"...one day you will tell the story

of how you overcame what you went through

and it will be

someone else's survival guide..."

-Brene Brown-

"It's very common for victims of abuse not to show an outward signs that they are being abused. Looking at you now, I can tell. But when I met you, I would never have guessed it." Mrs Harrington spoke softly. "I want you know that it doesn't make you weak. Those who think so, haven't worn the shoe and they don't know where it pinches."

I am crying quietly. I'm trying not to touch my face because it's sore. She is very patient. She started coming here ten days ago. She would show up and talk to me as much as I didn't say anything.

I am embarrassed. I am deeply embarrassed that everyone knows.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. One of the reasons you probably kept quiet about this is because you fear him. Who wouldn't fear a man who holds her life in his hands? Another reason could be you feared criticism and judgement. I can also pin it on your nature. I'm not fond of talking about my children in therapy but you know one if them so it doesn't count. In pre school, my twins had the same bully. It was a ginger haired boy, bigger than the rest of the preschoolers. I know you're wondering why I'm telling you this story but it's going somewhere. So this boy would bully every other preschooler but I'll focus on my twins. He started with Cole. You've met Cole. He's calm and he keeps to himself. He's never trifling around for trouble. He punches Cole in the face. Cole comes home with a black eye and hides. The next day, the bulky picks on Coleen. But Keen does something most of the other kids didn't. She hit with a brick, sent the bully right to hospital! I'm not proud of this but I'm just trying to explain to you how different victims of abuse behave. The pattern is not constant. It it was, there would be no victims of abuse. Everyone would just beat the crap out of their bulky, right?"

"Right."

"There's nothing wrong with you Keira. Don't let negative judgement get to you. You're not weak. You're strong for surviving and that is why I want to refer to you as a survivor because this nightmare has come to an end. You will not longer star in it. All right?"

I looked away from her. The tea is cold. It's always cold because it just sits there. My mind is not here. When Jason finds me he will end this.

"He has never punched me before."

"How did it start?"

"He wasn't always abusive. When we got married, we were happy. So happy. Of course, it wasn't a fairytale but he wants beating me up. Shouting at me... occasionally. Putting his hands on me... not until one Christmas party. My mother was having a nervous breakdown. Ever since she got diagnosed with cancer, she was in denial. She got so high that night and she knew my dad would throw a fit! So she asked me to take her to a hotel and she asked me to stay with her. I did. I forgot to call Jason until late in the night when I remembered and I did call but he didn't answer. When I got home the next morning, he was not speaking to me. I made him breakfast. We ate it in silence and then he suddenly threw a cup at me. It had hot tea. I raised my hands like this... It scalded my hands. He walked away and he didn't say anything.He came back later, we had... sex. It was a little rough for my liking and he apologized. We moved past it. At least I thought we did. The second time was in the women's bathroom at a party."

"What happened?"

"I told him I needed to fix my makeup. He pointed out that I was looking a little sweaty. It was a hit night, the room was packed and air conditioning wasn't that good. While I was in the bathroom, I met a woman who was struggling with her zipper. Her hair was stuck in it. I helped her. It took too long. He came looking for me. I was just finishing up. The woman walked right past him when he came in. He looked through all the stalls. He was shouting "where is he? where is he?" I was confused. When I wanted to ask him what he means, he slapped me. He said "shit look at what you made me do. This is your fault! You did this". He told me to fix myself up. I did and I went back to the party and I smiled. The next day I got flowers and chocolates and a card to apologize. It became a routine. The slaps became kicks, pushing, slamming into walls... r-... rough sex. Not consented rough sex." I covered my mouth. "The flowers stopped coming. The apologies ceased but I kept smiling. I kept putting up an act because that's just me. I don't know how to wear my heart on my sleeve."

"Did anyone ever know?"

"I think my neighbors did. Be time, there use to be a kind old woman who lived across the street. She saw him push me down once and she pretended to come over for sugar. I opened the door and she asked me if I'm all right. I told her I am but she had a note in her hand. It read "nod and I'll call the police"."

"Did you nod?"

"Jason was behind the door. I widened my eyes hoping she gets the message and th n I told her I'm fine. A few minutes later, a policeman arrived. He said he had received a complaint about abuse. Jason denied it. The police officer insisted to see me. I had a red cheek. I'm pale and I bruise easily. He saw it. He asked me if I'm okay. If Jason did that. I said no. You see, I wasn't brave enough. The next day I went to the station to look for him. They told me he has been transferred. You see Freya, at that moment, he was more powerful than I was. He knows people." I blinked repeatedly. "It didn't stop. I didn't give up. I just kept telling myself that if I keep being good, it will stop. I just had to be good. Not to cause trouble. Be home on time. Don't speak to men. Don't upset him is what I told myself. And for a while, it stopped. I went a full six months without incident. It worked."

"So what changed?"

"He got persistent about a baby. It wasn't working out. I remember it was uh... the seventh month following the six months without incident. His mother visited. She is a cruel woman. I'm not fond of labelling people but that woman is the epitome of cruelty. She started an arguement and she made sure Jason heard. When he came downstairs she said I'm shouting at her and I'm kicking her out. All this was coming from nowhere. I have always tried to please that woman. The cycle started again. She watched and told me that I did it to myself. Something Jason says a lot."

"The first time it happened, did you tell your mom?"

"My parents are going through a lot. I didn't want to burden them. My mother especially because of her condition. I'm good at keeping things to myself. I didn't say anything."

"Keira, you are a sil not victim. You're not the first in history. You won't be the last. What matters is that it's out in the open. Those who love and care for you are now aware and we want to help. Judgement, shame, fearing for your safety and feeling no one will believe you may be among the reasons why you have been quiet. Abusers dint always start that way. They win your trust and they start small, never leaving physical signs and they keep progressing until this moment right here. Now we see it, don't we?"

"Yes." I dabbed my eyes dry with tissue.

She closed her notebook and we had a moment of silence.

"You're not responsible for this abuse. You should not feel responsible or guilty. You should not compare yourself to others. In my career I have spoken to many abused women and hey didn't all react the same way. I like to say that the wearer of the shoe knows where it pinches. Stand by that. But the important thing is how to get away from it. Because this is the point we are at now. How do you get away from it? We need to address your options. But know that I'm providing a safe neutral space for you to talk about it. Everything you say to me, will never be repeated not to your parents or Nickolas. It stays between us. It's a safe space, pour out your heart."

I did pour out my heart but in painful tears. She sat there with my hand in hers.

"Thank you."

"Keira, you will get through this and I promise you that you will come out if this stronger than you feel now. You have people who love you and who support you. They will move mountains for you. You just need to ask for help. Now you just learn to ask for help."

Keira was in and out of consciousness for days. Ferrer was dedicated to her recovery but as much as the swelling went down, something in her didn't recover. She wasn't getting out of bed. She wasn't eating. She was crying a lot and she wasn't talking to anyone. I spent every second of time I could spare with her. Lorraine and I took turns. Ferrer is busy and we appreciated his medical visits which were often brief. I wanted to tell her parents but it's not for me to say. Freya told me that it is Keira's decision and part of her healing. I stayed out of it but I don't think I have slept in the fifteen days we have been here.

It's a lake house. It belongs to Bruce. He's not around and we are here without his consent. Freya faithfully shows up everyday. The first few days she wants speaking and Freya would do all the talking, sometimes, they just sat quietly. She's in pain. I feel that pain and I'm angry. I'm rolling on a lot of rage. Jason and his mother are in the wind. Lorraine is hell bent on finding them. I have too much on my plate to play hide and seek with Jason.

"Progress." Freya smiled at me. "She opened up a little."

"What did she say?"

"I can't tell you that. It's private and confidential. Hen she is ready to open up she will tell you. However, I feel it's important that we go over a few things. Will you be her primary caregiver?"

"That's the idea."

We moved away from the lake house. "Nick are you sure? She needs a lot of emotional support and you are going through an ugly divorce. You're not emotionally stable."

"She's my responsibility."

"There are things you must know. First and foremost, she needs a safe space to escape to. That could be here or somewhere familiar that she holds dear, like home. But while her situation remains unknown to her parents, this may be her best shot."

"What else?"

"You should be willing to listen and allow her to talk to you when she feels like it. You can't force things Nick. I know you. You get impatient and you want things to happen fast. Emotional healing doesn't happen fast so don't push her to open up to you."

"Got it."

"When she does talk to you, listen carefully and do not judge her. Don't ask her why she didn't do things this way or that way. Don't inflict your opinions. Don't shame her for not leaving the situation behind. Don't label her with terms like weak, coward, timid... Don't."

"Got it."

"This part may be hard for you. I know you like it when things go your way. In this case, you are free to express your concern for her situation. But it is ultimately up to her to make her own decisions. You don't make these decisions. She does. Your role is to give support. Do you think you can do that?"

I scratched my head. "I'll try."

"Be available. If she needs you, be available. This is what I am concerned about. You are a father. You are getting divorced. This place is far from Manhattan. How thin can you stretch yourself and still be patient with her?"

"Lorraine and I we are taking shifts. We will make it work. She's never alone. When I'm not here, Julio is here. He's more patient than I am."

"Well I trust the three of you will make it work. Just remember that she's in a delicate situation. Physical bruises can heal on the own but emotional pain needs tender care. You have to be patient Nick and most importantly, supportive and understanding. I will see her two times a week. She's going through come out of this stronger."

"Thank you Freya. Don't forget to bill me."

"My assistant will reach out. Good day Nickolas."

I watched her leaving. I don't have the strength to take care of Keira. That is the truth. I don't have the patience. I have questions. I have opinions. I have shit to say and now I have to sift through my words.

"Lorraine called. She found Jason Burke. He's hiding out in Los Angeles. Your move."

"No move. Not yet. I want him to think he got away with it."

"Lupe says Margaux is asking about your whereabouts. Maybe you should stop coming here. Lest she follows you here and causes trouble. I don't think Keira needs that right now."

"Can I ask you an honest question?"

"You know I'm always blunt with you."

"Am I fit to take care of her?"

"No. The timing isn't right for you. You're not fit."

"And Lorraine?"

"She's better than you but she's not delicate or anything. I would say Cole. But you'll probably beat me up." He stepped back. "Or Bruce. You are not patient. It's not your virtue."

"Piss off Julio!"

"You asked me for the truth."

I chuckled.

I think I'll swallow my pride and ask Cole if he can help me out. I hate Margaux for making me this distracted. I want to give 100% to Kei but my attention is being pulled in all directions!