《Flashback {Toruka}》Flashback 28 (part 3)
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Silence. Nothing but complete lead proof silence. It enveloped the room tightly in armed tension. It's been minutes since Taka calmed down, and none of them dared to move a muscle. Only their heaving breaths broke the heavy stillness. Toru's arms where still around Taka, protecting him from some invisible threat, while Taka, sat motionless, the events that happened just countable minutes before left him stupefied. Just when he thought there wasn't anything worse that can happen. Just when he thought he could get over the accident once and for all. But who on earth was he kidding? He still can't walk down the pavement without clutching to Toru's shirt like a toddler holding on to his guardian. And of course, he never stepped a foot in a car after the incident.
"Taka, dear" Toru promptly broke the deafening silence, his voice so low that weren't it for Taka being so close, the words would've dissolved into thin air. "Won't you consider it again?" He inquired, a hint of desperation in his tone. "The psychologist I mean" he elaborated. He took Taka's silence as a sign of uncertainty, a press button for him to go on. "That was a panic attack wasn't it?" He calmy asked, although it wasn't quite calmness that he felt, it was exhaustion. "I've heard a bit about them, but never how to deal with them" he regretfully added, yet Taka chose silence. The guitarist's teeth audibly gritted, and his grip around his boyfriend fastened. It was Toru's turn to tremble this time, not from fear, but frustration. The realisation of his helplessness. He just sat there watching the one closest to his heart suffering, it was unbearable. Almost soundless, Takahiro shuffled out of the larger one's embrace. His arms steadily moved higher as his hands reached Toru's face.
"It's not your fault" his thumbs glided over his lover's cheekbones. "Look at me, I'm fine so" he forced a smile. "Don't blame yourself. You can do that for me right? It's painful when you blame yourself" Taka spoke, his voice equalling Toru's in volume. It was so gentle and soft, like a breeze in early spring. "I don't want to go to a psychologist Toru" he confessed. "I'm scared...and...unsure. I can't trust anyone so easily" his hands now slid to Toru's hair, to the back of his neck. "So bear with me a bit longer, please?" Their foreheads now bumped softly, and Taka flashed a timid smile. Toru's eyes fluttered to a close, and he let a sigh escape him. His lips now replaced his forehead, tenderly brushing over Taka's temple. "Why are you so stubborn?" He asked in defeat, and Taka looked pleased with himself. He then moved forward again, forcing his way through Toru's embrace, the place that seemed the safest he could ask for.
Days passed, and Taka's recovery process continued. Everything was quiet between the two, but it was comfortable as well. The vocalist would often pass behind Toru, glancing at his laptop screen out of curiosity. The latter would be reading ways to stop panic attacks. Moriuchi secretly sniggers to himself, then waves in a panic when Toru jokingly accuses him of privacy invasion. Like that their times passed, with a little sprinkle of Ryota and Tomoya's visits.
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Toru flopped on the couch with an audible breath, his head tilted to the ceiling. Taka, who was unnoticed as he sat beside him, touched his arm gingerly. "Are you tired?" He questioned, pressing the muscle in the limb he held. The blonde shook his head, then groaned as his phone rang again. "Don't you want to pick up?" Taka commented with curiosity as Toru wasn't one to ignore anyone. Moriuchi watched as the phone was slid away, and he only talked again when the caller hang up. "Toru?" He pestered, and the guitarist didn't seem ready to answer. "They're only my friends, it's okay" he dismissed, but Taka's brows met. "It's not okay though?" He tried a peaceful approach, yet Toru ignored him. In anger, he grabbed Toru's phone, and slid the notification panel. "If you don't answer me I'm going to read them myself" he pouted, but Toru only muttered "suit yourself"
The frontman's cheeks puffed higher,and he went through the message notifications he only just noticed
He read, but the messages extended on and on, even some came in while he held the device. "Where you going somewhere?" He concluded, only receiving a voiceless nod from Toru. "And why aren't you going anymore?" He pursued, Toru's passiveness tugging at his patience. He set the phone back in place, glaring at Toru's features. "Why are you not going?" He asked again. "Did you fight? Aren't you feeling well? Toru you need a change of surroundings once in a while, you've been stuck with me ever since we stopped touring" he ranted, and Toru let out a sound only classified as frustration. "I don't want to leave you alone okay!?"
Silence, again, thundered in the room. Taka's cheeks steadily blossomed into rose. "W-wha..w-why..." he touched the heat on his face. "Because I love you" Toru replied bluntly. "But we've always spent time apart" Taka replied, though Toru hated it. "Things were different" he muttered. A smile broke on Taka's lips, and he reached out to the blonde strand he found hovering over Toru's features, tugging it behind his ear. "It's okay" he assured. "I'll be completely fine, go out and have fun" he softly whispered. "But it will be a stormy night, it's already dark" Toru closed his eyes, sinking in his lover's palm. "It'll pass by" Taka countered. "Thank you for being here for me, but go ahead and meet your friends okay?" Taka looked directly into Toru's eyes, who nodded slowly, though not so convinced.
Taka's gaze softened, and his face approached Toru. Only a little tilt separated their lips as they dove into each other's eyes, steadily heading to a close. Their lips met, slow and sweet, yet their love passed through it, efficient and strong. They smiled at themselves as their lips melted into one another before breaking it, both of them secretly longing for the warmth of the other.
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"Take care of yourself" Toru said as he stood at the door, his hand sliding over Taka's face one last time before he exited. If he were to tell the truth, Taka felt the house suddenly expand when Toru turned his back, and the feeling of safety slowly stretched as the guitarist's steps increased, until it snapped. Now Taka stood in the hallway, rubbing his arms to counter the sudden coldness he felt. Nevertheless, it's not like he could tie Toru down to his side all the time, he knew that better than he liked to. But it was reality.
Toru felt a light tap on his shoulder and he looked to his side. "Are you listening?" He heard his friend ask, but he wasn't concentrating. "You've been spacing out a lot today" there, he hit the nail on the head. "I'm not" Toru waved his hand in dismissal, only to sink into his world again. His mind was far away, all the way in their home. Was Taka okay? He didn't get another panic attack right? Did he really want him to go? Questions hailed into his aching head, so focused that he didn't notice a little cold droplet collide with his nose. Should I give him a call? And maybe he better come along next time. Deeper and deeper Toru swam in his thoughts, not noticing his friends dragging him out of the pouring rain, or his drenched attire. A sudden flash of light blinded his eyes, he barely had time to process what that was before a booming thunder clap had shaken the core of his being. His head snapped up with a start, vivid dread lightening his dark pupils. He only spoke one word, louder than the screaming rain, before he ran like a bolt. "TAKA!"
His lungs were burning, his entire body as if thrown in a freezing pool. He clumzily unlocked the door and rushed inside, the times Taka scolded him to take off his muddy shoes long forgotten. As he rushed into the living room, his eyes anxiously scanned the area, but Taka wasn't there. "Taka? Where are you?" He tried, but none answered. Two angry clouds slammed into one another, and a shriek followed. Toru, who had been as still as a statue, regained his senses and followed the direction of the voice. His heart hampered around his ribcage. At the sight he met in the kitchen, not only was it racing, but his heart was aching as well. He took a moment to calm himself down. He can manage, he studied a lot, he has to manage, he promised.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped towards the isle. Under it, he observed as his knees met the grown silently, was a quivering Taka. His hands were tightly clapped over his ears, his eyes shut tightly. Silent tears were streaming down his colour drained face, his petite stature furiously quaking. He huddled himself into a whimpering ball, so vulnerable in front of the wrath of nature. At that moment, Toru couldn't tell if the lack of breath was because of Taka's heavy sobbing or his panic attack, all he knew was that he had to help. He knew the storm would trigger an attack, yet he still left him alone. Cursing his own stupidity, Toru grabbed both of Taka's arms. "Taka, look at me!" He called over Taka's cries, pulling the fragile being towards his sturdy self.
Toru rubbed Taka's back gently, assuring him that he wasn't alone. "Taka" he said again, calmer that time. He said it over and over like an enchantment, until Taka regained enough consciousness to open his eyes, though his tears were still streaming. "Let it pass, it's okay" he encouraged, his hands holding Taka's face this time. "Breathe in slowly okay? Slowly. Look at me" he talked non-stop, and only little reached Taka. "Yes...let it out..through your mouth.." he breathed, pausing sometimes as Taka's body jerked. "See" Toru muttered. "I'm here" he reassured over and over. "It's all fine now, we're at home, nothing can hurt you" he hugged Taka to his wet body, his large hand protectively casing Taka's head under his chin. "Breathe slowly, as slow as you can" he mumbled. When another thunderbolt crashed, the guitarist felt his lover yelp fiercely. However, opposite to what Toru anticipated, it wasn't the start of another attack. "T-toru...?" He heard the vocalist weakly stutter, and his grip tightened. "Yes Takahiro, it's me. I'm here" he replied, his hand sliding to the small of Taka's back.
Steadily, Taka's breathing went back to normal, so did his pacing heart. Once he was back to normal, he peeked into Toru's features, though there wasn't any attempt to move from the embrace of the blonde guitarist. Moriuchi broke into the weakest smile he could muster, only then noticing how drenched Toru was, letting out a small giggle at that. Toru sighed in relief, taking in how Taka looked. At that point, he didn't even know if Taka's hair was damp with sweat or water from his own clothes. All he knew was the affection he felt as he walked his fingers through the raven nest, finally able to draw a smile of his own. "Thank you" Taka whispered, burying his face in Toru's chest once again. He knew, that no matter how long it'll take them, they were going to get over it, together.
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