i think i have finally

managed to start

hating you.

i think i mean it

when i write it down.

it's not just a coping method

anymore.

and that is what hurts the most,

now.

i used to just think about

forgiving you,

but that felt too much like

loving you,

and that felt too much like

choking on my own breath,

which felt too much like

fucking dying.

so i have to hate you.

i have to loathe you,

at least for a while.

maybe i won't have to

one day.

maybe i will be able to

smile at you and it will be

genuine and kind

and not pulled apart

by a needle and thread.

but for now,

i have to write the angry

poetry and the bitter prose

and i have to want to vomit

at the thought of ever talking

to you again and i have to

ignore you and act like

you don't exist

so that one day

it won't matter that you do.

-c.h.