when i was 13,

i fell in love for the first time,

and he cheated on me.

at 13 years old,

i already knew what it felt like

to have somebody decide i wasn't

good enough for them.

the damage it did

reeked havoc on my body and my mind

for years.

it is broken.

when i was 14,

my closest group of friends

abandoned me.

at 14 years old,

i already knew what it felt like

to have to rearrange my entire life

because nobody was left in my old one.

to this day,

i am always afraid of my friends

moving on from me.

it is broken.

when i was 15,

i broke up with a boy,

and he turned half of my grade against me.

at 15 years old,

i already knew what it felt like

to have a whole army of people

working to destroy you.

i am now so afraid

of hurting people's feelings

i struggle to stand up for myself.

it is broken.

when i was 16,

i loved a boy more than anything,

and he was emotionally abusive.

at 16 years old,

i already knew what it felt like

to have somebody gaslight me, manipulate me,

lie to me, and completely break me.

i now am stuck with a haunted memory,

and my trust issues need a crutch to walk with.

i find it hard to believe even the most honest people.

it is broken.

when i was 17,

i got into all my top colleges,

and i left that boy.

at 17 years old,

i already knew what it felt like

to have my life click into its rightful place

and to put myself first.

i attend my dream school now.

but the past four years,

they don't go away.

it is still broken.

i am 18,

and i am happy and in love,

but i am still broken.

at 18 years old,

i have triggers and scars, but also

a beautiful boy, a beautiful group of friends,

a beautiful university, and more.

i still have to write about them.

i can't push those years to the side

as if they didn't count.

it is still broken.

those years may have been hard,

they may have been painful,

but i learned from them.

i learned how to combat

the self-esteem issues

that i gained at 13.

i learned how to recognize

who is a true friend

after what happened at 14.

i learned how to stand

tall and push side the fear

of retribution i got at 15.

i learned how to see

past people's lies and masks

after who i loved at 16.

i learned how to appreciate

the great things that come from

the bad at 17.

and finally,

i am learning how to love

life and all of its parts,

both good and evil, at 18.

you see, i am still broken,

and i know i have more breaking

to do.

i will always be broken.

these parts of me aren't fixable,

i just got used to them.

-c.h.

~