Her hands trembled and her eyes widened. She closed her eyes in agony, after so many weeks, he had finally messaged. But it was too late. In anger and frustration, at the early days of her marriage, she had deleted his number from her phone. But his number was imprinted in her heart. She knew it well it was him. The man who had taken over heart. The man whose haunting memories were inseparable like her own shadow. Her lower lip quivered and she bit it to stop from sobbing. She missed him. His memories were there at every waking moment of her days and her dreams... he had invaded them as well. She had no escape. None at all.

Now as she stared at the brief text message, she didn't know what to do. She discreetly looked over her shoulder and observed the gradual rise and fall of Salman's back indicating he was in deep sleep. He would kill her if he found out. Besides, she just couldn't betray him no matter what heart desired. Clicking on the text message she pressed to delete it. One last time, she thought over. She would have readily replied had he not left her without any word at the time she trusted him the most. Her heart maybe crying for him, but she was still seething deep down for how he ditched her on their wedding day. Had he not left her, she wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. She had loved him with all her heart and soul, withholding nothing back and he had thrown everything, all those memories, those words to her face and walked out. Not even the courtesy to explain his actions.

No Daud Siddique, I don't care what my heart says. I won't surrender to it. She finally deleted the text message.

Daud was her past. Salman was her present and future. She was struggling in this relationship. But that didn't mean she could go back to her past. A tear escaped her desolate eye down her temple to her hair. A beautiful past locked in her heart forever. Fresh tears trickled down, talking to him again will be torture. Knowing he was only minutes away from being hers truly for life and now she was helpless. Someone else's wife, she couldn't just indulge in talking to him. Her life was with Salman, even though, it wasn't what she had dreamed of. Inhaling deeply, she turned to Salman and for the first time since they married she scooted closer to her husband, her chest nearly touching his broad back muscles. She draped her arm over his waist, her cheek resting against his back, closing her eyes she felt his scent that she was getting familiar with. The amber, musk scent of his cologne and a mix of just him. She inhaled and his muscles flexed under her hand on his stomach. Basking in his strength, she closed her eyes and truly believed she was content.

****

With one eye open, Salman hastily switched off the ringing phone alarm. He stretched his arms over his head and as he fully awake to pray pre-dawn prayer when he felt someone snuggled against his back. Nawal's arm was around his waist. Warmth spread through his chest, lips twitched in pleasure, his hand found hers that was over his stomach. He lightly rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. Whatever, annoyance he had disappeared with this small gesture of hers. Bringing her hand to his lips, he gently kissed it. Then slowly turned to face her.

She was sleeping peacefully. Brushing back her hair, he gazed at her face. Why couldn't they learn to live happily? Why all the bickering? All this anguish? He pecked her forehead and carefully detangled himself from her. He knew she wasn't praying, there was no point waking her up. With one last longing glance, he walked to the bathroom.

When he was done with the prayer, he sat on the prayer mat thinking over his relationship with his wife. She was as stubborn as him. Not ready to apologize. But her actions spoke what her lips didn't utter. This was enough for Salman. He would let go. With these thoughts, he lifted the sheets and stretched beside her on the bed. She hadn't moved instead continued to sleep soundlessly. Encircling his arm around her waist, he brought her closer to him.

She mumbled in sleep, "What?"

"Nothing," he whispered and kissed her cheek.

Her head resting on his shoulder, she nuzzled his neck and within minutes was asleep again. He smiled gazing down at her face. They may argue all the time but at least when it came to marital intimacy she had never refused him but rather with time she had become comfortable with him. He just prayed that there would be a time they are closer emotionally as well with no barriers.

But barriers were not easy to break...

****

At the breakfast table, Salman was sipping his tea when Muhammad sauntered in the room.

"I will be coming late to office. I am taking Abba to his doctor's appointment this morning." He announced as he seated himself on the table.

Salman's eyebrows creased, "All is well right?"

Muhammad nodded hastily, "Yes, yes. Just regular check of his diabetes and cardiology check-up."

Seema placed a plate full of eggs, toasts and variety of fruit slices in front of Muhammad. He glanced at it and then smiled pleasantly at his wife. "Nothing beats a great breakfast made by your lovely hands."

Seema chuckled, squeezing her husband's shoulder, "You never cease your flattery."

"It is the truth." He then winked at Salman, "The best way for a wife to make her husband wake up is to bring a plate full of food and all sleep vanishes."

Seema's cheeks warmed as she took the seat beside her husband and started buttering her toast. Salman quietly observed his parents even thirty years after their marriage their bond was strong and full of love. Anyone can clearly see they were happily married.

Over the years, Salman had seen his parents' relation of where both worked hard to maintain it. If her mother made delicious breakfast for his father, he in return never stopped to please her with small gifts and gestures. Taking another sip of his tea, his forehead wrinkled further, not once did Nawal bother to wake up for him when he was going to work. He didn't expect her to make breakfast but at least be there when he is getting ready and leaving the house for the day. It was futile to have any expectations from her. She hardly was loving towards him. At times, there was a niggling thought at the back of his head whether she had not forgotten Daud. He dreaded to find out. He would be devastated if she really thought of him.

This was not a good way to start a day. He mentally shook himself and thought of more pressing business matters that needed his attentions. At least they were more pleasant thoughts than his own wife. A woman, he had thought he would find solace in. But that was yet to happen.

****

That evening when Salman came from work he had a surprise. A pleasant surprise he hadn't anticipated at all.

Nawal had baked chocolate fudge cake and was adding milk in the saucepan to make the desi chai for the evening when an exhausted Salman entered the kitchen after a hard day's work.

"Assalam u alaikum" he murmured amused to find Nawal in the kitchen.

She whirled around from the saucepan where she was adding green cardamom to the milk. She smiled "Walaikum salaam."

"What are you doing?" his eyebrows knotted in confusion.

"I made us some treats. Why don't you go get relaxed." She bit her lip and looked out the backyard from the kitchen glass door, where it was bright and sunny. "We will eat at the backyard, okay?"

He curtly nodded and quietly left. There was only one thought lingering in his mind, what was going on?

In the next quarter of an hour, Nawal placed a big slice of the chocolate fudge cake and a big mug of Chai in front of Salman on the garden table at the backyard.

"What's the occasion?" he asked warily taking the mug in his arms.

Sitting on the chair opposite to him, she shrugged casually, "Nothing really. I just felt like baking and I thought you may enjoy it."

His stance relaxed, taking the first bite of the cake, he was speechless. He was well aware she loved baking but this cake was scrumptious. "It's good."

She nodded quietly and turned to the flowers bushes that were surrounding them in the backyard. They ate in silence. Both unable to start any conversation.

It was many minutes later as Nawal sipped the last of her tea, "You know what I love about summer?"

Salman arched an eyebrow, intrigued that she was finally opening up to him, "No, what?"

"The flowers. I love flowers. Life has so much pain that I feel it is just little things in life that can bring a smile to you and flowers is one of them." She was lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize what she said out loud.

"What pain you have in your life?"

Startled, Nawal gazed at him, shaking her head, her eyes lowered, "Nothing." Before he could ask her further, she changed the subject, "Khala and Khalu are going out for dinner. Why don't we get a take away? Manal was telling me about this great halal pizza."

He stared at her for a long moment. Seeking answers from her eyes but every time he tried, it seemed she shut him out. He nodded slowly, "Okay."

They remained silent for the rest of their time in the backyard. Even though how hard she focused on the present her mind slipped back to the past. Gazing at the rose bush, she remembered the biggest reason why she wanted a summer wedding. She wanted roses around her when she was a bride. The love of flowers was a scorching one. Where one could devour in the scents and pleasantness of their aesthetic appearance but one easily got pricked by their thorns. Right now her life was between a thorn and the petals of a rose. She was struggling to reach to the petals, to be among the softness, the fragrance and most of all be embraced by the beauty of life.

****

The phone rang again. This time, Nawal cancelled the call. Daud had started calling her for the last one week. Nearly every day. She had first ignored the calls. Then when Salman was home, she would keep her phone on silent. He was being very persistent, never getting tired of calling even though not once did she received it.

She was working hard to forget her past. Days with Salman had become peaceful. She had learned to control her temper. That one time she had raged about the abaya in the store and then how he had ignored her had taught her lesson. It was better to keep her anger suppressed. This allowed them to live more amicably. Instead as the last few weeks left of her summer holidays, Nawal concentrated in cooking with Khala. Learning new dishes one after the other. No one ever complimented her but Khala was always pleased with her. She was her sole strength in this new home of hers. Her supporting pillar she could lean on easily.

There were times she had nearly spoken about her feelings and turmoil she was going through and she feared she would be reprimanded just like her mother but instead Seema smiled gently and reminded her time was the best healer.

"You are right khala. Time is the best healer," she whispered as she stood next to the cooker cooking a vegetable curry.

Seema patted her back, "I know you loved him." Astounded, Nawal's anxious eyes met her aunt's. Her clammy hand clutched the wooden ladle tightly. But Seema smiled, "It's okay Nawal you don't need to fear or hide anything from me. I am a woman and I can understand your feelings."

Nawal's eyes brimmed with tears, "how come you understand me so easily when no one else does?"

"Perhaps, I know exactly what you are going through." Seema murmured. "Just remember my advice. It will take time but not forever. You will learn to accept the truth and I am sure there will be a day when you learn to love and be happy with Salman."

Nawal swallowed as her throat clogged with unexpressed emotions. "Khala I hope so." She hoped with all her being. She had been trying so hard in the last few weeks. But her treacherous heart continued to betray her. Even though, she had strictly ignored the numerous texts and calls from him.

And with Salman, she was learning to live and smile. It was difficult but she was learning...

****

In the darkness of the night, when all slept, the jingles of her bangles were the only noise as her hand was nestled in his. She was laying on her side staring at the full moon that was peeping through the window.

His lips were on her jaw, slowly trailing down her neck. The moon hid behind the clouds as her husband's kisses became passionately and she closed her eyes savouring the sensations. He gently turned her to him, tucking a loose strand behind her ear, he cupped the side of her face.

Nawal lifted her eyelids and looked into his dark orbs that were probing her silently. Her finger lightly traced his perfectly arched eyebrow. His head tilted and his lips touched her palm.

"What is the matter?" he asked in a hushed tone. His hand made patterns on her bare arm that was resting on the sheet.

Her one eyebrow cocked in a silent inquisition.

"You have become very quiet in the last few weeks."

She smiled sadly as her fingers trailed down to his bearded cheek. "I talk nonsense. It's better I keep quiet."

A crease rose in his perfectly smooth forehead, "Said who?"

"It's better this way." Her fingers grazed his beard.

They were quiet for many minutes, relishing their closeness. Her fingers running over his jaw and chin while his hand continued to make patterns on her arm.

"Why don't you ever say my name?" he said in a low tone as the tip of her index finger traced the outline of his lips.

She shook her head slightly, "You don't want to hear me say it."

His forehead creases deepened, "Let me decide that."

With her thumb, she flattened the creases on his forehead, "I will end up calling you bhai. And you wouldn't want to hear that."

His lips curled in displeasure, "How do you know until you don't call me by my name."

"Please leave it." her eyes begged him.

His jaw clenched, "You never agree with me."

Closing her eyes, she heaved the sheet on her chest that covered her nakedness rose and fell rapidly, "I am trying. I really am."

"Sometimes I feel you are really not with me. Why Nawal? Why?" his hand gripped her naked arm. "It's been two months in our marriage but still you are withholding yourself from me."

How could she confide in him what she felt? How could she tell him all these days she has been struggling. Would he understand her? No, he wouldn't. She abruptly sat up clutching the sheet to her chest as she rummaged the end of the bed for her pajamas.

"Go to sleep." she whispered.

He rose as well, the sheet sliding from his defined abs to his hip but he was oblivious to it. He clutched her arms and turned her around so she could face him.

"No man would want his wife not fully his. I have been very patient with you. I know we don't argue anymore. But still why this barrier." Her lips pursed, eyelashes downcast and she remained silent. "Speak to me dammit. I want to know what is in your mind." His hold on her arms tightened.

"Release me." her eyes still not meeting his.

He shook her, "I have been very patient but not anymore. No man would have tolerated what I have with you."

She couldn't stop herself, "Daud would have."

And at that moment she hated herself. She clenched shut her eyes in anguish as her heart tore apart saying his name again.

Salman released her immediately, "You haven't forgotten him after all these days."

Her head bowed in remorse unable to defend herself.

"I gave you respectability, he left you at your most vulnerable. He didn't care about you. I accepted every damn thing even though you had been with him in intimate ways. I endured your verbal attacks and you still utter his name." With each word his grip on her strengthened. Each word like a spear on her hurt. His physical and verbal attacking hurting her more than can he can imagine.

Tears of shame spilled from her eyes, "Please Bas (enough)"

His teeth clenched, "You are unbelievable. You are an ungrateful woman."

He released her and turned away as he took hold of his boxers.

Closing her eyes, she curled on her side of the bed, wrapping the sheet around herself like a cocoon, tears escaped from their confinement. A dam was unleashed, she never meant to say this. She never meant to tell him anything. But it just slipped.

If only he understood.

If only...

****

Since that night, their relationship altered. She had become even quieter. Any closeness that they had achieved in these two months evaporated in seconds in that full moon night. She had no idea this was a start of her treading in dangerous territory. She was to face the brunt of a jealous man. Ready to attack her at every instance.

It was a new turn in their relationship.

Full of hardship and pain.

Suffocating her until she thought she may not breathe anymore...

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