→ "You love me? You have a tough way of showing it"

→ I love love playgrounds

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"PUSH ME, PUSH ME!" My sandals slap against the tanbarked floor of the park as I run towards the tall big girl swings. Holding onto the chains on the side, I pull myself up by swinging one leg over and jumping onto the seat. My feet dangle off the side of the swing and I shake my feet back and forth, trying to make the squeaky swing move.

"Hold on tight, angel!" Daddy stands behind me, holding onto the rusty chains of the swing set. He pulls back, taking a few steps back, and lets go, pushing me forward.

I squeal in delight and watch my feet fly further and further away from the ground. I hold onto the chains tight and look up at the warm blue sky. A few scattered clouds float with distance from each other, whisky white waves coming out from all sides. When the swing comes back down, daddy pushes on my back again and the swings rusty chains squeak as I fly into the air once again.

"Higher, higher!" I felt so close to the sky that moment. If I could just let go of one hand from the chain I was gripping ever so tightly and stretch a hand into the air... I could visualize myself touching the sky. I would touch the fluffy cloud, betting they would feel as soft as a unicorn and sleep on the crescent shaped moon. Maybe see the cow jumping over the moon too.

A jet flew in a straight line across the sky, leaving a line of puff in its path. It created a divider line in the middle of the blank canvas sky. The blank canvas of a sky that I wished so badly to splatter some paint onto.

"Daddy, I wanna touch the clouds!" I declare, trying to edge my feet further away on my way up. I let one hand go off the chain and reach up but when I looked at it at this angle, my chubby hand was just a tiny part of the huge sky beyond.

I looked down to see that another young boy had walked near the pole of the swing, waiting for his turn in line to touch the beautiful sky. Daddy pulls on the chains to pull the swing to a stop and I pout.

"Come on angel, let's give everyone a turn, okay?" I nod, happy to pass on the joy and jump off the swing. Daddy was always like that; helping people whenever he got the chance and making sure every single thing, from swings to work, was fair to everyone.

"Race you to the sides, dadda!" I call, taking my usual head start in a rush. I sprint towards the play structure on the other side of the playground and turn to see daddy following close behind me. "Catch me if you can!" I holler, giggling.

"Oh I will, Ms. Gingerbread woman!" Daddy reaches his hand out and pretends to grab onto my shoulder. I run a little faster, seeing the slides in view and daddy misses.

"No you won't!" I say panting and almost run into the blue curly slides. I grip onto the slide to catch my breath as daddy comes to a stop right besides me. "See! I win," I make clear, making daddy laugh.

"But I let you win on purpose," he says teasingly.

"Nope, I won fair and square," I emphasize crossing my arms on my chest before running to the stairs of the play structure. The tiny holes on the steps are covered by my mickey mouse sandals. I reach the top where a spinny wheel, like the one on daddy's car, is attached to the barred structure. I hold on and spin it once in a complete circle and lean on the railing to see daddy watching me with a smile grazing his face. He puts a hand on his forehead to see me against the bright sun and waves once he notices me looking. I wave back enthusiastically, running to the next part of the structure.

I take hold of the bar on top of the slides cover and push off it to slide down the curly slide. Each turn makes me giggle with delight as I swish down the slide and land in the sand pit. Laughing, I stood up and ran to where daddy was standing. He bends down to dust off my clothes that had gotten all sandy.

"Where to now, princess?" He asks.

"The monkey bars." I gallop over to the bright yellow bars and jump up to take hold of the first one. A ladder also connects but I find the ladders useless. 'Jumpings more fun.' I go through the monkey bars once, gripping each bar in front of me before falling half way through.

"Ouchies daddy, my hands hurt," I say, opening my palms in a fist to free over and over again. "Can you do the monkey bars with me?"

"Me? Sweetie, I think I'm a little old to do the monkey bars," he says and walks over to the bars to prove his point. He reaches up and his hands go through the bars themselves just with him standing.

"Daddy's old," I tease giggling.

"Oh really now?" He scrunches his face up at me.

"You said so yourself, old man." I tease, sticking my tongue out at him. He grabs onto me under my pits and lifts me onto his shoulders. I hold his head tightly, giggling and he spins around.

"Well then, your old man is very strong if he's able to carry this munchkin," daddy claims, pretending to flex his muscles. I poke at them and scrunch my face before hugging daddy.

"I love you, old man."

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"So..." Alex propped her elbows onto the cafeteria table turning towards me. "Heard you went to Ryan's house Saturday?"

She had convinced me to sit in the cafeteria- as I like to call war zone- for the first time since I had enrolled at this school. Normally, I would sit at the shady bench by the bleachers under the cherry blossom tree but today I was physically dragged to this room. We were sitting at a corner table near the door of the cafeteria, me eating the cafeteria's soggy pizza while Alex plopped grapes into her mouth.

"How the heck did you know that?" I ask, almost spitting out my water.

"So you did!" She cheered. "Oh and perks of sitting behind Jack and Tyler in math."

I chuckle at her over excitement before confirming with a nod. "Oh my goodness!" She squeals. Suddenly taking hold of both my hands, she leans over. "Tell me everything."

Like two gossiping girls, I revealed every detail of Saturday, stopping in between to hear Alex's commentary. "He totally likes you!"

"Wha- No way! How the heck did you come up to that conclusion?"

She offers me a blank stare which I return in all its glory. "Oh please don't tell me you don't realize." I raise an eyebrow and shake my head consciously. "Listen, Ryan- the bad boy who literally talks to nobody besides Tyler and Jack- laughed and joked with you! Oh my goodness, this is like the cliche romance stories. Oh my god, oh my god! Good girl with the bad boy! Ah! I ship so badly! Ryess? No- uh- Jeyan!"

That was impossible, right?

"Number one, I am not a 'good' girl!" I flail my arms wildly, using air quotes.

"Prove it!"

"How the heck am I supposed to prove that? By getting Fs in all my classes?"

"Do it!"

"Wait I was using sarcasm."

"And I'm not!" Taking one look at my shocked stare, she burst out laughing. "I was joking, you idiot!" I let out a sigh of relief.

"That's besides the point. He freaking likes you, you... you oblivious gorilla!"

"That's impossible!"

"What's impossible?" A new curious voice joins the conversation and I look up to see Tyler looking at us, along with every single pair of eyes in the cafeteria. Ryan, Tyler, and Jack both plop onto the opposite side of the table, the cafeteria, including the lunch ladies may I add, assessing their every move. Alex's jaw drops open as she gawks at them.

"So, what's impossible?" Jack adds, oblivious to all the attention that had followed them to this table.

"Come on, don't leave us in the dark!" Ryan whines in a baby voice that makes us all chuckle.

Alex recovers almost immediately, shooting me a sly look. Realization takes over and I kick her under the table before answering myself. "That pizza's are pies!" I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"Well then, I agree with shy girl on that one. How could pizza be a pie if there's such thing called pizza pie?" Tyler shrugged.

"Shy girl?" I ask, giving him a look. He shrugged again.

"But pizzas and pies look so alike!" Alex whined, catching on.

"Literally yeah, I'm with Alex," Jack chose.

"Ryan, you're the tie breaker!" We four all turn towards him.

"I'm with princess over here," Ryan points toward me. I groan, against all these nicknames. Alex on the other hand looks at me with her jaw dropped, mouthing 'Jeyan.' I place my head in my hands and groan louder.

"You guys wanna go bowling with us tomorrow?" Jack asks casually.

"I'm in," Alex's replies almost immediately, though she continues watching me like a hawk.

"Yes! My new best friend's coming!" Tyler throws an arm around Alex's shoulder which Alex shrugs off, giving him a scowl.

"I'll ask my brothers and tell you guys tomorrow."

"Mkay!"

The conversation continues without stop and the lunch bell rings before we know it.

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During dinner that day, we all sit on the fancy table that I'm still getting used to. The conversation usually flows smoothly and we all take turns sharing about our days. Caden normally talks about his job at the firm and Eli about exams at college. Mason inserts jokes in between making everyone laugh and shake their heads and talks trash about his teachers during his turn. Adien doesn't add as much, occasionally adding snarky comments but other than that, talks about his friends. When it comes my turn, I talk about my classes and homework assignments we got which Adien normally comments as 'boring.'

Today was nothing different until I realized that I would have to ask the boys about bowling tomorrow. Before I had a chance to speak though, Mason started. "So Jess, heard tons of rumors today that Rycray, Jacka*s, and Tyty hung out with you today. Hope those aren't true," Mason starts with a laugh.

"Who now?" I could practically imagine the image of confusion on my face.

"Those are his nicknames for Ryan, Jack and Tyler," Eli corrects with an eyeroll.

"Yeah, actually that's what I wanted to ask you guys about. Could I go bowling with them and Alex tomorrow?" I ask, deciding it was the perfect opportunity to ask.

"Wait, I was joking, you're serious?" Mason asks, visible disbelief dancing on his face. All the boys stiffened, including Eli.

"Yeah?"

"I thought you said you were just meeting with Ryan for a project! You're lying to us now?!" Aiden yelled, pushing the chair off the table standing up. I sit in a sense of shock, confused on why they were acting this way.

I just wanted to go bowling with friends right?

"I did! We worked on our bio project!"

"Liar," he scoffed, crossing his arms accusingly.

"Enough," Caden cut in sternly, preventing the argument from escalating. I was practically shivering with nerves at this point. "Jessica, I know we never mentioned any rules so we'll go over a few things after dinner. Aiden, sit down and eat."

The rest of dinner passed in a tense silence until Caden beckoned me over to the living room. All the boys sat on couches around the room and I sat on the corner couch.

"I realized that we may have to say a set of rules. Okay so number one, no drinking, smoking, or drugs of any kind. Unless given permission by us for prescription ones." That one seemed reasonable enough.

"Two, please be at bed by 10 PM each day and be home by 9 PM each day unless we say otherwise." I was almost always at home so I didn't find a reason to rebel against that one. I nodded.

"Three, pass all your classes. No strict rules but just do good in school and don't ditch."

"Four, stop with the attitude I noticed earlier. I don't appreciate any sort of talking back to me or any of the other boys. Remember, I'm your guardian now as well as your brother and I expect respect." I opened my mouth to protest but one look shut down everything I had to say. I swallowed my words but knew that nothing they could say or do could make me stop my sarcasm. I was done with the innocent act and they had no right to control my life like that. I didn't care if they grounded me or took away my phone; no use for that anyways.

"And this one might be the most related at the moment. Absolutely no boyfriends-"

I cut in immediately. "None of them are boyfriends! I just wanted to go bowling with a few friends and apparently that's against the laws now," I scoffed, sarcasm dripping off every word as I already managed to break one of his rules. And he wasn't even done saying them.

"Watch your attitude," Caden growled menacingly and I gulped.

Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut? Sensing my fear, Eli walked to my side and placed a hand on my shoulder, offering a strange sense of comfort.

Caden sighed, his tone less intimidating and if it was possible, more friendly this time. "I was just getting to that. Friends that are boys are allowed as long as we approve of them. We just want to protect you."

"And thank you for that but I honestly just want to make friends. I never had friends before and I guess I just wanted to have a friend. I'm sorry." I say, once I was sure he was done speaking, making sure not to repeat my previous mistake. I bite my lip in an attempt to keep my tears at bay. I was craving their approval and love and I didn't want to mess it up but somehow I always ended up doing it. They already saw me as the 'broken girl' and I was clearly playing my part in making it worse.

When did I become so weak?

"You can go tomorrow Jessica. I'm sorry too, we should have listened to your side of the story as well," he looked at me with pity in his eyes.

"What! You're just letting her go like that! What type of-"

"Aiden, that's enough of you. Go to your room," Caden commanded.

"But-"

"Now," With one glare, devoid of any emotion besides burning anger, Aiden scurried up the stairs. Eli squeezed my shoulder softly once again.

"Okay, let's all go to bed now and get prepared for a great day tomorrow, alright?"

No one argued.

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