Note: This chapter includes several song quotes.

The title is from "Only Skin" by Joanna Newson

Other songs quoted are:

"I've Wanted You" by First Aid Kit

"Our Way to Fall" by Yo La Tengo

"Dear Catastrophe Waitress" by Belle & Sebastian

"The Milkman of Human Kindness" by Billy Bragg

"Tears Are Cool" by Teenage Fanclub

"Your Magic is Working" by Of Montreal

"King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1" by Neutral Milk Hotel

"Piazza, New York Catcher" by Belle & Sebastian

"Waltz for Pony" by BOY

"Emily" by Joanna Newsom

"Easy" by Joanna Newsom

"Harvest Moon" by Neil Young

Noah rubbed his thumb along the soft velvet of the ring box, his hands eager to deliver it to its rightful place. He couldn't quite believe he was holding an engagement ring. The engagement ring. The jeweler had finished making it just in time, right before Noah was planning to leave for their trip. Once they shared the news with MC's parents, Noah was going to surprise her with it.

He smiled when he saw a notification from MC pop up on his phone.

"Hey, I'm thinking we should cancel this trip. Don't worry about coming up tomorrow. I'll just come home on Sunday."

His stomach dropped. His hands felt shaky as he hastily pressed the buttons to call her.

"Hey," she croaked when she answered. She sounded exhausted.

"Hey babe, everything okay?"

"Not really."

"What happened?" Pins of panic pricked his skin.

"Bobby showed up at my parents' house today."

"What?!" he snapped. He shot up from his seat, body rigid, clenching the phone to his ear. What the fuck was Bobby trying at?

"He said he wanted to drop off some of my things."

"He knew you were at your parents' house?"

"Yeah, he texted me last night." Noah furiously ran through all the different permutations of what this could possibly mean. Had she asked him to come?

"What happened?" His stomach clenched, expecting the worse.

She sighed a weary breath. "He must have heard that we're talking about getting engaged." Noah noted the phrasing, talking about getting engaged , not "engaged". "He told me he didn't want me to marry you and that he wanted me back." Her tone was so....bland. Like she was telling him about some bad traffic she'd encountered on her drive.

Noah began pacing the room, his arms pinned tightly to his body, as he waited for her to continue. What could he say? She hadn't seemed to finish the thought yet.

"So I'm just exhausted and...sad. It just doesn't feel like the right time to tell my parents."

He took a deep breath as he rolled his shoulders back, attempting to shrug off some of the tension. "Well, I can still come up and we can just not tell them the news yet." He scrambled for a way to reestablish some approximation of their original plans.

"No...I just want to come home. I'm not in the right headspace for a lovey, romantic mood."

His limbs suddenly felt heavy with disappointment. He took another breath and tried to trudge forward calmly. "Well...it's up to you. We can always do it another time."

"Yeah..."

Noah was unsettled by the absence of her normal chatter. Every thought felt unfinished. Like there was so much she wasn't saying. "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Thanks, but...no. I'm not up for it right now."

He threw his free hand up, gesturing helplessly to no one, and managed to sputter out, "Okay, sure."

He heard a low voice call out in the background, followed by a loud barking noise. "Look, I need to go. My dad just got home. We'll talk later."

They said their goodbyes. Noah put his phone down and stared blankly out the window, trying to process what just happened.

He was torn between going to her immediately and respecting her request to cancel the trip. He wanted to go and help ease whatever pain she was dealing with. But ultimately, he trusted that she knew best what she needed in that moment. He picked up his phone again and texted her.

"Forgot to tell you I love you. Get some rest and have fun with your parents. Tell them I said hi. And if you need me, I'll drive up in a heartbeat."

He set his phone back down and drummed his fingers against his legs, unsure of his next move. He stood up and walked to his bedroom, where a half-packed overnight bag sat on his bed. He began pulling the items out. So far he had mostly just packed clothes that she had left laying around his place. Some pajama shorts, a bra, socks. She was always discarding her clothes throughout the day and leaving them behind in odd places. A sudden swell of panic bubbled in his stomach. Was he going to lose her? MC chose Bobby over him at the Villa, and Noah had watched him win her heart. Watched her fall in love. Watched the whole world support them and rejoice in their relationship. He'd been in the room while they had sex, for God's sake. The memory of that burned painfully in his chest, as he considered what might have happened between them today.

He shook the thought away and began tidying the room to distract himself. He put the rest of his clothes away. Made his bed. He noticed MC's book and a used water glass on her nightstand. He picked up the glass and started carrying it out of the room, but stopped short when he noticed the faint lip prints on the rim. He swayed for a moment, overcome by a heavy sadness at the idea of washing those prints away. He wasn't ready to lose her. He set the glass back down next to the bed.

He turned his attention to his desk and began restlessly sorting through one of the overstuffed drawers. In a pile of old mail, ticket stubs, and other debris, he came across a photo from the Love Island reunion. Noah and MC were standing next to one another, but each had their arms wrapped tightly around someone else. Hope and Noah looked cheerful enough, but Bobby and MC exuded joy. They were clutching tightly to one another. Bobby's face was twisted into a silly expression, and MC's eyes crinkled in laughter. She had really loved him. Noah recalled the way Bobby had always bent over backwards in the Villa to make her smile, dumbstruck with adoration for her. His body felt cold all of a sudden. What if they really wanted to be together? Did he have any right to stand in the way of that? Would it be selfish of him to demand that MC stay with him, if Bobby could make her happy?

He searched his mind, running through the different scenarios. And at the end of each path, there she was. Now that he'd experienced life with MC, he couldn't imagine letting it go. Her love had settled on his life like a sunset, infusing the air with sparkling, vivid color, simultaneously setting him at ease and overwhelming him. Wincingly bright lights juxtaposed with opaque shadows. Always breathtaking in its beauty. Casting everything it touched with a golden light.

Noah slammed the picture down on the desk. No. Bobby had his chance, and he'd crushed her. He bent over backwards to make her smile, sure, but he couldn't be bothered to make an effort for any other part of her. Noah had seen the aftermath of their relationship. He had held her in his arms as she cried, trying to get past what Bobby had done to her. He knew exactly how Bobby had failed her. He didn't deserve another chance with MC. If he tried to win her back, Noah would fight it, and he would win. Because Bobby never loved MC the way Noah did, and he never would.

Resolved, Noah grabbed a notepad and a pen from the drawer, and began making a grocery list.

***

When MC got the text from Noah, she felt calm and still inside for a brief moment. He always seemed to find a way to make her feel like everything was going to be okay. She closed her eyes, trying to hold on to the feeling.

"Hun?" Her father said, interrupting her moment.

"Yeah?"

"I asked you how your day was." He was busying himself preparing a bowl of kibble for the dog, but his eyes were studying his daughter's face.

"Sorry, my ears must still be ringing from Maude barking."

"What time does Noah get in town tomorrow?"

She hesitated, wondering if she should ask Noah to come up after all. Her dad sat down at the table next to her, in the chair Bobby had used earlier. She grimaced at the memory. The moment she had been hoping for this weekend felt soiled by Bobby's presence. She didn't want anything else in her life to be ruined because of Bobby.

"He's not coming...He's not feeling well." Her stomach cramped in guilt at the lie.

"Oh, that's too bad." He sounded genuinely disappointed. "Is that why you seem a little down?"

"Yeah, I guess so." She sighed deeply. "Sorry, Dad, but I'm going to go lay down for a bit."

As MC hurried out of the room toward her bedroom, she texted Noah back that she loved him, and left it at that.

She threw herself on the bed in exasperation. She hadn't handled that call well. She wasn't mentally prepared to go into everything yet, but she didn't want to worry him more by not answering. And then she didn't have the energy to pretend like everything was fine. So she'd just blurted it out. She couldn't even remember exactly what she had said. But she knew there was anxiety in Noah's voice.

She felt at once paralyzed and fidgety. It seemed she had two options: hurt now, or hurt later. She was already hurting now. She didn't think she could withstand the impact of having all her cracks repaired, only to be dropped on the floor again. So, she sat very still, and did nothing.

Although, staying still had never been her strong suit. She couldn't seem to settle herself in her parents' home. It felt too crowded. The TV was always playing too loud. The thermostat kept too warm. And she felt too close to the memory of Bobby. She missed Noah. So, the next morning, she decided to leave her parents' house early.

"I'll be home tonight" was all she texted him. She had deleted and retyped the message twenty times, but couldn't find the right words to tell him that she wanted to see him. Every version sounded too needy. Too demanding. Her head was such a mess, and she didn't want to encourage him to drive an hour to see her, only to have her mope about or push him away when he got there. She'd never felt self-conscious about reaching out to him before, but she couldn't seem to find her footing. She was going to fuck this up. She just knew it. She was going to ruin everything with her stupid, unruly feelings. And Noah was going to leave her, in some way or another.

Her phone chimed. A text from Noah. "What time? I'll come over, if you want company."

"I don't know if I'll be much fun." She cursed herself as soon as she pressed send. Why was she being so sulky? Why couldn't she just tell him that she wanted to see him?

"I don't need fun. I need you." She let out a breath she hadn't even known she was holding. Gratitude kneaded her tense shoulders. God, she loved him. She kept expecting him to cower away from her moods, as Bobby had. But he never did. She didn't even have to ask him to be there for her. He came to her.

"See you at 8?"

"I'll bring dinner."

***

When she walked through the door of her apartment, she shrugged off the heavy load of bags that had been pressing painfully into her arms and back. She closed her eyes and released a long sigh, relishing the quiet of home. When she opened them, she noticed a small bouquet of tulips on her dining room table, a note sitting next to it.

Welcome home. Can't wait to see you - N

She leaned over them, smiling, and inhaled the fresh scent of her favorite flowers. She felt calmer already. Her heart ached at the thought of him driving over an hour just to drop off this little surprise.

Her parents had sent her home with a cooler of leftovers. When she opened the fridge to put them away, she saw that Noah had fully stocked it with groceries. She typically did her shopping on Sundays and now she wouldn't have to. The clench of her jaw relaxed. Noah always seemed to make her life better.

She huffed, as she tried to quiet a mean voice asking, What will your life be like after he leaves you?

She shook her head and went to her bedroom. She didn't bother unpacking anything. After stripping down to her underwear, she collapsed on the bed and pulled the blanket over her protectively, like it could serve as a barrier between her and the rest of the world. It would be several hours before Noah arrived, and maybe a nap would help her mood. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the squall of emotions away, as she fell into an uneasy sleep.

***

There was no answer when Noah knocked on her door, so he used his key to let himself in, calling out a quiet hello. He set the pizza boxes down on the kitchen counter, and looked around for her. Noah found her sleeping in her bed. She was laying on her side, her hair was tucked over her shoulder and gathered under her chin. Her whole body curled into a tight ball. Movement flickered under her eyelids and her mouth was pressed into a tense frown. He slipped into the bed behind her and wrapped an arm around her bare body, pressing his face against the cool blanket of her hair.

MC stirred and let out a happy sigh. Her body unravelled and stretched out in response to his touch. She laid her hands against the warm skin of the arm encircling her.

"What time is it?" She popped her head up to look at the clock. "I can't believe I slept so long. I'm so sorry."

"It's no problem. I quite like finding you like this." He pressed himself closer to her.

She curved her body against the shape of him. "Thank you for going shopping for me."

"Oh no problem. It was really self-serving. Now you can spend that time with me."

"I love you." She said softly, a tinge of sadness in her tone.

"I love you more." She rolled over to face him and pulled him close for a kiss. His lips felt soft and he smelled clean, like shaving cream. She opened her mouth slightly, an invitation to Noah. He gently crossed the boundary of her lips, brushing his tongue against hers. They took their time, enjoying a leisurely exploration of each other. MC began to press her hips against him, wrapping a leg over his, and sweeping her hand along his back, under his shirt. He ran a hand up her thigh and higher, feeling the slopes of her body. His mouth moved away from hers and began exploring her neck.

Noah landed on the spot where Bobby's lips had brushed the day before, and it sent a shard of cold sadness through her. She didn't want what she had with Noah to be like what she had with Bobby. She didn't want Bobby running through her mind as Noah touched her. And she didn't want everything to come crashing down all around her. Her body braced in anticipation, imagining the devastation.

Noah noticed the sudden onset of tension and pulled back. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," she lied. "I just feel a little off."

He searched her face and ran a comforting hand along her arm, attempting to soothe the uneasiness out of her. "When did you last eat?"

"Uh," she frowned. "Not since this morning when I left my parents' house."

"What?! Alright, let's go." He rolled out of the bed and walked to her dresser. "I brought pizza." He tossed her favorite night shirt to her, and shooed her out of the bedroom.

***

MC had expressed excitement at the sight of the dinner, but was nibbling half-heartedly at her slice. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere. Noah's heart jittered with concern.

"Babe, I don't want to push you if you're not ready to talk about it but...can you tell me what happened with Bobby?"

She blew out a disheartened sigh. "I'm sorry, babe. I'm just not feeling up for reliving that right now."

In response to the worried look on his face, she reached across the table and grabbed his hand. "I just want to be here with you. I don't want to talk about Bobby."

"Fair enough," he smiled at her. "Let's talk about something else, then." He rubbed his thumb along his lip, nervously. "So, I was taking a walk earlier, and you know that park a few blocks over from my place? The one with the big fountain? Someone was having their wedding there!"

"Oh, that sounds so nice."

"Yeah! It was. I was wondering...I thought that might be nice. I mean, we haven't talked that much yet about what you were thinking...as far as, where we might want to...do that..." Oof. Smooth Noah, he chided himself.

Her eyes brightened a little. "I love that idea! You know, I was also thinking, what if we did it in a fancy library or something?"

A fluttery relief filled his chest. He leaned over and pressed a quick, appreciative kiss to her cheek. He was smiling as he pulled away and said, "I can't wait to tell our families. Then we can start planning in earnest."

Pain flicked across her face. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that...It just didn't feel like it was going to play out the way I had imagined it." Her eyes brimmed with tears.

Shit, now I'm making her cry. "Hey, I fully trust your judgment on that. I'm glad you went with your gut and told me how you were feeling. Besides, we don't need to rush it. We've got the rest of our lives."

She smiled at him weakly as a tear slipped down her cheek.

Changing tactics, Noah attempted distraction. "Let's just take it easy tonight. We can watch TV or something."

She wiped the tear away and managed an effortful smile. "Actually, I haven't been able to practice much the past few days. Do you mind if I play for a bit?"

"I'd love that."

After they finished eating, MC grabbed her cello, and sat herself in a chair near the window. Noah stretched out across the couch and read while she played. The first few songs were familiar to Noah. Instrumental numbers she played frequently at her shows. The calm he used to feel in the Hideaway with her descended over him.

She started to play an unfamiliar melody, something slow and sad. She stopped and started a few times, trying to figure out the notes. Once she smoothed out her playing, she began to hum along. Her buzzing voice evolved into quiet, indistinct singing. He made out some of the words.

This sadness came over me

So in love, so at a loss

The words went out of focus again as her playing became more sure and pronounced. Noah's eyes began to close.

I convince myself I have answers

But I always call my bluff

All I have is my love to give

Someday that might be enough

The last remnants of Noah's conscious mind chirped a distant note of alarm, as he descended into sleep.

***

They spent the next day walking around town, visiting the farmer's market, stopping in a few shops. A used bookstore. A record store. They passed by a jewelry store and Noah felt a little burp of panic in his chest. He wasn't very good at lying, and didn't think he could feign interest in other rings. But, worry was replaced by disappointment when she showed no interest in the shop. He grabbed her hand instinctively, trying to close the distance he could feel wedging between them.