My experiences have mentally destroyed me. I go see a therapist every week. And I have started writing and drawing as a healthier alternative to dealing with my depression. My experiences have made me care a lot about people but also be so afraid of them. And my experiences made me want to end my own life.

It started in the third grade. A girl who bullied me everyday shoved me to the ground at recess and threw handfuls of dirt and grass in my face.

And I would go home and I couldn't talk to my parents about it because they were too busy screaming and yelling at each other. And this girl did this everyday until the fourth grade when she moved away. But the bullying continued. It was not only physical but now verbal. I got punched in the arm and in the back every day and called fat, ugly, and an ugly cow. And then one of the girls who were bullying me invited me to her sleep over. It was the first sleep over I had ever been to. Long story short. The girls plotted to put toothpaste and glue in my hair when I went to sleep and the girl who invited me tried to hurt me by pushing me into a pile of old wood with rusty nails and rattle snakes in it. Thankfully there was a chain link fence the pile was leaned against so I caught so I didn't fall completely into the pile and I hid in the girl's older sister's room the rest of the night and went home first thing in the morning. My parents didn't understand what was happening cause they were as usual busy fighting. And then another move. But a different town and different school so I was excited that things would be different. Also because my parents promised to stop fighting. But as soon as 5th grade started..so did the bullying. The name calling was worse. And so was the physical abuse. Every classmate and friend I made even the new kids got turned against me. Rumors went around that I was lesbian and made out with girls in the restroom. I was called ugly. Fat ass. Ompaloompa. Cunt. Faggot. Stupid. Shitface. Freak. Weird. Loser. Emo. Gothfreak. And all because one girl decided I was an outcast somehow. One day everyone lined up on one side of the room and started to chant "the outcast is a fat ass" and they all pointed at me and laughed as they said it. I thought what would my parents do in this situation and I thought back to when they faught. I threw a book and a pair of scissors toward them. It went passed their heads and hit the wall behind them. They shut up. They stood and stared at me. I then threatened to send them all to hell myself. I got sent straight to the office along with the girl who bullied me and started all the stuff. My mom came and got me immediately. I told her what happened and she relized how neglegent she had been. She divorced my dad being tired of fighting him and moved us in with her parents. I didn't change schools. But was placed in another classroom with another teacher. But the word had gotton around about what I did and no one would talk to me. By 6th grade I went to the middle school nearby and a lot of the people who I was in 5th grade with followed. Some apologized and some avoided me. And then some decided to bully me some more. I was even more alone. I had a creepy male gym teacher and people bullying me at every chance they got. So I skipped that class. I hid in the girls bathroom. I was bullied by both teachers and students. Teachers called me stupid, and clueless. A group of students tried to fight me for no reason and I ran off away from them. And a group of guys cornered me and started to yell and spit in my face that I was a slut and a whore. It pushed me to hurt myself. I took the spring out of a mechanical pen and bend the spring straught and used the ends of the spring to make scratched on myself. I would do it till it burned too much or opened a little bit. Then I'd let it heal a bit and go over it with the wire once more. I even started contemplating suicide. I told my mom what all happened and when she brought it to the principle he dismissed it as "kids are just having their fun its okay" my mother was livid and pulled me out of that school. We moved once more and I went to a different school. Things were better there. But my parents continued to fight. And I got dragged into the middle of it all. It made me more depressed. But at least I wasn't bullied. By high school I joined drill team but couldn't handle the drama. And the last year I joined color guard but found it wasn't for me. That same year I was in a very abusive relationship. I got yelled at. Got called a bitch. A slut. And was even threatened to be hit. Then my best friend went missing and my bf didnt believe me. He just stood there and laughed. After I got out of that relationship I was gone. Mentally. I started to believe what my ex always said about me and decided to live up to the label. By the time I was caught I started to seek professional help.

I am a junior now. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and body image issues.

I have gotten better with not having the suicidal thoughts. And I've thrown away the bent out spring.

I could deny I have never been a victim of bullying or abuse but I am. And as sick as I feel when I speak and write about my experiences I know I am helping someone else know that they are not alone.

I may still be trying to recover from everything but its better than never have gotten help.

I have been bullied. But now I have amazing friends who love, care and support me.

If I had committed suicide then I wouldn't be able to help others who are or have gone through bullying and abuse.

I'm glad to be alive.

My advice is to NEVER let anyone's crappy personality or crappy actions change who you truly are. If they can't deal with who you are they don't deserve your attention. And that's their own problem. Not yours.