"Wake up El."

I open my eyes to see my husband cradling our baby. His emerald eyes sparkle in the early morning sunshine. Our daughter fusses in his arms, and seeing him tend to her makes me feel... strange.

Not in a good way.

"Morning. How long has she been up?"

Harry gently rocks her before setting her down in the bassinet. He walks over to the bed and sits next to me. "Not long, just a couple of hours. It was great bonding time for us."

Bonding time. My rage claws at the back of my mind, wanting to be released. I hold out my arms out to Harry and he looks surprised. After throwing me a cautious look, he hugs me.

"That's great Harry. I'm glad you two are ."

As we embrace, I force my body to relax and I rest my face in the crook of his neck.

Another feeling slowly begins to creep up along with the rage as I think of everything my girls and I have been through.

Hate combines with the rage and I finally release the hold I've had on such feelings.

"Harry?"

Harry pulls back enough to look into my face. "Yes El?"

"You have to pay."

Confusion clouds his features. "What-"

Suddenly, like magic there is a knife in my hand. It glints in the sunlight for a moment before I plunge it into my husband's abdomen.

Shock and betrayal litter his expression, but all I feel is glee at his suffering.

Now he knows how I felt.

Now he knows.

I take out the knife and plunge it back into him over and over and over again. Hot blood splatters across my face, and I lick the corner of my lips, letting the metallic taste fill my mouth.

Soon my hands are dripping in it. When I make a fist, the blood squishes through my fingers like play dough.

I faintly hear my baby wailing but-

nothing else matters except this.

When I feel sated enough, I still my body and stare into my husband's lifeless eyes. The once sparkling emerald is now a dull and muted green.

Everything is now quiet as I sit on the bloody sheets of my bed. Fully surveying my work, I throw back my head... and laugh.

▪︎▪︎▪︎

I wake up gasping. My heart races, my body full of adrenaline, and my baby moves around wildly inside of me.

I try to calm myself down by taking some deep breaths. Once my pulse has gone back to normal, and Ayla has calmed down, I sit up slowly. Only then do I allow myself to think about that dream.

I go over every aspect of it, trying to convince myself that it has a deeper meaning. But it doesn't. I simply killed Harry.

The thing that makes me feel weird is that... I actually enjoyed the dream. Like, sitting here right now, I feel somewhat satisfied.

I feel satisfied that I stabbed my husband, tasted his blood, played with his blood, and stared into his dead eyes.

That is disturbing as fuck.

I think it's time that I seriously talk to someone. No more excuses, no more pretending that I'm fine.

I pick my phone up off the nightstand and I dial a number.

"Hello?"

"U-uh, hi Niko this is-"

"Ellie? How are you doing?"

I fidget with my sheets as I talk, suddenly feeling unsure. "I'm... I'm ok. Do you have any openings for a session today?" He pauses for a moment, as if he's surprised that I'm actually asking him for once.

"Yeah! How does 1 o'clock sound?"

I look at my clock on the wall. It's only eleven, so I have plenty of time. "Sure, that's fine. Um, could I make a request?"

"Sure, Ellie."

"C-could we do it at my house?"

Niko is silent for so long that I start to tell him to forget it. "I usually don't do house calls, but I'll make an exception."

"Really? Thank you so much, Niko. I'll text you my address."

"Okay then, see ya soon."

After hanging up I leap out of bed and start to get ready. I find myself wanting to look nice, but I don't look too deep into it.

I shower quickly, but take the time to rub bio oil on my stomach. My belly has popped out so much, I know that stretch marks are going to come sooner than later. The doctors told me that my stomach would still grow as if I'm still carrying twins, but actually seeing it is a different story.

The amazing thing is, is that I'm in love with my body. My body housed my baby and is currently housing the other. How could I not love that? I no longer feel self conscious about my thighs, boobs, or my generous behind. I want to actually enjoy this pregnancy because I don't know if it will ever happen again. So I don't have time to stress out over the little things.

After rubbing oil and lotion on my body, I finish up my morning routine (which includes taking my heart and prenatal medication).

When that's taken care of, I find myself standing in front of my closet, staring at each and every item.

The need to look nice is still there, but my tiredness is outweighing it. I settle on a baby pink crop sweatshirt with matching sweatpants. The lower half of my belly is visible, but it looks cute.

I use gel to slick my waves back into a ponytail and I put in a pink bobby pin to hold the flyaways in place. I put on thick gold hoop earrings, a gold heart chain choker, and the gold python necklace. I leave my face bare, wanting to take a break from makeup.

Once I'm satisfied with my appearance, it's time to eat.

As I walk through my empty house, a bit of loneliness creeps up on me. Daria is at school and then she's going to have a sleepover with her friends. We've been hanging out constantly over the course of this week. So I don't blame the teen for wanting to spend time with her friends outside of school.

Liam is gone as well. But with him, something feels off. Five days ago, he told me that the construction site was having an emergency and Odessa couldn't handle it by herself. I'm not selfish, so I told him to go.

The weird thing is, when I ask him about the 'emergency' he gives me a different answer every time. He also doesn't stay on the phone long and when we text, it's short and to the point. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions, but this kind of feels like the last time when he was mad at me.

I don't trust him. I love Liam, but ever since last time, that unwavering trust has mostly evaporated.

Closing my mind off of all thoughts about Liam, I focus on what I'm going to eat.

I haven't really been craving anything specific lately, so I just stick to my standard breakfast.

Brown sugar cinnamon oatmeal, spinach tomato cheese omelet, and a green smoothie.

I hate to eat in silence, so I put on Joji's latest album and let it flow throughout the house.

When I'm finished eating, I clean up quickly. Feeling a bit anxious, I flit around the house and tidy up. It's not that messy, but I just want everything to look perfect.

Before I know it, my doorbell is ringing.

A shot of nervousness courses through my body as I walk to the door. I wait for a beat, then I open it.

Niko's leaning against the doorframe with a polished smile on his face. His deep blue curls are a little messy, but it looks good. He's wearing a grey sweater, blue jeans, boots, and an open black wool coat. He has a clipboard and some books in his arms, which makes me wary.

"Hey Niko, come on in."

I step aside as he comes in and I close the door behind him. When I turn around, I startle as his arms wrap around me.

Why is he hugging me?

I'm a bit stiff at first, but then I relax into it. Eventually he pulls away. "It's nice to see you Ellie. How have you been?" Not sure how to feel about what just happened, I turn away and walk to the living room, knowing that he'll follow.

I sit down in my favorite armchair and watch as Niko settles on the couch across from me. I'm surprised again when he puts his clipboard aside and focuses all of his attention on me.

"I've been... not great."

He nods. "Want to elaborate?"

My heartbeat starts to quicken at what I'm about to share with him. I place my hands on my belly to calm myself.

"I had a nightmare... about my husband." Niko's eyebrows raise slightly, but besides that he doesn't change his neutral expression.

I keep talking, afraid that if I stop, I won't get up the nerve to say it again.

"I only call it a nightmare because when I woke up, I was filled with adrenaline. But... I wasn't afraid. In fact, I found that I kind of enjoyed it? Okay, no. Enjoyed sounds wrong. More like satisfaction."

"That's a bad thing?"

I sigh. "Yes. Yes because, I dreamed that I killed him and took satisfaction in his bloody demise."

Niko keeps his poker face steady, but I register the surprise in his eyes.

"What else happened in the dream?"

My eyebrows dip. "What do you mean? Isn't the main event the only important part?"

"That part is important, yes, but so is everything else. Just tell me what you remember."

I'm not sure how this will help, but he's the professional here not me. "Okay, well the dream started with me waking up. I woke up to him holding and rocking our daughter. He put her down and told me that he'd been bonding with her. I don't know, but hearing him say that triggered it."

"Triggered what?"

"The rage. After that I tricked him into hugging me and once his guard was down, that's when I consistantly stabbed him."

This is when Niko grabs for his clipboard and furiously scribbles things down. "I see. Anything else you can remember?"

I clearly remember the taste of Harry's blood, but I don't want Niko to think I'm too crazy, so I omit the blood parts. "Well, as I was stabbing him my baby was practically screaming in the background but I ignored her. When I was done, everything was silent."

Niko writes more down before setting his pen and clipboard down completely.

"Do you still love your husband?"

The unexpected question whisks the air out of my lungs. I stare at Niko, feeling mild disbelief, but I only show cool indifference.

"That is the second time you've asked me that question."

A hint of a smirk tugs at his lips. "It is. Do you intend to answer it this time?"

That little ghost of a smirk makes me feel the familiar pinprick of annoyance akin to when I first met Niko. "What makes you even ask me that? Like what makes you think that?"

He pauses and I think he's not going to tell me, but then he begins to speak. "Dreams are mostly your subconscious speaking to you. Since you only have one baby with you, that means you are still pregnant in this dream. Therefore it takes place not that far into the future. Even though you still felt the rage, you let your husband into your safe space. You let him care for your baby. If you, your baby, and your husband were all in the same room as you began to stab him... Realistically, your baby would not be aware of what exactly is going on. I believe the screaming is you trying to stop yourself. That's why it's quiet when it is over. I will ask again and it's your choice if you want to answer or not. Do you love your husband?"

Stunned into silence, I just stare at Niko. He's dropped his smirk and is staring back at me with genuine concern. I find that I want to be truthful with him.

But I can't.

"I don't know."

Niko accepts my quiet answer, but I know it to be a lie. For I know deep in my heart, when you peer under the layers of rage and hurt, what I truly feel for Harry.

And I don't like it one bit.

▪︎▪︎▪︎

We're nearing the end of our session and despite the realization I had, I feel better. Much better than what I did this morning.

Niko assured me that I'm not actually losing it, and that things like this are normal.

He gave me therapy homework to do until our next session. He said to let the rage out a little at a time while I'm doing any physical activity. Niko said that while the rage is a valid feeling, I can't hold on to it. Harry is not the one being consumed by these extreme feelings. In the end I'm the one suffering from my rage.

Niko said that it won't happen overnight, but it's a start.

Now, we're just talking casually. I'm aware that he's still on the clock, but this now feels like a casual conversation between friends.

Niko gets a text on his phone, breaking our conversation. As he's reading, his pale eyes spark in what looks like surprise. They move to me, making me slightly blush for getting caught watching him.

"Ellie!"

"Yes?"

"Happy six months! I didn't realize, but Samira just texted me. Happy 1 month birthday to Adira!"

"W-what?" I stare blankly for a minute before whipping out my own phone and checking the date. He's right. Today I am exactly six months pregnant and my sweet Adira is a month old. I was so caught up in my Harry dream that I didn't even realize.

Different emotions overwhelm my senses and without the power to stop them, big fat tears roll down my cheeks. Niko's happy expression drops into a worried one.

"I-I am such a terrible mother! I didn't even realize-" A sob cuts my words short and I bury my face in my hands. Slight panic creeps into my psyche, making my heart race a bit faster. I dont know why I feel panic, but I do. I cannot believe that I forgot. This is such a big deal because both of them were able to survive for this long. Such a huge milestone and I was too preoccupied over something that didn't really happen to notice.

Arms gently wrap around me, but this time I'm not startled. I relax into Niko's hold, just wanting to be comforted. Niko is whispering to me, telling me that nothing is my fault and how I'm doing the best that I can. He says more reassuring things like this over and over again until I've calmed down. Once I've completley stopped crying, I scrub at my eyes and slowly look up. Niko eyes are intense as they look at me, and I feel embarrassed. I try to smile but I know it looks as strained as it feels. "Sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for. You are not a bad mother Ellie."

"But-" He gives me a pointed look that makes my response die on my tongue.

"Trust me, I know bad mothers and you are not one."

"What do you mean?"

He sighs and moves his arms from around me. I try to ignore the loss of comfort as Niko moves back enough to create space between us. The look on his face is unreadable and I wonder if I said the wrong thing.

"I have a son. He's six years old and his name is Killian."

Shock somewhat snaps me out of my emotional state. I'm so surprised that I'm not sure what to say. Niko must not notice or care because he keeps talking.

"When Killian was seven months old, his mother decided that she couldn't do it anymore and just left. I should've seen it coming, given her cold demeanor to our baby. The minute he was born, I could see the detachment. It was like night and day." He closes his eyes briefly and when they open, they're focused back on me.

"I know bad mothers, and you Ellie Styles are not one. Okay?"

"Okay." It's a knee jerk response and I'm only telling him what he wants to hear. After revealing something so personal about himself, I doubt that Niko would want to argue with me.

I have so many questions that one slips out.

"Wait, how old are you Niko?"

"I just turned thirty in September."

Yet again I am shocked and I know it shows all over my face from the way Niko smiles. "Why are you so surprised Ellie?"

"Honestly? You don't look a day over twenty four. I... wow, I just would've never guessed. But you know what? The beard should've been a dead giveaway."

He snorts and touches the thick hair on his face. "Why is that?"

I can feel the blush before it touches my cheeks and I silently curse it. "Because dad's thirty and over have attractive beards." As soon as the words leave my mouth, I have the sudden urge to bury my face into a couch pillow.

I can't maintain eye contact, so I keep my eyes on his hidden neck tattoo.

"You think my beard is attractive?" His tone is teasing and playful. It makes me want to laugh, and it also makes me want to smack him.

I try to take back the reigns in this unpredictable conversation. Better to get back to the point.

"Anyway, what's he like? Your son I mean."

I force myself to look at him, and I am so glad that I did. Niko's smile is the kind of smile I've never seen on him before. Gone is the teasing, cocky smirk and in its place is genuine love. "He's a little spitfire. He is practically my shadow and always wants to do whatever I'm doing. One day I caught him trying to dye his hair with blue kool-aid." A laugh bursts out of me. "What?! Oh my God." Niko chuckles. "Yeah, so I took him to the hairdresser to get temporary blue dye."

He goes through his phone and swipes a few times before showing me the screen.