasi kung ako man ang makaranas ng ganoon, alam kong hindi normal 'yon kung kaya't kukonsultahin ko ang mga kaibigan at pamilya ko. Pero kasi si Hel, hindi ganoon. Napaka-unrealistic lang talaga ng character niya kaya maraming plotholes. Sana lang ay ma-improve mo pa ito.
▪ We use "rin, raw, rito, riyan," if the letter before it ends with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) and if it ends with letters w, y, u. Bakit w, y, u hindi naman sila vowel? Dahil kapag nasa dulo sila ng word, nagtutunog vowel sila.
▪ On the contrary, use "din, daw, dito, diyan" if the letter before it ends with consonants, except for the ones mentioned above.
▪ But! We will also use "din, daw, dito, & diyan" if the letter before it ends with "ra, re, ri, ro & ru"
▪ kaya instead of "para rin" it's "para din".
Examples:
- Magand si Selene.
- Mas magand si Helvitica.
- Nasaan ba rito ang Gym?
- Saan ba kasi riyan ang Gym? Gusto ko nang manood ng laro!
- Tigilan mo na kasi ako! Pa naman sa dignidad mo 'yan!
- Nandiyan lang daw 'yong mga lalaki.
- Ang aga-aga pa lang, diyan na agad sila?
▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano, gaano, at kapag inuulit ang kilos.
Example:
- Kumakain nang mabagal si Hel.
- Tumaba nang bahagya si Hel dahil kain siya nang kain.
- Putak nang putak si Sabrina dahil kay Hel.
▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.
Examples:
- Kumain ang magbabarkada ng itlog at hotdog.
- Matalik na kaibigan ni Summer ang pinsan ng Tita niya.
- Mahilig siyang kumain ng french fries ng Mcdo.
>| Incorrect & correct uses of words:
❌ nanunuod, duon, nuon
✔ nanonood, doon, noon
❌ nun, dun,
✔ noon/no'n, doon/do'n
❌ kase, meron,
✔ kasi, mayroon/mayro'n
❌ pake/pakealam
✔ paki/pakialam
❌ palang, nalang
✔ pa lang, na lang
❌ kaonti, onti, onti-onti
✔ kaunti, unti, unti-unti
❌ nandon, sa'yo, sa'kin, sa'min
✔ nandoon/nando'n, sa 'yo, sa 'kin, sa 'min
❌ kesa
✔ kaysa
>| Misspelled Filipino Words and Phrases
1. Kadalasan o palagi ang may u sa pagitan ng k at w.
✅Kuwento, kuweba, kuwaderno, kuwago, engkuwentro
❌Kwento, kweba, kwaderno, kwago, engkwentro
Halimbawa:
a. Si Callix at Axel ay nagkaroon ng engkuwentro; kamao sa kamao.
b. Ang mga mata ni Helvitica ay nagmistulang sa kuwago dahil siya'y kulang sa tulog.
2. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i sa pagitan ng ns at y.
✅Probinsiya, konsensiya, ahensiya, pasensiya, ebidensiya
❌probinsya, konsensya, ahensya, pasensya, ebidensya
Halimbawa:
a. Si Ax ay walang konsensiya kay Callix
.
b. "Huwag mong ubusin ang pasensiya ni Sabrina! Mumurahin ka niyan."
3. ✅Mapagpakumbaba
❌Mapagkumbaba
Halimbawa:
a. Si James ay isang mapagpakumbabang tao.
4. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i bago ang pandiwang nagsisimula sa katinig.
✅itinuturo, itinimbog, itinatampok, ipinagpapalagay
❌tinuturo, tinimbog, tinatampok, pinagpapalagay
a. "Itinuturo mo sa akin ang kasalananang ginawa mo, ganoon ka ba kakapal? " asik ni Summer.
b. "Alam mo ba? Itinatampok daw ni Mareng Sabrina ngayon ang mga kabaliwan ni Selene. "
5.✅alaala, katakataka(halaman)
❌ala-ala, kataka-taka
a. Presko pa sa alaala ni Hel ang kaniyang mga panaginip.
b. Dahil dakilang plantita si Violet, nagtanim siya ng katakataka sa kaniyang bakuran.
6. ❌ano man, nino man, sino man, saan man, kailan man
✔anuman, ninuman, sinuman, saanman, kailan man
a. "Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo kailanman! " puno nang emosyong saad ni Bhie habang lumuluha.
b. Kung sinuman ang tumututol sa kasalang ito ay maari nang lumayas.
7. ✅Natutuhan
❌natutunan
Halimbawa:
a. Hindi pa rin niya tuluyang natutuhan kung paano mahalin ang kaniyang sarili.
8. ✅Komento, konsensiya, koleksiyon, koneksiyon, kompanya
❌kumento, kunsensiya, kuleksiyon, kuneksiyon, kumpanya
9. Parehong "maya-maya" ang isda at pang-abay. Ginagamitan ng malaking titik ang isda kung gagamitin ito sa isang pangungusap, talata o sulatin kasama ng pang-abay na kapangalan nito. Maaari ding gamitan ito ng malaking titik (na siyang karaniwang paraan ng pagsusulat sa mga species ng isda) kahit hindi nito kasama ang pang-abay na maya-maya
✅Maya-maya, Maya-Maya (isda)
❌mayamaya, Mayamaya
a. Paboritong isda ni Lucas ang Maya-maya.
b. Maya-maya't lamang ay lalabas na ang panauhin ni Rosie.
10. Sinu-sino at Anu-ano ang tamang pagbaybay kapag nagtatanong. Sino-sino at Ano-ano naman kapag nagsasalaysay.
✅Sinu-sino ang mga miyembro ng Basketball Team?
❌Sino-sino, Sino sino, Sinu sino
✅Kung sino-sino na ang nakatikim ng kaniyang putahe.
❌Sinu-sino, Sinu sino, sino sino
11. Sino + ang
✅"Sino'ng umubos ng Nutella ko?" tanong ni Summer.
❌Sinong, Sinung
Sino + na = Sinong
✅Walang kahit na sinong traydor ang puwede sa grupong ito!
❌Sinung, Sino'ng
Ano + ang = Ano'ng
Ano + na = Anong
12. ✅Puwede
❌Pwede, Pwide, P'wede, Pupuwede, Pup'wede, Pipwede, Pipuwede
13.Hindi dapat pinaghihiwalay ang mga katinig kapag naglalagay ng gitlapi.
✅Plinano, Grinipo, Trinumpo, Brinaso, Trinato, Trinaydor
❌Pinlano, Ginripo, Tinrumpo, Binraso, Tinrato, Tinraydor
a. Trinaydor ni Jamie si Loki at ang iba lang miyembro ng executive committee
14. Ang unlaping i- at gitlaping -in- aynpalagian o kadalasang magkasama. Walang unlaping ini- sa unahan ng mga katinig.
✅ihinahabilin, ilinilihim, ilinathala, ipinaliwanag, idinulog, iginuhit, iginiit, ikinababagabag
❌inihahabilin, inililihim, inilathala, inipaliwanag, inidulog, inigiit, inikababagabag
a. Isa lamang ang ikinababagabag ni Hel... Iyon ay malaman nila ang kaniyang lihim.
15. Sa pormal na pagsusulat ay walang unlaping nakaka-. Ang unlaping naka- o nakapag- ay kadalasan o palagiang sinusundan ng inuulit na unang pantig ng salita.
✅Nakatutuwa, Nakatatawa, Nakaaangat, nakabibilib, nakahihigit
❌nakakatuwa, nakakatawa, nakakaangat, nakakabilib, nakakahigit
a. "Nakabibilib naman ang naganap na sabong!" wika ni Sten.
16.✅Tingnan, tainga
❌tignan, tenga
a. Piningot ni Axel ang tainga ni Hel.
17. ✅Kaysa, Mayroon
❌Kesa, Keysa, Mayron, Meron, merun, miron, mayro'n
a. Mas mabuti na lamang ang may magalit sa iyo sa sinabi mong katotohanan kaysa mayroon kang tinatagong kasinungalingan.
>| Right use of hyphens in Filipino
▪'Wag paghiwalayin ang mga salita kung nagtatapos ito sa katinig (consonant).
❌ pinag-gagawa, nagta-trabaho, nag hihiwalay
✔ pinaggagawa, nagtatrabaho, naghihiwalay
▪ Paghiwalayin naman ang salita kapag ang kasunod ng "mag, pag, & nag" ay patinig (vowel) lagyan ito ng hyphen (-) sa gitna bilang panghiwalay.
❌ nag aayos, nagayos, magayos, paga-ayos
✔ nag-aayos, nag-ayos, mag-ayos, pag-aayos
>| TAGS (DIALOGUE, AND ACTION)
Dialogue Tags: What Are They and How To Use Them
A. What is a Dialogue Tag?
1. Also often referred to as an attribution, a dialogue tag is a small phrase either before, after, or in between the actual dialogue itself. It is used to inform the readers who's the speaker of the dialogue.
Example:
» "Who ate my banana?" asked Joseph.
The phrase "asked Joseph" is the dialogue tag in the sentence.
***
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8 1631855 American Tycoon
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8 197The Last God (Excerpt)
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8 65My Life As A Superhero Slash Supervillain
James Jude Jamison is experiencing something a bit odd. He was sitting quietly at his computer desk, playing some kind of RPG, he couldn't which one, although the fate of the universe rests on him remembering which (Oh well, it had to end sometime). So, anyway, suddenly, out of nowhere, he got a bit of a headachne, his nose started to bleed, he then proceeded to make a mess in the family room at the computer room. His mom shouted at him, then he died. Then he woke up. He was reborn. Only he had a UI screen suddenly at the edge of his vision. What the hell. He was meant to have some cool powers, like lazers that shot out of his nipples, maybe some mad dancing skills. He would finally be able to speak to girls without laughing in their faces. Sigh. So this is his story, of how he couldn't decide which career prospect appealed to him more. So he decides to give both being a hero and a villain a go. What could go wrong? *** Edit: 2017.06.18 - 03:08 am EST - JJ seems to have buggered off somewhere without telling me where he went. So I am going to have to piece together this story back from the start with the fragments that he gave me. I will leave the original chapters up, but I will be renaming them so they are obvious if new readers don't want to read them. I am currently trying to write chapter one anew. It will feature new reasons of why JJ starts with the villainous lifestyle first, and the reasons of why he is granted the power he was given. If JJ does come back, I will inform you thusly. Then it will be decision of writing from where he left off or telling him to go choke on his own c**k. If I do decide to take the story up, then it will be a decision of to split the stories in two, and if to keep my version alive and concurrent. Thanks.
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