POV Shannon

"Hello guys, my name is Shannon and this video will be all about.... Spain! I visited some amazing places during holidays in this country and I want to share it with you..."

I am editing the video. I try to make a condensate of all the crazy moments we had on the trip, mixing funny part with my friends and some views of the places we visited. I am proud of it. My heart shrinks a bit when I see the parts with Cammie in it. I miss her. I want to text her so bad but I am afraid of her answer. What if she doesn't choose me? What if I can't find love again? What if Cary was right? I stand up and try not to cry. Instead, I put my running shoes on and go outside for a jog. I can feel all the tension leaving my body when running. It is the best therapy for broken soul.

I stop in a park and sit on a bank to recover a bit. I am about to leave when a shy girl approach me.

- Hi, I am a big fan of you, can we take a picture?

I laugh and give her a big smile.

- With pleasure, come here!

- Thanks a lot!

- You're welcome, what is your name?

- Sarah

- Nice to meet you Sarah

- I am so happy to meet you. You have no idea how you helped me. Thanks to you I was able to come out, and I showed my parents your videos to help them understand. It took some time but you really helped.

I am moved by this girl. I wish her a good day and start to run back home. This meeting boosted me to finish the video and publish it. I am so slow sometimes to publish! After posting it, I go to the mall buying some food for dinner. I feel so lonely at home. My roommates aren't here, Cary isn't here... It's been a week since we broke up. It feels like it just happened. I am empty, and alone. Now I just focus on work and try not to think too hard on her... and Cam... Does she even think of me at all? Stop. I can't think about it.

I check my youtube channel and start to read the comment on my videos. I published it only few hours ago but there are already a lot of comments. Most of them are positive. Some are the classical "are you and Cammie ever getting back together?" Usually I don't really care but today it feels hard. I wish we could. In some comment, people are wondering why Fletch isn't with us. I have been quite about our relationship, not hiding it but not bringing her in my videos and calling her my girlfriend. Today though, I feel that I need to tell people that we are no longer together. All my friends already know it, hopefully the information reached Cammie to. I want to text her but don't want to oppress her. She needs space, I know her, and force her talking to me won't help me getting her back.

***

It has been a month and I still haven't heard from Cam... I thought she would have at least texted me to tell me not to wait for her. Lately I started feeling depressed. Again. When I thought I would never pass by those feelings again, here I am. I spend most of my day at home, watching some silly romantic comedies on Netflix and eating ice cream. I am such a cliché. I hear my phone ringing. Full of hopes, I answer the call.

- Hi

- Hi honey, how are you?

- Hi mom... I'm fine, and you?

I try to hide my deception but I know she will notice something's wrong

- What is going on? You don't seem fine...

- I...

- I know you miss me right? Why don't you buy fly tickets and come to see me! I would love that

I start to cry and laugh at the same time. My mom is the best.

- yea exactly. I will do that.

When talking to her about stupid stuff like the weather and how crowed is LA, I checked the fly tickets. There is one tomorrow in the morning. I tell her that I'll be home tomorrow and she seems more than happy. I missed my mom so much.

***

I am in Dallas now, with my mom. The other day, she called me to announce me that she finally found the house of her dream. I am genuinely happy for her. I decided to stay at her new home to help her repairing it. We started painting the living rooms. We have big plans for it. My mom is so happy about this new life starting, it is contagious. I always smile more when I'm with her, she is the best... my heroin. She is not fooled and know that something's wrong but we didn't talk about it yet. Time will come, for now, we focus on the house.

It is almost midnight and we finally stop working on the house to eat a well-deserved dinner. Finally ! I am starving! My mom is whistling when cooking.

- Mom, can I ask you something?

- Sure honey, whatever you want....

- Do you think... Do you think I made a mistake letting Cammie goes few years ago?

- What do you think?

She insists on the "you".

- I didn't really had a choice...

- Do you regret the time without her?

- I don't know... I just... miss her a lot

- But do you think you wasted your time with Cari?

- Of course not! I was happy with her and it helped me to grow and...

She starts laughing and I feel a bit irritated. Is she joking at me?

- Shannon, you answered you question...

I realized I did. But it is because I didn't ask the right question.

- Do you think Cammie is my true love and I will never be able to fully love someone else?

- When did you started believe in one true love?

- When I realized I was still in love with this stupid, incredible, amazing women after few years being involved with another one... It has been more than four years and I...

I am almost yelling at my mom and start crying.

- Calm down honey, just breath.

She hugs me and I feel a little bit better. My fists are clenched with rage, I can't contain this flux of emotions in me. I just want everything to be over. I want to stop thinking about her, and forget the pain in my heart.

- Shannon, you will be ok. Maybe you just need more time. Maybe you think she is the only one but you will heal, you will feel better, I promise.

- How long do I need!

- You will find the one for you, maybe she is just in the street waiting for you, or in a stupid bar, or even on the internet, waiting a message from you. I don't say right now, I say when you will be ready, and you will sometime. Now let us go sleep because we are not done with this house soon!

I laugh and try to smile.

- See, such a pretty girl with a big heart. You will find the right girl for you I promise.

I can't sleep. I try to focus on the positive stuff my mom told me. I need to be patient, I will heal. Maybe Cammie will come, or maybe I'll met another person I will fall in love with. Let see what the world is up to for me. Tomorrow is another day and I'll try not to spend too much time complaining about my sad love life. I will help my mom to make this house her paradise, continue to work and try to make this world a better place. I don't need anyone in order to do it and I'll just continue my life alone for a while!