《As Long As I Live》The Need to Talk
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"If words could express how sorry I am, I'd spend my entire life apologising to you for every single thing I did, darling. If I knew there was any way to make you believe how sorry I am, I would do it in the blink of an eye. If there was anything I could do to make you feel better, to take away all pain from you on to myself, I would do so without hesitation! Sweetheart, my heart breaks every time a tear is shed from your eyes but I know that I'm the reason why there are tears in your eyes in the first place. I'll never be able to forgive myself, darling, never ever!"
He continued to rub his hand gently up and down her spine as he kept her face pressed to his chest, and she kept crying into it.
Had it hurt badly when he had lashed her, he had asked. The answer was yes. It still was a yes. It had hurt physically then and it still hurt now, whenever she thought of that night, it shattered her heart to pieces.
Was he really sorry that he had done all that to her? Did he really want to give their relationship a serious try? Make it a true marriage - one filled with love and respect?
Or was this all a new ploy, a new technique albeit a refined one, to torture her later?
She tried to rein in her sobs but she failed miserably. Two years worth of pain were entrapped in her heart, waves and waves of sorrow crashed against the walls of her resolve, and that damn was only waiting to be broken.
So she cried because she didn't know what else to do. But her pain and anguish were tearing Aamir apart, ripping him torturously into piece after piece. He kept promising to her and to himself never to hurt her again but the shadow of their past was so intense and darkened their present so much, he had no idea of how to plan for the future.
For all his dreams and desires seemed meaningless when he saw his beloved in pain. Because of him. There was no point in dreaming of honeymoons and babies when his woman was still living in the horror of their past.
The doctor was right, his father was right. Damn it, his newly awakened conscience was right! A monster, that's who he was.
That was what he had been, he wasn't a bad guy anymore. He didn't want to hurt her or cause her any pain. He wanted a normal life with her and he was willing to change himself as much as was required to keep her happy. He needed her to understand that, he needed her to see it for herself that she could at least talk to him, vent out her sorrows and not be afraid of him blowing up. Crying wasn't always going to be a way to let loose her emotions, she needed to talk. He had to make her speak up!
His conscience screamed at him for being a filthy hypocrite. He was the one who made sure that she was rendered incapable of dialogue by punishing her repeatedly when she tried to talk to him, for two whole years. He made sure that she would never have the guts to even look him in the eye, let alone have a full conversation. How on earth could he now expect her to suddenly revert to her joyous self, prepared for a full rational confrontation?
He kissed the top of her head and thought that he had no right. He had no business whatsoever to force her to open up to him, to discuss things with him when she was clearly uncomfortable with even having him around her. Obviously, she didn't want to talk to him, her parents or anyone in her family apart from his father, but even then, Aamir had noticed, she always refrained from telling him exactly how hurt she was because she knew Farhan Hassan would be torn between murderous rage and sheer dejection at having raised an abusive son.
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Then who? How?
He was lucky he had found a counsellor as amazing as Gaurav to help him control his anger. He needed someone just as amazing to help Mayra break her walls.
Suddenly, he pulled back, shocked. Why didn't this idea strike him before he thought as he smacked his forehead.
Mayra looked at him, saw him smack his head as he muttered, "God, I'm so stupid!"
Scared that he would scold her for hugging him she instantly, almost reflexively, apologised.
Aamir, having found his energy again with the solution to his problem, smiled at her and wiped her tears. He kissed both her cheeks and fought a sudden overwhelming urge to kiss her properly when she blushed a deep red at the chaste peck on her cheeks.
He would have to convince her to agree to this, he knew it. Years and years of manoeuvring as a successful business head, he knew how to deal with different types of clients and how to make them agree to what he wanted. He would use all his skill for this agreement would be the most important one to him of all time.
Communication is the key.
"Mayra, darling, I wanted to give you some good news. You've been discharged from the hospital, love."
Mayra looked at him confused, not sure whether to register this as good news or bad. Though her time at the hospital had been riddled with physical pain and exhaustion, she had been safe here, free from all kinds of pressures she had to endure at home. She didn't know what going back had entailed.
"Before we go," Aamir continued, quite aware of her train of thought, "I wanted to discuss a few things with you. May I?"
Mayra's forehead wrinkled in a frown. He was asking her for permission? Why did he need to do that?
"May I?" he repeated. She nodded, not knowing what else to do.
"Excellent."
He got up and fluffed up Mayra's pillows and pushed her gently to lean back against them. He got her a glass of water and she sipped carefully, knowing that whatever he wanted to talk to her about was going to be something serious. One, he had abruptly shifted their conversation from her scars. Two, he asked for permission and three, he was getting her comfortable first.
"You know, Princess, these past few days, I've been going out for a couple of hours and your parents come here to keep you company?"
She nodded again thinking that may be he wanted to talk about her parents.
"Don't you want to know where I've been going all this while, Princess?"
Mayra shook her head, lowering her gaze and realising that this discussion wasn't about her parents.
Aamir frowned, displeased with her answer. "Why not? Do you not care where I go?"
She looked up at his words and understanding dawned that he didn't like what she said. But she had a reason for it. "I have .. no.. no business in asking you. I'm not allowed to know."
This was going to be so difficult, he thought as he cupped her face and said, "Darling, you have every business and every right to ask me about anything! Where I go, what I do, who I see, everything! Don't ever hesitate to ask me any question."
He kissed her cheek again, unable to stop himself from touching her frequently. Taking her hands in his, he began, "When you were being operated upon and when you woke up, the only thing that was going on in my head was that it was me and my anger that was the reason why you and I have been living through such an abnormal relationship. There is no one else to blame except me. I take full responsibility for my actions, sweetheart, and I wanted you to tell the police exactly what all I had done so that they could arrest me and punish me. Your doctor is right, that is what you should do -"
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Mayra frantically started to shake her head and say no when her gently stopped her and squeezed her hands, "I know you won't do it, even though you should. But what really happened all this while made me think of how badly I needed to change, how badly I needed to get my anger under control. So I asked Kunal for help. You remember Kunal?"
She nodded her head, she had met him once.
"Anyway, Kunal told me about a really good counsellor who had helped his family and asked me to go see that guy. I did. You ccan't imagine what a character he turned out to be, princess! Have you ever seen a guy wear baby pink shirts and baby blue ties and have blood red interiors for his office! And you know what he calls his program? 'Tame Your Temper'!"
Mayra bit back a smile that forced itself on her lips. She knew how Aamir hated such colours, he was very manly and his taste was highly masculine. She had never changed anything in their room to her girly tastes as she had no idea how he would react.
Aamir saw her trying to control her smile and said, "Yeah, yeah. Funny, I know. But that guy is very serious.He takes his job very seriously. The first day itself he made me realise that what I was planning to achieve wasn't going to be easy in any way. He pushed all my buttons, kept provoking me till I lost it and started to storm out, then he commented that may be I didn't love you enough to want to change myself and the my love for you was so weak that I was giving up so easily. The moment I heard those words, my entire outlook changed and I've been doing as he says. All because I love you, baby, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you happy."
Mayra looked away not used to his confessions of love. Undaunted, he continued, "Since then we've been working at it. The things we've discussed amaze me. I had no idea how deep this problem runs, you know. It was shocking!"
"In the first meeting itself a lot of my own past became clear to me. I was under the impression that I had become this angry man after marriage but the reality was that those traits were there inside of me throughout and I never recognised them, and all of my family overlooked them, blaming the teenage hormones and having faith in fact that as I would grow up, those traits would automatically disappear.
Gaurav made me go back and check my school Progress Reports. All of them since my First Grade. I was shocked to read that quite a few of my school teachers had actually complained that I was a very bossy kid. If things didn't go my way, I would kick up tantrums and sometimes even beat up a kid. One teacher had commented that I was the worst to be put in group activities because of how uncompromising I was. I don't remember all that, but its all there in those annual school reports.
"My teenage years weren't any better either. With the sudden growth spurt and attainment of strength, my anger grew more and more terrible, more powerful. I felt that I was always right, I felt that my parents couldn't understand me. Gaurav says that almost all teens feel that way, but it was my belief that I could do anything to achieve what I wanted, including the use of violent means, that's what was wrong and should've been corrected right away. The problem was, I never spoke to my parents about it, and they never found the reason to correct anything simply because they didn't even know what I was going through. And because I was from a rich family and a pretty big guy, nobody dared to complain and with time, it became easier to hide my fights an quarrels from my family."
Aamir sighed and looked away. He was confessing his most shameful secrets to her and felt utterly pathetic and miserable doing so. But it had to be done. For her sake, he would do it again and again.
"As I ended up in college, I developed a control over my emotions. I felt like I had changed from my troubled-teen days and that I had matured. I was so wrong. I could be a normal guy all the time, but when something would happen that would displease me in any way, it would spark the old anger and mindless rage and I would revert to being the normal guy after I'd have things my way again. When I was in America getting my M.BA, this guy had plagiarised my paper. I was very nearly expelled for it but at the last minute it was proved that he had been the one who had plagiarised when they got to know that he had hacked my laptop. I still remember how furious I was that day. The only thing that stopped me from killing that guy that day was the fact that I didn't want to be kicked out. I had my entire career to think of, and that's the only thing that stopped me! Not the concept of right or wrong or that the authorities would take care of it! Nothing!"
He stopped abruptly, reaching the part he knew was going to be hard as it involved her. Taking a deep breath he continued, "all throughout college I saw guys misusing girls for their fun. They would use them and dump them. And the girls weren't any better either, you know. They would throw themselves at any rich good looking guy they could find."
His cheeks tinted pink as he blushed and spoke, "not to sound all cocky and everything, but I too had received quite a few such.. such proposals from the girls in my college. I never paid any heed to any of them for I knew that my heart would belong to one woman, whose heart would be completely mine. I wanted a woman just as chaste as I was, even in the face of all the temptation being thrown at us in this modern world. I wanted a wife whose purity was unmatched, and I felt entitled to demand that because I had kept myself pure too.
"I was happy to get married to you Mayra, I was overjoyed, believe me. My mother had shown me your photograph and I thought you were so beautiful that I was lucky to get married to you. And then that scumbag Jaffar turned up and accused you of the one thing that I couldn't bear. My anger exploded out of control and whatever happened after that is the reason you and I are here now."
Mayra listened to his story, stunned. She had no idea how to react.
"I've been working with Gaurav to deal with all this, darling and he has worked wonders for me. Earlier, the old me would have forced you to talk to me even if you didn't want to, but I've changed now and I've learned to respect your choice if you do not wish to talk to me or your family. But darling, for the sake of your own well being you have to talk to someone. You have to vent it all out, keeping it all bottled up inside you will hurt you eventually."
Mayra looked unsure but she knew he was right. She waited for him to continue.
Trusting his instinct that now was the time, Aamir made the final push, "So, I wanted to request you, baby, please talk to Gaurav about all this. He's very good at what he does, and he is too damned professional to convey to anyone else what you confess in front of him. He's a brilliant counsellor love, and I'm sure he'll help you just as he has been helping me."
Mayra looked extremely hesitant with idea of trusting another man, an outsider with her personal life but if Aamir wanted her to do this what choice did she have anyway.
Aamir noticed her hesitation and immediately comforted her, "look, I'm just suggesting this. Its your choice. Nobody is forcing you okay. Please just think about it."
Mayra nodded quietly.
For the next two hours, she thought about it as the nurse prepared her in normal clothes an the doctor came in to review her discharge sheets and inform her of the medicines and physiotherapy she had to continue. It was a sad goodbye between the doctor and his patient who had become brother and sister through shared pain of brutal oppression.
Aamir surprised her by walking up to the doctor and giving him the card of the best criminal lawyer in the city and telling him that he would bear all the expenses for the case that would finally bring justice to his murdered sister. The man thanked Aamir and left the room with tears in his eyes. Mayra looked at Aamir and her heart swelled with pride for what he had done.
After two months of having been brought here on the verge of death, Mayra left the hospital with her husband hovering protectively over her. The ride back home was silent but she could feel Aamir's joy radiate off of him.
He entered the driveway of their massive home and turned to Mayra with a huge smile, "I have a gift for you, princess."
"Gift? For me?" Mayra stuttered. Aamir had never gifted her anything before and his cousins knew that. Fariha would make it a point to flaunt whatever her husband gifted her in front of Mayra to make her feel even worse about the fact that Aamir never cared for her. Now he just couldn't believe it.
"I know this is my first ever gift to you so I wanted to make it special." He pulled out a small navy blue coloured box and opened it in front of Mayra to reveal a platinum ring studded with a massive solitaire diamond that sparkled radiantly. Mayra gasped as she saw it and Aamir took the ring and gently taking her hand, slid the perfectly fitting ring on the ring finger of her right hand.
He kissed the back of her hand that now had his ring and whispered, "I'm sorry for all the two birthdays and two anniversaries of yours that I missed, my darling. I love you."
Mayra wiped her tears as her husband came around to scoop her into his arms. Just as he was about to ring the bell, Mayra whispered, "I'll see your counsellor if you want."
Aamir smiled widely at the pretty princess in his arms and took her, finally, to their home.
*******
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