[ this continues to the so.fa]

CLOSING ACT

the tears couldn't stop from cascading on his sunken porcelaincheeks.

"yeon!" ragged breath and deep voice echoing in his ears, the fifteen year old teenager who had suddenly sprinted out of their family gathering found that hymn so irritable to the point of wanting the floor to eat his existence at instant. he'd rather let the ground eat him up rather than let the man who was chasing him in the streets, catch up to him. go away, leave me alone!

i don't want you. i don't want you!

what was supposed to be a happy event to cheer up and make yeon open up to his eight year step-father turned into a complete turn of 360 degrees when the elders (who knew nothing better) started speaking about his true father (blood-related) with hushed voices and disgust laced in their tones. the brunette felt as if his father's existence was supposed to be a dirty secret that wasn't meant to be there in the first place.

the words they said were like a broken record playing inside his head.

"do you still have any means of communications to that scumbag?" out of accident, yeon heard one of his unties spoke, the question clearly directed to his mother. with practiced nonchalance and even if he knew it was wrong of him, the young boy hid at the spot where he could eavesdrop.

oh, how he wished he just never listened.

he wished he could turn back time and just leave right on the moment he heard his untie sooyoung speak, that the moment he heard the arrogant tone mocking his real father, he should've walked far far away, should've let the elders speak on their own but-

he didn't.

he didn't and his heart was torn into pieces.

"we heard that he returned to busan for good"

"you know jiho, i knew right from the start that he wasn't meant for you."

"i heard that he settled down with another woman again, can you imagine his guts?"

"good thing you finally realized how-"

left, busan and another woman. he moved on, too. papa moved on, mama have taehyung while me-me!- thousands of thoughts rummaging his mind as he realized once again how his first family seemed so impossible to return. it was impossible to return to the times where he had his papa guk and mama ji. the times where everything was perfect. the times where he had everything he wanted. why? why? why?!

"yeon!" hearing the tone hum in his ears again, he was sick of pretending to be okay. leave me alone!

i have no one. with hurried footsteps and no particular destination in mind the boy continued to run an endless chase.

eight years ago, bearing the painful memories of his parents' divorce, yeon wanted to start anew. right after his parents' divorce, he tried to be nonchalant and indifferent when jiho had remarried.

i want my family back.

blurry vision and heart twisting into knots, his tired legs couldn't stop moving, he couldn't tame the treacherous tears to run and paint his cheeks that even if he's heard his name being uttered from his back an endless times, he wouldn't dare stop running.

"yeon!"

yeon felt like everything was collapsing and hanging on a thin thread. go away. i don't need you, go away! "yeon!" the voice continued to call, pulling the heartstrings in his fragile and doubtful heart.

"yeon!" tiredness getting the best of his body, his legs finally gave out as he stumbled and fell on the cold and hard floor, face first.

"yeon!" the voice that used to only consist of his step father was now accompanied with the soft and silky hymn- jiho's. soon enough, a pair of strong arms has carefully lifted the young boy's body but, the moment he realized the person who has managed to steady him on feet, he couldn't help but push the man away from him.

"don't touch me! you're not even my dad! you're not the one i need!!" mad, confused and conflicted. the fifteen year old boy who's eyes painted with tears and sadness in his heart, screamed and spoke the spiteful words that tore his step-father's heart inside out.

"i-i'm sorry" voice breaking midway, the older's deep voice wavered at the end of his sentence, clearly shaken of his step-son's clear declaration of hatred.

the despair and disappointment mixing to form an ugly emotion was mocking yeon's weak and young heart, all of the frustration that had piled up for the past eight years because of betrayal and confusion has erupted into an unstoppable stream of foul words. jinyeon has had enough of this. i want none of this, none of it all.

it's just a never-ending war, isn't it?

"jinyeon jeon!" red flashing in the eyes of the said boy's mother, "i didn't raise you to become this disrespectful!" the woman reprimanded her son, completely aware to the crest-fallen expression of her current spouse and bratty attitude of her son.

"that's the point! i am a jeon, not a motherfucking kim!" breaking the words to his mother, the son made his thoughts clear and it left jiho speechless, eyes immediately glossing with tears.

"i-i will always be a jeon and will never be a kim. nothing you do will ever make me change my surname into a motherfucking kim asshol-" a slap. a thunderous slap meeting his sunken porcelain cheeks made yeon's heart tremble at the realization that it was his mother who had hurt him.

like an unstoppable dam the tears stained his cheeks but as if mocking his mother, yeon challenged jiho into a staring contest but what came in his sight broke his heart. swollen eyes and a trembling figure, yeon saw how his mother looked uneasy with restrained anger. "the motherfucking asshole you just disrespected is the same man who treated your mother like a human . . . no, treated us human"

feeling weak at the fragility of his mother, yeon couldn't find the next words to say as he wiped his own tears. "m-mom-"

not giving any shits of what yeon was about to say, jiho's shaky voice continued to chime. "t-the moment your father cheated on me . . . the moment j-jeongguk treated me like a trash, everything . . ." pausing as if the next words were to unbearable to speak. "everything in this world turned black and white"

heart wavering, jinyeon could feel his limbs shaking with unfathomable emotions, inner turmoil running unstoppable in his body. "the man you just pushed away was the same man who picked me up, who picked the both of us from oblivion."

"i-" feeling small, jinyeon's words got caught up inside his throat, breath hitching against his ribcage. "you don-"

"i've always considered your happiness too, but if you want jeongguk in your life, i'm afraid you'd have to leave and live with jeonguk on your own. if you wish for me and jeongguk to be husband and wife again, i'd rather die." lips tightly shut, yeon saw how his mother weep.

"you don't know how much-how much i wanted to die when he broke my heart over and over again. i wanted the ground to just eat me up whole and vanish but . . but i remained strong for you. you only had me, you were that thin thread that kept me going and i-"

"m-mom-"

full out wheezing and whimpering as tears choked her words, "only taehyung-your step father helped me"

"mom-"

"i don't want to force you to warm up to taehyung but i just want you to know that i'm not being forced. i'm not mechanically loving your step father and what i'm feeling is true, i love taehyung. i love him and i just wish you'd be able to respect that-" hearing enough, not having the heart to hear the next words escape on his mother's lips, yeon sprinted away once again like a coward.

run, run and running away in this endless maze.

"yeon!" adrenaline in his veins, the young man was desperate to run. eveything, everything was just falling apart, i'm alone. i want my family back, i want the past to return where it's just the three of us. the boy was too caught up in his own cloud of thoughts and right before he knew it . . . everything came stumbling down.

"yeon!" an ear deafening noise, followed by an endless sound of tires screeching, everything escalated quickly.

a shriek mixed with a pained cry and shattering heart - like curtains falling at the end of the show, the red hues stained the white bed of snow.

jinyeon jeon didn't even see an incoming truck.

*•✿ ✿•*

sometimes, i wish . . . i wish the moment i open my eyes again, everything was just a stupid nightmare and i still have you right beside me.

that everything - that the heartache, the betrayal and the tears we've both shed were just a figment of my mind.

and the reality when i open my eyes is . . is i still have the most beautiful woman beside me, still have the one who had loved me whole-heartedly but—

beads of sweat staining his forehead and with ragged breath, he stood with trembling legs. hesitation was in the tips of his hand and nervousness slowly crawled in the back of his heart. he knew that he shouldn't be here, that his presence wasn't even needed. he knew that he shouldn't have come, he shouldn't have stepped foot out of his misery-filled house but . . . but the urge to just see his son and ex-wife ate his heart into two.

— but everything . . . everything has tragically ended.

like a moth dancing with the flame, jeon jeongguk was playing a dangerous game.

standing in front of the all too-familiar-place, the white pristine halls and the smell of disinfectant permeating in the vicinity was too much of a remembrance with one of the most painful memory to him. the perfect form of mockery with the use of weakness slapped him —the hospital.

the one hospital where a part of him was taken and was never returned — both physically and emotionally.

jeongguk's sweaty hands carefully traced the familiar wooden door as if too scared to even emit a minimal sound. funny how he stood at the the same room where verything shattered into his life. eyes shifting to the little glass window, even before he could fully see who was inside the ward, his gaze abruptly fell downwards as he heard a tinkle of worried and hurried footsteps . . along with the panicked voices.

"hoseok, what room?!" "it's room 1108 jimin!"

three, as if a countdown his heart started hammering when panic flows into his system, jeongguk knew that he shouldn't let himself be seen.

no, if they saw me then . . . then it's over.

two. as the clock tick closer and the echoing footsteps becomes louder, the urge to just run and leave ate him.

what am i even doing here, right now? would it even make a difference? would i still be able to see her? would anyone let me in? am i . . this is just futile.

"jimin, be careful! i know we're in a hurry but i don't want another one of my relatives getting hurt"

one. ragged breathing and the squeaking sound permeating in the hallway, jeongguk was frozen on his spot. leave or stay?

i have no right to go in here in the first place and i— i know that but—

at the last minute the man had wanted to turn on his heel and pretend like nothing happened but, hesitation crawled in the tips of his fingers.

rewind. eyes clouded with unwelcomed tears, jeongguk could clearly remember the shock and panic filling his whole body when he coincidentally saw the unexpected news in his TV while he was still clearly sulking in the comforts of his own home.

the images from the news flashed right in front of his train of thoughts and he couldn't help but choke on his sobs. the blood was painting the white snow into crimson red, the familiar silhouette he has been missing and the heart wrenching scene that unfold in his eyes.

for the first time in forever, something had caught his attention.

"

long red crimson hair and the familiar silhouette he had always yearned for. seeing those signs, jeongguk's lips immediately quivered as another round of fresh tears erupted in his eyes. "n-no" at that moment the man wanted the world to stop, he wanted everything to pause and never play back into life. his world has once shattered into nothingness, it was already too much and when he was just starting to accept the fact that he should be happy because jiho was happy . . . everything was just collapsing once again.

hearing those words, the man couldn't help the way his body moved on its own as he bolted out of his house and immediately went to the hospital where the three people in the news was admitted to.

play. shaking his head with a new-found determination, he stayed rooted and the hesitation that coursed in his veins vanished into thin air. the man gripped the knob and hastily opened the door, pushing all the what ifs at the back of his head. i want to know. i want to see for myself, i want to know if the both of them are okay. if the both of them were safe —if the both—

"j—jeongguk?" "p—apa?"

"wha—what—" oh my god, i— relief coursing in his tensed veins, jeongguk didn't let the person finish her statement as he immediately threw himself to the woman and son he had been dying to touch.

a few scratches here and there but coming in one piece, jeongguk couldn't help to be thankful. thank the heavens, the gods for whoever listened to my prayers.

"p—apa?!" the voice that used to be so cheery now became a little too deeper in his ears, eight years has passed and some things were meant to change but he couldn't contain his happiness.

"i—i was so worried, i was so—i thought, i thought—" choking on his own sobs, jeongguk couldn't help but let the uncontrollable dam of tears fall on his cheeks as he tightly hugged the two in his arms. his exhausted legs were almost giving out but he could care less when he knew that his family was safe. they were okay, they're not dead and they're still here. still here.

for the past eigth years that he had been grieving for the loss of his family because of his infidelity, this was the first time he had felt real happiness. he knew that this happiness is only short-lived but he wanted to savor the moment . . . even just this time, he wanted to relive what it felt like having them beside him.

please let me be selfish, just for once.

*•✿ ✿•*

lingering stares, unspoken thoughts and feeling elated, jeon jeongguk sat beside kim jiho inside the quiet ward. jinyeon reluctantly had gone outside together with his uncles to grab some food while they left the ex-spouses alone to have some privacy.

eyes trailing on the person laying on the white bed, jeongguk couldn't help but feel guilty and hopeful. the man was guilty because it felt like it was his fault why something like this happened, he knew that there was no way he had something to do with the accident but he just felt . . incompetent. if only i—

secondly, as bad as it sounds like, he felt hopeful. jeongguk was delighted to know that neither jiho or jinyeon had been hurt and only a few scratches marred their skins but, the moment he had regained his composure and saw who was badly injured, along with the happiness the dark thoughts clouded his mind.

kim taehyung has yet regained consciousness.

what if he never wakes up? jeongguk knew that it was bad to be hopeful, to be this glad when taehyung was in this state . . but he couldn't help feeling the selfish thoughts to resurface.

i must be crazy. feeling worse, jeongguk felt embarrassed to have such evil thoughts.

tick tick, the sound of the IV drop seemed so painfully calming as two individuals had a thousands of questions running in both of their minds but, none of them wanted to break the shared a comfortable silence radiating in the room.

with practiced accuracy, jeongguk's eyes carefully trailed on jiho's way and as if like a madman caught under a spell, jeongguk began tracing the woman's features. porcelain skin, such long eyelashes and flowy crimson hair prepped into two braids, jeongguk could feel himself melting with fondness. how lang has it been? how long has it been since i've last seen her this upclose?

i've missed you so much.

god, you don't know how much i . . just, just want you. i want to hold you.

"y—you've dyed your hair" jeongguk instead murmured softly despite the thousands of unspoken words. sipping through the caramel macchiato in his hand, the man immediately shifted his gaze away, too afraid that he might do something he'll regret. "i—it suits you" he continued as his heart continued to hammer inside his ribcage, pointing out the visible change on his ex-wife.

"y—yeah" jiho whispered too faint for the ears, "y—yeah, tae recommeded it" the woman murmured before a sniffe broke into her lips and jeongguk immediately felt alarmed.

eyes widening with the sudden outburst, jeongguk was almost about to wrap the woman into a warm hug when the next words that escaped in the other's lips stabbed his heart.

trembling figure furiously wiping the teardrops that escaped on her brown orbs, the jiho murmured heart-wrenchingly, "i'm scared, gguk. i'm scared that tae will never wake up" and there was jeongguk's heart, breaking.

who was i even kidding?

"i don't want to lose him" the woman let out a broken sob and almost immediately, jeongguk felt a tight lump forming in his chest as his eyes sting with incoming flood of tears. of course, she loves him still. she loves taehyung, not me. even if he was in a coma, he still is—

gathering all courage and pushing the unecessary feelings in the back of his head, jeongguk carefully wrapped the weeping woman in his arms. this will be really the last time, the last time i'll ever be this way. being selfish for the last time, the man relished the way how jiho's small frame perfecty fit in the missing gaps of his body even if . . even if she won't ever be his to claim ever.

biting the sobs that wanted to escape, jeongguk murmured the words that he knows for sure would happen. "he'll wake up, taehyung would wake up for you and that's for sure"

let's stop, let's stop holding on to something . . to something that won't ever be ours.

*•✿ ✿•*

a father-son talk never felt so suffocating.