My story began like the most, happy and healthy. Right after I moved to a new town at the age of 3, I started being bullied by my neighbours. Although, it wasn't that bad. It was simply calling names like "fat,ugly" since I was a chubby kid but I was still happy because I didn't care much and I had great a great self esteem... but it was all about to change for the worst. I went to play with my "friends" and used to come back all beaten up and bruised. I was the youngest one (they were all about double my age). It did not have a good impact on a 4 year old me. I told my parents about it, but they were so busy with their work and would just tell me to "toughen up" and deal with my problems. They were least bothered. And besides that, they used to hit me a lot too.. to the point where I cried so much I couldn't breathe properly. I was a sensitive child already.. they took off their stress and anger on me. Now, I was in school. It didn't take long for the classmates to start bullying me. I remember being pushed down the stairs several times and being called names. My only support was probably the teachers. But BAM! no. I was 5 years old (soon to turn 6) when I got inappropriately touched by this male teacher for over a month and I was scared to tell anyone because I thought it wouldn't help. But somehow I managed to talk to my mother about it but you know, she was "busy"... That teacher soon got kicked out for abusing another kid who complained to the principal about it. He sure did leave, but it was not easy for me to drag myself out of those feelings of disgust that I had for myself. I cried every night.. and well the bullying stopped after a while. I had naturally gotten "skinny" and I was a straight A student and also a teachers favorite. Things were fine for quite sometime until my family shifted again, to this new town. Everyone thought I was fine, I thought so too I guess.. or more like I convinced myself that I was fine. New school! Excited on the outside and scared to death on the inside.

All those things I faced- the bullying and abuse caused me to become somewhat, unstable.

First day to school seemed great, I made friends real quick. Everybody was really friendly.

But it all broke down.. all the past traumas built up and now I was seeing and hearing things that did not exist- hallucinating because of stress. Basically, I had schizophrenia.

I spoke to these new "imaginary friends" and that was one good reason to be made fun of. I lost all the friends on the very second day. This was all during my 4th grade... the kids said things like "freak" "Psycho" etc.. As a symptom of this disorder, I became isolated, rude, and VERY rude. I now had anxiety and panic disorder. My parents were hardly at home to spot out what was wrong, neither did they care. My panic attacks worsened over time and I fainted about 20 times a day when I was finally taken to a doctor. The doctor wasn't great.. he gave me pills with large amount of steroids in it which caused rapid weight gain. I gained 30+ kgs in 3 months. I hated myself to bits. I was badly insecure, alone and sick. I stopped eating but that didn't help in losing weight because I was already on those steroids. And worst of it all, I was WRONGLY DIAGNOSED. I was being medicated for seizures, which I never had. I hated myself more than I could've believed. 9 years old, and took a blade to the wrists for the first time not even knowing what I'm doing, it felt good and so I continued. Soon my parents found out about my self harm. They were ashamed to have me as their daughter and beat me nearly the whole night for being such a piece of shit.

5th grade and the first suicide attempt. I skipped school most of the time. From being the best student, I started failing.

I critisized every part of me and my life.

I had another suicide attempt. I was taken to the right doctor. Finally, diagnosed with:

Paranoid schizophrenia

Social, General & panic anxiety

Bulimia

Bipolar disorder

DSH issues

Suicidal tendencies

I was on over 25 meds each day. Nightmare- is all I can say.

The cutting got worse and nothing seemed to affect me. I was covered in cuts, burns and bruises that I gave to myself for both as a release and punishment.

Attempt 3. Swallowed sleeping pills.

Lying on the hospital bed, I decided I want to change. Enough with letting the bullies win. I wanted to recover.

I got discharged and I joined a music class (music is my only escape and has helped me to stay alive) and started with sports. I dropped out of school at age 12 when I realized that even changing the school doesn't work. I am continuing my education though.

I still cut occasionally but it wasn't as bad as before.

I started playing sports and made new friends.

The whole year from 12-13 age, I put it into my best to recover. I still got bullied A LOT for my hallucinations and delusions but I wanted to recover.

I relapsed many times, but put myself back up.

Self harm decreased.

Medicines decreased.

I am going to turn 14 in a few days and I'm currently 2 months clean.

I have my ups and downs, but I have promised myself to never find comfort in killing myself.

Sorry for making it so long.. I even missed out a few things because it already was lengthy :)

Not the happiest ending, but I will sure make it one!

ADVICE:

Cut off everyone who puts you down.

Nobody deserves to suffer.

Everyone should love themselves.

Nothing is worth hurting yourself over.

I am with you. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Repeat with me:

"MY CURRENT SITUATION IS NOT MY FINAL DESTINATION!"

STAY STONG

KEEP HOLDING ON

DONT YOU GIVE UP

YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH!

💜