I am alone.

The weight of love

Has buoyed me up

Till my head

Knocks against the sky.

See me!

My hair is dripping with nectar—

Starlings carry it

On their black wings.

See, at last

My arms and my hands

Are lying idle.

How can I tell

If I shall ever love you again

As I do now?

On Monday, it's back to work.

I pick up the documents that Harrison had requested and then I get to work at my desk. I'm always glancing over at the couch though, missing the last few weeks where Micah was sitting there to look at. I've also got a headache because of the alcohol that I'd had to drink last night but I took some aspirin this morning, so it's manageable.

Harrison, who had a meeting in the morning, returns to the office as I'm responding to some emails.

"Good morning, Eleanor," He greets me as he comes into the lobby. "Have you decided if you're still going to the gala this weekend?"

"I wasn't planning on it. But if you need me to go, I can."

"Yeah, that would be great. You'll get paid time and a half for this, I'd really appreciate it. I have some important donors coming to the gala and I need to make sure that I get time to talk to all of them. I tend to go off on tangents, so I'll need somebody there to keep me on track and on schedule."

"Okay. Sure, I'll be there. I'll get a schedule together with your donors and some talking points," I tell him as I write it down on a Post-It to add it to my to-do list for this week.

"You're a lifesaver, Eleanor," He smiles gratefully at me. He doesn't acknowledge how awkward that will be if I'm walking around with Harrison all night because he's obviously going to spend some time with Micah. Especially after those terrible voicemails that I left for him last night, I'm not sure how I'll be able to face him. But for time and a half for a few hours, I have to take the offer. Besides, that's a week from now, so maybe things will have died down by then.

Harrison goes back into his office and I continue my work on the emails. During my lunch hour, I message Jay to see if he is free this evening to meet for coffee to talk about whatever it is that he wants to talk about. I'm kind of dreading it but at least if I'm worried about how awful this meeting will be with Jay, I'm not thinking about how badly I miss Micah. It's only been two days and I just can't stop thinking about him.

Harrison is acting completely normal but in his voicemail from yesterday, he said that Micah told him what happened. So, I wonder exactly how much he really knows and why he hasn't acknowledged my breakup with his son. Maybe he's just trying to separate the work and personal stuff, which is good. I would feel completely awkward if Harrison were to mention Micah at all anyway.

Jay confirms that we can meet tonight and I tell him which coffee shop I'll meet him at after work. This is all just a huge mess but I know that I just have to endure it and deal with it because it'll eventually blow over.

I will eventually get over Micah. Not because I want to but because I know that I have to. I know that I told him over the phone last night that I'll fight for him, but I was drunk. I need to have more pride than that and just accept that it's over. And if it's not over, then he can make that decision but I can't imagine him being able to get over the fact that I was a prostitute during our entire relationship.

Once I give Jay the answers that he wants, I'll be done with him too and hopefully, with his entire family. I can appreciate that my father wants to have a relationship or something, but I'm not interested. I'm grateful that he pulled some strings to get me out of the trouble that I was in over the weekend but I don't think there's anything that he can do to make everything right between us.

Eventually, when Casey graduates high school, I can get out of this city. Or maybe, I can get out when he turns sixteen or something. He can still go to that school, I'll just be a bit farther away than I am now. Once he's older, I think that he could handle that.

I've always wanted to get out of this city but with my job, this is where all of the demand was. But now that I don't have that job anymore, I can get out whenever I want. Especially with all of this drama and heartache with Micah, I'm just itching to get away. Now that I've been working for a senator, it might be easier to get a nice job somewhere else since I have a good experience and after I've been working here for a while, he'll probably right me a recommendation letter.

Maybe next weekend, I'll get away for a little while. I can afford a weekend away to Chesapeake or maybe Boston. Just by myself, without any of the worries or stresses that stick to me here in D.C.. I just feel so overloaded with everything that I feel like I just need a few days of a break. It's all so exhausting. I know that I'll get through it, because I've been through worse, but it's hard.

At the end of the day, I go into Harrison's office just to see if he needs anything before I leave. I'm kind of hoping that he has some project for me to work on that'll take me all night so that I don't have to meet with Jay.

"You can head on out for the day," He pops that bubble. "But, before you do leave, I just want to make sure that you're doing okay."

"Me? Um. Yeah, I'm okay," I'm so surprised by that that I don't know how to answer him.

"I just know that you've had a rough weekend, from what I've heard from Micah. He tried to ask me for help but I'm a new senator, so I don't have that much pull with law enforcement. And I also know that you two are going through a rough time, so I want to make sure that you don't feel awkward still working here."

Even though I do feel awkward, I'm not going to tell him that. It doesn't matter if I feel awkward or not, I need this job and I need to just deal with the awkwardness. "It's not awkward. Did my work seem distracted today?"

"No," He says quickly. "You've been great. Just don't hesitate to tell me if it's ever uncomfortable for you."

"Sure. Thank you, Senator. Have a good night."

"You too, Eleanor."

That's doubtful, but I just smile at him and leave the office. Micah knows that I get off of work here at five, so I'm worried that he might show up after that if he wants to talk to his dad or something. Which means that I absolutely have to be gone by five to avoid any weird run-ins.

When I get to the coffee shop, Jay isn't there yet. I get a coffee and a bagel before sitting at a small table in the corner of the room. I feel out of place in my black work pants and floral blouse because it's a bit too business-y for the casual coffee shop.

I only wait for about ten minutes until Jay arrives. Without getting anything at the counter, he finds me in the corner and sits down across from me. He looks very uneasy and nervous about the conversation that's about to take place but I'm not sure why. I'm not sure what his father told him, but I'm just going to put it all out there. He already knows enough, so he might as well just know the whole story.

"Thank you for meeting with me," He begins. "I know that I haven't been exactly pleasant with you and I'm sorry about that."

"What do you want to know?" I ask him just to get straight to the point.

"I don't know," Jay cluelessly shrugs at me. "Everything, I guess. My dad just told me that he'd had an affair back home and accidently knocked her up. That's all that he said."

"Okay. I guess that I'll start from the beginning, but I think that you need to prepare yourself because it's a lot more intense than what he's told you. Does he know that we're meeting?"

"Yeah, I told him. So, I guess that if he didn't want you to tell me anything, he would have called you to tell you that," Jay informs me as he starts tapping his fingers on the table anxiously. "I'm ready to hear it. I've always known that my father's kind of a jackass, I don't think that it'll be that shocking, whatever the story is."

"His affair with my mother wasn't just a one time thing. He has monthly visits back to Virginia to meet with constituents and he'd stay at the same hotel every time. My mom worked at that hotel, so they met and started sleeping together. Once a month. Two years into their monthly relationship, my mom decided that she was in love with him and she figured that by having his child, he'd love her back," I begin to tell the story. "She wasn't a very stable person.

"Anyway, he obviously didn't fall in love with my mother when I was born, but he continued to sleep with her. I don't know why. I guess she was really great in the sack or something. Or maybe, he just appreciated the fact that she was always there when he was horny. She fell on his every word, she'd say or do anything that he told her to say or do. She got pregnant again, and that's when the affair stopped. The whole thing lasted ten years.

"When she was eight and a half months pregnant with my little brother, she came to D.C. to find Silas and convince him that they should be together. He rejected her, and he was so angry that she had come to D.C., so close to his real family, that he totally told her off. Shouted at her, called her names, insulted her and her bastard children. Which made her try to kill herself."

"Oh, god," Jay seems to be hanging on my words in suspense. He said that he wouldn't be shocked, but by the wide-eyed look on his face, I'd say that he's pretty shocked so far.

"Anyway, she didn't die. I have a little brother though, I guess he'd be your half-brother. He's a really great kid, and probably the only good thing to come out of any of this. And that's the end of the story."

"Well, I'm really glad that you didn't sleep with me," He says slowly. "That's a lot of shit."

"Yeah, I know."

"I can't believe that he's basically had this second life for so long. How old are you?"

"Twenty-two."

"Fuck. Twenty-two years that he's been lying to us?"

"Well, after the first eight years, he never acknowledged that we existed. So eight years of lying, and then fourteen years of ignoring us, so I'm sure that he was totally focused on you guys, his real family," I explain to him. "I don't know if that's the truth or not, but it might help."

"Do you know if your mom still sees him at all?" He asks me.

"No, I don't know. After she tried to kill herself, she went to a mental hospital to get help and then she disappeared."

"Weren't you just eight?"

"Oh yeah, she hated kids but she loved your dad. She would do, and she did, just about anything to get him to love her," I tell him. "So when that wouldn't work, she left."

"What happened to you after that?"

I take a drink of my coffee and then I say, "That doesn't matter. You wanted to know the story about your father's role in my life, that's it. It ends when I was eight."

"Even if he wasn't still a part of your life, he still affected how your life went," He explains the validity of his question to me. "So, it matters."

I slowly just decide to answer him. "I grew up in foster care with my brother. Until I turned eighteen, I moved out with my brother—his name is Casey, by the way—and got an apartment for the two of us. I was barely getting by as a waitress for two years until another one of the waitresses there introduced me to the world of escorting, and then that started. Your dad is a jackass, but I will add that he didn't know that my mother abandoned us. So, when he left, he thought that we were really being taken care of.

"Granted, I don't think that he would have done anything even if he did know. He is trying to help out now, so I don't know if that is important to your perception or not," I add.

"This is all so crazy," He mutters. "I was just thinking that it was a one night stand or something, and that you were coming back to get his money."

"No, I'm not interested in a relationship with Silas at all. I decided to stay in the city because I found a cheap apartment and there are a lot of horny, rich men ready to get their rocks off," I explain to him. "I know what you think about my work, but it paid the bills, and I liked it. I've decided long ago that my life is already doomed. I've already seen so much shit in this world that I'm a lost cause, so I might as well give myself up to give my brother a better chance. My work allowed me to put him in private school, he's kind of a freak genius."

"Can I meet him?" Jay surprises me by asking me that question.

"No," I say with a small laugh at how ridiculous that is. "He hates you."

"He hates me?" He seems completely offended by that.

"Yeah, of course he does. I do too, honestly. We watched you guys on TV, you know? While I was getting abused by my foster father, I would turn on the TV and see my biological father—the man who was supposed to protect me, and raise me—so happy with his real family, protecting and raising and loving you instead of me. It was hard. Especially for Casey, because he grew up dealing with my bitterness and then he built his own from that."

"Your foster home was abusive?"

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. We really don't need to go any more in detail to my life," I try to avoid that subject.

"It's so fucked up, what he did. He brought you into this world and then just abandoned you?" Jay's brow furrows in frustration. "And he what? Just expected you to fend for yourself at eight years old? I know that you said that he thought that your mom was still around but he had to have known that she wasn't prepared to take care of kids. He knew her for ten years, right? I mean, I get that if it got to the press, his career would be over but how is that more important than two kids' lives?"

"I'm not sure."

"It's so fucked up."

"Yeah, it is," I agree with him.

"It would destroy his marriage, if my mom knew, obviously. My sister would freak too."

"I'm not trying to out your dad on also being my dad," I tell him. "Unless you really want to tell them, they don't have to find out."

"It's my mom. I don't think I could keep this from her," He says slowly.

"Okay, well that's not a conversation that I'm involved in. You have your family, and I have mine. I don't want to be included in what your family is going through with this, whether you tell them or not. So, if you don't have any more questions that I can answer, I'm going head out."

I start to stand up from the table to leave but Jay stops me. "Wait, there's one more thing. Micah really likes you."

"No," I realize where this is going and I don't like it. I know that Jay and Micah are friends, so I'm sure that they've been talking. I didn't come here to talk about Micah though, and I don't want to.

"He'll come around," He promises me before I can get up. "He's just shocked, is all. But he really, really loves you. And if you really love him too, you should just be patient."

"He'll come around?" I raise my eyebrows at him. "I slept with other people for money while we were dating, you think that he'll just be okay with that? He's a nice guy but I don't think that anybody is that nice."

"Just give him some time," Jay suggests.

I stand up from the table with my half-full cup of coffee and the paper sleeve that my bagel came in to throw it away on my way out. "Well, if he ever does decide to date a whore, I'll be here, but I'm not holding my breath."