“Apologizing does not always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.” – Mark Matthews

((reminder: complete italicised dialogue means that it's the wolf talking))

It was another sleepless night. While the rest of the world embraced their dreams, my mind would not stop running. Where there should be dreams, there was only turmoil and darkness.

In the three hours I’ve been in bed, I must have woken up around six times. Usually, it is the pointless tussle of conflicting thoughts that kept me up each night, urging me to organize the chaos in my life but today was different; today it was my wolf that didn’t let me sleep.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

I turned my face towards the owner of the voice.

“Jonathan,” I acknowledged.

“What are you doing out here so late?”

I shrugged, “Couldn’t sleep so I decided to drop by and say hi to Zack.”

“May I?” Jonathan sat down without waiting for an answer.

I pushed myself off the grass and sat up in a sitting position, “What are you doing up so late? Don’t tell me you couldn’t sleep either.”

“No, I was just making my one of my regular rounds to your room when I noticed you weren’t there.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “Regular?”

He looked at me and nodded, “I check up on you every night, Vivian. I have already told you that you are like a daughter to me. I can’t sleep unless I know you’re safe and sound, especially now since Al is resting.”

My heart swelled with gratitude, “It means a lot to me, Uncle Jon.”

“I know, kiddo,” He ruffled my hair. “So, tell me... what’s been keeping you awake?”

I inhaled loudly and decided to lie back on the grass. My hands traced the wet ground, catching hold of the tufts of grass as I dug my fingers into the soft earth. My eyes fell at the boundless sky which stretched out for infinity and was filled with glittering stars which shimmered like diamonds. Each flickering star was in its appropriate place, filling out the heavens above with ethereal beauty. Near the moon, shadowy and ribbon-like clouds flowed, hiding the celestial body for a few seconds, giving it a hazy and ominous feel.

I began to pluck blades of grass and twist them nervously in my fingers, “My wolf... she and I had a long talk.”

Jonathan nodded his head in encouragement, urging me to continue with my story.

“We had a detailed talk about the past few weeks; the events that transpired, the choices we made – we talked about every single thing. But at the end, we got stuck in a dilemma.”

“What is it? I might be able to help you.”

I didn’t speak for a while. The silence lingered in the air, thick and heavy, like a blanket. The right words weren’t coming to my mind. How could I put the chaos in my mind into words? Nonetheless, I took a deep breath and decided to give it a try anyways.

“For the longest period of time, my wolf and I blamed Ethan for everything. To us, there had to be one culprit, one person who was the genesis of this tragedy. It had to be someone. Back at that time, we needed someone, someone we could pin everything on, and someone who would bear the brunt of things. Ethan was an easy target for us because honestly he was a pretty shitty mate back then. So it almost came naturally – placing the blame on him rather than putting a part of it on my own shoulders.

“I refused to address and acknowledge the true depth of the situation and the tension kept growing until it finally broke. However, now in retrospect, we’ve realised that it wasn’t his fault. He was, after all, under the command of four Alphas. No wolf, no matter how strong, can resist such an order. He was being controlled, he was their puppet.

“A part of me still thinks that if he had told me what was going on, we could’ve worked it out. I might’ve even offered to join their charade. In that way, at least I wouldn’t have been kept in the dark. But, then again... that wasn’t in his power. The Alphas are more blameworthy than him.

“And then there is me,” I let out a sarcastic laugh as Jonathan listened attentively, “A coward who always chooses to run away when things get difficult. I used to think that if I went away for a while, something would happen and cause everything to return back to its normal place. And it worked... when I was child, that is. But this time, I went away for a completely different reason. I needed space. I need some time to think about everything… It felt as if somebody had pushed me off of a cliff and I was falling down in an endless black hole.”

I took a pause. Tiny glimpses of everything that happened to me flashed in front of my eyes.

“My whole life was a lie, Jonathan. All the decisions in my life were made on the basis of my identity as a female-blooded Alpha. Don’t you think I deserved to know the truth? Don’t you think I’m more than just an Alpha blooded female?” I was sitting up once more, my fingers tightly clenching the grass, yearning for stability. “Father promised Zack and me that he would never hide something big from us, that we’d work through every problem together. I always used to think that this promise was the reason why our pack was the best. There wasn’t just an Alpha ruling it... we ruled together – as a family, as a pack, as one... but who knew,” I looked at Jonathan and let out a humourless chuckle, “Father was hiding the biggest secret of them all.”

Jonathan stopped me with a gesture of his hand, “I understand where you’re coming from, Vivian. Heck, even I didn’t know about this! I was raging mad at your father for keeping this secret from me. I was his Beta, I thought he trusted me with everything. But as time went on, I got the opportunity to think over everything, and... to be honest with you, I also understand Alejandro’s reasons. In his mind, if more people knew about you, there was a bigger chance of the secret coming out.

“You are his pup and your life was in danger. Any wolf would’ve done the same for his or her pup. His method might’ve been flawed, but his reason wasn’t. He loves you and the looming threat that any minute someone could snatch you away from him... that thought caused all of this.”

I nodded and hugged my knees in order to comfort myself, “I know that now. Each one of us made mistakes, and all those mistakes came together and created chaos... chaos which made us loose things we never thought we’d lose.” I gently touched the fresh flowers that were next to Zack’s grave.

We didn’t talk for a while, the silence stretched in the air and embraced us.

“Just before your father fell into a coma, he said one thing to me,” Jonathan broke the silence, “And he kept repeating it over and over again. For a while, I didn’t understand what he meant by it, but now I do.” His eyes flashed. It looked like he had transported to another place. “He said ‘I failed them. I failed them. Tell her I’m sorry. I promised her. Tell her I’m sorry.’”

I felt the muscles of my chin tremble and my shoulders heave with emotion. An unsteady stream of tears flooded down my cheeks.

Jonathan came forward and collected me in his arms. I sobbed into his chest unceasingly, my hands clutching at his shirt. He held me in silence, rocking me back and forth as my tears soaked his chest.

He let me go once I calmed down, “I don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve pushed Ethan away for so long... I don’t know how to approach him anymore. I want to give us a try again but every time I try to take one step towards him, something happens and causes me to retreat two steps. I don’t… I don’t know how to change this situation.”

“An apology goes a long way.”

I thought about it, “Do you seriously think an apology will fix it?”

He nodded, “Ethan is a good guy, and I think by now everyone knows how much he cares about you. I mean… That little bastard wore silver!” He flailed his hands in the air, “He wore silver to restrain his wolf because he didn’t want to mark you by force and lose you completely. And he still wears them.

“In the initial days, people thought he was mad and judged his choices. What idiot Alpha in his right mind would restrain his own wolf and go through such torture? They even raised questions regarding his rank; if he was even fit enough to be an Alpha without his wolf. But as days passed away, those judgements faded away and were replaced with awe and respect. People began to admire him for his strength, for his courage and for his love... all for you. No one in history has ever gone this far to protect their mate from their own wolf.

“Apologize, Vivian. A sincere apology can open up doors to communication; it will allow you to reconnect with him. It will allow you to express regret; it will let him know that you care about his feelings. Yes, an apology cannot undo what has been done, but it can help ease the pain and tension of what has happened. It will help you rebuild your relationship.”

“Well, it surely won’t hurt to try,” My wolf, who had been quiet since Jonathan came, finally decided to bless me with her presence.

“Wow, who knew you’d be such a relationship guru, Jon? If Zack was here, he wouldn’t have missed this opportunity to make a snarky comment.”

He rolled his eyes in a playful manner, “Oh yes, he’d say something like – ‘What does this old human know about love? His wolf is the only reason his wife is with him’.”

We both laughed.

Time suddenly passed away in a blur as we sat there under the starry sky, reminiscing about old times, letting the night offer us the comforting darkness it promised.

----

"Vivian?”

Ethan’s eyes widened in confusion when he noticed me standing at the border. To my surprise, I found him right at the border, deeply engrossed in a conversation with his patrol guards.

He immediately left everything and jogged towards me, “I didn't expect to see you here. Is everything okay?" His eyes travelled over my body – an analytical gaze, assessing my physique for any injuries.

He was dressed in a plain white shirt and denim jeans. A rogue strand of black hair was on his face. I had this sudden urge to step forward and twirl it in my fingers.

"Everything's fine,” I restrained my urge and spoke, “I was wondering if we could talk."

"Of course we can," he said a little too quick and then immediately looked to the side where his patrol guards looked at him with a funny expression. A faint blush spread on his cheeks, "Come with me."

After getting his permission, I stepped inside his territory and began to follow him. I felt the heated gaze of his pack members as we made our way towards wherever he was taking me. I tried to keep my eyes forward but since this is the first time I was walking into another pack, my curiosity got the best of me. On my previous visits, I had only seen a small section of his pack so I decided to take this opportunity and have a look around the West-Moon Pack.

There was a terrace of small houses extending to either side of the path. They were all the same, with small upper windows, narrow porches and square bays. In front of each house, there was a small garden with trimmed and freshly mowed grass. Along the way, I saw Bonsai trees lining the passageway, and roses in circular beds. My eyes found children playing with each other, each smiling as they pushed back on one another. Unconsciously, a smile spread on my face.

Ethan kept turning back to see me after every minute or so, it felt as if he feared that I’d vanish away in thin air any given second.

We soon entered one of the houses which was a tiny bit bigger than the rest. It looked the exact same from the outside, but on the inside, it appeared more spacious. We climbed up a staircase and stopped before a brown door.

Ethan pushed it open and gestured me to enter.

I accepted and walked inside; he also stepped inside and pulled a chair back for me. Once I was seated, he placed himself right on top of an oak desk which was sitting in the middle of the room, and crossed his arms expectantly.

My eyes wandered around and took in the condition of his office. The room was painted in a light grey colour. There was a small window at the left corner of the room which overlooked the gardens I saw outside. There was a laptop on the desk, a plethora of pens in a cup, and a stack of papers sitting under a wolf-shaped paperweight. There was also a swivel chair right opposite the desk but Ethan still chose to sit as close to me as possible.

"My wolf and I had… we had a talk last night,” I began when I felt the awkward silence that had filled the room, “We got time to talk about everything that has happened in the past few weeks.” I nervously played with the edge of the seat.

“Come on, you pussy. Out with it. It’s just three words and eight letters, not a whole damn essay.” My wolf retorted.

Let me concentrate, I told her off.

“Ethan...,” I began.

“I think he knows his name.” She answered.

“Oh for Goddess’ sake, shut up!”

“But I never said anything?”

Why was her voice suddenly so manly?

I looked up and saw Ethan, staring at me with a very confused expression.

Oh for fuvk’s sake, I said it out loud, didn’t I?

“Bingo.”

“That wasn’t for you, it was meant for my wolf. She was being...,” I made a frustrated gesture.

Ethan smiled, his eyes twinkling.

“Alright, coming back to why I came here. Ethan... I’ve realized that I haven't been completely fair with you.... these past weeks; all I have done is run away and put the blame on you... so I came here today to apologize to you. I am s-."

“Apologize? Vivian, you don't have to-" He jumped of the desk, his eyes widening in alarm.

"No, I do. It isn't fair that I have been blaming you for everything that has happened. I mean... anyone would've done the same if they were under the command of four Alphas. You had no choice but to obey. I do feel sorry that it took me this long to understand and put myself in your shoes,” His intense grey eyes held my gaze, “For me, targeting you for everything was the most convenient way of making sense of the situation. It was the only way I could express and justify my anger – it was sort of like a defence mechanism for me. It was a reaction — rage that masked my feelings of powerlessness, hurt, and loss came pouring out and latched onto you.

“I couldn't blame Father either, in his defence; he was doing everything to protect his daughter. Nobody wants to see their pup in danger. But then, come to think of it, nobody wants to see their mate in danger either.”

His eyes softened when I mentioned the word ‘mate’.

“I still don’t understand what is happening in my life. Everything is uncertain.”

“You’re not alone, Vivian.” He assured me as he sat back on the desk.

“I’ve been selfish. I don’t know have words to explain what is going on inside of my head. So all I can do is to apologize to you – for blaming you entirely, for not understanding you, for being selfish, for everything.”

"You did what any person would’ve done if they were in your position. You have nothing to apologise for. We hid your identity. We lied to you. We kept you in the dark. We made decisions regarding your life. We had no right to do any of these things. And for all of that, I apologize.” He replied.

We both shared a look.

“This is going nowhere,” I sighed and rubbed my temples.

“I have an idea, how about I accept your apology and you accept mine? Fair trade, yes?”

I smiled and nodded. He returned an equally cute smile.

A heavy burden lifted off of my chest but there was still another debate going on in my mind, urging to be let out.

There was no stopping it now.

“I have to come clear about another thing... It might make you angry but we can't work on our relationship if our foundation was once again built on secrets and lies."

He raised his eyebrows, "What's wrong?"

"I um... well the thing is…," my gaze travelled all around the office, but refused to connect with Ethan’s.

"Spit it out, it is now or never."

Easy for you to say.

"Vivian?"

"Yes? Oh yeah, sorry... It is about my... heat."

"Your heat?" The way that word rolled out of his mouth sent a delicious shiver down my spine.

"Those images you projected in my mind to help ease my pain? Yeah… they didn't exactly work the way you thought they did."

He got off the desk and took a dangerous step closer to me. I felt my heart skip a beat.

"The heat continued and it was painful. My wolf had isolated herself because we weren't in a pack which caused my human senses to take over.” I took a pause. "There was no end to the heat; it kept increasing with every minute... and there was only one way to stop it."

There was something dangerous flickering in those grey eyes of his, waiting to be unleashed.

"I...,” I shut my eyes tightly, took a deep breath and then opened my eyes, “I slept with a human to put an end to the heat."

"You what?" The warmth from his eyes immediately vanished. They became narrowed, cold and hard. I immediately regretted opening my mouth.

“Okay, he is mad. Houston, we have a problem…”

"I thought we would never get back together, not after everything that happened. So, at that time, in my mind it wasn't cheating because for me, there was no future for us!” I ignored my wolf as I rushed out my explanation.

I drew in a deep breath when I felt his piercing and burning hard stare pin me down. If his wolf was here, this situation would’ve been ten times more lethal.

"Vivian, for the love of Goddess, please don't continue." His eyes felt like a knife in my guts, the point of sharpness digging deeper with every second. He was deliberately breathing slowly, like he was fighting something but kept loosing.

“He is right, stop talking.”

"I am sorry I hurt you."

He turned around and began to lightly bang his head against the nearby wall.

“What part of ‘stop talking’ don’t you understand, woman?”

You were the one who wanted me to speak in the first place!

Ethan took a loud and deep breath. He didn’t speak for quite some time and kept his head rested against the wall.

The silence gnawed at my insides.

Say something, please.

"I don't know what to say, Vivian.”

Anything but that.

I got up from my chair and walked towards him, stopping when I was ten feet away from him.

"We both made mistakes, Ethan, but now we have realized the grave consequences it led to.” He turned around to face me. His eyes were no longer rigid and hard; instead they were appeared… sad. “All we can do is move on from the past and work on ourselves."

He avoided my eyes and brushed a hand through his hair, "You're lucky my wolf isn't here, Vivian. You have no idea what he would have done to this human of yours."

Of yours.

I had no idea what to say or do any more. I apologized to him and came clean about my past, thinking it would heal everything and allow us to rebuild our relationship but all I did was further strain my cause.

Silence once again took over us; the only sound was that of the clock ticking.