I hadn't meant it to sound so gruff, but at the look on his face, I knew that's how it came out. Being with just Lessi for so long had caused me to lose any real sense of manners that I may have had at one time or another. Lessi knew me so well that I knew I couldn't offend her, even with my rough nature. This new group would be different. I supposed that I would need to hold my tongue a bit more around them.

I could see his shape walking off, the shadows making it hard to see any details. I probably looked like an idiot just standing there, staring at his retreating form. "Evrynn!" I regretted calling out the second that I did it, but I felt the need to say something to make up for my earlier misstep.

He stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"

"You could call me Chrissi, if you'd like," I shouted over to him. He hesitated for a moment, and then nodded. Without another word, he turned and walked back towards the camp.

I let out a breath, going over to Lessi's grave. I dropped onto the ground next to it, my hands reaching out to bring the stone I'd carved onto my lap. My fingers traced along the inscription, memorizing the indents to store away for a later time.

"Lessi, you wouldn't even believe what's happened these past few days. I don't even know if I believe it. Everything's changed. You're gone now, and that hurts. It hurts really badly. I still feel like I'm screwing everything up, and even if I'm not, I know you'd do a better job at figuring this all out than I am. I'm having a hard time knowing what to do, and what to say or think or believe. I wish you were here to tell me what to do.."

I ran a hand through my knotted hair, trying to calm myself. It all felt so overwhelming, but talking to Lessi helped a little bit. "And there's this guy. His name's Evrynn. I don't even know how to act around him. He's different from what I expected a politician's kid to be like. You told me about them, and I definitely expected him to be a lot more cocky and arrogant and self-centered than he is."

I laughed to myself quietly. "Although he does sometimes find himself a bit entitled to things, and he's pretty easy to offend. I guess that comes with not having much experience out here. I'm going to have to hold myself back some, or I'll upset all of them in the matter of a few days."

I could almost imagine Lessi sitting next to me, listening to me talk. In my mind, I saw her easy smile. I saw her hunched over some branches, working with them, and brushing her hair out of her face in the impatient way that she did. It ripped my heart to remember her, but I swallowed down the bad feelings. I wanted to remember her in a good way, not one filled with sadness.

I pulled my legs up to me, huddling into Evrynn's sweater. It was warm and comforting, and it made me feel as though someone was hugging me tightly. There was a slight smell to it that filled my head, and made me feel safe. It was unique, unlike anything I'd ever smelled before, and it was admittedly pleasant.

I shook my head, clearing it of those thoughts. Evrynn was simply a kind young man who had shown me compassion in a time of pain. That didn't make him amazing, that made him a decent human being. I had no time to contemplate attraction to him. Not only did I not know him, but I was in mourning.

I knew that I just wanted to be comforted, and so far he and Raith had done that. Not only that, but Evrynn reminded me of Lessi in a way. He was very giving, very willing to help, and very eager to do his best. Lessi had been like that too, although she'd had a lot thicker skin. Still, with time, Evrynn could be a very easy way to adjust to not having Lessi in my life.

I paused, shook my head, and pushed every thought of Evrynn from my mind. I was mourning Lessi, not thinking about someone who I was claiming could replace her. Something inside of me felt guilty for enjoying Evrynn's company, and for letting that thought slip through the cracks. No one could ever take her place. I wouldn't let them.

I lay down next to Lessi's grave, and wanted to cry. It felt as though I had cried for hours upon hours the past few days, and it seemed as though my tears had all dried up. My hand went out and rested on the cold, loose dirt covering Lessi's newly dug grave. I wished I could hug her one more time, tell her how much I loved her, and how grateful I was to her for everything she'd done for me. The last days of her life, I didn't do that. I didn't want to, because I convinced myself that doing so was admitting that she was going to die. It was denial. But now I regretted it. How I now wanted her last memories to be of me telling her of my love for her.

It was too late for that now. She was dead and buried, and there was nothing more that I would ever be able to tell her again, at least not to her face. I'd already talked to her, but I had no guarantee that she was listening.

I don't know when it happened, but I fell asleep with that thought it my head, the rock against my chest, and my hand on her grave.

So much for keeping vigil.

~

I woke to a rough shake. I bolted upright, and for a fleeting moment, I completely expected to see Lessi leaning over me with her wide grin, eyes glinting in the tiniest rays of morning light.

I didn't. Instead, I came face to face with Achlys. Her eyes carried a concerned look. "Evrynn told us you were spending the night here to keep vigil, so when you didn't respond I got worried that something had happened. I worry too much, but often times it's for good reason. Now sit up, so I know you're not in a coma," she ordered. I could tell that she was trying to maintain a light tone, but her voice carried hints of stress and anxiety, as if she really did want to make sure I wasn't injured.

I sat up, rubbing at my kinked neck. Falling asleep the way I had wasn't the best to help with soreness. "I'm fine. Thanks for checking on me though. I didn't mean to fall asleep.."

Achlys gave a short, breathy laugh. "You're exhausted. The past couple of days have been sheer chaos for you. I'm shocked that you even woke when I shook you. Losing someone you love really does take an emotional toll on your body that you can't even comprehend unless you've experienced it."

I nodded slowly, surprised at how easily she seemed to grasp it. Was it possible that she actually understood? "You seem as though you've had some of that experience yourself."

She shrugged softly, her shoulders only seeming to raise a fraction of an inch, her eyes not meeting mine. "I lost my parents to COMPOUND guards when I was eight. Both of them died in the same raid, after promising me that they'd come back. My older brother left the rebellion after that, and tried to go back to them. They killed him in cold blood once they'd gotten every bit of information from him that they could. They then used it to track us to one of our bases, and massacred everyone they could find. I was one of the lucky few to escape. So yes, I do know a couple of things about death and loss."

She reached up to discreetly wipe at her eye, while I could only gape. It seemed impossible to have lost that much at such a young age. Achlys looked to be in her late twenties at most, somehow having retained a youthful image despite her hardships.

"Wow," I whispered. "I can't imagine losing that much."

She snorted bitterly. "The sad thing is, I'm not even the one who's lost the most. Everyone's lost someone. Evrynn hasn't said anything to any of us, but we did some research on his situation to validate whether or not we wanted to recruit him. His mom was washed beyond reach, and they feed her food laced with medicine every morning to keep her alive. Not only that, but his sister's on the block to be married to a snot-nosed politician, who'll do the exact same to her. I don't know much about his father, but from what I could tell, he always seemed angry and distant. The poor kid struggles with it more than he cares to admit."

So that explained part of it. Evrynn had experienced losses, and though they were different from my own, I was sure they affected him just as much as mine affected me.

"You already heard part of Raith's story. His brother died under his care. What he didn't tell you is that he lost his mom in the same strike that took my parents. His father's still around, and is a high-ranking member of the rebellion. They don't see each other much these days. Tavion's dad ranks above Raith's-- he's the main strategist for the rebellion-- and he's always been pressured to follow in his footsteps. That's why he's out on this mission. He's my third, and he'll work his way up the ranks quickly. I don't know much about him other than the fact that his sister was captured by guards when she went out alone, and she hasn't been seen since. Lexter... well he keeps pretty quiet about himself. Some nights I wake up and hear him sobbing, and it breaks my heart to know how badly he's suffering. He's never told me what caused it, and I've never asked." Her voice trailed off, and I could see her thinking of all these members of her team.

The suffering that each had gone through was incredibly difficult to comprehend. But something irked me slightly. "Who is it that you think has lost more than you?" I was curious. Not that any one of those people hadn't lost significant things, but it seemed to me as though she'd lost the most out of them.

"I certainly think they've all suffered from huge losses. We all have. The person I was more referring to, though, was Iszak. His story... it kills me. Most people don't give it enough credit, but I can't stop thinking about how awful it would truly be. It's his story to tell, and one day you'll have to get him to tell it to you. I think it's something you'd understand. The others recognize his loss, but... something tells me you specifically would understand why I say his is worse than mine," her voice shook as she spoke, conveying her emotion to me.

I nodded that I would ask him. She took a deep breath, and let it out, white clouds forming in the air as she did so. "Are you okay, Christian?" Concern laced her voice. It was weird having someone other than Lessi show concern towards me.

"A bit overwhelmed, I guess. So much has happened the past couple of days. It's hard to keep up with it all. First Lessi, then you guys. It would've been hard to handle those on separate occasions, let alone at the same time." Achlys nodded slowly.

"I know. I'm sorry."

It was hard to dislike her. Everything about her oozed genuine. She really was sorry that she had come in and disrupted my life. Even though she didn't have any control over it, she regretted it because it had hurt me. It was very strange knowing that.

"It's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything to prevent it. In fact, it's probably better that it happened now. Maybe it will help me get over it sooner..." I couldn't say anything more, and false note that was carried by my voice rang out into the forest around us. We looked out at the trees, not saying anything for a while. The silence was companionable, but I felt as though I needed to say something. "Is it hard?"

Achlys looked over at me. "How could it not be? When my brother was little, maybe five years old, he lost one of his many toys. He cried for hours on end, screaming for my parents to find it for him. They didn't, and it seemed as though he carried on about it for months. Eventually it slipped his mind, and we didn't have to listen to him complain about it anymore. Although, there were some days when he would randomly ask about it, and he'd start crying all over again. Those spurts would upset him for weeks at a time, but they eventually went away completely, only to be replaced by other things.

"I suppose all loss is like that. In the beginning, it hurts more that can be explained. You're not the same for a long time. There's nothing that can prevent that, and you either let it out or you hold it inside. Doesn't matter which you choose-- the loss changes you either way. After that, you steadily think about it less each day. You're not forgetting, you're moving on. You're realizing there are still things to live for. And without knowing it, you don't notice the gap that's been left as much. There are other people, other ideas that take the space. They don't fill it completely, but it's harder to notice that it's there. Then, one day, you remember it. And it hurts, more than anything else ever could. It's so sharp. It's like walking on needles for a couple of weeks. It's still painful, but gradually you grow numb to it, almost to the point that you can't feel it anymore. Doesn't mean it's not there."

I nodded to show my understanding. I could already feel the beginnings of what she was describing. This one occurrence hurt more than I could care to describe. I knew it would continue to feel this way, for a long time. I hoped she was right that one day it would start to dull. The ache would never go away entirely, but one day, I would be able to move past it.

"Who filled that hole for you?" I asked rather suddenly. Achlys looked up at me, her eyebrows furrowed. "The hole your parents and brother left," I clarified.

She smiled softly. "Iszak did actually. It's kind of funny, but I guess we filled the gaps for each other. He was exactly what I needed to pull through. We met when he was seventeen, and I was fifteen. That was... well that was thirteen years ago now, I suppose. No one in the rebellion trusted him. No one knew how to act around me since my family was all dead. We were both outcasts, and as such, we got together I guess. It didn't start out romantic, not at all. He was my best friend and confidant. But it grew to be so much more than I could've possibly thought," she held up her hand to me, revealing a very simple band encircling one finger. "We've promised ourselves to each other. And I couldn't be happier. One day you'll find the right person for you, and they'll do just what Iszak did for me."

She got on her knees, and pushed herself up off the ground. "I'm going back. Iszak was up when I left, and I'm sure he'll worry if I don't return soon. As much as I worry, he's worse," she said with a tinkling laugh, letting me know that she didn't mind it. She patted my shoulder gently. "If you'd like to, you could come back with me," she offered lightly. "You will always be welcome with us."

Achlys hesitated by me for a few moments, then began her trek back to camp. I watched her go, as far as I could see her. I knew that once she arrived to where they were, she would be in Iszak's arms. A pang of jealousy flooded through me. I wanted that level of comfort.

I sighed unhappily. But I didn't want to let it come before my mourning of Lessi was sufficient enough. It was a battle inside my mind, and I hardly knew what to think anymore. Achlys had been a joy to talk with, but she hadn't clarified much. I supposed there wasn't much about grief that was clear anyway.

I wrapped my arms around my legs, planning to stay awake the rest of the night to keep my vigil. I lasted for quite some time, and the earliest rays of sunshine appeared on the horizon. That was the last memory I had before I fell back asleep, the sheer exhaustion caused by the events of the past couple of days catching up with me and overcoming me.

~

I stirred gently, feeling warm and very comfortable. Where am I..? I didn't want to open my eyes for fear of the pleasantness ending. The only thing interrupting my comfort was the jostling I got about every second. It almost scared me, but I felt completely safe and at ease. I curled myself into the warmth, but something in my mind wouldn't let me just lay there and enjoy it. What's going on? Open up your eyes!

I couldn't really resist, and so I did. I was met with a very firm, strong jawline. Was he... carrying me? I struggled in his arms, wiggling and squirming, and finally succeeded in getting his attention. Warm, inviting brown eyes looked down at me, carrying a hint of concern. Raith's eyes. "Put me down!" I ordered, a bit caught off guard by the whole situation.

He set me down quickly, and I looked around me, spotting Evrynn's blonde hair bobbing and swaying in the slight breeze several yards ahead of us, along with... what was his name again? It started with an L...

"Lexter," Raith's voice came, startling me. Did I say that out loud? My cheeks flushed, and I lowered my head to look at the ground where I walked so I didn't have to meet his eyes.

"Why didn't you just wake me?" I asked Raith, my voice low. "I am capable of walking on my own." Ouch. I hadn't meant it to come out so harshly.

He just laughed a little. "Achlys told me you'd had a bit of a long night, and you looked too relaxed. I couldn't bring myself to wake you. Everyone was kind of yelling at me, telling me it wasn't practical, but you're pretty light. I knew I could carry you."

"Well... thank you." It was kind of awkward between the two of us. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about him, other than I knew my feelings were mostly positive. He seemed very nice, smart, and helpful. He definitely had a way with salves and herbs. Not only that, but he was confident and strong. He wasn't someone to be trifled with. His shaggy brown hair hung into his eyes, making him look younger than he probably was. His grin was easy and goofy, giving him the appearance of someone who was casually confident.

I remembered what Achlys had told me last night, about how his father ranked pretty high up in the rebellion. I wondered if that was why he seemed so calm and at ease out here. His father had no doubt raised him to be comfortable in the forest.

At the same time, they all seemed pretty comfortable out here. Only Lexter came across a bit nervous, but I think that was more his personality in general. Even Evrynn seemed pretty calm out in the quadrants. I bet that would disappear once we reached rebel headquarters. For now, though, it was interesting to see a politician's kid so relaxed in what he was raised to believe was enemy territory.

"Christian!" I glanced behind me to see Iszak waving for me to come back to where he and Achlys were walking. I gave a goodbye nod to Raith, who smiled back at me, and then jogged to where they were. They both smiled at me broadly as I approached, putting me at ease instantly.

"We wanted to see how you were feeling this morning. Raith insisted on carrying you and letting you get more sleep, since you're still healing from your injuries. But now that you're up, we wanted to touch base," Achlys explained.

I smiled in my appreciation. "Thanks." Iszak small smirk returned, and I instantly thought of the conversation Achlys and I had had the night before. I wondered what his story was, but I knew that right now wasn't the right time to ask about it. "I'm feeling much better. Still feeling-- you know. But physically, I'm feeling better than I have in a while."

Iszak nodded and Achlys gave a small smile, but they stayed quiet other than that.

We walked along in silence for a while, just continuing on our way down the mountainous terrain. Tavion led the group, with Lexter and Evrynn following close behind him. Raith trudged along in the middle, and Achlys, Iszak, and I brought up the rear.

Iszak turned to me. "Do you hunt?" I nodded happily, then got stressed almost as quickly.

"Did someone grab my things from camp before we left?" I reached out to grab on Achlys' arm, my heart racing unnaturally fast.