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in which i have never thought jinyeon would bring that up.

the night was still young when jinyeon and i arrived at home. letting jiho go to their office despite a day off gave me an immense bad feeling and, as much as i tried to push the unnecessary feelings away, i couldn't seem to brush the conflicting feelings off.

i should trust her. it's okay, there's nothing wrong. everything's going to be okay. everything is—

remembering the way jiho's face scrunched into fear as she had received the call made my mind formulate different bizarre scenarios as it slowly drove me insane–no, i'm not okay. what if there was something wrong, what if she got caught on an accident on her way to their office. what if lilia came to to the office again and they needed her to fix it? what if it was her lecherous boss?!

paranoia clouding my thoughts, i couldn't calm my nerves even if the cold shower should let me release the steam inside me. what's happening to me? i should calm down. there's nothing wrong, she's okay. she texted me when she arrived at the office and i should just wait 'til she arrives . . . yeah, that's right. she's going home sooner or later.

pulling myself together, i let the cold water distract me from the conflicting thoughts. after having a decent bath, i decided to check my son if he was already asleep, i should make myself useful if i'm going to wait for jiho's arrival but what caught me off guard was to see jinyeon waiting for me at the master's bedroom sitting on the soft mattress with deep thoughts.

"hey, buddy. what are you upto? " i asked, sitting beside my witty boy as i dried my still damp hair. the boy had his gaze fixated on the floor as he played with his fingers, clearly distracted as he didn't even flinch when i spoke. the boy must've not heard me, for a second, i realized how much of a carbon copy was jinyeon to me. he had my features – doe like eyes, thin upper lip and pointy nose but despite that all, his heart was of jiho's. the child may look a complete copy of me but his personality is much like his mother - kind and understanding, they always try to see the good in a person but there's always a point of no return. once their trust is broken, it would take a long time before they would warm up to the person who broke their heart.

"yeon?" holding his busy hands, i tried to get the attention of jinyeon. it's like his body was beside me but his mind was drifting far to where i couldn't reach. i knew jinyeon was a lot smarter than kids most of his age, i get that he could've got that trait because of me. when i was a child, books were my only companion and my passion in learning became evident. it's no surprise that jinyeon came out as an intelligent child but jiho's trait of being unreadable is what made jinyeon vulnerable . . . like what he is, right now.

"papa?" the boy asked as his eyes finally met mine, i could've sworn that i saw how his eyes went glossy but when he blinked it was as if i was seeing things.

"yeah, yeon? wanna talk about it? let's see if papa can help" i tried once more, keeping my voice as soft as possible to not scare yeon away.

eyes drifting to our linked hands, his little fingers wrapped itself against my larger ones, yeon chewed on his lower lips as if having an internal battle. "you know you can tell me anything, buddy" i pressed, clearly becoming worried with all of his hesitation.

"papa . . ." the voice that came out of his lips were shaky, as if he was afraid of speaking what was inside his head. heart churning, i pulled the young boy against my lap to help ease his nerves. "hey . . there's no pressure, honey. you can tell me anything but always remember that no matter what happens, papa would always love you"

"papa – i —" lips unable to formulate the right words, the little boy's eyes started to get glossy as fat and angry tears soaked his cheeks. oh love, why?

my heart started to panic. "yeon, shh. oh honey, shh. don't cry" pulling the younger and letting his body press against mine, he nuzzled against the crook of my neck and i embraced his small frame, as his petite fingers held unto me like his whole life depended on it.

"papa – it hurts, i'm scared. papa, papa–" ugly sobs escaped his lips as heart-wrenching pleas flowed non-stop. "shh, you're okay yeon. i've got you, papa's got you"

body trembling against my hold, eventually all the shaking that escaped in his delicate body ceased and only little sobs remained. sighing and letting my heart slowly calm down, i slightly let the child pull away as i wiped the drying tears against his puffy cheeks.

"yeon" whispering softly as possible, i tried to juice the information to my son and i thought that i was going to fail, that he wouldn't speak to me and he would let his thoughts be hidden again but this time, yeon spoke and . . . . what came out of his lips terrified me.

i wished my ears were just fooling me, i wished that everything would stop from moving and i'd never asked only to know the painful truth.

"i – i know that papa w—wants to divorce mama"

eight words. eight words was all it took to make my heart feel like it had been torn into two. eight words, just like the way i had started this mess. with just a simple number of words everything could shatter into pieces – the relationship, the trust and love, everything would be torn with no way of fixing the broken pieces just like the way it used to be.

"y—yeon . . ." opening my mouth only to close them again like a fish does, i tried to speak only to find no right words to utter. "p–please, there's no . . . there's no point lying . . . to me" he'd whisper as his voice came out so fragile and i wanted to beat myself so bad for hurting my son, for letting my selfishness ruin this family.

"i–i heard the two of you fighting one night and . . . and i thought you two were just arguing but, i was wrong . . . i heard how y–you want to separate with m–mama" heart constricting in pain, i wanted to tell him how sorry i am for hurting his innocent heart. I want to tell him that, that's not what's going to happen anymore and i'm never going to let the divorce to happen but before i could do so, yeon started to speak once more.

"you two were just playing an act in front of me. you two were just pretending to be fine when all along, the two of you are . . are beyond repair. you're acting as if hiding the truth from me would protect me when all you've ever done is lie again!" yeon, please stop.

"y–you don't love mama, anymore" no. you're wrong. it's all in the past and i'm going to change it—

"i–i tried fixing the relationship you two had but . . . but it was of no use. i am useless, with all the things i know . . . i can't even find any way to—to mend o–our family"

"yeon—" "why, papa? why did you fall out of love for mama? mama is — mama is—" lips trembling as his voice wavered, fat tears now rolled in the corners of his cheeks once more as he desperately wiped them away. "y—you said that mama is — mama is the most beautiful woman y–you have ever seen and as long as — as long as you had her beside you—" whimpering, the little boy rummaged on his pocket as he fished a gleaming golden and circular object before shoving it to my large ones.

the other ring, the one that— "mama, that ring is mama's"

"yeon, listen to me" "no! you, papa listen to me!" lips tight into a frown, this was the first time i've ever seen jinyeon act way out his character.

"i hate you! i hate you for hurting mama! my precious mama! i hate you!" little hands fisting against the fabric of my sando, the boy started giving me his little punches.

"you said that mama is your life! mama is your source of strength! where did that papa go?! give me back my papa!" his whine slowly became a fit of screams as he continued punching my chest, "give me back the papa that would show how he clearly loves mama! give me back my papa who would never hurt her! give him back! bring back my papa who lived from two years ago! give him back to us! i don't want you! i want my old papa back! the one who would treasure my precious mama! who would stay with us forever and! . . . and! love us unconditionally!" stop it, please. capturing the shaky hands that futilely threw punches against my skin, i couldn't tame the way tears clouded my vision.

"no! let go of me! i'm not yet done!" it's my fault, this is all my fault.

"i—i'm so sorry, yeon. i'm trying, i'm trying t–to fix everything"

"no, you're not! you're lying! you aren't trying! if you were really trying to fix it then, this wouldn't have to happen!" he screamed on top of his lungs before harshly breaking away against my grasp and storming out of the vicinity to shut himself on his room. "yeon, please open the door"

futile and pointless, i know how impossible it was to make him forgive me after everything i've done. "i'm so sorry, yeon. please, please talk to me"

silence.

at that point, i wished that if i could turn back time, i would make sure to never do the same thing again. i would make sure to never let this happen cause . . . it hurts and everything feels like its falling apart.

i wished for jiho's arrival that night but with only a text message that i recieved, it wasn't enough to tame the way the conflicting thoughts ate my sanity away. i tried contacting her again but it was fruitless, as the clock continued to tick, the longer i realized how fucked up i had been.

please, come back home now. i need to see you, jiho. i need to make things right. i need to tear those divorce papers.