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→ "You're beautiful just the way you are" - Alessia Cara

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I squeal at the top of my lungs, my voice echoing across the empty living room.

It was Christmas morning and the Christmas decorations that we had put up just the week before gave the room a cheerful light, even through the dark skies visible out the curtained window at six in the morning. Our tiny christmas tree stood in all its glory with white blinking lights, matching the ones hung on our porch, twirling itself around each layer of the pine tree. One stocking with the initial J was hung right above our recently lit fireplace and a yellow star stood proud on top of the tree, bright enough to light the entire room.

I was delighted to see that Santa had eaten the milk and cookies we had left for him but a bit upset that my Santa catching camera ran out of charge in the middle of the night. But the two presents wrapped in Christmas designed paper on top of the soft red mat was enough to make any of my disappointment disappear.

Daddy walked down the stairs holding the railing for support and rubbed his eyes before letting out a yawn. "What's going on here, little one?"

I ran up to daddy and pulled on his hand, trying to make him walk faster than a snail. "What's the rush?"

"It's presents, daddy," I say in an exasperated voice, my eyebrows pulled up not understanding how daddy could be so unexcited about presents.

Daddy chuckled in reply, before bending down and lifting me up. I giggled, trying to struggle out of his grip as he engulfed me into a bear hug and held me by the arms, spinning me around in circles. I put my hands out at my sides, pretending I could really fly. When daddy finally let me go, I ran over to the presents and grabbed the one wrapped in green paper. Daddy let out another chuckle and out of my corner vision, I saw him grab out his phone to videotape.

"Ten years from now, let's see how much you'll enjoy this."

My chubby little fingers grabbed at the tape, pulling it off before ripping open the packing paper, not paying even the slightest attention to daddy's words. After all, it was going to be a huge eternity before ten years passed, right?

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"Aiden, please don't tell me you actually were stupid enough to put the icecream in the microwave?" Eli asks onto the phone, exasperated, his fingers clutching the steering wheel. I tap my fingers against the windowsill, a small smile grazing my lips as I listen to the- no, my- brothers bicker over the phone. The hospital we were driving to to visit a therapist for my first session was about an hour away from the mansion.

"It was an accident!" a voice whined through the car speakers. Eli exhaled loudly in response, his eyes focused on the road but not before a quick eye roll. He shifted the steering wheel at a 90 degree angle, turning onto a suburban street.

"Did you ruin the entire tub of ice cream?" Eli questioned. I rolled my eyes at the direction of his 'deep' concern.

"No and I didn't ruin the ice cream!"

"Save me some ice cream!" I couldn't help but ask before clamping my mouth shut. Eli eyes me through the rearview mirror before wearing a mischievous smile.

"And you roll your eyes at me," he scoffs, a teasing glint in his eye.

He saw that?!

"There's such a thing called a rear view mirror, my love." And at that moment I realized I had spoken aloud. I looked down embarrassed, my cheeks heating up, but a sudden rush of confidence and realization that these boys were my siblings made me look up again.

"Mhm, just like your concern for the ice cream," I shot back. Eli replied humming, giving me an amused look from the rearview mirror.

"Both of you aren't gonna get any, the ice creams all mine!"

"Sharing is care, little yoda," Another voice I recognized as Masons spoke from the other end of the call.

"Hey! Don't you dare touch my ice cream!" A few cuss words from Aiden and grunts from Mason later, the call ended.

"But I was the one that bought it," Eli muttered under his breath but it went inaudible as the phone went silent.

I stifled my laugh with a cough. Eli turned into the empty parking spot across from the large building. Flinging the car door open, I stepped out into the eye-hurting sunlight. Eli followed shortly after, turning the car off and shoving the keys into his pocket. He led the way onto the shaded sidewalk and into the building's reception office.

I took a shuddering breath as he walked upto the long counter at the front of the room, one that looked awfully similar to the reception desk at a hospital. The accident was the last time I had ever been to a hospital and those are memories I hoped not to relieve.

After a short interaction with the woman wearing a shoulder tag at the reception desk, he turned around to see me hovering near the door. Giving me a short look of concern, he gently accepted the dark gray clipboard the receptionist offered him.

Taking a seat on one of the chairs of the office, empty except for me, Eli, and the receptionist, Eli motioned me over and I cautiously stood next to him. "Sit, I may need your help filling out this form."

I obeyed, looking over Eli's shoulders to see a set of questions, lined in order in Times New Roman font. 'Last visit to the hospital?' The first question read. I gulped, not wanting to admit the amount of years it had been since I had last been.

"Jess?" Within these past weeks, I had gotten used to the boys calling me 'Jess', like dad used to do. Afterall they were family too.

"Uh- I-" stuttering between words, I tried to find the least panickingest way to phrase it. "Like 10 years ago?" I say sheepishly. Eli's eyes widened before giving me a quick nod and writing 'N/A' on the answer side of the form.

A few awkward questions later, the form was finally filled out and Eli stood up to hand it back to the receptionist. I exhaled softly, thankful for Eli not asking any uncomfortable questions or prodding for more answers.

The receptionist stood up off her- as I liked to call- a spinny chair and pointed towards a door on the left. I watched her lips move as she instructed Eli on where to go, me reading her expressions like dad taught me to. Eli motioned for me to follow him and I walked behind him carefully, my tiny steps right after each other, almost touching.

The receptionist knocked on the door to a room at the end of a hallway in a three knock pattern. A brown haired man, with his coat's top button off, pulled the door open. "Welcome, welcome!"

The receptionist left us with a tiny wave, exited through the door and back into the long hall. The therapist ushered us inside what seemed to be a tiny room. Stepping inside though gave me an entirely different perspective. Large windows letting the sun shine through, the rays of light falling onto the brown couch on the side. Certificates hung on frames around the room, all signifying the credentials of the therapist.

Pointing us towards the couch, he directed me to sit down and then turned to Eli. "Would you mind waiting outside during the session?"

"Of course," Eli said softly, offering me a reassuring smile before turning around to exit the room once again.

'Clearly you didn't expect to be left alone in this room with this dude,' a voice in my head claimed and I almost laughed at the truthfulness of the voice.

"Jessica, is it? Well, I'm Dr. Aaron." The therapist smiled warmly at me and pulled up the brown foldable chair that previously sat at the corner of the room. I nodded, wringing my hands together on my lap and biting my bottom lip. "Okay, to start our-" he looked down at the fancy watch strapped near the wrist of his hand. "One hour session. Jessica, this is a safe space and anything you say, no matter if I write it down or not, will not be shared. I'm not going to force you to speak, that's all up to you though I want to help you and if you talk, I can help you." He seemed genuine enough, a gentle smile on his face and slouching slightly in his chair. I nodded once again, still not knowing what he expected of me. "So, tell me a little about yourself. Who is Jessica Willens?"

"M-my full n-name is Jessica Jane Willens."

"Okay, what is your favorite thing to do, Jessica?" He prodded calmly leaning forward, not seemingly bothered at my stuttering.

"I like to draw and read."

"Draw? Wow! I was never much of an artist, are you good?"

"Uh-" My cheeks turned bright as I looked towards the ground. Dad had taught me to draw and when living with my mother, drawing was my escape. Whenever she came home drunk, making out with her new boyfriend of the day, I ran over to my room not wanting to show her how much it bothered me that she wouldn't even ask me how my day was. I would sit under my blankets with a flashlight standing up by the covers in my small attic room, drawing for hours on end. Drawing nature scenes were my favorite. It showed me how big the world was and how there was so much more to explore, so much more to see. I would draw the never ending sky and wish laying in bed that I was able to touch those clouds of my imagination, not on the sheet but in real life. "Kind of," I reply vaguely.

"That's awesome, Jessica!" Dr. Aaron replied enthusiastically. "Well, this next question may be a little personal but I'm going to ask you, why do you think you are here? And don't just say because your brother-?" He looked to me for confirmation and I met his eyes for just a second to nod. "-Okay, brother told you to come."

I'm here because my life sucks. I'm here because my mother was a horrible excuse for a mom. I'm here because the person I loved died and it's all my fault. I'm here because I feel like I love my brothers but I don't know if I'm capable of loving. I'm here because I'm broken.

But out loud, I only say, "Because I had a nightmare." Dr. Aaron looks at me with a raised eyebrow, as if he wants me to elaborate but I shake my head. Maybe someday I would be ready to talk to him but that day was not today.

Who knows what he would think of me if he knew I killed my dad?

"Alright, that's no problem! We'll start slow. So, tell me, do you enjoy baking?"

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And that's how the rest of the hour went by. Dr. Aaron asked me questions and me answering, sometimes one word answers and sometimes elaborate answers. The questions were never too deep, just general questions about myself and as much as I hate to admit it, not as bad as I thought it would be.

"Okay and that's time! Jessica, it was amazing meeting you and I'll see you next week, right?"

"Yup! Thank you, Dr. Aaron!" He grins widely at me and waves as I step towards the door. Eli stands near the door, leaning on the wall and scrolling through his phone with a bored look glooming over his face. 'Scare him,' a devil voice in my head speaks. Agreeing with the voice, I grin mischievously and tip toe over to behind the chair. I jump on his back in piggy bank form and his head jerks up in surprise. Seeing it's only me on his back, he smirks as I laugh at him teasingly.

"Now time for payback, young lady!" He declares as he pushes the door to the office open with me still holding tight on his back. I scream, 'put me down' as he spins me around in circles. "Fine, you wanna go down, right now, 1... 2... 3." And at the end of the countdown, he drops me on the sidewalk.

"That hurt!" I claim while rubbing my butt and attempting to stand up again while Eli laughs his head off unsympathetically before 'sashaying' over to the car.

"Paybacks well deserved, my love!"

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