《how the words come》dear you, epilogue

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yesterday, we had a conversation. and for the first time, i didn't scramble to get out of it. i didn't feel my heart drop through my stomach, i didn't feel red creeping into the corners of my vision. i almost forgot it was you that i was talking to.

and i think that's a milestone. a big one, really. because for the first time, you didn't make me scared, or hurt, or angry. i wasn't reminded of everything wrong about us every time you texted me back. at one point, you said something funny, and i laughed to myself. i genuinely laughed. i can't recall the last time i laughed because of you.

this year may be the last year that i write about you. this may be the last time you are the spark behind this poetry.

i want to write about happier things now. i want to write more about him and all the joy he brings me, and less about you, and the darkness you shrouded me in. and i really believe that by the end of this year, i will be able to.

if you ignored my warning at the beginning of this book, and read it anyway, then here is my real final message to you:

i forgive you.

i have said all there is to say, and i forgive you.

not because you asked for it, but because i finally can.

and i know i can, because yesterday, we had a conversation,

and it didn't kill me. not in the slightest.

yesterday, we had a conversation, and it was almost as if all the bad had never happened. i felt like i was merely talking to a friend.

after it was over, i went about my day and didn't even think twice about what had happened.

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today, when i woke up, the anger was gone. all the rage that had settled inside of me had burned to nothing.

so i forgive you, finally. i forgive you for all of it.

i always said i wanted to just forget about you, but i know i'll never be able to. you will always be here, with me, and i'm okay with that, now.

i just want you to know that.

and i want you to know that i don't regret you. not the good times, or the nasty ones. i don't regret a single second of it.

because when it comes down to it, i had loved you more than anything. and i know that in some way, you had loved me too. it wasn't the right way, or the kindest way, but it was something.

you can let go of the weight now. i know i have. you don't have to let it follow you around anymore.

yesterday, we had a conversation, and i learned then that this is what letting go of something feels like. this is how faded scars feel.

so let go of me.

it's okay.

i promise.

-c.h.

~

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