20 years ago

I ran out of the house, sitting down in the tall grass of our front yard. I could hear my father come after me with big steps, calling my name.

I had accidently thrown the dining table over with my mother's favorite plates on it. We were having a fight over something that looked completely irrelevant now. It seemed I had finally gotten my first element: air. It was my father's specialty, so he came to calm me down, not my mother.

When he was right behind me, I turned around. 'Stay away from me!', I warned him.

'Why, honey? What is wrong?'. He looked so worried about me that it made my heart melt.

'I could hurt you', I whispered, looking down at my hands.

'Oh darling, you could never hurt me', he smiled.

'Yes I can! And I am afraid to', I answered honestly.

'I am not', he said, kneeling down,'I trust you. You were born to do this. The only way you could ever hurt me is if one day you decided you didn't love me anymore, but I am not afraid of that either'

'I will always love you dad', I whispered in his ear as I hugged him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kept walking. Straight out of the building to the underground train. If Vers were to look out of the window of the gym right now, she would see me crossing the street, knowing where I was going.

Every decision a Commander took had to be reviewed by the Supreme Intelligence. It was our supervisor and leader. Everything went through it. I had no idea how it remembered every little thing it was told, but it technically was a huge computer so I guessed it just stored all its information somewhere. We were to never question it though, so I never asked.

While the journey progressed and the train got further and further away from HQ, my mind became clearer and I got angrier at Vers. Who did she think she was, just about to kiss me like that.

A couple of people recognized me on the train, probably because of my purple hair, and said hello to me. I didn't say anything back, just stared in front of me, deep in thought.

Even if I had kissed her, I couldn't be with her. Relationships were frowned upon within the Starforce and especially between a Commander and a Soldier. It was an unwritten rule that you did not start relationships with fellow Starforce soldiers. If you did, and they found out, you and your lover would get thrown out of the force.

And because the Kree loved gossip, people would know immediately. Your life was basically over. They would stare at you everywhere you went and you would be unable to get a job. Reputation was everything on Hala.

When the train came to a stop, I got up and walked out. Ignoring the staring people. I doubtlessly looked like a mess, because I felt that way. And people weren't used to that from me. I always had my shit together.

I needed reassurance from my mother, even though it wasn't really her, that I was doing the right thing.

The first time I saw the Supreme Intelligence was the day I became a Starforce Soldier when I was eighteen. I had rode the same underground train I did today, but back then, I wasn't alone. Jaa-nus went with me, not wanting to leave me alone at such a big moment in my life.

Of course he had told me that I would see the person I most admired in my life, but I still wasn't prepared when my mother had appeared in front of me. She talked and walked and looked like her, but the look behind her eyes was different. Colder. To be totally honest, it creeped me out.

So I had no trouble hiding the sadness I felt upon seeing her. It wasn't her. The vibe was wrong.

During the many times I had visited her over the years, I had stopped seeing her as my mother and only as the Intelligence. For me, the difference between the picture of my mother I had in my head and the woman standing in front of me, was very clear.

My feet moved up the long, endless stairs to the top of the building. It wasn't the biggest building in the city, but it was definitely the most beautiful one. The Kree didn't value beauty on things like buildings and cars, that is why all the towers in the city were the same boring grey, but the one that housed the SI was worth decorating.

It was still very early, so nobody walked on the stairs in the morning light. The light zooming of ships could be heard far away, but otherwise, it was quiet.

When the stairs finally ended, the doors slid open, giving me permission to enter.

Because the Supreme Intelligence was an AI with an endless amount of power, multiple people could talk to it at the same time. And with multiple I meant like two hundred.

But since nobody was there, I entered the first room I saw was empty and stepped on the little platform, ready for my mind to be transported. I hated this part, it felt weird.

When I opened my eyes, I saw the same room I always appeared in. It was never a nice countryside or a city, just a meaningless space with a white floor and weird moving walls.

Slowly, my mother came to life in front of my eyes. I knew she would appear, but I couldn't help but be curious every time. Maybe it would suddenly be my dad one day.

'Aayala', she said.

'Intelligence', I answered coldly.

'Why are you here so early in the morning?', she asked, coming straight to the point.

'I believe Vers is ready to serve, ma'am' I did believe that, but that was not de real reason I came here. I wanted Vers gone and this was the easiest way.

'Can she control her powers?', it asked. It seemed like she didn't suspect my underlying reason to be here.

'Enough', I answered. 'She won against me in a fight, fair and square, for the first time today. I believe she is ready'

'Very well. Good job Commander. I will see that she be put under one of your Captains, so you can keep an eye on her'

'No!', I answered. Way too fast, way too loud.

With that, she looked at me strangely and curious. Now she knew there was something else.

'Why not, Commander?' I hadn't respected her wish, which I normally always did. So she sounded surprised.

Still not telling her the real reason, I told her a lie. One that came out my mouth with a lot of trouble. One I really did not want to say, but had to. For Vers' sake and for my own.

'I would like for her to be placed with Yon-Rogg, ma'am', I threw out of my mouth. Trying my best to keep a straight face and not spit out his name like I normally did. 'I can see she learned a lot from him and he did a good job, so I believe she can thrive better with him'

She looked at me doubtfully. She knew Yon and I didn't like each other, but she had no idea how deep our hate actually ran. I knew she would believe my lie if I stood my ground.

After a very long silence, she decided she didn't care.

'Alright then. I will notify Vers of your decision and from now on you will no longer be training her.' Her words sounded final. There was no room for negotiation anymore. But there was no need to. I got what I wanted. But then why couldn't I help but feel sad?

'Thank you', I said. I wanted to get out of here fast, not feeling comfortable under her analyzing gaze that seemed to look straight through me.

'Thank you for serving, Commander. Keep up the good work.' She had no idea.

And with that, I was thrown out of my mind and back into my own body.

I took a big breath to ease the tension in my body and walked out of the building fast. Vers had been called to the Intelligence by now and if I didn't want to run into her at the train station, I had to catch the next one back.

Unfortunately, luck was not on my side today and the train drove away before I could reach the platform. Cursing to myself softly, I thought about the consequences my actions from today would have.

Vers probably never wanted to see me again after I rudely blew her off. She must be feeling at least as shitty as I did, but maybe it was for the best. She deserved better than me. I wasn't worth looking at the way she looked at me this morning. Maybe I was protecting her more by keeping my distance than I protected myself.

She would be promoted to Soldier today when she visited the SI. I was curious about who she would see. Someone from before she lost her memories, or after. Maybe she saw me, who knows?

She would be placed in a team with a Captain who reported to Yon. I knew which ten Captains he lead and they were all okay. None of them would be mean to her or cast her out and that comforted me to know. She deserved to be treated right.

When the SI would tell her what I told it, about how I wanted Vers to be with Yon, she would understand why I said that. She was smart like that. I hoped she got the hint that I don't want to see her again and she didn't come looking for me. She was stubborn, so we had to see about that.

Yon-Rogg would be so happy with her when he thought the SI had appointed her to him and not me. He would never know that I gave her up to him. I would never tell him, because he would find out why. I couldn't risk that. I knew Vers would never tell him too. She would never throw me under the bus like that.

So I just had to deal with the smug looks he would sent me for the next few months. Like we were back in training and competing for number one again.

I had very little chance of running into Vers after today. Soldiers were not allowed in the Commander's wing, so as long as I stayed there, I was safe. I also couldn't see her when I visited my Captains or when I was on mission. So the only way I would see her was in the hallways of the building, the hanger, or the gym. But I knew she would be training with Yon now and he always trained in the afternoon.

My odds were looking good.

Of course I said that way too early. Deeply lost in my thoughts, I walked out of the train and bumped into someone. 'I'm so-', I abruptly cut of my apology when I saw who I ran into.

It was her. Of freaking course it was her. I was lost for words and she seemed to have the same problem. We were just standing there, staring at each other, unsure of what to say. So I ran, like always. I felt her eyes on my back when I speed-walked away and up the stairs and I did not look back. If I had, I would have seen the sadness on her face.

I wanted to love her, but my hair smelled of war and running and running.

The next few weeks were the hardest. I couldn't sleep again and my guilt was threatening to eat me alive. I felt sorry about the way I blew her off and then never talked to her again. She probably felt worse than I did and knowing I was the reason for her sadness made me hate myself even more.

She was collateral damage in my war against myself.

I had dragged her along for too long and crossed lines I shouldn't have and now she was caught up in my mess.

Staying away from me was best for her. She didn't have to deal with my issues that way.

The first few days I felt most on edge. Afraid of running into her somewhere. My nails were broken from biting on them and I had trouble keeping my eyes open sometimes. I never ran into her however, so slowly I relaxed more. The missions were a nice distraction and it felt good to just act, not think.

Over the course of time, I realized that when you have had a little taste of love, there was no going back. It would always linger somewhere in the back of my head, no matter how hard I tried to push it out. Like an itch that wouldn't go away. I had managed to find a way around it as best as I could. I had to, because like I had predicted, Yon wouldn't shut up about Vers.

It was like he knew there was something going on between us and wanted to see if I would confirm that to him somehow by pushing my buttons. But he would never have that amount of power over me. Vers however, had me wrapped around her little finger and I would crumble down the minute she looked at me.

And that is exactly what happened about five months after I said my last words to her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two updates in one day? Yess. I have written too many in advance, so I wanted to put this out today. So far, I am at chapter 11 and there will be a lot more.

But here you go. Aayala finally took a big step away from Vers. You have to understand that Aayala is so afraid of getting hurt again that she wants to protect herself no matter what. But she wants to protect Vers even more. Aayala believes she is not worth it and thinks very little of herself and doesn't want to drag Vers down with her.

The quotes used in this chapter: ''Sometimes we are just collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves'' by Lauren Eden and ''I wanted to love, but my hair smells of war and running and running'' by Warsan Shire.

(2392 words)