"I've never in my entire life had a pizza this good before" Chris mumbled swallowing his slice, "which one is that?" he asked turning to Maddie, who ordered for each one of you, all of you being way too scared to order for yourselves.

Imagine mispronouncing the name of the Italian pizza, hearing the waiter on the other side of the phone unable to suppress an arrogant, amused huff, correcting you, later on making fun of you with his coworkers. Yes, that would probably be the last time someone's ever heard of me.

"The one you told her to order, idiot" Ben answered bluntly before Maddie had a chance to, Chris' middle finger shooting up almost immediately as he kept eating unbothered. Mads leaned over to take a look at it.

"Quattro Stagioni. Ham, mushrooms, artichokes, black olives, mozzarella and

tomatoes" she recited flawlessly, leaning back as Bens left arm found his way back on her shoulder, everyone watching her in silent awe.

"Did you know that Quattro Stagioni actually means four seasons, which is why the ingredients position is the most important factor. Each one must be placed in its own quarter" you added nonchalantly, suddenly remembering you've read that somewhere before, as everyone's gaze now shifted to you.

"Impressive" Chris stated unsure, leaning back on his elbows, "But there's something else about it. Like the secret ingredient for Krabby Patties, you know?" he added smiling to Rodrick mischievously.

"Must be the taste of success amigo" Rodrick answered proudly, throwing his arm over Chris' shoulder, nodding his head excitedly.

It was Monday, 1am, when you were sitting with your friends at the beach, celebrating Löded Diper's success with takeout and milkshakes.

It was still warm outside, about 68°, a little windy. No, that would be exaggerated. It was more of a gentle breeze, stirring the leaves of the few trees located on the coastline from time to time. Fresh, cool, calming. It was dark, obviously. The only thing lightening up the beach being the street lanterns standing a couple feet away and the moon in its croissant looking shape.

The guys considered the idea of making a fire but quickly dropped it, realizing they wouldn't find any wood and even if they did, they would still find a way to fuck it up somehow. This is nice. All you did was just sit there, eat peacefully and have lighthearted conversations. You simply enjoyed your time, just living like today was the only day that mattered,

living like there was no tomorrow, even though there was.

In fact, tomorrow was today, and today

was a school day. But no one really seemed to care, skipping seeming like an unspoken casualty.

You laid down on one of the blankets Rodrick brought from his van after finishing your Vegan Buddha Bowl, a sudden wave of tiredness washing over you, like each time you finished a huge meal.

You yawned silently, rubbing your eyes from exhaustion, fighting the urge to just take a nap right here right now. But as you closed your eyes you suddenly felt someone you immediately recognized

without needing to open your eyes, sitting down next to you. Of course it was Rodrick - didn't take a genius to know.

"Nice socks y/l/n" he commented quietly not wanting to interrupt the others' conversation, Chris' laughter echoing in the background.

You opened your eyes squinting slightly as you faced Rodrick looking down at you, your eyes darting to your feet as soon as they got used to the faint lighting.

You had a thing for happy socks, loving that every pair was individual. You've got your first pair on Christmas when you were 13 years old. They were lovely- that's probably the first time you considered love at first sight being an actual thing. It became an obsession at some point, but hey, as soon as it didn't hurt anyone except of your wallet that was okay.

"Thanks" you answered giving him a weak smile before closing your eyes once again, feeling yourself slowly dazing off against your will.

Seriously, you really didn't want to fall asleep while celebrating someone's success, but this position was surprisingly comfortable and you were abnormally tired. You were laying on a blanket on the soft sand wearing your coziest ugly sweater that purposely fit a little loose and a ripped, washed-out boyfriend jeans without your shoes on, since they were filled with sand.

You were full and it was late. Tell me how the fuck you were supposed to stay awake under these conditions? Right.

The conversations in the background slowly fell silent, becoming quieter and quieter. You didn't know what they were talking about anymore, but maybe that was because you didn't even try to understand them. It was time, now there was no turning back. Wow, now if that didn't sound dramatic.

I'll be honest with you, I usually don't even notice when I fall asleep. You know, I'm awake and all of a sudden I'm sleeping. It's that simple. It's like it's some mental blank, except that you don't ever get your memories back. You just have to deal with the fact that you have no clue of what you're doing for about 1/4 of your lifetime. But sometimes, like right now, I feel that I'm falling asleep, you get me? It's like entering a portal of unconsciousness. Well, but then again that's it. I don't know shit about where we go when we fall asleep either even though I am the main character of this story, quite disappointing, isn't it?

"Y/n?" you suddenly heard Rodricks very faint voice, like he was calling for you from another dimension, tapping on your shoulder lightly.

"Y/n, you asleep?" he asked genuinely. Bruh, there's no way he's actually being serious right now.

You decided to ignore him and his idiotic question, trying to get back into that peaceful state you were in just a few seconds ago. Breath in, breath out. Stay calm.

You felt yourself relaxing again, your mind free of all thoughts. Nothing. You weren't thinking about anything at all.

Good. This is amaz- "Y/n" you've heard your name being called once again with a repeated tap on your shoulder. Oh hell nah.

"The fuck do you want Heffley?" you scoffed tiredly, your eyes still closed as you haven't had the strength nor will to open them yet. You hated being woken up, doesn't matter by whom or by what. If you didn't wake up all by yourself, naturally, well rested, it wasn't a good morning, your bad attitude kicking in faster than the speed Lighting McQueen put up.

Your parents didn't even start a conversation at the dining table during breakfast with you no more, knowing you'd lose your temper over the simplest and most innocent questions ever. A simple "when you're getting off today?" making you lose your shit.

I'm seriously not trying to romanticize this and yes, I' am in fact working on it, but it is not easy.

"Are you sleeping?" he asked the same question all over again. You felt the unbearable, stinging anger spreading in your chest, rising with each second, longing to break out in waves.

You didn't say anything at first because you knew you'd regret it later on, especially since it was their day. Instead, you let out a heavy, nearly shaky breath, internally counting till 5 slowly, trying to calm.the.fuck.down.

You've seen this in one of those anger management videos on YouTube. It didn't work.

"Yes, I am sleeping. The fuck did it look like to you? Like a really long blink?"you answered sarcastically, unable to suppress the bitter tone to your voice.

He chuckled quietly, which annoyed

you even more.

"We're celebrating and you are falling asleep. Are you serious?" he asked mocking, his voice filled with amusement. This was funny to him. He had fun while you fought the urge to not slap the shit out of that stupidly grinning face in order to finally shut it up.

"As I'm not wearing a red nose and face paint, you can assume that I am serious" you hissed, finally opening your eyes for a second before abruptly closing them once again because of the seemingly extremely bright light.

"I'm sure you'd certainly look adorable with your face painted as well" he said joking as you let your eyes adjust to your surroundings.

Looking around you noticed Ben whispering something in Maddies ear, making her giggle quietly. Then there was Chris telling some story excitedly, his arms making huge gestures as Jake watched him amazed. And then there was Rodrick sitting right beside you, looking at you innocently.

Fuck. You felt like retching out your fucking organs, it pissed you off so badly.

“Please excuse me for a second” you said standing up abruptly, your vision going dark for a second due to low iron. “I’m just going to rinse my face with water to wake myself up a little” you added gesturing to the water source just about 50 feet away from where you were sitting now, not waiting for an answer, heading away as quickly as possible, getting away from the pathological positivity.

With every step you took you could hear the voices behind you less, just like you did when you fell asleep. Were you even asleep after all? You weren’t quite sure about that anymore.

By the time you finally reached the water, quiet mumbling was all you could hear. You kneeled down shaping your hands in a bowl, filling it with the cold water, splashing it all over your face.

You breathed out heavily. Your heart rate slowly began returning to its usual rhythm as your shaking hands started to relax. It felt like the water was gradually washing off all the anger and rage that built up in you within seconds.

Two minutes later all of it was gone. All those self-destructive feelings disappeared and you wouldn’t know when they’d come back. But you knew they would. They always did. And once again you wouldn’t be prepared. You wouldn’t be able to stop them. Isn’t that embarrassing in a way? You know, losing your shit over the smallest things?

It’s confusing, frustrating.

That’s how you felt right now. But that’s the thing with anger. You could suppress it as much as you wanted to, but you wouldn’t ever be able to stop it from breaking out one day. And when it did, it either ruined your relationships and the people around you, or it demolished you.

I believe that’s what you call killing someone slowly, mentally. Sometimes even physically, but I don’t know. Maybe that’s just me being overdramatic. But that didn’t matter now.

I’ve got it under control now.

You stood up. Dried your cold face with the sleeves of your sweater. Walked back to your clueless friends.

You would be happy now, or at least act this way.

Laying back down on the blanket you were greeted by Rodrick’s genuine smile. Pure. He really never had to worry about anything. Or at least it seemed this way.

You closed your eyes again for a quick moment, not running the risk of falling asleep anymore. Not after such an anger attack.

Once again you felt him looking down at you. You instinctively opened your eyes just so see him staring.

“What?” you asked curiously, still keeping your voice down as the others seemed to have picked up yet another conversation.

Your eyes linked, dancing with each other, a short moment of silence passing before he finally spoke up. “Your eyeliner's all smudged,” he stated, laughing wholeheartedly.

“Stop, that’s so embarrassing” you mumbled, covering your face with both of your hands ashamed, yet unable to suppress your own laughter, that didn’t stop until Rodrick gently pulled your hands away from your face, placing them over your head.

“God, you’re so beautiful” he whispered quietly to himself, barely for you to hear, his eyes piercing into yours, pupils dialed widely.

That’s what you’ve noticed. His eyes. You couldn’t look away. And his smile. It wasn’t a wide smile. It resembled more of a smirk, sly yet without the wit. Genuine. A small smile that still reached his eyes somehow.

You didn’t say anything, neither physically nor mentally were you able to. It felt like you fell into a trance while your brain tried to process what he’s just said.

It wasn’t the first time someone’s called you beautiful, but this was different. This made you feel something, a wide range of emotions you never knew before. Was it his words or the look? The look that said so much more than words could ever describe. It was probably a mix of both.

“Oh, look you guys” Ben’s dominant voice brought you back to reality, both of you turning your heads in his direction at the same time, your mind still lingering on what Rodrick just said.

“It’s our favorite couple of best friends” he added sarcastically now that he had everyone’s attention, pointing at the two of you laying in a very non- “we’re just friends position” one’s might suggest, Rodrick’s hand still holding both of yours, fixating them over your head.

He quickly pulled away, your friend group breaking out in laughter as you felt your red painted cheeks hiding in the dim light.

This was a typical example of Ben’s usual behavior. He always said what was on his mind, bluntly, uncensored.

He was outspoken and didn’t care about anything nor anyone’s opinion and didn’t feel shame about anything he did – most people hated it, here everyone seemed to have come to terms with it. It was just who he was. He was unapologetic and surprisingly never lied. He always told the truth, up to a point where it hurt, a point you wish he had just kept his mouth shut. Yeah, keeping up with Ben surely wasn’t for the weak.

“Shut up dude” Rodrick responded quickly, yet unable to suppress a small, seemingly proud smile.

Meanwhile you locked your eyes with Maddie, shooting her a nervous look, showing your slight discomfort.

She nodded lightly for no one else but you to notice before she let out an awkward cough that somehow managed to silence everyone.

“So, any ideas of what you’re going to do with the money you won?” she redirected the topic decently, distracting all the boys skillfully, putting them in their mind, as you shot her a grateful smile which she returned immediately.

You totally forgot about the $2000 the winner of the contest received, now genuinely curious of their answer as well.

“Split it probably. I feel like everyone needs new equipment” Rodrick answered, being the first one to speak up, Ben and Chris agreeing silently, nodding.

“But like, Walter as well?” Chris asked turning to Rodrick, slurping his strawberry milkshake nonchalantly.

You raised your eyebrow addled. “Why wouldn’t you want to split the money with Bill?” you finally asked disoriented, your gaze quickly shifting to Maddie and Jake, that seemed just as confused as you were. “He is your lead guitarist, was present during the contest and served, all jokes aside.”

“Yeah, well,” Rodrick spoke up again, clearing his throat uncomfortably, “Bill. He’s leaving the band” he added avoiding everyone’s gaze.

“Yeah, no. We’re kicking him out actually,” Ben threw in remarkably candid.

Seconds passed by without anyone daring to say a word, each one of you too stunned to speak, letting the truth sink in.

To be honest, you didn’t even know why you were this surprised. It was so predictable. Right from the start you knew that it would happen sooner or later. Bill just couldn’t be in a band – that's a plain fact. He was very talented, of course. But he barely ever attended band practice, and when he did, he was either high or drunk most of the time. He was unreliable and always did his own thing, uncompromising. He was a free spirit - that’s a nice way to describe him, which was absolutely okay. But it just didn’t work well while being in a band.

“We thought you could replace Bill actually, y/n” Chris said tearing you out of your thoughts, the whole band looking at you expectantly.

You furrowed your brows confused, frowning, tilting your head to the side, wondering whether they were being serious. You opened your mouth but closed it again as you didn’t know what to say.

“It would be pretty cool, especially since you’re our best friend already. We wouldn’t have to go through that awkward getting to know each other phase,” Rodrick added, trying to convince you

.

“And you’re my neighbor. That’s very practical as well now, isn’t it?”

“You guys are dumb as hell,” you finally answered, gaining surprised looks only.

“You realize you’re searching for a new lead guitarist, not bassist, right?” you added, crossing your arms over your chest, raising one brow questionably.

“Oh, right,” Chris spoke up nodding, “what a pity” he added pouting.

“I can’t believe we’ll have to search for a new band member now that we’re practically famous. You guys have any idea how many people are going to rehearse now? That shit’s gon be exhausting as fuck,” Ben sighed dramatically.

“We’ll be lucky when we find literally anyone dude,” Rodrick rubbed his eyes tiredly, actually being realistic for once. “But let’s not worry about this today.”

Those were the last words you remembered from this night. I mean not exactly. It’s not like you blacked out or anything. You do remember what you did and how you got home of course. It’s just everythinghappened in sort of a blur. You know that feeling when you get home after an amazing day and someone asks you about the details and you cannot tell because you simply do not remember? It’s like all the positive memories are blended together and all that is left is that fulfilling, good feeling in your chest? Okay, you probably don’t. Me neither. It’s usually the bad memories blending together, where you forget the details because it’s just way too traumatizing. And maybe it’s better this way. You just gotta imagine then lol. But it sure is a pity when it happens to good memories, isn’t it?