The end of June is here and I don't have a plus one to the Buckingham palace. I have Marcus who's out of the country until the 17th. I asked him and he apologized many many times. I know he wanted to go with me. He was very excited about it as well.

Chris and I had lunch the other day for his birthday. I got him his own rolex and he loved it. I got the captain america shield engraved on the inside and he started laughing so hard. I told him all about my newest project with Alex. Speaking of Alex, Chris likes him. I think I do too. He's super sweet abd caring and I've never seen anyone who acts the way he does. We've spent a lot of time working on this project together and now it has become completely normal to have him at my place at any time of day. He stayed over a couple of nights and I think we'll finish with all the preparations before August. I can't wait. I really enjoy working with him. He understands me in ways I never could imagine.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't find him insanely attractive. He just looks like a supermodel. I may have developed some liking to him and I'm not mad about it. He just makes me feel nice. I never thought I'd feel so carefree with someone. He doesn't only listen but he also understands. Which gives him a depth that no one has. He knows how big of a struggle it is to grow up in a family similar to ours. He just gets me.

"Hey, you got this in the mail." He runs into my room holding an envelope.

"That should be my bank statement. Give it to me." I say and take the envelope out of his hands.

I open it and it is the last thing I expected. It is Scarlett's and Colin's wedding invitation. They are having it on the 26th of September. I have to sit down. The room starts to spin and I feel like I am about to hurl.

"Are you alright?" Alex asks crouching down next to me.

"No, I don't think I am." I say looking at my hands.

He sits down next to me and takes my hands into his. I lean my head on his shoulder and start to weep. I never got this close in this amount of time to anyone. Alex is an exception. He sees me for who I am. I start to sob and he wraps an arm around me. I bury my head into his chest and a loud sob erupts from my mouth. He holds my head and draws circles on my back. We've known each other just over a month and I feel completely connected. I end up messing up his shirt and staining it with mascara. He takes the envelope into his hands and reads whats it about. He nods slowly and puts the invitation onto the bedside table. He disappears out of the room and returns with a glass of water. He holds it up for me as I take a big sip.

"I'm sorry. I should have held it together." I apologize looking away from him.

"Hey, don't you worry. I'm glad you didn't. I was here to hold you at least." he says and takes my face into his huge hand.

"Can I ask for a favour?" I ask him. I need to try this. This feeling inside of me is killing me.

"Anything" He just answers and sits back down.

"Can you.. can you kiss me?" I ask him.

"Look Lena.. I don't think you're in the right heads space for that. How about you take a breather?" He offers

"No I'm being serious." I say

"I'm not kissing you Lena." He says

"Why not?"

"Because if I kiss you I want it to be because you wanted it beforehand. I want you to want me and only me." Wow I think I just experienced deja vu.

"Can I hug you?" I ask him

"Always" He says and opens his arms for me.

"Will you join me at the Buckingham palace?"I blurt out

"Wait what?" He says and holds onto my shoulders.

"Will you join me for an event in the Buckingham palace. The royal family invited me and told me I could bring a plus one." I say

"Yes, Oh my God of course! When?" He says and gets on his feet.

"It's in four days." I say

"Okay so let me get my phone." He says and runs out of the room.

He returns shortly after calling someone.

"Hey! I need the best suit you have in store. Could I possibly go over there tomorrow? Perfect! Alright, I'll be there tomorrow morning." He speaks on the phone.

"Okay so that is done. Now, what will you be wearing?" He asks

"Oh a beautiful dress. Do you want me to show you?" I ask

"Yes I need to see what suit to get." he says.

"How about I put it on?"

"Even better. I'll leave the room." He says and goes outside my room.

I find the dress in my wardrobe and put it on carefully. I straighten it out and put on the shoes that go with it. I look into the mirror and once again. I am in love with this dress.

I open the door and find Alex sitting on the floor. When he notices he stands uo with his mouth wide open.

"Holy shit. You look mesmerizing." He says looking at my dress.

"Give me a twirl." he says grabbing my hand and spinning me. His goofiness makes me giggle like crazy.

"Thank you." I smile at him

"You're welcome. May I take picture of you?" he asks getting his phone out of his pocket.

"Why?" I ask

"I need something to compare it to. I want my suit to match your dress." he says

"Oh, sure you can take it." I say and he snaps a quick photo.

"Why didn't you ask Marcus or even Chris?" He asks

"Marcus is out of the country and won't be back in a long time. Chris is in a middle of a fight with Selena and I don't want to make the situation even worse." I say

"Oh. I get that." He says

"Yeah. I hope you don't mind me asking this close to it. I really didn't think much of it." I say

"No problem. I would be happy if you called me an hour earlier." He says smiling at me.

"I have to apologize to running your shirt. I didn't... I wasn't careful with it." I say embarrassed.

"It is alright, you're allowed to feel emotions when they hit you." he says putting his hands on my shoulders.

"I can't wait for the 10th of July." I whisper.

"Same here. I just want to go and do this." he says.

He left a few minutes later. I changed into some comfortable clothing and lay down on the couch. She's getting married in two months. She's moving on. I don't know why I had a slight hope that maybe one part of her would win and she would chase me all the way to England, begging me to be with her. It reminds me of Parent trap. How the woman ran away from him and wanted him to run after her. But he never did. And she never left England. Not until they switched their twins but that is besides the point.

I wanted her to fight for me. I wanted her to show me just how much she cared. She was prepared to sleep with me, but so are a lot of people. Sex means nothing if I don't know what happens next. I could have had a one night stand with her, but she means more to me than that. She is someone I hold close to me even if she's not mine. I guess I was doomed from the start. The love I have for her is never the love she'll be able to show to me. She will never love me like I love her. She will always love someone else just a tiny bit more.

I put on a random film in the background as I sit in the living room. I can hear thunder come from the outside and a storm breaks through. Rain drops violently slam against the roof of my house and a sweet mellow feeling settles in my chest. I listen to the rain and look out the window. Sparks fly through the sky and I fall asleep sitting by the window.

♤ ♤ ♤ ♤ ♤ ♤ ♤

I was woken uo by Richard. He had a tray in his hands. As soon as I opened my eyes he lowered the tray onto the table in front of me.

"Good morning, don't tell me you slept here again." He says

"I kind of did actually."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah. It is now." I say smiling at him.

"Did you decide who to bring with you to the palace?" He asks

"I asked Alex to go with me." I say

"Alex, he seems like a nice fellow." he says

"He is." I say grabbing a bite of food.

"What's your new number Lena? I completely forgot to put it in." He says giving me his phone.

I change phone numbers. I of course had one for the US and the second for the UK. But, after everything I decided I'll change numbers. I bought two new sim cards at the airport. One for the US and the second one for the UK. Only a few people have that number of mine. I didn't give the number to Scarlett. I never even tried to. She is one of the main reasons for it. I don't want her to get distracted with me. I don't want her to try and reach out because I know she won't.

I put in my phone number into Richard's phone and handed it back to him. I ate breakfast and he kept me company. I of course offered him as well. He declined as always. He told me he eats before he serves me. Even though I told him he doesn't have to make food for me. I can do it myself.

We hear the doorbell ring and Miriam runs through the room to go and answer it. She returns with Alex by her side.

"The sleeping beauty finally awoke." He taunts.

"Wait what time is it?" I ask

"Only 11 am. You're not too late." He says, looking at his watch.

"Would you like some tea sir?" Richard offers Alex.

"Sure. I'd love some." He says and sits down opposite of me.

Richard takes the tray on his way to the kitchen and Miriam follows him, giving us some privacy.

"How are you holding up?" He asks

"I could say I'm better." I say

"May I sit next to you?" he asks and I nod.

"Everything will be alright Lena. You just have to be patient." He says putting a hand to my knee.

"I know I just hate that I feel so strongly for her."

"I understand. Love is a very strong emotion that not all of us could handle." He says

"It must be heavy too because I can barely stand." I say

"If anyone could carry it with grace it is you. You mentioned me to her a few times. I could see the glisten in your eyes when you talked of her. It's admiration. You respect her enough to let her get married to someone who you think is more deserving of her than you." He says holding eye contact.

"How do you know" I ask

"Because I did the exact same thing to myself Lena. I let the woman I loved get married to another man. I was devastated when I found out. I wanted to kill him, to kill myself even."

"I'm glad you didn't." I say grabbing his hand.

"Is there any chance you could go and talk to her. Try to win her over?" He asks

"I am not sure if she feels the same as me. I don't want to lose her out of my life forever."

"If she's worth it, she'll stay." He says

"The thing is. She loves Colin." I say looking away.

"How long are they together?" He asks

"I don't know. Not a year yet. That's all I know."

"Why rush the wedding?" he asks

"I don't know."

"Would you think she's maybe pregnant?" He asks

"No.. I don't know.. I haven't spoken to her in over a month." I say

"If you want I'll be your date to the wedding. That way you won't have to go all alone." He offers.

"I'd like that." I say

We lean back on the couch and I lean my head on his shoulder while he has a hand around me. I don't know what I feel for him. I don't know in which box to put the nice mellow feeling I have around him.

We worked for most of the day. I didn't feel like changing clothes so I stayed in my casual wear. I made room for him in my study and we made significant progress. Alex also got himself a suit. It matches mine perfectly. I loved it on him. I made him wear it and give me a fashion show. We laughed and had fun while we're at it and finished of the night with some drinks and a few board games. I won almost every single game. I am very competitive.

I let him stay over in one of the rooms. It was a bit late after we decided to call it a night and we both drank. I couldn't let him drive in that condition.

take care :)