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Daud's lips were moving on hers insistently. She was slowly falling into this familiar spiral of passions that he was weaving. His hands roving over her back. Her eyes fluttered and slowly it dawned,

What am I doing?

Her hands on his shoulder slid lower to his chest and she pushed him away from her before his fingers had released the buttons of her heavy woollen jacket from its moorings. She blinked several times and drew back increasing the distance between them, plastering herself against the cold window pane of the car. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She was shocked what had led to this? Shaking her head, her jaw clenched, she looked deathly into Daud's hooded gaze, "This is wrong. How could you?" she hissed.

His lips spread in a sly smirked, "Don't tell me you didn't enjoy. You were kissing me back."

Her frown increased and there was a distasteful taste in her mouth. She was shaken by his attitude, "You are being very crude." She spun around in the seat and clutched door handle, "I can't stay here anymore."

His hand gripped her elbow to still her but she nudged him hard nearly jabbing his chest that he let go. Picking up her paper shopping bags in the car, she scurried out of the car and ran off to her own vehicle without a backward glance. Before opening the door, she hastily rotated around to make sure no one had seen what had happened just a few moments ago. Relieved, not to recognize anyone in sight, she sloppily dropped the bags on the passenger seat of the car and slumped in the driving seat.

What had she done?

How could she let him?

His reaction repulsed her so much, her stomach churned in revulsion. She was sweating terribly under her jacket. With shaking hands, she unfastened the buttons and took a deep breath. Taking out a pocket tissue out of her handbag, she wiped her perspiring forehead and cleaned off the remnants of her lipstick. She grasped the steering wheel and focused on slowing her turbulent heartbeat.

An image of Salman came in front of her. She took a deep breath, nothing happened. It was nothing. It meant nothing to her. She would never meet Daud alone anymore. She was treading on dangerous grounds and she didn't want to risk her harmonious life to this recklessness.

With this in mind, she flicked the car key in the ignition and her gaze lingered on the paper bag that contained the wallet. She will give Salman the gift tonight. She was not going to ponder over what happened rather she had to focus on her present relationship.

A firm resolution, she squared her shoulders and drove off to the exit of the car park.

****

There was still time for Salman to come back from work as soon as she reached home, she discarded her jacket and hijab on the bed carelessly and rushed to the kitchen. She was going to make a wonderful meal for him.

She got down cooking remembering how much he liked her lasagne and chocolate cake. She was shuffling through the ingredients in the fridge and gathered everything she needed. The pots were simmering with sauces and minced meat. The mixing bowl was being added with eggs, sugar, flour and cocoa powder.

Time passed, flour smeared her forehead, tomato pasta sauce on her left cheek but she relentlessly cooked the meal she had planned. She was in midst of setting the cake batter in the oven when Seema sauntered in the kitchen. A graceful smile dawning on her lips, "My beti is busy cooking today?"

Nawal nodded as she placed the cake tin on top of the preheated oven rack. She then rummaged through the fridge for the salad ingredients to prepare a quick Greek salad.

"What's the occasion?" Seema enquired.

Nawal shook her head and took out iceberg lettuce, cherry tomatoes and cucumbers from the fridge. Juggling the ingredients in her arms, she mumbled, "Nothing." Kicking lightly the fridge door closed, she dumped the ingredients on the kitchen counter.

Puzzled, Seema noticed Nawal didn't meet her eyes with her. Understanding that Nawal was occupied with cooking Seema quietly left the kitchen, letting her daughter in law resume her cooking without any interruptions.

As soon as Seema stepped out of the kitchen, Nawal sagged against the counter and exhaled heavily. She really didn't want to face anyone right now. Her mind was reeling to what happened this afternoon and she kept reassuring herself it was nothing. A meaningless encounter. Pushing distressful thoughts aside, she went back to chopping the vegetables for the salad.

****

Salman reached home right on time when dinner was ready and Nawal was taking a quick shower so that she didn't stink of all the onion, garlic and tomatoes that she had been chopping and cooking. The hot pink towel wrapped around her head in a turban, she emerged from the bathroom when her eyes landed on her husband who was peeling off his overcoat from his broad shoulders.

"Assalam alaikum," she said softly, her eyes downcast.

Grinning, he turned around, loosening his tie, "Walaikum salaam. How are you? How was your day?" he asked in a delightful voice.

Ambling to the dresses, standing in front of the mirror, she loosened the towel from her wet hair and whispered, "It was good."

"Did you get any shopping done?" he walked up to her and placed his hands on her shoulders, his nose nuzzling in her hair. He could sense the waft of the floral shampoo she used. His eyes searched hers in the mirror. She wasn't able to look up in the mirror. Her gaze lowered, she nodded.

He squeezed her shoulders, "Are you tired? You sound down." His forehead creased.

She felt bad but her lips sealed to utter the real reason for her distress. She lightly shrugged off his hands from her shoulders and then stepped away. It was better to give him what she got him now. It would not only make him happy but also appease her. Lifting the paper bag that was resting on the floor beside the dresser, she bashfully handed it to him, "I got you something." Her eyes still not meeting his.

He stood frozen and stared at her face, "For me?"

She nodded warily, eyelids obscuring to reveal the emotions in her eyes. Taking hold of the bag from her, he took out the content from the bag. A leather branded wallet was in his hands. Slowly his lips stretched in a smile. This was a pleasant surprise. He had no idea that she thought of him while shopping and purchasing such a thoughtful gift.

"It's great." he said hoarsely.

"Ya I thought you can use it all the time." she said in a hushed tone.

"I will." His arms encircled his arms around her waist, his hands splaying on her lower back and he pulled her to him. His lips lingering on her cheek, "Thank you. But did you get something for yourself."

She had slightly stiffened in his arms. Regret was etching in her mind marring the happiness of this moment. "Yes I did."

Another embrace with another man was still strong in her mind. She shouldn't have let him kiss her. Now that it was done she couldn't stop having muddled feelings. She was tormented between the two men. Each willing to give her happiness but she had to choose the right from wrong. Swallowing hard the emotions that clogged her throat, she finally raised her eyes to his, "It's dinner time. I am hungry."

For many seconds, he stared at her face as she detangled herself from him. She walked away leaving him in the silent room. But her deep eyes disturbed him.

What was she hiding?

His hold on the wallet tightened and he decided he was thinking too much. She was probably tired.

But many times, the first instincts are the right ones...

****

Late night, she was laying on her side of the bed staring blankly at the wall and the curtained window. Salman shifted in bed and scooted closer to her. His fingers softly trailing up and down the sleeved arm of her fleece pajamas.

"I enjoyed the dinner. What was the special occasion?" his breath tickling her nape and raising the hair on the back of her neck.

She closed her eyes and again a pang of guilt slithered through her chest, "It was the end of the semester so I was in a happy mood."

His fingers interlaced with hers, "I think the shopping trip did you good. If that is the case, you should go to shopping regularly."

She shut her eyes the regret turning into sweet pain. Why was he being so nice? It would not have hurt her if he had been harsh as in the past. She couldn't endure this selfless behaviour of his. It was escalating her guilt.

"Let's sleep." she mumbled sleepily and yawned to indicate how tired she was.

Kissing her neck, he murmured, "Yes you have been a busy girl today."

She bit her lower lip, don't mention being busy, her mind screamed.

She would work harder. She would make up to him.

These were the lingering thoughts before finally sleep took over. But she was very disturbed even in slumber.

A demon was after her. Ready to attack her and on its way ruining her for a very long time.

****

He was lightly snoring, when she rose after fighting off nightmares. She was sweating again even on this sub-zero temperature night. She kicked the heavy duvet away from her clammy body. Her pajama top was stuck to her body. She hastily sat up, pulling back her hair and lightly tugged at them. Sleep was out of the question now. Her heart was in a turmoil. The myriad of emotions she had been feeling all day was transformed into dangerous nightmares that now she was frightened to close her eyes.

It was wrong. Terribly wrong. How could she let another man touch her? When did Daud come so close? All she had asked for was friendship. She was well aware nothing else was possible and besides she believed in being faithful to her husband.

How could she defend herself?

His vicious words jabbing into her chest like spears. Kissing him back was on an instinct a memory of a long time embrace. Her body had reacted on its own. Her mind had been numb to fathom what was happening. She wasn't fast to take the appropriate action and because of which he mocked her.

Or maybe she was wrong. She had succumbed to her weakness. He had a good idea how easily she melted at his embrace. It was a sin. Yes indeed a sin. What had she been thinking to go and meet him in the car? Standing up on shaky legs, she went to the bathroom and performed her ablution (wudu). There was still ample time before the predawn prayers. But right now only seeking forgiveness was on her mind.

In the quietness and darkness of the night, she stood in front of her Lord when all slept and she shamefully bowed her head as she prayed. When she completed her two rakah prayer, her hands lifted and with it for the first time tears poured down. She was ashamed. Truly ashamed. She kept repeating only three words over and over.

'Please forgive me'

Allah knows one's deepest secret and He also knows the sins we have indulged in. But most of all, He is well-aware what is in the heart. And here the heart of a believer bled as she cried over a sin she committed and regretted it.

Her heart was content and tranquil when her tears were devoid of any tears and her lips chapped unable to whisper her silent supplications. But her soul was in peace.

He was indeed the Most Merciful.

****

The next morning, she woke up with one determination. She was going to be the perfect wife for him. He was taking a shower when she took out his clothes for the day and laid them on the bed then hurried downstairs to prepare a healthy breakfast for him.

She was in the kitchen extracting fresh orange juice for him when he came and stand behind her. "Wow you have been up early today. Thanks for my clothes." He smirked, squeezing her arm affectionately.

She smiled weakly and softly said, "Sit down your food is ready." She lightly pushed him to the direction of the table.

He nodded, sitting down he patiently waited for his food as she displayed a wide selection of breakfast in front of him. She was feeling queasy and desired to leave the kitchen away from all the food smell when Salman clutched her wrist, "Don't go. Eat with me, I won't be able to finish all this." he pointed at the food with his fork.

She swallowed the bile that was rising in her throat, "I ... I .... Will be back."

Covering her mouth with a palm, she rushed to the downstairs toilet and emptied her stomach in the toilet seat. When she was able to gather some strength she straightened and then washed her mouth with cold water. Gazing at herself in the mirror, she pondered,

What was going on?

Was her stress making her physically ill now?

Washing her face, she kept reassuring herself, I am fine. Very fine. I am thinking too much that's all.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and nearly collided with Seema who was standing at the other side of the door.

She scanned Nawal's face for any signs of sickness, then her eyes softened, "I heard you puking. Is everything alright?"

Nawal nodded, "Jee khala. I don't know but the smell of fried eggs just made me feel awful."

Seema's lips twitched slightly, "I have a fair idea what's wrong. Did you –"

"Nawal" Salman called.

Distractedly, Nawal walked towards the voice, "One-minute khala. He must be leaving, let me just bid him farewell."

She rushed to the main door where Salman was standing wearing his sunglasses and his black overcoat on this sunny winter morning. "I am leaving. Take care and get your beauty sleep. You were awake quite early today," he smirked.

His light humour didn't bring a smile on her lips as it always did. Instead, she nodded, "Have a great day."

Chastely kissing her lips, he left for work.

She stood there gazing at the car that was manoeuvring out of the front yard, regret was mounting. What happened yesterday afternoon had to be buried as a terrible mistake and a secret within her.

She will never let him know.

It was a mistake. That's all it was.

****

For the next few days, Nawal looked into every small need of her husband. She was resolute to please him in every possible way and becoming the ideal wife. It was as if she was atoning for her sins. However, there was one big change that Salman had noted in his wife. She had become her quiet self again. The girl that was finally coming out of her shell with smiles and laughter had been replaced by a subdued and thoughtful girl. Salman wasn't able to pinpoint what had changed her attitude again. He was at a loss in words to ask her as well.

Nawal had a fair idea what was wrong. She had been feeling bad for the last few days and working hard to satisfy to her husband's expectations. Although, there wasn't even a word of objection from him instead he praised her every little effort he discerned. This was why when she called Salman to ask whether she could go with Manal to the movie there was no hesitation at all.

"Of course. Enjoy yourselves," he said over the phone.

Manal was hurrying in wearing her boots and she sarcastically commented, "Now that you have taken permission from his Royal Highness, can we go? The movie will start soon."

"Just give me few minutes I need to pray Asr (late afternoon prayer) and then I am free to go." Nawal replied tightening the hijab over her head.

Manal nonchalantly shrugged, "I am not praying so I will wait for you in the living room."

Nawal was stepping back in her room when a realization hit her.

She had missed her periods this month. Her eyes rounded when she confirmed it on her mobile phone application of period date reminder. It had been more than 10 days since her last missed period date. Her mind was racing fast, why she didn't even remember this.

She swallowed hard, did this mean what she was thinking.

Her heart was speeding up and her hands sweaty. She had to find out soon!

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