→ The past is in the past - Let It Go

→ If I can't see you, you can't see me

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down the last few numbers to ten, I sprint up the stairs to try and find a last minute hiding place. My tiny feet tip toe across the carpeted hall and finally, creaking open the door of the laundry room, fit inside the laundry basket.

"Ready or not, here I come." Daddy sings, his voice increasing a few pitches on the last word. I hear his footsteps disappear and reappear a few minutes later, closer than ever. "Hmm... I've searched just everywhere. Could Jess have disappeared in thin air?"

I fight back a giggle. I lift the top of the laundry basket a tiny bit, just enough to get a glimpse of daddy, standing by the laundry room door. "Maybe she's secretly an elf and went to the North Pole?" He makes binoculars with his eyes and face his hands to the ceiling. "Oh, elf Jess! Come out, come out wherever you are!" I follow his line of sight to the ceiling, near the attic door. Another giggle erupts within me and this time, daddy hears it. I quickly duck back inside the basket, the lid falling back into place with a thump. I cover both my eyes with the palm of my hand. 'If I can't see him, he can't see me.'

A few quiet seconds later, the lid of the basket lifts up making light flood my crouched position inside the basket. My eyes remain closed though, with hopes of becoming invisible.

"Ah ha! There Jess is," he peels my hands off my face and I blink, getting used to the new scenery.

"Daddy thought I was an elf." I laugh maniacally as daddy pouts. "Elves have big big ears. Do I have big big ears?" I tilt my head to the side and then at an angle, trying to catch a glimpse of my own ears. It doesn't work.

"Nope, you have itty bitty ears until you become a big girl. Now can I have a kissy for searching that long?"

"I am a big girl. Daddy gets no kissys until he says I'm a big girl," I whine, stomping my foot.

"Fine, fine. My angel's a big girl now-" I cut him off with a peck on the cheek. "And now she's back to a little girl."

He picks me up as if I weigh nothing and throws me lightly in the air, before catching me in his hands. "She's my little girl."

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I had gone to bed that night with a smile never leaving my face and slept nightmare free for the first time in a long time. Now in the morning, my mood didn't change slightly as memories of the, safe to say, magical night hadn't felt my brain. Little did I know my mood was going to be dampered the moment I walked down the stairs. The alarm rang its quiet tune and I responded, quickly pushing my covers off and getting off the queen sized bed, not protesting like I usually did. I ran a comb through my hair and tied it up into a high ponytail with an elastic band to make it look presentable. Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I pulled the door open while simultaneously pulling on my ponytail. The long hallways I had grown accustomed to followed and I skipped down the stairs to the dining room.

"... progress so I don't know how to tell her," I hear Caden whispering aggressively when I reach the landing of the staircase.

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion and tip toe a little further down the stairs to try and pick up more of their conversation. Luck wasn't on my side though as Eli looked up at the exact moment, catching me eavesdropping. The tensed look on his face immediately dropped and he smiled softly at me. Eli's smile was one thing that stayed continuous from the time I had met them but this smile was different than the usual one. The right side of his lip was tilted down ever so slightly that it was almost not noticeable. It lacked the happy glint that was always in his blue eyes as he smiled. Instead, this reminded me of a one I was familiar with from adults in the past. The look of pity.

"Hey there, munchkin." If he had caught me eavesdropping, he didn't choose to mention it.

I stroll into the kitchen, swinging my arms hoping to look careless and oblivious. The last bit of tension that was in the air dispersed as all the boys turned to look at me smiling. They all sat at the round kitchen table, each with equal spaced chairs. Caden stood leaning on the counter, flipping pancakes on the stove. He held the spatula downwards pointing towards the pan. That was new. It was normally the chefs that did the cooking when Caden left for his usual early mornings.

"Had fun last night?" Caden asks gently, still avoiding meeting my eye.

"Yeah, lots of it."

"That's good," he says, pausing with his mouth slightly agape, as if he had something else to ask.

"Just spit it out," I sighed, growing tired of this irregular behavior. They were keeping something to me and I was dying to know what it was. I was slowly growing more and more irritated as the boys kept exchanging looks with each other.

"Okay Jess. I know I asked you this before and we kind of dropped the topic after," he starts, clearly stalling. He puts the spatula down on the counter and rubs his hands together. "Your mom's funeral is tomorrow. If we start driving today afternoon, then we should be there by tomorrow morning at the start of the ceremony."

I immediately freeze when I hear the new information. "Jess, we'll all be by your side the entire time," I hear Eli's voice say soothingly as he rubs my shoulder. It doesn't help though as the heavy pressure in my chest that I thought I had gotten ridden of comes back in a rush. Reality comes crashing onto me a second later and soon, the pressure is more than I can handle.

I killed my dad. I did something so wrong that even my own mom didn't care if I died. I was a burden to my brothers and this happy family. I didn't belong here.

I pulled out of Eli's grip of my shoulder and tried to flee out of the now suffocating room. Eli held onto my shoulder tighter, not letting me go as much as I struggled. I dropped to the ground without another choice, my feet not being able to support my weight any longer.

Dead.

I bend over so my head touches the kitchen floor. My hands grip onto my hair, the feeling of someone yanking on my hair never leaving. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth as I bite my tongue, the feeling too similar to the one from the accident.

I killed dad. It's all my fault.

"Jess," I hear a deep voice with mixed desperation call out. But it was all too far away. I could feel the tears running down my face but it was all too hard to wipe them away. My arms felt heavy, restrained and almost impossible to move.

I needed to get out of here.

The world started spinning wildly, everything out of control. The once clear kitchen table legs in front of me became disoriented and blurry.

Suddenly, after a few minutes of pure torcher, the world comes to a slow spinning stop. The table in front of me finally becomes clearer and my arms move to my pleasure. I moved my hand out of Mason's grip where he was gently caressing it and wiped the tear on my chin away. The boys all surround me, giving me deja vu of my first days here.

"I'm sorry," I say sniffling, the words wobbly.

"No, no, no Jess. You have nothing to be sorry for," Eli immediately responds, pulling me into a hug from in front of me. I rest my head on his shoulder as he mumbles how sorry he is to me.

"Jess, you have to understand that we will be with you the entire time," Caden speaks, rubbing my back as Eli holds onto me a little tighter.

"Yeah, we'll always be there for you." This voice surprises me the most, Aiden. This was probably the kindest thing Aiden had ever said to me and it meant more to me than I could ever express. In fact, all the boys' words did. I didn't think they were going to come with me when Caden first told me but now, I realized how much I needed it. My hiccups echoed across the dining room as I tried to put a stop to my crying.

"We'll go," I say softly.

"Okay angel, you sure you're okay?" Eli asks, the circles he was rubbing on my back slowing down. My breath catches when he calls me angel and tears reappear in my eyes. "Hey, hey, it's okay. Did I do something wrong?" The guiltiness in his voice shines through.

"That's what my dad used to call me." I offered a short explanation. I noticed them trade glances again and it was then I realized that it was the first time I talked about my dad since the nightmare. Maybe someday I would be able to tell them but today was not that day. "When do we leave?"

Caden looks caught off guard by the sudden subject change but quickly recovers. He swipes at something on his gray watch before looking up again. "I think a hour would be a good time to start." Eli nods in confirmation, also checking the time on the antique clock hung up on the beige kitchen wall.

"Everyone get packed! We're going on a road trip!" Mason exclaims, clapping his hands together cheerfully. The mood immediately brightens from there. All the boys sprint upstairs shortly after to start packing as per Caden's instruction. Eli is the last to leave, giving me one more concerned look before marching up the stairs as well.

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The car ride goes by in a blur of car games, sleeping, and music. Mason brought a deck of cards that we set up on the opening platform in the back. The car kept bumping on the road, messing up the set cards but we ended up having loads of fun. Mason's singing kept the car lively bright though Aiden complained, the smile never left his face either. Before I know it, we reach a restaurant near our hotel to eat dinner before going to bed for the night. Tomorrow was the real funeral and as nervous as I was, the boys managed to distract me the entire car ride here.

"Wait here, I'll go order," Caden tells us as we all plop down on the tiny tables of the 24/7 restaurant. Mason immediately rests his elbows on the table, putting his head down on his hands. The long car drive had definitely taken a toll on all our energy levels.

My legs felt jittery from sitting on the comfortable car seats and my hair was splattered everywhere. "I'm going to go use the bathroom." I say, standing up from the seat hoping to make myself look presentable. A sign at the back of the restaurant reads bathroom, pointing to a tiny hallway on the side. Pushing open the large door of the girl's bathroom, I make my way inside and catch a glimpse of my disheveled reflection in the mirror above the sink.

Tired lines show visibly under my eyes and pieces of hair stick straight up from static. My face, free of any makeup, looks- to say the least- tired. My eyes droop, almost halfway closed and my blouse wrinkles from my curled up position in the car. I run my fingers through my hair and flatten it out while fixing my blouse's shoulders. Splashing ice cold water onto my face, I rub my cheeks and forehead. The paper towel dispenser wirrs and out comes two long pieces of paper. I rip them off and wipe my face before looking at the noticeable improvement through the mirror.

Pushing through the metal door once again on my way out, I hear it slam shut behind me. Before I make it through the hallway though, three girls that I hoped never to see again block my path. With their clear fake nails and long eyelashes, their cake faced makeup are ones I saw daily at my old school. Bullies, queen bees, school rulers.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't little Jessica," the first girl- Brittney- sneered, venom lacing each of her words.

"We missed you very much." The tone in the second barbie's voice sounded anything but genuine. She walked a little closer to me, like a predator circling her prey. Her acrylic fingernails reached out, touching my chin lightly bringing back memories I tried to hide.

These girls were only part of what made my life at my old school torturous. They were the ones responsible for spreading the most cruel rumors about me and taunting me with nicknames all school long.

"Students, this morning when I walked into this classroom, I found the answer sheet to our final test missing. Please confess if you or someone you know did it." Our history teacher had announced the day of our history final that I had studied for a month in advance.

Brittney's hand shot up almost immediately. Brittney wasn't the tupe of girl to admit her sins so it shocked me. I genuinely believed that she was changing for the greater good that one minute. Boy oh boy did I realize how wrong I was.

"Brittney?" The teacher called, his eyes narrowed at the one girl sitting in the back of the classroom, her shoulders straight. She lacked any regret or sympathy in her eyes.

"Mr. Brooke, I'm sorry to say this but I just have to because this final meant so much to me. I saw Jessica steal it just this morning. She put it in her bag." She announces, smirking at me as soon as Mr. Brooke's head was turned in my direction.

"But, I didn't even-" I start, confusion lacing my tone.

"Open your bag then," Mr. Brooke close to growls in my direction. Stuttering, I opened the bag, sure that he was about to find a blank bag. My mother had burnt all my books in the fireplace yesterday night when she was drunk so I had to come to school today empty handed. At Least she spared my bag.

But lying inside the first zip, was the exact answer key the teacher was looking for. The class gasps on cue, like a suspense movie.

"You not only stole it but have the urge to deny it. To the principal's office, now!" The teacher had screamed at me, snatching the sheet out of my grip. Brittney and her barbies had waved to me tauntingly and videotaped the whole thing from under their desks. By the end of the day, catcalls were being blown out everytime I walked by.

"Yeah, where were you, Jessica, love?" The third girl asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"I... leave me alone," I say, finally gathering up the last bit of courage I have and step forward.

"Aw, Jessica has finally grown a backbone," she taunted, curling my hair menacingly between her fingers. I tried to snatch the hair back but she gripped on tighter. It felt suffocating, those three girls surrounding me in that tiny hallway. I thought I was done with this. I thought I never had to come back here. I stand, praying for one of the boys to show up like the weakling I am.

"Were you sleeping around with new people, little slut?" At that exact moment, the last person I had ever expected to come save me turns the corner of the restaurant. Aiden.

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