Chapter 40: Sour as a Byronic Hero

"What the hell are you doing?" 

Lottie blinked at me, perplexed. "What do you mean?" 

I raised my eyebrows. "You've been looking over your shoulder for the past hour. What's the problem?" 

She shrugged and looked at her feet. I sighed. You'd think that by now she'd know to tell me when she was bothered. 

"Tell me, Lottie," I pressed, nudging her shoulder. Lottie just smiled sweetly at me and patted my hand, but didn't respond. "Come on, what's wrong?"

"Girl problems, Ben," she said quietly. I opened my mouth to speak then snapped it shut. Oh. 

After a minute of awkwardness, I spoke. "Do you...do you need anything?"

She shook her head while grinning. "Not at all. Thank you." 

"You sure? Alright, then should we get back to your place?" I asked, steering her back to my car. I wanted to show her the cake I had made before the day was over. 

"Okay!" she exclaimed, grabbing my hand and skipping over. I rolled my eyes, but still smiled when she wasn't looking. 

By the time we got back, the sun was close to setting, but there was still enough light to look around. It had begun to sprinkle a while back, but was not much compared to a regular winter's day in England. It was almost like it was summer, and the Earth was smiling down on Lottie's birthday. How fuckin' cheesy am I?

I was just about to herd her inside before she got soaked when something stopped me.

"Charlie, babe, there you are!" a loud, obnoxious voice yelled. Lottie and I turned around and saw a man staggering down the sidewalk to Lottie's house. She squinted, and when the man got closer, she jumped and half hid behind me. 

"Who are you?" I asked rudely, moving my hand back to cover Lottie. "Go inside, sweetheart," I said to her.

"I'm her boyfriend. My name is Rick, how are you?" 

I heard Lottie take in a sharp breath of air, and she stepped around my arms and stared at him. "Rick who?" she asked. 

"Rick Bienvenue, I'm hurt you don't remember. We have been together since we were sixteen, after all," he simpered, touching his chest. I hated the shifty way he looked at her, and I reached out to pull Lottie closer to me, and then I comprehended their words. 

I cocked my head, confused. Who the fuck was this guy? "Lottie?" I asked, expecting her to deny what that guy was saying. It was bogus, lies. I knew it was.

She blinked those huge eyes at me, wide with shock and a hint of fear. She didn't respond. She just stared, as if she was realising something. 

"Come on, tell this guy he's insane," I said, not even recognising my own voice. It sounded separate from my body.

"She can't say anything because she knows it's true." 

My head snapped to that guy, who wore a smirk that I itched to punch straight off his face. "Shut the fuck up, am I talking to you?"

"Temper, temper," he cooed, wagging his finger at me. His condescending tone baffled me and infuriated me at the same time. Who the fuck did he think he was to talk to me like that?

"Would you shut the fuck up?" 

"I'll see you at home, baby," Rick sneered, waving his hand. "I can see when I'm not wanted."

I breathed in and out so that I wouldn't pounce on him and fucking clobber his face in. "At least you're not fucking blind," I hissed. His smirk widened, and I almost lost it when he reached out and patted Lottie's cheek, and then sauntered away. My eyes fixed themselves on his back, and I knew my face was becoming bright red. 

"Ben..." Lottie whispered finally.

"What is going on?" I asked. My eyes widened worriedly, wondering why she hadn't interrupted him while he was speaking. Because he was obviously lying, there was no way they were dating. "He's lying, isn't he?"

"I mean, I couldn't exactly say that-"

"What?" I blinked, taken aback. "What do you mean?" My chest all of a sudden felt tight, and I had to blink rapidly to see straight.

"By that I mean that I do know Rick and I have dated him, but that's not all, I need to tell you-"

"Lottie, stop," I said, my jaw locked, my head in my hands.

She stood her ground, staring at me defiantly. "No. You should trust me, not some idiot off the street!" 

"For what? For me to figure out you're dating somebody already?"

"Ben, just listen to me!" 

"I've heard enough," I grunted, turning my back to her. "And anyway, what do I care?"

That seemed to take her by surprise. "What?" 

I spun back around, trying hard to look more angry than hurt. Because, fuck, I hated how it felt more like I was getting stabbed in the heart, because that was how much I cared. I fucking cared about her, I loved her, and of course this would happen. "I don't care, Charlotte. I don't care, why would I care?"

"I-I don't-"

I wanted to take everything back when I saw the hurt on the face, but I didn't. I kept going and I didn't know why. "Think, Lottie. Did I ever tell you that I loved you?"

Lottie's hands shook, and I had to lock my jaw and look away. "No," she whispered. "You didn't."

"And why do you think that was?" My voice was cruel, reminiscent of how I used to be before I met her.

I saw a spark of stubborn Lottie come up, and she snapped, "Because you are a dumb fuck."

I wanted to laugh at her profanity . I wanted to sweep her off her feet and listen to her side and tell her I loved her, but I kept seeing Rick's face, and I kept seeing how at loss for words she was when he said he was her boyfriend. And the gigantic asshole inside me was able to spit those horrible, untrue words: "Because I don't love you." 

I didn't think I had ever done anything that had hurt her as much as when I spoke those last five words, and it killed me. "That's a lie, Benjamin Fisher, and you know it," she said, but her voice shook. 

"And so was your 'I love you,'" I shot back. "I'm done, Lottie. I'm done, okay?" I held up my hands and started backing up to my car. 

She put her hands on her hips and her eyes flashed. "So at the very beginning of conflict, you're going to run away? What's wrong with you? Why won't you listen to me?"

"I watched as some man told you how much he loved you and how you were going to go home to him later, and how you denied none of it. I think I've listened to enough."

"Well you know what I think?"

"I don't care."

She ignored me and kept speaking. "I think you're just looking for a way out! Because you're scared, aren't you?"

"Oh, so you're a psychologist too? Why don't you analyse my mind some more and tell me exactly what my problem is?"

"I just did, and you know it's true!"

I clenched my fists and threw open my car door. I couldn't think anymore. I had to get out of here. "Bye Charlotte. Have a nice life."

"Ben, wait, please." When I heard her voice break, I lost it. I knew that if I looked at her, I would drop everything and run to her. I couldn't do that, though. I couldn't just stand by and listen as someone else I loved chose something else over me. It had happened too many times, and I didn't know how much more I could take. I had to get out.

And so I did. I started up the engine and drove, not looking back once. 

***

"I hope you know that you're an idiot," Clark said in a deadpan. 

My head ached and so did my heart but I refused to admit it. "Yeah, how did it take me so long to figure out the girl already had a fucking boyfriend?" It made my insides churn. I'd kissed her and held her. I'd spilled my guts to her. I'd laid myself bare to her and after all that? A boyfriend. Jesus Christ. 

Her scoffed. "Honestly, Benjamin, you're a jackass."

"We just established that, and you're an insensitive prick," I snapped. 

"You didn't stay to hear what she had to say?" 

I collapsed onto the sofa and crossed my arms. "No."

"God, Ben, why?"

I glared at him. The one time I needed him to be sympathetic was the one time he wasn't. "Shut up."

"Ben, stop being a child for just a second, please? You fucking love the girl, and clearly she had something to tell you. But you just drove the fuck away."

"Clark, what part of 'she has a boyfriend,' is so hard for you to understand? I couldn't stay there and listen to her tell me that I'm stupid for even falling for her, for thinking I could ever be good enough for her. That guy was a prick, but I've heard of him. Rick Bienvenue. His father owns a huge oil corporation and he goes to this really expensive private university that his grandfather founded and he's studying to be a fucking lawyer. And what do I have to offer her? Nothing."

Clark stared at me for a moment. "Poor bastard," he muttered. I moved to punch his stomach, but he grabbed my arm and sat on me so that I wouldn't move. "There's seriously nobody who was ever gotten you as flustered as Charlie, huh?"

I looked down, and a small sigh escaped me. "Yeah," I said quietly. I felt exhausted and drained and didn't know what to do. I wanted to just sleep for twelve years. What was this feeling?

"Heartbreak. It's never easy, but you should have been the bigger person and listened to her side," Clark said. 

Heartbreak. No girl has ever broken my heart before, and now it was from literally the sweetest person on the planet? What were the odds? "I probably should've," I agreed, just so he would shut up. But no matter how I replayed it in my mind, I couldn't think I could have ever stayed there after hearing what I did. But I wouldn't have said so many cruel things. I wouldn't have. Lottie's hurt face hurt more than actually being hurt. If that made sense.

Clark stared at me with a goofy smile. "You've gone soft," he observed.

I folded my arms. "Have not."

"Have so! You think I've forgotten the way you look at her?"

There was no way it could be that obvious. "And how do I look at her?"

"You get super gentle and soft. It's really weird and a bit disgusting, to be honest."

I looked away and shrugged. "Well, that never helped me, did it?"

"Don't fuck with me, Ben. She's always looked at you the same way. I know there's an explanation to this."

I scoffed, waving the hope aside. "Are you kidding me right now, Clark? She looks at everyone like that, that's how she is." I couldn't even pretend anymore that I had been any different. I was probably being dramatic, but I didn't care. I was feeling dramatic and sad and felt that it was warranted.

"Yeah, but there's a big difference between the way she looks at you and the way she looks at everyone else."

"There is no big difference, stop trying to make me feel better. She's got a boyfriend."

"But I bet she doesn't look at him like he's her whole world."

My jaw clicked. "She never looked at me like that either."

Clark glared at me. "Don't even, mate. You know it. She looks at you like you're the centre of her universe. She looks at you like everything's okay because you're there, so why don't you grow a pair and show her that the feeling's mutual? Go and find her, you great galoot! Listen to her! Don't let go."

Maybe there was an explanation to all of this. Lottie wouldn't just lie so blatantly. She wasn't a cheater, right? There was no way everything we'd been through had shown anything but her true self. I knew Lottie, and I knew that I knew her. She wasn't a liar, and she wasn't unfaithful. I had been an idiot and not trusted her. 

I jumped to my feet and began to pace back and forth. She would never answer her phone if she saw it was from me now. Where would she be? Still at her father's? "I'll be back soon, Clark," I said hurriedly, grabbing my car keys and heading for the door. 

"Good boy," I heard him say. 

I yanked open the door and almost toppled over in surprise when I saw a dripping wet Lottie standing there, holding a big silver tin, one of her hands raised to knock. "Lottie? Oh shit, come it, you're soaked."

"Excellent observation, my good man," she said, but most of the cheekiness was lost amidst her chattering. My eyes widened and I grabbed her arm, pulling her inside into our heated apartment. "Hello, Clark!"

"Alright, Lottie?" he replied casually, a giant grin on his face. 

"I'll grab a towel," I muttered, kind of at loss for words. How did she get here without a ride? Why would she come back? After I was such a dick, I wasn't sure why she would come back. I jogged over to the bathroom and picked up the cleanest, driest towel I could find, as well as a shirt and sweats from my room. 

"I'll give you guys some privacy," Clark sang, grabbing his coat and walking out. I stared at Lottie shivering on the sofa where I had been wallowing in self-pity just a few minutes ago, and I walk up to her with my head hanging. 

"Here," I said, my voice low. 

She smiled politely and takes the clothes from my hand. "I'll be out in a minute," she said. I nod in agreement and watched as she scampered to the bathroom. Already, I felt myself warm up at the sight of her, as if I'd already forgiven her. As if I needed to forgive her in the first place? But before I could touch her again, I really needed to know what was going on. 

I waited impatiently for a few minutes, and when Lottie emerged from the loo, I sprung to my feet. My mouth went dry when I saw her in my clothes, my towel in her hair, and I swallowed hard. I didn't have the right. "I think..." I said. "I think I owe you an apology."

Lottie looked at my under her eyelashes and sat cross-legged on the floor, her back against the sofa. "Why?" she asked curiously.

I took a deep breath. "Because I said some horrible things, and I was really horrible. I'm sorry, Lottie, really, I am." 

"No, no, it's alright. It's me who should be apologising to you." 

I looked at her in disbelief, and knew that if she really already had a boyfriend, I would probably just wallow in self-pity for the next one hundred years. "Why?" I echoed her. 

"I should have cut to the chase and told you exactly what was going on." 

"Well, if you could tell me now..." 

She giggled, and I drank in the sound. At least she didn't sound so horribly hurt by what I'd said. "Alright, Ben. If you want the short version, when I was sixteen, I met Rick Bienvenue. He was a nice guy, and really sweet, so when he asked me out, I said yes." I closed my eyes, not wanting to listen to this. "But then, right before I moved to Manchester for uni, he got in this horrible car accident. It was kept very down-low, because the hitter was his father and they didn't want a scandal out. Rick lost his memory, and so he lost all memory of me. His doctor didn't want me around, because he said Rick needed family, not outsiders to help him heal. So I told Rick that I was breaking up with him when he had no idea what was going on, and I guess he just got his memory back." 

"Do you...love him?" I asked, coaching my voice to keep low and even, and not crack.

Lottie smiled at me. "No. I just liked him, and now, after seeing how crude he's become, I don't. I couldn't even recognise him at first, because he was dressed so differently and had dyed his hair. You should know that I don't love him, Benny."

Hearing her say that made me feel more and more like a fucking disgusting jackass. "God, I'm sorry, Lottie. I'm sorry," I said, my face in my hands.

"Oh, it's okay. I'm just glad you're not calling me Charlotte anymore." I looked up and saw her smiling gently at me.

"How come you came back when I was so terrible to you? Why didn't you stay with your dad?"

"I wasn't going to," she said absentmindedly, picking up the silver tin she'd brought in with her. "I was really hurt, so I went to the fridge to stuff my face like any other hormonal, menstruating female." 

I gulped at her choice of words, and then my eyes widened when I realised what she'd brought in the tin. "You didn't-"

"Remember how you said you never loved me? That was a lie," she said. "You shouldn't lie, Benjamin." Lottie opened the top of the tin, and I saw my lopsided, sad excuse for a cake inside, with the messy white icing on the top spelling, 'I love you.'

I bit my lip. "I'm so sorry."

"That's not what I wanted to hear from you, Ben," she said expectantly.

I blinked and then realised what she wanted. "Charlotte Carter," I said, scooting over and throwing my arm around her shoulders.

"Hm?" She closed her eyes and rested her head on my chest and I knew she could feel my accelerated heartbeat. 

"Lottie..."

"I once said I loved writing more than anything else in the entire world," she whispered. "But there is one thing even better than that."

"Hm?" I asked softly.

"It's you."