《Love Child》42- Epilogue
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Three years later, Eleanor Gordon published her anthology of poems titled 'Micah' that immediately sky rocketed to best sellers lists around the country. She used some of that money to go to school to become a social worker.
Here are some of the poems from that anthology.
12 years old is too young to know the taste of a cock,
But you didn't ask how old I was,
I don't think that you even cared.
Tell me, did it feel good to take everything from me?
Had my body, my tears, and my soul,
In the palm of your sweaty hand.
16 years old is too young to binge drink through my pain,
But if I was sober every time
You knocked, I'd have died by 18.
Tell me, could you smell the cheap alcohol on my breath
When you forced your nasty lips to mine?
Or how I slurred when I begged you to stop?
18 years old is too young to be left all alone
In a world full of monsters like you.
There are so many men like you.
Tell me, do you miss me now that I've gone away?
Miss my body, my tears, and my soul,
That you once held in your palm?
I am 22 now and I'm still too far too young.
But would I ever be old enough?
Age doesn't give you that kind of strength.
So I sit, left alone since eighteen, binge drinking like I learned at 16 to forget the cock that I first tasted at 12.
I remember one time,
I asked him why he did this.
Because I couldn't understand
How a human could not care
So much about the pain he caused.
He said, "girl, I'm just bored
Of the routine I've got here.
I go to work then I go home,
My wife nags, the children whine.
And with you, it all just pauses."
And I started to cry.
I didn't want to be just
a pause button on his remote.
Every time he pushed me,
My battery would drain some more.
I suggested some other
things that could interest him.
I said, "you could golf or play cards,
watch sports, learn to knit. But please,
Please just don't touch me anymore."
I thought that I could show
him how badly I was hurt.
I told him, "When you use me to
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pause your stupid little life,
It's like I am stuck in rewind."
I could tell that he didn't
care all that much about me
Because he laughed and told me to
"suck it up, my little girl,
we're paused. And all we've got is time."
I never understood why I felt forgotten
Because to be forgotten, somebody must
have thought of you at some point.
But nobody ever thought of me.
I was not forgotten, I was just alone,
But I always felt like everybody who
was supposed to love me had
forgotten to love me somewhere down the line.
Alone at 8 years old is a scary place to be
And I didn't know where to go, I was lost.
What the hell was I supposed to do?
Just one tiny stupid girl against the big bad world.
But the moment—the very first moment
That I looked into his eyes, I didn't feel lost
anymore. I knew that I had a purpose
And it was to protect his eyes from what mine have seen.
So when things got rough, I wanted to run
but he wouldn't let me. He didn't do
anything on purpose, never asked me not
to leave like I wanted to. It was his eyes that made me stay.
He needed me like I needed somebody when
nobody was there. But for him, I was there
And I was the only one. I couldn't leave him
here alone. He would hate that place that I came from.
Eventually, he knew that when I was sad,
He'd see the tears and then just sit down
with me and put his hand on my arm and
he'd whisper, "I'm here. Why are you feeling sad today?"
But of course, I never gave him a real answer
because it was my job to protect him from
the reasons that I was sad. So that he would
never have to be sad like me. I protect him, that's my job.
But that kid will never know how many times he's saved my fucking life.
I will kiss you
I will fuck you
I am yours for the night.
Just tell me what
you want tonight
I will make your dreams come true.
I'm expensive
but I'm the best
Because I know what you really want.
You want the sex
but that's not all
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You want somebody to hear you
in a world that never listens.
I will fuck you
I'll blow your mind
but after that, you'll tell me what you're thinking.
I'm expensive
but not because
I have sex with you the way you like.
My body is just
a body.
You buy me for
my listening
because you need to be paid attention to.
I will give you
the illusion
that I care about your problems.
That's all you need
the illusion
but once I count your bills, I'm on to the next
sad rich man that needs to be heard.
The first home that I ever lived in
was a condo near a lake
and it always smelled like smoke.
Mom went through a pack a day.
She said that it helped her feel calm
when she got anxious.
But she had an anxiety disorder
and she was always very anxious.
The second home that I lived in
was a small shack in D.C.
and it smelled like rotten garbage
because it was right next to a landfill.
I didn't live there very long but I
remember the kitchen well
because my mother covered the floor
in her blood when the cigarettes couldn't calm her anymore.
The third home that I lived in
was a big house in a suburb,
and it smelled like whiskey
because he loved his whiskey.
The whiskey made him horny and so
I learned to hate the smell.
Because it's all that I could inhale
when he got on top of me.
My new home is number four
and it's a tiny apartment
and it doesn't smell like anything
because it is brand new and all mine.
The smell of smoke makes me choke,
the smell of trash makes me think of blood,
the smell of whiskey makes me gag,
But the smell of nothing comforts me and it's mine.
I watered you, nourished you,
I guarded you with my body.
Hunched over with my back to the world
like a shield protecting a treasure.
I watched you grow in the safety
of my protection.
I guarded your blooming buds
from the rain, and the snow.
My body was wet, and frozen.
My spine ached from bending
over you for so long. I was tired.
But I was strong, and I stayed bent.
The back that I held like a shield over you
had been stabbed by a man
many times, as I whispered to you
that the world was beautiful.
And you grew, believing that the world
was beautiful.
Because you could not see the bleeding
wounds that I hid on my back.
I made sure your soil was pure from my blood
as I watched you grow until you could see.
You were no longer small enough to be protected
by my tired shield.
The first snow was the hardest
because I wanted to lean over you again
to protect you from the cold.
It's all I've ever done, my only purpose.
But you stuck your tongue out,
and licked the snowflakes out of the air.
You braved the storm with a strength
that I saw in myself when I became a shield.
That strength is in our roots.
The strength within us that looks at a
blizzard and decides to make the best
of a spinning disaster.
I watered you, nourished you,
I guarded you with my body.
You grew into something
more beautiful than I had ever hoped.
I remember
The first time i saw you
When your eyes were still alive
And glimmering
Like light piercing through the ocean waves
Happy and content
I remember
When your hair was still curly
And that rusty red-brown-bronze color
That made knots form in my stomach
Each and every time you ran your hand through the strands
You hated it
Every rusty
Red
Brown
Bronze
Strand
And I loved it
And I loved you
I still love you
No matter how much you changed
No matter how you have no semblance of love for me
No matter
You weren't skinny
You were covered in pimples
And black heads
And scars
And stretch marks
And curves
All these signs
All these marks
Show that you lived
That you're alive
You hated them too
You dyed your hair blonde
Empty
Artificial blonde
That looked nothing like gold
Not even the fake gold painted on fake wedding rings
But you thought it did
Your eyes sunk into the abyss
They're now dark
Dead
Cold
They're an imposter with the same colors
That I fell in love with
Your scars didn't heal
In fact
you added more
They covered the stretch marks
And the freckles
And the beauty spots
They covered the beautiful constellations
Knitted across your body
Telling their wise tales
With darkness
You thought you'd be happier
Changing who you are
Not eating
Punishing your body
Darling, I can see your bones
I can see your body screaming
I can see you screaming
But, Baby, how can you be happy
When you stare into the mirror
And never be satisfied
By pushing everyone away
Everyone that loves you
How can you be happy
When you can't recognize who you became?
Because I remember
(-
The agony comes in tumultuous waves
each stronger than the last
I always try to stand tall and
pray that they will pass
But as the water throws me down
and leaves me nearly dead
I lay there remembering
that I wish that you had said
"you're worth it, and I'll never let you go"
But the truth is, you never taught me how to surf and now I hardly know
(-
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