Standing in front of the mirror, Nawal smiled as she slid the watch on her wrist and then started to pin up her hijab. The first class of the semester was to start in two hours but she wanted to go early and just feel the freedom of being at university again. How much had changed during these summer holidays? But right now she didn't want to think of gloomy thoughts. Rather, she had called Lisa and asked her to come early. Applying a tad bit of her light pink lip gloss, she gazed at herself one last time, dressed in dark blue jeans and red with the blue check long top that reached her mid thighs, she was all set to go. When she whirled around Salman was stepping out of the bathroom clad in his bathrobe.

"Excited?" he said after scanning her appearance.

"Ya," she really didn't want him to say anything that would ruin her mood.

"I will just prepare your breakfast and leave it at the table ok?"

His forehead creased, "Why? Are you leaving this early?"

She nodded as taking hold of her brown handbag, "Ya I should be back late in the afternoon."

She was hastily leaving the room when his words halted her, "I will drop you."

She shook her head slowly, "No it's out of the way for you. I will go."

"No I will" he persisted and then continued while he took out his clothes from the wardrobe, "I was thinking I will be picking and dropping you to classes. Why don't you give me your schedule?"

Her heart speeded, why was he doing this to her? "Your work is at the other end of the city. I will take the bus as I always have."

Salman stared at her for many minutes. He didn't trust her at all. But at least he will know her whereabouts even if he is not picking or dropping her. Thanks to the discreet tracking app he had installed on her new phone. He reluctantly agreed, "Fine but at least for your first day let me drop you."

She sighed in relief, "Hurry up then I will get our breakfast ready."

She rushed to the kitchen to fix a quick breakfast. Her heartbeat quickening with anticipation. Not once since she was married, did she go out alone. Salman never allowed her. Even to her brothers place she had been only once in the last nearly three months. Now she felt like a bird who was finally being released from her cage.

Time flew by fast and Salman drove her at the entrance of UCD, the familiar campus bringing back memories of her single life. With just a few words, how life changes completely. But now going to classes, she would find the solace and would again enjoy life as she wished. Her university life was her own. No interference of his in it. She can be herself with her friends.

"Thanks for dropping me. I will call you when I reach home, okay?" Nawal breathlessly said as her hand gripped the handle of the car door.

"Have a great day. Just one thing Nawal." Salman said in his authoritative voice.

Hesitantly, she turned around, "Yeah?"

"Now you are a married woman. I wouldn't like if you are making friends with guys."

Rage rushed through her blood but the weeks of practice of keeping her mouth tightly sealed helped her maintain her composure. Holding his gaze, she said with sincerity, "Remember one thing, if there is no trust in a relationship, it will never succeed."

With that she left not even giving him a backward glance.

Flabbergasted, he froze in front of the steering wheel watching her step further away. Trust she says, but had she left any room for him to build this trust. No matter how hard he tried he wasn't able to get rid of the images of her snuggled in Daud's arms from his mind.

He just hoped there will be a day that he would believe and trust her.

But trust had to be earned.

****

The familiar halls, grounds, doors and windows graced a cheerful smile on Nawal's face. How she had longed to have her freedom? She was never a keen student in the past but all was to change now. She was going to work hard and achieve higher academically. Perhaps, in books she would find the solace she was searching.

A friendly face further brightened up Nawal's mood as she scurried to Lisa.

"Hey, long time," Nawal exclaimed.

Lisa beamed, "It sure has. What's the story?"

"Same nothing new. It is so good to be back."

Lisa raised one finely defined dark blond eyebrow, "Really? Since when were you into studies?"

Nawal shrugged nonchalantly, "I guess I had a change of heart and mind."

"Hey? You changed your number? I was trying to call you yesterday but it was switched off the whole time."

Nawal nodded, "I forgot to text you. Yes I have. I will do it now."

Lisa quietly studied Nawal for a few minutes then voiced her opinion, "Are you not happy in your married life?"

Surprised, Nawal looked at Lisa, "What do you mean?"

"You have lost weight and why are there such dark circles around your eyes?"

Averting her friend's gaze, Nawal had no response. But she was saved by Aoife who walked in and grumpily met them.

"I hate early morning classes." She mumbled.

Lisa laughed and nudged Aoife, "This is just the first day of the semester."

"That's why I am dreading how will I cope the next three months." Aoife groaned in sheer agony.

Nawal tuned out as she thought of how she was looking forward to spend these three months away from home.

Little did she know these three months will lead to her devastation.

Leaving her alone, abandoned and hopeless.

****

It had been a week since Nawal's semester had commenced and every evening before leaving from work, Salman would scan through Nawal's where about through the application he had installed on her phone. He would also review her texts and calls. But there was nothing out of ordinary. In fact, all Nawal did, was go to university, attend her classes, go to the library or a café with her friends and come back home. Even her calls had nothing to be suspicious about. Her friends regularly texted her and there were only calls from her family.

He had a niggling feeling that he was doubting her for no reason. Sighing, he switched off his laptop, perhaps, there was nothing to worry about. Well, he would continue to monitor the tracker, her calls and text less frequently from now on.

But across the city another man sat in frustration in his office, his hands running through his hair in annoyance. Why the hell she changed her number? How the fuck will he communicate with her? He was shocked to see how easily she disregarded him. It infuriated him that how easily she had dismissed their relationship in a span of few months. How could she forget their late night talks? Their stolen passionate moments and most of all their laughter together.

Pressing a cigarette between his lips, he lighted it with a glimmering lighter, inhaling the first puff of smoke, he resolved.

I will find a way to get you, Nawal.

No matter how many barriers there are between us.

I will reach you.

You may run away from me but you can't hide.

****

Weeks passed, Nawal was busy in her studies. Many times, spending late evenings working on assignments or completing her readings for the next class in the library. A task she had never bothered to do earlier. But now she was vigorously working hard to prove herself. But most of all, she wanted to shut Salman's mouth of degrading her. There were numerous times when he had degraded her intellect in front of his family and it was unnerving her. She never replied but she was determined to show him she wasn't some dumb girl as he thought of her.

"What have you decided to wear to Amal's wedding?" Seema asked Nawal while they were in Manal's room helping her sort out her wardrobe.

"I don't know Khala. What do you have to say?" Nawal murmured as she folded Manal's blue jeans.

"I was thinking your pastel green dress with pink dupatta. You haven't worn that yet." Seema said after contemplating for few minutes.

Nawal eyebrows drew together, "But khala that is really fancy dress."

"You are still a bride my dear." Seema smiled gently as she took a sip of her tea sitting on Manal's bed watching her daughter and daughter in law working together.

"Ammi, I don't know if I will be able to make it to Amal's wedding. I am working on market research for the bank and the next day after the wedding I have to submit the results." Manal explained exasperatedly, hanging an array of dresses in the wardrobe.

"What is the market research on?" Nawal asked as she was intrigued since she had market research course this semester.

"It's on consumer behaviour." Manal murmured placing the hijabs on the shelf in the wardrobe.

"Oh really, and what method are you using it? I presume it is a large sample right?"

Before Manal could reply, Salman interjected, "Manal spare Nawal the details. She won't be able to understand."

Nawal grimaced, "What do you mean?"

"To understand market research you need some intellect which you clearly lack. Your mind is only in dresses and those silly comedy sitcoms you watch."

Nawal clutched the shirt tightly the shirt was folding. Her gaze dropped so no one could see how much mortified she was. How could he embarrass her this way in front of others? And it wasn't the first time he had done so. She had lost count of the number of times he had sneered that she was stupid or lacking in any of intellect. It hurt her deeply.

She had come to only one conclusion – her husband had never accepted her for who she was. But another man had accepted her and praised her day and night. Whether, it was about her beauty or intelligence. With days, his memories were slowly fading away as she had a multitude of problems to focus on. But in moments like this, his sweet memories would rush back, leaving a hole where her heart was.

No man would be able to fil the void in her heart. She believed, she would remain empty for the years to come.

But beliefs were to change with time.

****

The extreme height of Salman's mocking was experienced on Amal's wedding. She had never thought her husband would stoop so low that he would easily make fun of his wife in front of the whole world.

It was a simple event where the wedding was held at the hall in the Clonskeagh Mosque grounds. The hall segregated the men and women in the hall, wooden dividers were set up in the middle of the hall. There were humble décor of balloons, paper garlands hanging on the walls and party fabric buntings made at home by Sana and Ramlah. It was all of the theme of the bride's dress of light pink. Amal was dressed in a light pink lahenga that had silver and white coloured thread embroidery with pearls and Swarovski diamonds. The menu was brief with chicken biryani and kebabs and baklava with tea.

The wedding had been fun where Nawal got to meet all her friends. She could easily discern that the poor bride was nervous. Nawal smiled supportively when she was sitting beside Amal, "You don't need to worry about anything. May Allah bless you with happiness in your marriage. Ameen."

"Ameen" Amal mumbled glancing at her henna adorned hands on her lap.

Just then a light brown haired woman with a toddler in her arms rushed to Amal, "Sorry I am late. I just got off work and I rushed." Guilt was stricken on her lovely features.

Amal lips curled in displeasure, "It is about time you come. I had been waiting for you so long."

The woman pouted, "I am so sorry."

Amal sighed, "I forgive you, Susan. I can't stay unhappy long with you. And how is my baby Yousef?" Her eyes diverted to the toddler he was eyeing her shyly.

Susan chuckled, "he is surprised to see his Aunty Amal like this." pointing at her dress and jewellery.

For the first time that day, Amal genuinely smiled then she turned to Nawal, "I am sorry my bad manners. Susan meet Nawal a friend of mine. And Nawal this is Susan a friend who has become dear to me as a sister."

Stunned, Susan's stared at the woman in front of her. She knew that name well. Licking her lips, she scanned her appearance. No wonder Daud had easily fallen head over heels for this woman. She was beautiful but most of all there was kindness in her eyes which Susan had seen in very few people in her life.

Nawal felt uneasy under this strange woman's scrutinizing gaze. When her gaze rested on the child on her lap. Nawal stilled, her heart thudded loudly. This boy...he looked so familiar. The boy was playfully touching Amal's bangles. The sight of his eyes shattered Nawal's heart. She knew then. It wasn't all a lie.

When she met Susan's eyes. She easily gauged why this woman had been staring at her. Both women were hurt by the same man. Nawal swallowed hard the clogged emotions in her throat.

She spoke hoarsely, "You have a beautiful son."

Susan's eyes lowered to her son and she murmured, "Thank you."

There was no need of words to communicate. Both women had only one thought, how fate had brought them in front of each other. Both suffering silently.

Unable to cope with the emotions anymore, Nawal had excused herself from both women. She was sauntering to her friends, when her brother Faraz's voice caught her attention near the divider. She turned to him and smiled. He didn't seem himself anymore. There must have been some stress at work, she mused. Nevertheless, it was good to see him. As her brother embraced her, she found her husband standing behind him.

"How has been your classes?" Faraz asked.

"Good" she smiled.

He narrowed his eyes, "Hope you are studying hard."

Nawal beamed, "I am. In fact I stay up in the library long so I can complete my assignments and readings before time."

She had noticed her other brothers had joined them and so did her mother. Faraz eyes light up, "I am glad to hear that." He looked at Salman and suggested, "I think she is in the making of a future manager at your company."

Salman shook his head in disgust, "Oh please, if Nawal is in the company then for sure we will end up with losses. All she knows is to chat all day about trifle matters like clothes and gossip with Ammi."

Ghazala giggled at her son in law's antics but Nawal heart dropped. Her eyelids downcast, she discreetly glanced at the people near earshot and gloominess set in knowing he had just proclaimed her unable to achieve anything in life in front of a large audience.

Faraz eyebrows knotted, "That's not true Salman. She is hard working and I am sure if you give her one chance she will do well."

Salman just waved his hand dismissing the matter and laughed it off.

Tears threatened to spill, head bowed, she left her family behind and just rushed out of the hall in the quietness of the cold autumn evening. The chilling winds freezing her heart. She wasn't strong enough to bear all this. Will she be taunted like this all her life? She was on the verge of breaking. He was good at further injuring her soul.

Sitting on the lone bench on the grassy fields outside the mosque, amongst the rustling of the dead and dried leaves her grief released in the form of tears.

She cried over her misery.

She cried over her anguish.

But most of all, she cried over the pain she was to face for a lifetime all because she made the grave mistake of loving a man that was never hers.

****

She was subdued later that night as she slipped under the duvet on her bed. Salman was laying on his side ready to go to sleep, when she spoke in a soft tone, "Can I ask you something?"

"Hmm..." he responded sleepily.

Staring at his back, she whispered, "Why did you marry me?"

Salman's eyes widened, sleep evaporating, he turned to face her, "You know why."

"No not about the honour thing. I...I ...mean you had sent a proposal even before that." Her desolate eyes searched his, "Why?"

Holding her gaze for a long moment, he whispered back, "I thought we were compatible."

Her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes narrowed slightly, "Really? But..."

"But what?"

She heaved hard, she had to get this out of her chest and say it to him. "Please don't get me wrong. But since we got married I just feel you don't like me at all."

He inched closer, "What makes you think that way?"

"You have never.." she wasn't able to go on. She feared what he will do.

"Tell me."

Scared to see his reaction, her eyelids lowered, "You never appreciate for who I am. I have tried my best to change for you but ... but ... you have never been pleased with me. I just don't understand if you didn't like my personality why bother getting married."

Salman froze in his place. He didn't have any reply to that. Is that how she saw him? Not liking her? But he didn't argue with her. He did agree to whatever she said. A realization hit him, she didn't demand anything out of him anymore. Nothing at all. Did she really think he was changing her? He didn't mean to. He swallowed, his jealousy had driven him to find faults in her even though when they weren't faults. He was insecure about their relationship and in retaliation he was making her insecure of herself.

"Nawal that isn't true. You don't know what I feel for you."

But there was no response. Her soft breathing indicated she was fast asleep.

He vowed to himself that from now on he will express his feelings to her. So that there were no doubts.

****

The next early morning, Salman was leaving for all Ireland supplier tour with his supply chain managers. He would be gone for ten days. Nawal had helped him pack his bag and was now making his breakfast. He had been thinking over their conversation. He had very little sleep all night as he tossed and turned in bed lost in thoughts over what his wife desired out of him.

It was true, she had quietened a lot. She wasn't that spunky girl he once found amusing. She had lost her spark. But he will bring that back. Bring back the Nawal he always loved and will love. His Nawal.

When he sauntered to the dining table, Nawal set his breakfast on the table with his tea mug. She was leaving for the kitchen when he grabbed her wrist, "Why don't you join me for breakfast?"

Astonished, her gaze fell on her wrist he was holding. He never showed any affection in front of any of family members. He always demeaned her in front of them. She nodded warily as she sat down to eat beside him.

She got eggs and toast for herself and a mug of tea. She quietly ate beside him while Salman discussed with his father managing the company during his absence. While talking, he took an apple and peeled it. Slicing the apple in several slices he placed some of the slices on his plate then on Nawal.

Nawal looked at him in bewilderment. He was never concerned about what she ate and what she didn't. Instead, he smiled gently, there was softness in his eyes that she had rarely seen before, taking her hand in his, and he squeezed it. She was just shocked, what was the matter with him? In the last few months, his demeanour had been anything but gentle or affectionate towards her.

Seema felt at ease finally seeing her son and daughter in law in a warmer manner compared to the cold and callous behaviour of his son in the last few weeks. She just prayed that their bond strengthens with time.