《critique shop》B1 | 06
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My feedbacks mean no offense to the story and author. These are all solely intended for the betterment of your work. If you have any concerns regarding this critique, feel free to message me privately. Everything stated here are all based from my perspectives.
This contains spoilers, beware.
Errors and typos are expected.
SoleilSurvoler
▪ By what you meant on your title 'Captured by the Deal' and based on my reaserch, captured means nahuli. So ang ibig sabihin ba noon nahuli siya ng deal? I tried to translate it in Google, and similar lang siya sa pagkakaintindi ko. I get it that the story revolves around November's family and herself about the deal. But still, the title seems really off to the story.
▪ Ang deal kasi ay hindi naman tao, so mali ang word na "Captured" para dito dahil ang word na captured ay for living things such as humans and animals only.
▪ I suggest you come up with another fitting title for this story so it can be more accurate to it's plot. Actually, me and my friends have come up of titles, but still, it's up to you if you'll use it.
▪ It can be "Dealing with Love" since relationship ang pinag-uusapan sa deal. "The Deal" if you want to use something simple, yet intriguing.
▪ The cover was okay, and the fonts were also readable. It was simplified by the editor because the objects used were only silhouettes.
▪ The only thing is, hindi napanindigan sa cover ang pagkatao ni November bilang isang tomboy. It literally looked like a normal girl, not boyish at all. Thus, hindi masyadong intriguing para sa 'kin. At saka mas okay siguro kung ang "Celestrans Series" ay nasa itaas imbes na nasa ibaba, at dapat ilagay rin sa pabalat kung pang-ilang series na 'yon kahit na mayro'n na sa title. Also, hindi ko gaanonh nadama sa cover ang pagka-teen fiction nito
▪ Changing the cover would be nice, and commendable for it to have relevance to the characters and the story itself.
▪ The description was well-delievered, it was complete enough to catch one's attention.
*sorry for the incorrect names if ever there is.*
▪ As the protagonist, importante talaga na maipakilala sila, at nakita ko naman na hindi ka nagkulang sa pagpapakilala kay Nov. Para sa akin, siya iyong typical tomboy na Papa's girl, magaling sa mga mekaniko, at maano sa mga chiks. Maayos ang pagkaka-describe sa kaniya, except for her facial expressions and appearance kaya may mga ibang scenarios akong hindi masyadong na-imagine dahil kulang sa physical appearance niya.
▪ Pinag-isa ko na sila since kaibigan naman sila ni Nov. Para sa akin, parang bigla mo lang silang pinasok sa eksena ng basketball. Medyo nalito rin ako sa part na tinatawag nilang "Tanda" si Ashmael, akala ko may iba pa silang kaibigan, tapos 'yon pala si Ashmael lang 'yon. Siguro, bigyan mo kami ng background sa pamamagitan ng pov ni Nov kung bakit Tanda ang tawag nila kay Ashmael, para hindi mag-cause ng confusion sa ibang mga mambabasa.
▪ Okay naman si Shan, at first akala ko lalaki siya, pero tomboy rin pala gaya ni Nov. Gaya ng sabi ko, parang biglang sulpot lang siya sa eksena. I suggest you give us a short summary about Shan since she and Nov are best friends. A short summary of how did Shan became lesbian, and since when so we could justify the part where you said (using Nov's pov) that she's a lesbian like Nov. Kagaya noong ginawa mong short summary kay Nov na kung paano niya natuklasang isa pala siyang tomboy.
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▪ Si Don, honestly kinikilig ako sa kaniya hahaha. Malakas impact ng mga actions niya sa akin, kaya good job doon. Sa unang encounter ko sa kaniya, napansin kong may something siya towards Nov, which turns out to be true. Sana lang ay na-describe ang physical appearance niya para mas lumakas 'yong impact sa 'ming mga readers.
▪ Though I could say that 50% vague, and 50% vivid. Dahil may iba't iba silang personalities, hindi iyong parang iisa lang. Just work on describing them more, and justifying the things that may cause confusion to readers.
▪ Medyo vague lang, kaunti (for me) lang kasi 'yong parts na pinapakita sila. Lalo na ang Mama niya, tuwing kainan lang sila nagkakasalamuha ni Nov. Alam ko naman na hindi sila close, pero para sa akin lang, dapat mas ipakilala pa ng higit ang Mama niya. I mean, porque tomboy ba si Nov, e hindi na sila close? Parang sobrang babaw no'n para sa 'kin.
▪ Sa mga kapatid niya, sila ang pinaka-vague sa lahat ng characters. Yes, we need to focus on the main characters, but on the contrary, we also have to focus on the other characters para hindi vague ang kalabasan. And sa dami ba naman nila, I can't remember on who's who.
▪ So, ayon nga, parang biglang sulpot lang din sa eksena silang dalawa. Also, hindi na-justify kung bakit ganoon anh galit si Nov sa kanilang dalawa. I mean, yes their rude, but is that all? 'Yon lang ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit galit si Nov? Kasi kung 'yon lang, ang babaw para sa akin.
▪ One more thing I got really confused was Bert and Kiro are one same person. All along I thought they were different persons, not until chapter 5 kung saan sinabi ni Trin ang pangalan ni Kiro na si Bert pala ang sinasabihan.
▪ Siguro sa overall ng characterization mo, ay improve your descriptions and personalities of each characters, and justify the things that're needed to be.
Okay naman siya, though nasa kalagitnaan pa lang ng plot, nandoon na 'yong deal at 'yong mga gagawin ni November para magkaroon ng Girlfriend.
▪ Hindi ko masyadong nakitaan ng originality ang story since may mga nabasa at napanood na rin ako na same plot as yours. Kung saan tomboy ang isang babae, pero kailangan niyang patunayan ang sexuality niya para tantanan na siya ng mga magulang o pamilya niya. But since I've only read until chapter 6, hindi ko pa sure or alam kung may plot twist ba ito sa dulo na makakapagbigay ng originality, and uniqueness sa story.
Do researches first before putting it in the story. Gaya na lamang nito:
▪ Magjo-jogging sila, right? So bakit sila kakain? Hindi ba dapat hindi muna sila kumain dahil magjo-jogging sila? Eating before jogging could lead to stomach ache. Kahit na pandesal at kape lang ang kinain nila (based from a person's experience)
Bakit ganoon na lang kadaling pumayag si November sa Deal?
▪ It was stated in the chapter that they were forcing her to be straight a long time ago. So she's supposed to be immuned to that somehow right? Aminin man natin o hindi, nakakasawa ang mga bagay na paulit-ulit hanggang sa magung immune na tayo rito o wala nang pakialam. But in November's case, it wasn't. Ganoon na lang ba talaga siya papayag? Because of her annoyance? Isn't that quite unreasonable? Kung pinapahalagahan niya talaga ang sexuality niya, hindi dapat siya bibigay sa mga bagay na ganito.
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What do you mean by "Mahabang P" ?
▪ I honestly don't know if is this an error, or is it meant to be that way. Ano nga ba ang ibig mong sabihin sa "tibong may mahabang P" ? I tried some survey, and research about this. I asked one of my friends that's a lesbian, and she doesn't know what does that mean. So, kindly enlighten us, please.
▪ We use "rin, raw, rito & riyan" if the letter before it is a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) and if it's "w, y, & u". Bakit kasama ang "w, y, u" e consonant naman sila? Dahil kapag binasa mo sila, katunog din nila ang mga vowels. While "din, daw, dito, & diyan" if the letter before it ends in a consonant, except the ones mentioned above.
▪ But! We will also use "din, daw, dito, & diyan" if the letter before it ends with "ra, re, ri, ro & ru"
▪ kaya instead of "para rin" it's "para din".
Examples:
- Tomboy rin si Shan.
- Tomboy raw si Shan.
- Nasaan ba rito ang hotdog?
- Saan ba kasi riyan ang hotdog? Nagugutom na ako!
- Bakit ba ayaw mong magpa-straight? Para din naman kasi 'yan sa 'yo!
- Nandiyan lang daw 'yong hotdog.
- Ang aga-aga pa lang, diyan ka ma agad?
▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na , at kapag inuulit ang kilos.
Example:
- Kumakain mabagal si November.
- Tumaba bahagya si November dahil kain siya kain.
- Putak putak si Tanda dahil kay November.
▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.
Examples:
- Kumain ang magbabarkada itlog at hotdog.
- Matalik na kaibigan ni Summer ang pinsan Tita niya.
- Mahilig siyang kumain french fries Mcdo.
▪ incorrect & correct use of words:
note: ihiwalay ang mga salita.
❌ saakin, sakanya, sakanila
✔ sa akin, sa kaniya, sa kanila
note: search / know the right use of apostrophes. Ilalagay ang apostrophe kung saan ito magsa-substitute.
❌ ni'yo, sa' min, sa' yo
✔ niyo, sa 'min, sa 'yo
note: paghiwalayin ang mga affix, at suffix sa isang English word.
❌ nabadtrip, badtripin, napicturan
✔ na-badtrip, badtrip-in, na-picture-an
note: 'wag lagyan ng hyphen (-) ang mga salita kung ang kasunod naman nito ay isang consonant. Inihihiwalay lamang ito kapag ang kasunod nito ay vowel.
❌ nagta-trabaho, pinagga-gawa, mag-trabaho
✔nagtatrabaho, pinaggagawa, magtrabaho.
▪ Capitalize the names, dates, and places.
❌ mama, papa, ate, plaza
✔ Mama, Papa, Ate Oct, Plaza
▪ As much as possible, avoid using the word "pulchritudinous" if you know that it doesn't fit the tone of the specific chapter. Because pulchritudinous means something that's beautiful, physically. Thus, it turns me off sometimes you mostly use Filipino rather than English.
▪ If possible, translate the short numbers into words.
❌ 90, 100
✔ ninety, one hundred.
▪ always put a hyphen in repeating words.
❌ araw araw, lagi lagi
✔ araw-araw, lagi-lagi
▪ Misspelled Filipino Words and Phrases:
> Kadalasan o palagi ang may u sa pagitan ng k at w.
✅Kuwento, kuweba, kuwaderno, kuwago, engkuwentro
❌Kwento, kweba, kwaderno, kwago, engkwentro
Halimbawa:
- Si Don ay may kuwento kay Tanda.
- Ang mga mata ni November ay nagmistulang sa kuwago dahil siya'y kulang sa tulog.
> Kadalasan o palagi ang may i sa pagitan ng ns at y.
✅Probinsiya, konsensiya, ahensiya, pasensiya, ebidensiya
❌probinsya, konsensya, ahensya, pasensya, ebidensya
Halimbawa:
- Si Kiro ay may hawak na ebidensiya laban kay November.
- "Huwag mong ubusin ang pasensiya ni November! Mumurahin ka niyan."
> ✅Mapagpakumbaba
❌Mapagkumbaba
Halimbawa:
- Si Ate October ay isang mapagpakumbabang tao.
> Kadalasan o palagi ang may i bago ang pandiwang nagsisimula sa katinig.
✅itinuturo, itinimbog, itinatampok, ipinagpapalagay
❌tinuturo, tinimbog, tinatampok, pinagpapalagay
- "Itinuturo mo sa akin ang kasalananang ginawa mo, ganoon ka ba kakapal? " asik ni Summer.
- "Alam mo ba? Itinatampok daw ngayon nina Bhie ang TBS."
> ✅alaala, katakataka (halaman)
❌ala-ala, kataka-taka
- Presko pa sa alaala ni November ang ginawa niyang pakikipagsagutan kay Ashmael.
- Dahil dakilang plantita ang magulang ni Don, nagtanim sila ng katakataka sa kanilang bakuran.
> ❌ano man, nino man, sino man, saan man, kailanman
✔anuman, ninuman, sinuman, saanman, kailanman
- "Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo kailanman!" puno nang emosyong saad ni Lucas habang lumuluha.
- Kung sinuman ang tumututol sa kasalang ito ay maari nang lumayas.
> ✅Natutuhan
❌natutunan
Halimbawa:
- Hindi pa rin niya tuluyang natutuhan kung paano mahalin ang kaniyang sarili.
> ✅Komento, konsensiya, koleksiyon, koneksiyon, kompanya
❌kumento, kunsensiya, kuleksiyon, kuneksiyon, kumpanya
> Parehong "maya-maya" ang isda at pang-abay. Ginagamitan ng malaking titik ang isda kung gagamitin ito sa isang pangungusap, talata o sulatin kasama ng pang-abay na kapangalan nito. Maaari ding gamitan ito ng malaking titik (na siyang karaniwang paraan ng pagsusulat sa mga species ng isda) kahit hindi nito kasama ang pang-abay na maya-maya.
✅Maya-maya, Maya-Maya (isda)
❌mayamaya, Mayamaya
- Paboritong isda ni July ang Maya-maya.
- Maya-maya't lamang ay magkakasundo rin sila.
> Sinu-sino at Anu-ano ang tamang pagbaybay kapag nagtatanong. Sino-sino at Ano-ano naman kapag nagsasalaysay.
✅Sinu-sino ang mga miyembro ng Pinakamamahal na Grupo?
❌Sino-sino, Sino sino, Sinu sino
✅Kung sino-sino na ang nakatikim ng kaniyang putahe.
❌Sinu-sino, Sinu sino, sino sino
> Sino + ang
✅"Sino'ng umubos ng hotdog ko?" tanong ni November.
❌Sinong, Sinung
Sino + na = Sinong
✅Walang kahit na sinong traydor ang puwede sa grupong ito!
❌Sinung, Sino'ng
Ano + ang = Ano'ng
Ano + na = Anong
> ✅Puwede
❌Pwede, Pwide, P'wede, Pupuwede, Pup'wede, Pipwede, Pipuwede
> Hindi dapat pinaghihiwalay ang mga katinig kapag naglalagay ng gitlapi.
✅Plinano, Grinipo, Trinumpo, Brinaso, Trinato, Trinaydor
❌Pinlano, Ginripo, Tinrumpo, Binraso, Tinrato, Tinraydor
- Trinaydor ni Jhonny sina Sena.
> Ang unlaping i- at gitlaping -in- aynpalagian o kadalasang magkasama. Walang unlaping ini- sa unahan ng mga katinig.
✅ihinahabilin, ilinilihim, ilinathala, ipinaliwanag, idinulog, iginuhit, iginiit, ikinababagabag
❌inihahabilin, inililihim, inilathala, inipaliwanag, inidulog, inigiit, inikababagabag
Hal:
- Isa lamang ang ikinababagabag ni Shan.
> Sa pormal na pagsusulat ay walang unlaping nakaka-. Ag unlaping naka- o nakapag- ay kadalasan o palagiang sinusundan ng inuulit na unang pantig ng salita.
✅Nakatutuwa, Nakatatawa, Nakaaangat, nakabibilib, nakahihigit
❌nakakatuwa, nakakatawa, nakakaangat, nakakabilib, nakakahigit
- "Nakabibilib naman ang naganap na away!" wika ni Shan.
> ✅Tingnan, tainga
❌tignan, tenga
- Piningot ni Don ang tainga ni Ashmael.
> ✅Kaysa, Mayroon
❌Kesa, Keysa, Mayron, Meron, merun, miron, mayro'n
Hal:
- Mas mabuti na lamang ang may magalit sa iyo sa sinabi mong katotohanan kaysa mayroon kang tinatagong kasinungalingan.
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