《Rebuilding (COMPLETE)》*Episode 24 (6)
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No one else was on the Ghost when Anakin arrived, not even Kanan. He checked in his cabin, but even that was empty. Well, he probably left to get some fresh air. That's good, at least.
So then it became a search for the Jedi Knight. It wasn't hard, actually, he just had to go to the quietest place on base and Kanan was sitting there, kneeling facing the spider fence.
And he was fading.
Anakin's heart dropped when he realized it. He had seen this twice before: The first time was when Ahsoka had moved to the Lower Levels of Coruscant. He had sensed from a distance that she was disconnected from the Force. That happened suddenly, all at once. The second time had been after the Jedi Purge as Obi-Wan lost faith in his beliefs. His decline had happened slowly and gradually, much more like Kanan's decline was feeling.
No wonder Ezra felt like he couldn't depend on Kanan. Maybe he didn't understand it, but he probably felt the same shift in his master that Anakin did now.
He wanted to knock some sense into Kanan. He wanted to run over, shake him by the shoulders, tell him to get off his ass, and figure out what was going through his head. Anakin knew he could bounce back; everyone knew it. So why wasn't he?
Yet even as he thought it, he also knew dragging Kanan by the ponytail wouldn't solve anything. You couldn't force someone to recover, as enticing as it was.
As Anakin looked on, a daunting thought crossed his mind: what if he's not supposed to recover? It seemed like a stupid question on the outside, but O-Mer was still fresh on his mind. O-Mer had walked away from the Force nearly altogether. Anakin had supported his decision. If Kanan decided to do the same, Anakin was responsible for supporting that too... right?
Or was he? Was he supposed to guide Kanan to the right path? If that was the case, which path was the right one? Just because Anakin wanted him to continue being a Jedi didn't mean that his word was final. He was the Chosen One, but certainly not a god. If Anakin thought Kanan should recover, was that a nudge from the will of the Force or wishful thinking?
It had been hard enough to decipher his role when trying to maintain the Balance while also fighting Inquisitors and Maul. Somehow, it was even more difficult to do the same when trying to help his friends.
His gaze slipped past Kanan to the spiders outside the barrier. They were a mirror, of sorts. A mirror in the Force. When Anakin looked inside them, and inside himself, he saw... desperation. A desire to do something, to make things right, but the same helplessness that had plagued him all his life. He was chained, always chained by something. What was enslaving him now?
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He is conflicted, a voice said in his mind. Anakin didn't recognize it, but then again, it wasn't the first time people... or other things... had spoken in his mind. Who is he?
His name is Kanan, Anakin answered.
The voice didn't respond for a moment. He didn't know why, he had told the voice the truth. Who is he to you?
It figured. Whoever the voice belonged to didn't need to know a name. He's a friend. My friend.
Would you help your friend?
Always. I always would.
Why don't you help him now?
It seemed like a silly question, at least, until Anakin realized he had just as silly of an answer. Nothing was stopping Anakin from helping Kanan... but then why did Anakin feel conflicted about it? Why was he feeling torn apart about helping his friend?
A slow laugh rang in his head. Ah, you begin to see. Look closer.
Anakin closed his eyes and relaxed, leaning into his confusion. It wasn't a matter of what to do. He knew what to do; he had done it before. It would take time, yes, but Anakin felt as though he had time. He had said as much to Ezra when he offered to stay for a few more weeks. It certainly wasn't Rebel command that was holding him back. He had always had a certain disregard for the rules when it came to those close to him.
Whatever barrier that had sprung up in his mind had nothing to do with Anakin's capability. He was able to help Kanan. Either that belief was wrong, or it wasn't the problem.
Perhaps he felt just as helpless as he had in his childhood, but Anakin had learned a thing or two about humility. Can you point me in the right direction?
You are already facing the right direction.
Maybe he was wrong. Maybe there was nothing he could do to help Kanan-
-or maybe this voice was being literal.
You believe the spiders are a mirror? the voice asked, and Anakin opened his eyes. What do they show you?
He watched them for a moment. They were scuttling back and forth, looking at Kanan straight in the face but not approaching. They weren't willing to confront the Jedi, but they also weren't leaving. They seem fixated on him, almost as though they were trapped. Trapped by something that, otherwise, didn't affect them.
They don't want to move on; they're choosing not to move on, Anakin realized, and somehow, his heart dropped even further. He's choosing not to move on.
So help him.
Slowly, he remembered what he had told Kanan months ago when they had first encountered Jadis: 'I'm not going to make decisions for you.'
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Anakin had been wrong, just not in the way he had thought. He was perfectly capable of helping Kanan, but if Kanan chose not to move on, it didn't matter what Anakin was capable of. Just like with O-Mer, he couldn't force people to accept help or healing.
He didn't think it was the right decision. If it were up to Anakin, Kanan would open up right now and start down the road to recovery, but it wasn't his decision to make.
I sense your strength, the voice went on, probably having sensed that Anakin had an answer now. It makes you think you can do anything. Indeed, you probably could.
But I won't, Anakin admitted, breathing out. Not if he chooses otherwise.
So you understand. Your capability is not in question.
I understand, but I doubt this will be the last time I forget.
Hahaha. True strength comes in moments of weakness. How strong you must be. For now, remember this: if the only barrier between your friend and balance was your ability, then it would not be his journey but yours. Is this his journey, or yours?
His.
Good. It may destroy him.
I know. It's nearly destroyed a lot of people.
You don't seem concerned.
I believe in him. He will find his way again.
And what of you, o strong one?
Anakin would wait. He would wait for Kanan to find his way and be there when he did. Certain once more, he approached Kanan.
Once he got closer, Kanan sensed his presence. "Hey. I didn't realize you were here."
"I only got here about half an hour ago," Anakin explained, kneeling next to him. "I haven't been here long."
As he joined Kanan, the spiders reacted to his presence too. Of the three spiders that were there, one seemed to reflect Anakin more than the rest. It looked at the other two spiders for a moment, then turned and walked away from the base. He had a feeling the spider was going to the source of whatever voice Anakin had just conversed with.
Beside him, Kanan took out Ahsoka's lightsaber. "Ezra handed this to me not long ago. I've actually been meaning to ask about it, ever since Takobo."
Anakin accepted it back. "I've kept it as a reminder of everything that's happened. Not to mention, it comes in handy every once in a while."
"Yeah, I bet."
He gave the saber one last glance before he put it back in his pouch with the other. At that moment, he felt Ahsoka's wind pick up, but this time, it flowed toward one of the two spiders still present. The one on the left paused, then stepped away from Kanan and moved to the side. Anakin had a feeling the spider was now mirroring Ahsoka. How it was doing that when she was dead, he had no idea. Now, each of them had one mirror spider.
Speaking of, the spider mirroring Anakin hadn't left completely. It was peaking out from behind some plantlife, looking at both of the other two.
Ahsoka's wind began to surround Kanan. At the same time, Ahsoka's spider started hissing at Kanan's spider. It wasn't angry, but it did seem rather urgent. Anakin's spider crept back, coming closer again.
Having second thoughts, are we? the voice asked.
He looked at Kanan. Just some hope. For a moment, it looked like Kanan wanted to say something. Then he sighed, and the moment passed. Ahsoka's spider looked at Anakin's, pounding one of its legs into the dirt.
Yeah, I'm frustrated too, he thought. "I've got another mission," he told Kanan. "It can wait a few weeks, though."
"You should go," Kanan replied. "It's time to move on."
"Then why aren't you?"
Anakin's spider approached Kanan's again, with Ahsoka's spider looking on from the side. In a guarded voice, Kanan answered, "I need to recover first."
"Why aren't you recovering?"
"I just need time," he insisted, not facing Anakin. "I'll be fine."
Ahsoka's spider hissed more harshly, almost screaming. Kanan jumped back a little at the sudden sound, but Anakin didn't react. If Kanan was going to put up walls, then any attempt to push in further would be seen as an invasion.
It hurt. He knew that making a decision for Kanan was wrong but watching him spiral downward felt like watching a ship crash in slow motion. Anakin wasn't confused; in fact, he was quite certain, and that only made it hurt worse.
He stood up and rested a hand on Kanan's shoulder. "I'll be waiting when you're ready."
"Go ahead," he said. "I'll come back to the base in a minute."
Anakin lingered, hoping that some kind of lynchpin in Kanan's mind would release. He had no such luck: his head was locked up tight. Kanan had lost his confidence, and evidently, his trust in Anakin.
Both he and his spider walked away, while Ahsoka's spider stuck around, hovering near Kanan's. In his mind, Anakin heard the voice again. Strong, wise, and stubborn, I see. You still tried to reach out to him.
He glanced back, only once. I'll always keep reaching out to him. I'm not giving up just yet.
Good. Continue on.
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