Affective manipulation: a subtle art of controlling people: definition and functioning

In the world there are different forms of manipulation; from advertising to marketing, to political leaders who manage to obtain the consent of their constituents unconditionally. Then there is extortion, insults up to blackmail. Bullying is also a manipulative attitude if we want to.

These are tactics implemented, mainly for "economic" purposes or of mere power,to subject a person to his will. To achieve this goal there is also emotional manipulation,where the manipulator is a person to whom one is emotionally tied. In this sense, one can decline up to emotional manipulation.

This type of conditioning is extremely widespread, often underestimated and"under diagnosed". Emotional manipulation works very well in emotional interpersonal relationships: sentimental relationships, friendships, family and work relationships.However, often associated with emotional dependence, it is always a form of psychological violence. There are two actors that come into play in these dynamics: the executioner -understood as the manipulator - and the victim, the one who is subjugated.

Awareness is required to recognize this subtle form of psychological abuse. That is to understand in detail what emotional manipulation is, how it manifests itself and how it works.

Our behavior is not influenced exclusively by television or politics, indeed, the best manipulators (or worst, depending on the point of view) we have them by our side, in everyday life. It can be a friend, a son, a parent, a companion, we ourselves could be the manipulators.So, what is emotional manipulation? A behavioral form in which a person submits to his will by leveraging his feelings.

The goal of the manipulator is, very trivially, to get what he wants. Sometimes its purpose can coincide with material interests, even if - who suffers from such a pathology -almost always aims at a completely different goal, namely the possession, influence and total control of a person or more people. These are the purposes on which emotional manipulation is based. The main function is the emotional lever put in place towards those who intend to submit to their will.

The methods that the manipulator puts in place are different and can lead to a wide variety of behaviors. However, at their basis there are well-defined strategies through which it is possible to create a sick relationship, within which the targeted subject is in a state of unconscious submission.Emotional manipulation works when the perpetrator(manipulator) leverages the emotions it engenders in the victim's soul.

One of the main feelings used is guilt. To achieve this, we resort to the technique of victimization, through which the manipulator manages to transform himself into a victim by placing the role of executioner on the other side. In this case, the exaltation of the consequences suffered by the "victim" (manipulator) due to the actions of others occurs.

To identify the manipulator, the right weapon is to observe its behaviors and scrutinize the emotions that arise from it. Manipulators are passive attackers. What does it mean? That they almost never attack directly but that, on the contrary, assume subtle attitudes to silently insinuate a certain influence into the victim. Silence, nervousness,indifference is some of the symptoms of the passive-aggressive modality.

Lies are another specialty of the manipulators, who, in order to deny their mistakes,influence the victim by questioning their abilities, convincing them not to remember well or paradoxically that they have manipulated the circumstances to achieve their purpose.

Another strategy is that of false support. The manipulator acts in such a way as to appear as the first of the supporters, the first of the friends, a person who can be trusted.The total confidence that is had towards him leads the victim to lower his defenses, and this is precisely the right moment to hit her.

Emotional manipulation is a phenomenon that happens much more often than you imagine. You have probably been involved in it several times even if you didn't realize it.

Maybe you are an emotional manipulator yourself.... if so, be humble to recognize it by reading this section and change your attitude to improve your life and that of those who trust you.

There are people who do emotional manipulation consciously, others unconsciously.

The former knows exactly what to say or do to push the right buttons and get what they want from you.

It is therefore essential to be able to discern the behavior of an emotional manipulator in order to avoid its emotional trauma and the damage (even permanent) that it brings.

1. Makes you feel guilty for his transgressions.

An emotional manipulator is always a master at making you feel guilty. He will find any way (to exclude himself) to put responsibility for his actions on others. The situation scan be the most varied, if they are late for a meeting it is because you have not been clear with the timetable, if all the job interviews go wrong it is because its potential is not actually understood.The ultimate goal is that you give up your energy by asking for an absurd sorry.

2. He is always the victim.

This point is demonstrated by the previous point. The fact of never taking on one's responsibilities leads this person to be (according to him) a sacrificial victim of every situation.

3. His Actions do not correspond to words.

Those who practice emotional manipulation are masters of language. He will make you a lot of promises and use flattering words to bring you a feeling of trust and security. In this way you will follow him with every promise he makes to you when in reality his actions will never support the promises made. And guess whose responsibility it will be? Of you who didn't believe in him...

4. He says many lies.

Emotional manipulation leads the person who "practices" it to tell a lot of lies in order to have your approval. He says so many that he then goes to harness himself in his own invented stories.All this will lead to a lack of trust on your part and therefore to the points above of victimization and making you feel guilty ...

5. Often leverages pain.

If you are a victim of emotional manipulation, the person in question will probably build something even more serious and frightening if they feel that something bad has happened in the neighborhood where you live or in the city.If he hears bad news on the news, he reinvents it and amplifies it with the sole purpose of bringing you to its low frequencies and feeling (unconsciously) in tune with you.Purpose? Bring attention to yourself.

6. Makes you believe you are negotiating.

If you are a victim of emotional manipulation you may believe that the person is negotiating with you. I am not only talking about money but also about feelings even if it is absurd to talk about negotiation... but it is so.

To make you understand, I'll give you an example with money. Imagine that the person in question asks you for a loan of 100 euros. You say no because you can't afford them right now. Then he casually tells you that 50 would be fine anyway and you accept.The point is that from the beginning he wanted 50 and he knows very well that if he asked for 50 right away you would probably have refused....

Now you can say: yes, but maybe it's not an emotional manipulation, it's a situation that often presents itself. Try to say no even to the 50 and see how he reacts: if the reaction is that you don't understand him, that you don't want to help him ... in short, if it brings you to guilt... BINGO

7. He is a trusted forger.The emotional manipulator requires your trust in order to deceive you. He needs your sympathy but first of all he needs your trust. The most effective and quickest way to do this is to insist and prove that he trusts you. He will not stop at anything just to convince you that you are the most important person for him. This way it will be easy for you to return this trust and if you don't, he knows that you may feel guilty (eventually he will take care of it).

The sad fact is that if you combine all the points that we talked about in this post you may notice that everything he said or did to you is just a great texture to take you exactly where he wants.

"Trust is good, NOT trusting is better"

How to react?

Meanwhile, start trusting yourself 100%. Be aware of your intuitions and listen to them. Increase your self-esteem. Work on yourself by keeping yourself high in energy and these people will NEVER happen in your life. But if you attract them it is because on a vibrational and emotional level you are down, and you could really get out of it very badly.

From now on, be incredibly careful, your happiness comes first of all (and of all).

It is disturbing to think but ... we have all been victims of emotional manipulation at least once in our lives. Maternal pressures, guilt feelings that lead to say some yes, too ...Even more disturbing fact is that there are people who, every day and for years, have been victims of manipulators who use proven techniques refined with time and experience.

Who is the manipulator? We don't necessarily have to associate emotional manipulation with narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic or borderline disorder, anyone can take on the role of the manipulator.

A mom who pries on her daughter's guilt feelings for a profit is also implementing a manipulation technique. Here, the manipulator can be a brother, a trusted friend or a much-loved mom, we don't just talk about couple relationships.

Emotional manipulation in relationships: a matter of power, expectations and control.

A relationship, whether as a couple, friendship or parent-child, should be based on mutual respect, exchange and trust.

The problem is that sometimes, a component of this relationship assumes emotional abuse behaviors that become chronic over time giving rise to harmful consequences: worries, generalized anxiety, fear of abandonment, guilt, feeling of inadequacy, low self-esteem..., all this can cause it a single wrong relationship.

No manipulator will ever admit being the cause of these ailments, indeed he will advise those affected to seek treatment without ever questioning themselves. The only way to defend yourself from the attacks of an emotional manipulator is to keep your distance or counter manipulate.The same parent-child relationship often focuses

The same parent-child relationship often focuses on manipulation and emotional blackmail because our educational model is based on parental authority and sees the role of the subordinate child. When family relationships are toxic, there is no clear evolution and there is a tendency to maintain unhealthy balances; in this way, even as an adult, the child will always be seen by the parent as "subordinate".

It is really sad to see a child who has not felt loved where he can go to redeem that love. It is crazy to observe the dysfunctional mechanisms that can be triggered in a family and it is even more terrifying to see where some couples who hurt each other in the name of love can go.

Unfortunately, manipulation is sometimes justified or even not recognized. We live in a critical period where, only today we begin to shed light on couple dynamics and on what is personal autonomy and emotional manipulation.

In this perspective, I invite you to read my article entitled "The insurmountable border between 'taking care' and 'controlling'", you will notice that many of the relationships you carry out are not based on unconditional love but on expectations, power and control.

A relationship for two should be born and consolidated without rigid claims,without recurring patterns and above all be based on the pillars of acceptance and respect.

According to the French psychotherapist Isabelle Nazare-Aga, if it is not possible to distance oneself from one's emotional manipulator, it is possible to implement a counter manipulation tactic that the author defines as "fog technique".

The fog technique consists in using a random, vague and almost inaccurate communication, so as not to engage in the verbal exchange with the manipulator at all.

The aim is to confuse the manipulator who no longer obtains his nourishment (his gain starts from the feeling of power he feels in every exchange, which he senses whenever he triggers feelings of anger or despair in you) will be led to give up socket or move away.

The counter manipulation technique aims to create distance in the bond without sending too direct signals.The fog tactic focuses on superficial communication where the victim protectshimself by answering each question in a disenchanted way, as if he was indifferent to thecontents expressed by the manipulator who consequently will no longer feel important andwill lose the feeling of power that in general it is powered by the victim.

The emotional counter manipulation can therefore be described as a one-way communication where the manipulator sends messages / provocations / criticisms /accusations and the victim responds without aggression and vehemence, slipping any manipulative attempt, any accusation or word.

In this way, the interlocutor (the victim) will not take the blows but will put in place a passive resistance capable of bringing about a spontaneous removal of the manipulator.

Very often the victims of emotional manipulation tend to start an arm wrestle with the manipulator: nothing more wrong! The clashes, the challenges, the competitions, the knock-and-answer, are all dynamics that feed the desire of the manipulator. If an arm wrestling instigates, the fog technique defuses subtly and intelligently.

The fog technique is easier to describe than to implement. In the dialogue with the manipulator (when this plays the role of a mother or an ex-husband with whom children are shared) there is a strong emotional load. The interlocutor will have to learn to weigh each word well and to dose the information given.

Communication with the manipulator, when the interlocutor has no control and awareness, is nothing more than a labyrinthine path where the manipulator sow's confusion and uncertainties. Here, the victim's task is to reverse this scenario and do it on tiptoe, without being caught with your hands in the bag.

To implement the fog technique successfully, I recommend you:

Give the manipulator as little information as possible about your life by employing vague communication.

Here is a practical example.Manipulator: "How did the job interview / appointment go?"

Victim: "I don't know, I don't want to pronounce myself ... this time I want to be superstitious".

Mitigate your reactions. Manipulators are famous for seasoning stories or inventing facts out of the blue. If it gives you sensational news, mitigate your reactions in this regard and always check the facts without starting in fourth. Here is a practical example.

Manipulator: "Do you know that Sara has a lover?" or "The professors criticized your child's education."

Victim: "How strange, I never would have said that."

Don't flatter yourself too much if he starts complimenting you or makes sudden manifestations of love, love bombing is a very effective and very dangerous emotional manipulation technique. Flattery, compliments and those attitudes that make you feel important, can only mean that the manipulator wants to tighten your grip on you. For all the information I invite you to read my article on the Love bombing of the emotional manipulator.

Check your emotions and pay attention to the tone of voice you use, as well as the looks or the mimicry.

Minimize his accusations without being offended. This is difficult to do. If the manipulator accuses you of being unfaithful, superficial, stupid ... pretend to be amazed at his reaction and minimize your critical behavior by truncating the topic soon.

If you are cornered, they suggest you adopt a healthy and protective "no contact".The no contact creates distances in a less indiscreet way but allows you to recreate and reorganize your life based on what is really important for your well-being. If he asks you a vague question, be confused and ask the manipulator to clarify what he means.

If you want to keep up with an emotional manipulator, in addition to the fog technique there is another thing you can do: work on your self-esteem and your internal operating core. In practice, recognize your value and work to identify what your goals and needs are.

Many times, we reach a point when, we become emotional manipulators. Every time we act / talk in a premeditated way thinking that those close to us understand for themselves what we need for example.

Nobody is in your head and if you need something you should ask it rather than throw arrows and hope that the prey will bite your bait, right?

By doing so you are literally trying to manipulate the will of others, you are trying to install a sort of sense of guilt that in theory should be able to make the interlocutor act according to your plans.

But it doesn't work that way. Or at least, it doesn't work if you're trying to build healthy, genuine and profitable relationships for both parties.

But in this chapter, we will not only talk about the simple emotional manipulation that can take place behind home walls, at work or among acquaintances. Today we are also talking about emotional manipulation from the stage, the manipulation of those who intend to sell you something to solve your apparent problem.

We will talk about all those who earn money by speculating on the naivety and suffering of people.This manipulation is not very different from the first one.

In both cases one of the parties claims control. When you understand how one works, you also understand the other.

The first thing that an emotional manipulator invites you to do is dig into your past to bring out the unsolved in your life. Because for him it is obvious, you have a problem and it is certain that you have something unsolved. Always!

This is the first move that the wolf, in question is called to make.And the wolf is right about one thing: each of us, if he delves into the past, is capable of finding some stains to clean. But the question is: are we sure we want to entrust this task to him?

What if we hire ourselves to do it?

Basically: be careful to show your injuries because blood attracts sharks. I'm not saying don't open up to others, this isn't.

But don't do it with anyone. Are you able to recognize those who want to exploit your pain for their benefit from those who feel the sincere need to be close to you?!?

If you rely on the outside for your redemption, you are creating dependence. In short, a psychologist, a coach, a serious trainer, would make you face the problem in the opposite way.