bleary vision and heart aching with voidness, the man was sat on the sofa that seems too big for one person.

jeongguk was miserable.

eyes dead as his lips quivered with the unspoken thoughts, eyes pooled with fat and angry tears, his heart hammered against his ribcage beating because of pain. the man reached out and downed another bottle of soju in one go before throwing it to god-knows-where.

"i'm sorry, yeon"

sobbing into his hands as he was careful to not soil the paper in his fingertips, the man called out to the name of his son as his body trembled with the tremors of his sobs.

it was three days after the wedding and jeongguk was barely hanging in there. how ironic it was that only after almost three years was when he was able to read the letter that his son gave before his surgery. by some kind of miracle, jeongguk stumbled upon the blue piece of envelope.

"yeon, jiho" the names always left a pang in his heart. the man yearned for the two more than anything in this world, if he could sacrifice all of his wealth in exchange for a chance to bring back time, he would gladly do so.

futilely wiping the tears that continuously flowed, he brought his knees closer to his body as he curled up in a ball. remembering the words that yeon wrote on the paper couldn't help but tear him inside out as he let his eyes trail on the words once more.

❝ papa, by the time you've read this, everything might've been too late. but still, i believe there's still hope for us, for our family and i just wish that there's still us in the jeon family. ❞

❝ the thing is, i've heard uncle jimin that he won't let you get close with mama after you have gone through the surgery. uncle jimin said that i won't be able to see you, anymore. after this night— mama and yeon wouldn't meet papa, ever. i don't know why and i want to know why but they won't give me answers. i'm not a child anymore and i'm not ignorant! i want to know why, i want to know! Why won't they tell me why i can't see you anymore?! why won't uncle jimin let mama see you? ❞

❝ is it because you're going to leave? are you really going to leave us? papa said sorry right? you said that you'd fix us! you said we're still going to be a family and you'll do anything, right? you said that you'll make it up to mama. you said that you won't leave us, that you still love mama. papa, please . . . please, i don't want you to go. i love you both. i love you and mama the most so please, please don't go. ❞

❝ i'll be good. yeon would do good, just don't leave. please. ❞ a tear drop falling on his eyes.

❝yeon doesn't know what will happen next, but papa i want to see you. i want you to come back, please. please, don't leave. uncle jimin wouldn't tell me what would happen between the two of you when you enter the door with the doctors. uncle hoseok just said that you're going to give a half of yours and i couldn't still understand. ❞

❝ please, please come back. ❞

❝ i want to live with you and mama. i want to grow old with you two, i want to have a baby sister. i want to be happy, i want to go to different places. I want to go to disneyland where you and mama saw mickey, i want to ride the longest roller coaster. i want to do everything i want to do with the both of you, i want you and mama. i don't— ❞

a tear escaping on hid eyes once more. me too, me too, i want to. i want to . . . i want to live my whole life together with you, yeon and your mama but i'm–

❝ –i want to experience everything together with you two. i don't want anyone else, so please. please come back. ❞

i want to live to forever with you two, too. but i can't, i am not even worthy anymore. i've been a coward and your mama has moved on, now. "i love you to the moon and back, jinyeon jeon"

jeon. you may bear my surname but your mother's heart won't ever beat the same way as mine.