《As Long As I Live》To Remember The Rules
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"Are you feeling all right Mayra?"
The doctor asked gently pulling Mayra out of her dizzying thoughts and confusion. It felt like pushing away a very heavy curtain that was blocking her consciousness to be able to open her eyes.
She opened her eyes slightly and then promptly shut them. The bright sunlight flooding the room from the huge glass window was making her head ache worse. It was a violent pounding. She raised both her hands and pressed them to her temples.
"Is your head hurting, Mayra?" The Doctor asked gently.
She realized two things at once when she tried to answer in the affirmative. One, her throat was too dry for her to speak, and two, the young Doctor was being very nice. Why was he being nice to her? Surely Aamir and her parents and all of her family would have told him she wasn't important enough to be treated kindly.
"Would you like some painkillers?"
Numbly, she nodded her head and the action caused the pounding to worsen making her whimper. Tears ran down her face even as the doctor injected something into the IV line in her hand. Within moments, the pain receded considerably, and she was able to open her eyes fully.
The doctor asked her, "Better Mayra?"
"Yes," she replied, her voice excessively hoarse. "W..water."
A nurse standing by her bed moved quickly. Gently raising her head, she pressed the glass to her lips. Mayra finished the whole glass as quickly as she could, having been deprived of water for weeks her throat was parched. The nurse put her head back on the bed as the doctor stepped forward.
"Ok Mayra, I need to talk to you about your current condition, but you need to keep calm. I can't have you breaking down emotionally again. Or else, I'll come back later. Do you want to do this now?"
She nodded. Her heart was beating faster as she started to fear the words that the doctor was going to utter. What was wrong with her? Already everybody hated her, now with health issues how much more humiliation would she have to suffer?
What would Aamir say if he got to know?
Did he know?
The doctor watched the monitor as it beeped repeatedly signaling the spike in her heart rate. "Mayra, calm down. Nothing is wrong. Your fine."
"What?" She asked, confused and scared.
"Okay, here is the whole list of what happened. When you had the accident, you suffered a terrible head injury, sprained your right hand, fractured your left ankle, had bruises and minor internal bleeding in your abdomen. There was serious blood loss.
We infused enough blood to stabilize your vitals, but the head injury had kept you unconscious. So we operated on your head, and removed a pretty big blood clot. Now, since your memory, vision, hearing and intelligence are all working fine, I need you to move your hands and legs, just a little, one at a time. Then, I'll be completely sure that your accident has had no lasting effects on your body. Can you do that?"
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For the next half an hour Mayra tested her limbs. Her hands were working fine, she already knew that, but she had no idea that her legs could be affected. She tried doing what the doctor asked her to do, but the fracture made it very difficult for her to move her leg. It hurt her really bad, but despite the pain, she did as the doctor asked. She had to know if everything was alright with her, and when the doctor smiled and said that she was completely ok, she slumped back into the pillows, limp with overwhelming relief.
"Your family is waiting outside. Shall I send them in?" the Doctor asked on his way out, as the nurse moves to raise the head end of her bed to make her sit up.
"Who?" she asked, as though the concept of a family was unfamiliar to her.
"Your husband, in-laws, parents, and a bunch of other people. Your husband never leaves. And I had to drag him out to be able to come and check you without his nagging."
"Are you sure they are my family?" Mayra asked incredulously.
The doctor smiled kindly and said, "yes, they are. Now, shall I send them in?"
Mayra nodded slowly, hesitantly. Her family was here to see her? Why? How? Aamir never left her alone. What was that supposed to mean? Aamir always left her alone. He couldn't tolerate her presence, the sight of her disgusted him.
What on earth was happening!
She was distracted from her thoughts as the door opened again and her entire family walked in. She was stunned as everyone she was related to walked in with huge smiles on their faces and big bouquets of flowers in their hands.
Aamir reached her bedside first and smiled down at her, "feeling ok, Mayra?"
Belatedly realising that she was gaping, she quickly lowered her gaze to her lap and nodded. Self-disgust and shame rushed through her veins as she miserably acknowledged that even after two years she had yet to learn to follow the rules.
You must not look up.
You must not look up.
You must not look up.
She chanted the basic rule of her existence in her head. So engrossed was she in recalling all the rules of conduct Aamir expected of her, she missed the small, loving feminine voice that came from the foot end of her bed.
"Mayra?"
She recognised it instantly. That voice was unmistakable. Which child could not recognise the voice of the woman that gave them life. But she could not look up. Tears gathered in her eyes as she waited for the woman to humiliate her in front of her family, for Aamir to enjoy her humiliation and pain, for her heart to be shattered once more.
Do not talk.
Do not talk.
Do not talk.
"Mayra, look at us sweety," her father implored. Her heart hammered wildly as tears flowed down her cheeks.
You must not look up! You must keep quiet!
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How cruel could her parents get! What new method of torture was this! They would force her, with kind words of love and affection, to have her look at them so that they could slap her across the face. 'Been there, done that' she thought as she willed herself to be obedient and follow the rules. Aamir had done a great job of teaching them to her. Pain could be a powerful motive to force one into obeisance.
Under the blanket that she was tucked in, her hands balled into tight fists as she chanted the rule in her head over and over, until finally Aamir spoke to her in a small voice, "your parents are here to see you Mayra. Won't you talk to them?"
The slave in her immediately understood the command behind those words - Speak now!
Being the perfect slave that she was, she raised her head, her eyes still lowered as she whispered, "Salam."
The room plunged into silence as everyone heard the voice they were dying to hear for weeks. They gazed at the pale face of the woman trying her best to survive in a world of heartless monsters, as she was still trying, still struggling, still crying. They all realised their part in trying to destroy her, and they all knew how much they had to do to restore her love, her confidence and her happiness.
"Salam, my child. How are you feeling, dear?" her mother asked, the lump in her throat making it difficult for her to speak. Her daughter wouldn't even look at her. Was that how much she hated her? And even if she did, she had every right to, Maimoona thought miserably, thinking of all the times when she tried to tell her of the pain she was going through, the times she would speak to the picture of her parents because her parents refused to acknowledge her existence. Who wouldn't hate her?
Again, she remained silent until Aamir prompted her with, "Mayra, Ammi's asking something."
"I'm fine, thank you," came the soft reply of one being forced to talk.
Aamir knew exactly what was going on and he never wanted to hurt himself as badly as he did in that moment. Mayra's mind was still working the way it did when they were stuck in that relationship where he would abuse her and she would bear the pain. She was making herself believe that nothing had changed, or maybe all hope had deserted her that anything in her life could or would ever change. It hurt Aamir to think that Mayra had accepted the painful reality that was her life.
Her attitude, her defeated posture and her tears hit Aamir hard. He had really hoped that she wouldn't be so far gone into her pain that she would give up fighting for her marriage. But it was crystal clear to him that she had reached that stage ages ago. He quelled the urge to rub his chest at the sharp pain in his heart at her misery.
God, he loved this woman.
Khalid and Zara shifted uncomfortably as the silence deepened in the room. Trying to lighten the mood Zara walked forward with her bouquet of white roses in her hand, "Bhabhi! Finally, you're up! We were so worried! See, Khalid Bhai and I thought we'd bring you enough flowers to flood the room. Aren't these pretty?"
"Not as pretty as my daughter," said a quiet, firm voice that broke every resolve in Mayra's mind and instinctively her head shot up. Her eyes met the kind gaze of the older man who was her sole confidant, who she held onto for dear sanity in the darkest of times when she was sure she would lose her mind.
"P..papa?" she whimpered.
Farhan rushed to her bedside and pulled her in for a hug as she started to cry. He held her as she cried her heart out, waiting till her tears drained all the pain and sadness contained within her heart. As her cries started to lessen into muffled sobs, he pulled back and gazed directly into her eyes and asked that one question that Aamir was dying to ask, "Were you thinking of committing suicide, Mayra?"
Knowing that his father was the one person who could get Mayra to answer this crucial question, he waited with his breath caught in his chest for her to answer.
Mayra wiped her cheeks, an innocent gesture like that of a little girl, Aamir thought, as she looked at his father and replied, "no. But.."
The blood was roaring in Aamir's ears as he waited for Mayra to continue. His father asked her, "but what?"
"A..After the divorce papers, I didn't know what to do. When the truck was coming at me, for a moment I panicked and then.. and then I thought may be if I did die then all my pain would be gone. Before I could think any further, I got hit."
Her tears had started to flow down her cheeks as she spoke and wiping them she whispered, "I'm sorry, Papa."
"That's ok dear," Farhan answered and then as though trying to look strict to a six year old girl who was trying to steal a cookie, he said, "but promise me you will never think of such silly things again. Promise?"
And just like a six year old girl Mayra nodded her head and said, "Promise."
And all the while, she was unaware of Aamir looking at her with an infinite amount of love and tenderness till he said, "Mayra, no one is ever going to hurt you again. That I promise you."
Mayra turned to look at him in shock. He held her gaze and well aware of the room full of people he said, "I love you, Mayra."
*****
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