"Sam's not with you today?" Jane Kingsly asked as Colby settled down on the adjacent sofa, his hands clasped together as he stared at the ground. Ever since what happened... All the progress they had made completely shattered then and there. Sam was getting worse and worse and it naturally had an affect on Colby, his best friend and lover.

He couldn't handle just sitting there and watching the person he cares so deeply for tear himself apart. Colby wasn't going any better mentally. The trauma was only an addition to his mentality but the thing that was mainly causing suffering to him was watching Sam turn into what he was. A skeptical, paranoid and anxious mess. The things and the trauma that he had before that experience in the car, had become ten times worse. It was almost impossible for Colby to leave the house without Sam sticking to him.

Sam had no idea that Colby was seeing Jane right now. In fact, he had no idea Colby had left yet because he was a sleep when Colby slipped out of the house. Colby had to talk about it to someone that wasn't delusional. He had to talk to a professional, though Jane was not someone he was close enough to trust heartily, she was his best shot right now.

Maybe he and Sam were going insane with trauma, which would not be a surprise when taking into consideration all they had been through but- Colby wanted to know what he could do. He couldn't stand it. Quivering and trembling in fear while also trying to reassure his even more horrified boyfriend. He wanted to be strong for Sam, he wanted to help. But he couldn't do it alone.

"No", Colby closed his eyes as his leg bounced up and down, the clear discomfort of not being near Sam already showing in his features and body language. In all these months, he and Sam were absolutely inseparable. They stuck together like they felt they'd die without the other at their side, like if they left for even a second and came back, the other would be gone. Sam was more severe in this regard than Colby was but that didn't make it any easier. "Sam was asleep when I left. He's been taking sleeping medication lately because he's had trouble sleeping, he doesn't know I'm here and I don't think he knows I've left yet", he glanced at his phone before looking back at her.

He knew the moment Sam woke up and recognized Colby's absence he'd do three things in order. Start calling out to Colby. Start sobbing when he realised he wasn't in the house. Then he'd call Colby's phone and probably beg him to come back. It wouldn't even matter to Sam about where Colby left to, it would've been the fact that Colby wasn't there that would make him lose his shit.

"Why doesn't he know you've come to see me?" Jane asked as she organized some documents and stood up from her desk to sit in the plush chair near the sofa Colby sat on, crossing one leg over the other as she gazed at him.

"Multiple reasons. Some of which I'm sure you'd figure out without me having to say", Colby looked up into her eyes for only a moment before he looked back down at the floor. That was another issue he had developed. He couldn't look most people in the eye anymore. He could only look at Sam, and in his gaze he could just barely recognize the person he used to be. The person Sam was and the person Colby was before- it all went to hell. Colby wanted to revive those kids they were, maybe not the idiocy those kids had, but he wanted bring the light back into his loved ones eyes.

For some reason, Colby felt that if he could restore Sam back to the way he was, Colby would be corrected likewise. All he cares about was Sam's well-being. He hated watching him suffer. It was painful for him to watch, knowing he couldn't do anything to dull the pain he was going through. Colby has dismissed his own emotions to care for Sam's. Though he knew that wasn't the healthy option at all, he couldn't help it. He loved Sam to death.

To death.

"Possibly", she clicked her pen. "But not all of them".

"You remember the last time we came here? He can't talk about his feelings to people he doesn't know. Fuck, he can barely talk about his feelings to our close friends..."

"But he can confide in you?"

"Yeah..." Colby oddly enough felt ashamed of saying that, even though he knew it wasn't his fault that things had turned out the way they had. He didn't want to be the only person for Sam to rely on. He wasn't stable enough for it but he would be that person for as long as Sam needed him to be that person.

"What brought you here then? You didn't seem so keen on opening up that day likewise", she cocked her eyebrows at him and Colby looked up at her again, but this time he held the stare for longer.

"Don't get me wrong... I don't take pleasure in coming here to vent to you. Professional or not you're a stranger but... Still a professional and I... I don't know what to do anymore", he broke the eye contact between them to duck his head and ball his hair in his palms. He had so few people he could talk to. He couldn't talk to Sam completely because he felt if he told Sam how suffocated he felt- That would no doubt only make Sam panic. He didn't want to leave Sam, that was nonnegotiable. No matter how unhealthy their relationship was, he still loved him. He could recall that he had loved him even before the occurrences that caused all this shit in the first place. He would be fine with spending less time with him... in slow processes so they could become less overly dependent on one another, but he knew- he knew Sam couldn't handle that disconnection just yet.

"I understand", Jane sighed before she took a moment. "I want you to tell me what happened Colby. This recent experience you had that you told me on your email. The one that destroyed all your progress. Tell me what happened", she said, though it was blunt and straight to the point, Colby preferred it that way. He didn't want to beat around the bush with vague questions and sugarcoating, it seemed she understood that just as well.

Colby tried to describe the experience as best he could and he realized... the more he told her, the more crazy he started to sound, but Jane never gave him a look of condescending or judgement that made him feel stupid, she just nodded and jotted a few things on her clipboard. He imagined she was writing something like 'batshit crazy' but in more intelligent speech.

By the end of his rant she remained silent, tapping her pen on her clipboard as she stared at the words she had written. Colby wanted for her to tell him it was based on delusion or additional trauma, but she didn't say any of that. "Did Sam experience the same things you had that day?"

Colby blinked and swallowed dryly. "Yes".

That made her frown deeply as she stopped tapping her pen on the board. "If it had just been you to have seen these things, I might've suspected you have some sort of schizophrenia or psychosis but since Sam experienced the same sights... Colby you must know how difficult it is to understand when it's just you here telling me all these things..."

"I know but... Sam is..."

"Disillusioned?"

"Paranoid and anxious", Colby said slowly. Sam wouldn't want to come back here. One part of Colby didn't want to bring Sam here again because she may suggest the same thing... To separate them, even though Colby knew that would be best for them and it wasn't like it would be a permanent thing. Though... Colby didn't feel ready for that.

"Listen-" Colby interrupted her.

"The only reason I came here is because I'm losing it", Colby said sharply, not making a very strong eye contact to show how serious he had become about this discussion. "He had because weak and vulnerable. He's fragile and jittery and I don't- what can I do to help him if I myself feel just as destroyed as he is? I may not seem it on the outside but I'm cracking here", Colby allowed a few tears to surface his eyes as he smiled cynically at her. He found no amusement in the situation but he still smiled.

"I can sense it Colby".

"Good then you should know how fucking hard I am trying to be the strong one for him. He's slipping away and I feel like he's losing who he was. We've been through fucking hell but- I want to be like one of those documentaries where people make those extraordinary recoveries from close to destruction to being at least slightly normal. I know I can't take away the trauma but I want him to feel... Safe in his own skin".

"I understand that Colby, but you must realize this. You are not going to fix him on your own", Colby was becoming impatient.

"You think I don't fucking know that? Why the fuck do you think I came here? I came here to ask for help, not for you to tell me shit I already know! I'm telling you I can't do it for much longer by myself. It breaks me every time I see him cry, shake or wake up in the middle of the night screaming from nightmares. I can't- I love him so much", Colby was now shaking. He couldn't tell whether it was his despair for his partner, his anxiety or frustration that was making him cry.

"There's only so much I can do", Jane stared as she leaned forward in his seat, giving him a look of pity which he absolutely hated. He hated people pitying him or Sam. Your fucking sympathy is not going to fix us you dolt. "Colby- I need you to try and bring Sam here again. By himself", Colby laughed at that.

There was no way in hell Sam would cooperate with being in a room alone with her. Sam could barely tolerate breathing unless Colby was right beside him. It was like-

Before Colby could even think about the ridiculousness of her suggestion, his phone rang and as he suspected... It was Sam. He picked it up and brought it to his ear, he expected to hear sobbing, his lover whimpering about how scared he was and how he needed Colby there immediately.

The line was silent though. "Sam?" Colby said as he glanced at Jane who had her fingers interlaced as she watched him. "Sam?" Colby said again before he heard a deep exhale and a chuckle.

It was definitely Sam, but it was almost hard to imagine it really being him because he sounded so... Calm.

"Colby", Sam's voice said his name.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know where you are", Sam's voice said, a loud thud echoing in the background. "But I hope you come home soon. We miss you".

____

I've been binging their videos lately because I've missed out on so much and the most recent Queen Mary video they made a while ago with Kian and JC had me inspired to do this.

Sorry for taking so long though!