I woke up and I was wondering why I got out of bed at all. The morning clouds up my window. And I can't see at all... And even if I could it'd all be gray... But his picture on my wall... This ain't a feeling I can keep... I miss Nick so much and I'm so tired, yet so angry... Or is it anger? I feel so many emotions. But I can't hate anyone, I'm too young to hate someone. I can't drown these static noises, I just need some shelter to hide. My mind gets dark and ominous, I don't feel like anyone...

I grabbed my phone, I didn't know why, I just felt like I had to see something... I saw I had a lot of notifications while I had my phone on sleep mode. The first thing I saw was a tweet...

WHAT IN THE FUCK?! I screamed out loud, as I threw my phone away from me to the wall. My phone shattered to pieces and I did not know it anymore...

I grabbed the car keys of my Ferrari 488 and drove away, I didn't know where I was going, I just wanted to get away... I stepped more and more on the throttle, still hypnotized by the pain, still going insane from this boy. Out of control... I floored it out of the corner, it was all clear, I was going way beyond the speed limit, I have never gone this crazy but I don't care anymore.

I gave you whatever wanted, I accepted every-fucking-thing about you and you do this... I came to a corner, I just knew it was flat out, despite never driving this fast.

I went on beyond the 124 mph mark, gripping tighter and tighter into the wheel, I couldn't explain this sudden urge to push my car so hard... I saw a turn approach, I stepped on the brakes to slow the car down and it did, I cleared the corner easily and went early back on the power, my rear end started to step out as a result of the traction loss on the rear axle loss and I instinctively counter steered, assisted by the cars inbuilt traction control I managed to catch the slide, just like Y/N...

That instantly brought me back to my senses, Y/N... I can't die in a car crash... It would scar him for life... The thought of that hurt me, so bad I started crying, not because of Nick, but the cause of Y/N, if I ever came to die, perhaps he'd never race a car again... That made me feel so guilty, I felt like throwing up, I parked the car beside the road, bent over and vomited my morning coffee out. When I was finally done I just went home, crying my heart out on the route back.

I slept very well, despite the weather being terrible all night, the track must be all green again, all the grip that was generated yesterday is gone and the track state is back to where it was in FP1, I was ready to get in again and I was in a good mood.

When I arrived in the garage, there was music being played loud.

The first song I heard when arriving was Danger zone by Kenny Loggins, a song I knew by heart and I started to join the mechanics into singing the song.

I'm not a great singer by any means, but if I like the song good enough I'll sing it regardless.

I quickly checked my phone while my mechanics finished off the remaining procedures.

I read my Twitter and read a news article...

That triggered something within me, I despise cheaters, it's a sensitive topic within me...

Back when I was around 7, he came home late at night, it had been raining all day. Mother was overworking to finance my racing career, we were quite wealthy, but my dad, mother and even myself had to work 5 days a work to finance the costs of a go kart, I drove on my bicycle each morning before school to deliver the newspaper to everyone in town. My father was an accountant and my mother was a hair dresser. I was still up, waiting for my father to come home, my dog beside me comforting me from the heavy rain... There he was, not expecting me to be awake, he brought in a woman I had never seen in my life, she was dressed very differently then I remember my mom being. My dad opened the door and entered the living room, clearly suprised by the fact that I was still awake, he screamed all sorts of things at me.

Y/N, GO TO BED, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AWAKE YOU RAT! I still remember those firm words, he said those, before he walked up to me and started to beat me down. slap after slap, until my mother walked in; she came back from home early because of the storm.

She was shocked when she saw my dad hit me, my screams, the poor woman was already overly stressed from work, only to come home to find her husband cheating on her and her only child being beaten down.

I was supposed to have a baby brother that same year, but the baby had died after 2 weeks, his lungs never worked like they should. With that in her mind, my mom got in a state of rage, I've seen her like that twice in my life and I'm still scared about that.

She pulled my dad of me and they started a fight. The woman my dad brought in ran out in terror and called the police. Later she described my mother as a psychopath. For court it was clear my mother was only trying to protect me and gave my dad a prison sentence for 1 year and a restraining order on me and my mother.

The punishment didn't satisfy me, I missed a parent figure, my mom and I lived with the dog in a simple apartment, still traumatized from what had happened on that unfaithful night. Luckily for us, the kart track owner heard what happened and offered me and my mom a place to store my go kart and a van with a trailer to move all the equipment we needed everywhere.

We had it tricky though, the whole process in court had it's toll on my mother and before I knew it, she had a burnout. Suddenly, it was on me to keep the food on the plate for me, my mother and our dog.

Y/N/BSF's family came in to help us, they were a karting family as well, they brought us 3 meals a day, gave me spare parts in case I needed em, took care of the dog whenever me and my mom had to travel for my racing career (Y/N/BSF ran in different karting series and we often had totally different schedules) and took us with them on family trips.

My mom was quite handy with tools as well, so we would often prepare and maintain the kart ourself. It helped me understand the kart better and it improved the mother-son relation a lot.

Luck finally came in at the tender age of 15 years old, after a very wet race on the Misano go kart track, a man I didn't know walked up to me. He introduced himself to me as a scout from the Ferrari Driver Academy, aka the FDA. I instantly felt my heartbeat race.

He told me that they've been watching my results a lot lately and wanted me to do a few testing sessions in a Formula 3 car, with the intention to let me drive in the FIA Formula 3 series, the next season, In a Prema.

I was shocked, they would finance my whole racing career and this was my chance to move up to actual race cars and me and my mom could finally live on with less pressure!

The test suprised the Prema engineers and the next season I dominated F3 in my rookie year as a 16 year old. From there on I moved up to F2 as not just a 17 year old, but a future Formula 1 talent. The rest is history.

I'm still fucking grateful for Y/N/BSF and their family, if it hadn't been for them, I don't know where I would have been. I still pay them back by giving them regular visits and giving em access to all the F1 races they want. In some races I even invite em to watch from the garage, along my mother and a lot of other famous people.

I stepped into my car, went through the procedures and drove out.

Something felt off, I kept my mind on Madison...

I finished my fast lap and let someone pass me before turn 1 and accelerated again, but I was unaware that there was another car approaching fast, as I moved back to the racing line, I quickly saw someone move closer and closer, I tried going back to the inside but it was too late, the other driver struck my rear left. I lost control and spun into the gravel trap. I hit the tire wall softly, I tried to get out, but the car was beached.

Switch the engine off Y/N. I heard from Jeff on the team radio.

I did, I removed my steering wheel, undid my headrest and seat belts and climbed out.

I looked at where the other car was supposed to be and I saw it lie upside down to the tire wall.

I sprinted towards the strucken car and found out it was an Alpha Tauri. The driver managed to climb out on his own; it was Pierre, he was still shaken from the crash.

I quickly ran towards him to check and apologize.

You okay man? I asked genuinely concerned.

Yeah man, fucking hell. He said, clearly in pain.

Sorry about that, I just misjudged your approaching speed, thought you were much further away. I explained.

And I just outbroke myself, the distance was big enough for you to move back to the raceline, but I came in way too hot. Admitted Pierre.

Glad you're okay man, but what about your car? I asked, feeling guilty.

Yeah it is what it is, it's also partly my fault. Said Pierre calmly.

I gave him a tap on the shoulder and we both waved to the crowd, to let em know we were okay as we walked to the medical car to drive us back to the garage.

I was still upset with myself, that was a stupid mistake, I thought to myself.

I walked to the garage, the mechanics rushed to me as I kept looking to the ground. They patted me on my helmet, but I wanted to stay alone, I felt so guilty, as it will be hard working to get the car back for qualifying later on the day. I explained what happened, or rather, tried to explain what happened exactly, to my mechanics and apologised, I didn't know at all what happened to me and I couldn't explain it, all know is that I took away their lunchtime.

Jeff walked towards me, asking if I wanted a private room to calm down, but I rejected the offer, I wanted to help restore the car, just like I used to do when I crashed my kart. And so it happened. the car got back to pitlane and we instantly started working on it.