to everyone i love,

1) i'm sorry i couldn't tell anyone about it. just that i didn't think anyone would understand: why i fill pillows with oceans at night. no one sees. no one sees my pain because i've become an actress and my life is only a movie that's not about me and only about my flawless facade. so i paint my fingernails red so no one can see the blood caked underneath them, i put makeup on so no one could see the broken hearts i scratch into my cheeks. i don't know when i became the monster i see in the mirror. no one sees, no one sees, not even you, the ones who love me (that are few)

2) whenever i tell anyone i want to die they call me selfish and make me consider everyone who would need me when i'm gone (but i don't want to be needed, i want to be wanted) and i don't want to live for everyone anymore but i can't live for myself because i'm not alive.

3) everyone is a liar. when i was young he lied to me that he loved me (but why? why did he scream strings of incoherent curses into my face why did he throw chairs at my mother why did he shred the sofa with broken bottles why did he leave?) liar, you're all liars. i lie. i lie to you i lie to him i lie to her i lie to me- i don't want to live a lie

4) does she care when i hurt all over (so much that i can't breathe, so much that i can't feel), does she care when she screams at me that my grades matter more than me while i die a little every moment being here? no, she doesn't

5) i just want to hurt all over and hurt everyone. i want to slice my skin off until the knife hits bone i want to run away and get high to the point that my intestines catch on fire i want to hurt i want to hurt myself i want everyone to experience my pain

6) i'm always too much or not enough. when i smile i'm told to be serious when i cry i'm forced to fake a laugh when i want to die i'm forced to exist (not live, exist.)

7) you know that i love you but i'm still learning to love myself, but it's been a year now and no progress. everything is too painful to live. it hurts so much, you know, being born with missing puzzle pieces. being in a public place and hurting so much that i fade into a corner. hurting so much that i see stars sometimes. pain. i can't love me because i am pain and pain is what ripped my heart straight from my chest

8) i'm so afraid. afraid of living afraid of dying afraid of my friends afraid of my enemies but most of all of myself. i'm so scared of me, of my capability of breaking my own heart and body. i'm so afraid of how much i can hurt you, and i don't want to want to hurt you (but i do everyday)

9) i trap myself in my own prison and i can't break free. how do i break free?

10) i lied. i said i'd give 10 reasons but there's only 9. i'm a liar (but it doesn't matter anymore.)

🌙