Before I start, I finally accept the fact that i am gifted. Like some other people.

I had different interests, different likes and abilities from the ones around me. Don't get me wrong, I am not some oh-super-genius child. Just a bit smarter than usual. I had a different look and i liked playing with boys and my brother. My father is a police and i admired him. Guns, bows, wrestling, punching kicking was fun. I also liked to dress up and acted girly when i wanted. I hated playing with girls because, well, it is obvious that i have a different taste. They hated me. But mother wanted me to be a lovely doll. She talked to their moms and the girls took me in to their games. I had no escape. My role was a baby most of the time and i didnt talk, walk and do something! Of course they enjoyed it. I finally got rid of them thanks to my brother. I persuaded my mom and she entrusted me to him. that was the good part of getting bullied. because it was till i became 6.

Because of my father we moved a lot. Finally we settled down and i started school. I was too shy for my own sake. Everytime i made a best friend, she moved away. And "the Best Friend" used me. Bad. I couldnt share anything with her because i heard it from someone else next day. I had morals so i helped her, keep her secrets. A little cousin of mine bullied me bad. With my mothers encouraging, i fought with her. Then we became really close friends. Yet she was little and we lived a bit far away. I was scared of beating up girls, because when i was little, one of them cried so bad with just a little slap. I beat up boys in school, they respected me. Girls loved me. But this best friend used me every chance she got. That meaning, nearly always. 6 years, and i got the courage to protect myself. She wasn't as bad as before, but still... Then the transfer student fiascos began. They were seeing me as the point of proving themselves. I was sick of punching, kicking them. But our teacher was a bit too stuck-up to concern herself with low-lives such as us. One guy keep calling me names, about 4-5 months. I had anger issues and i was surpressing myself so much it was unhealthy. He stopped bullying me when i kicked him at the right place. 8 years of wrong education made me bored, i was in depression. Well, because gifted childs need special education. My mum couldn't help me much, My father wasn't always home, teachers couldn't answer me and all of them were sick of me asking even when i started to read encyclopedias for fun and to feed my hunger for info.

I was always around the school staff, asking them about their job. And in cram school, i couldn't make any friends, so staff again.

I wanted to go to a high school that would help me to cease my curiousness, which is nearly impossible by the way, i choose a private high, because i would be in a class of students with scholarship. I was nice and all but after a week or so my class has changed. They put me in a class of smart students. The newly made bestie was left behind sadly. Most of my new class was a bit holier-than-thou minded. I didnt know then but looks like i had social anxiety disorder. Let the secret bullying begin. They are smart you know? A full girl school gotta have this cold secret wars. They were most likely pissed off by my no-ties policy (not in a group, not same friends for everytime), cool attitude, always smiling, being nice and helping out, getting along with school staff, loved one of teachers( like always)... Does sound too artifical but it was because of my up-bringing. I do care about manners a lot. No bad word or moves. Self-sacrificing to the end. It wasnt just in my class, the outside of oh-so-smart class bullied me a lot and thanks to my teacher i was getting more and more pissed. Even one of their big sis threatened me! The year has ended and the issue disappeared like that.

And came the worst year ever. I was envied ( I never understood this, what was there to be jealous about me?) and a bit of an outsider. I was social wreck all the time even before high school, i mean, which 7 year-old reads encyclopedias and hang-outs with middle aged people? I was too mature for my age, didnt know much about clothes, was too boyish, always read something, or slept, or draw, or do "technological stuff" as they called. BOOM! I was about to go crazy. I always had a weak body, i was starting to get some serious ilnesses, mum was sad, this saddened me more. My brain didn't leave me alone. Shrink put the wrong diagnosis. Okay, I was in depression but that didn't mean i was supposed to use anti-depressants. Mom realised and i left it at that. 2 years of ghostness. Then university exams. I didnt choose a career path and was swimming in the depression lake so i didnt even apply to a univercity. In my 3rd year in high school,(its 4 years in my country) with a cousin of my age, we got close and healed each others wounds. She taught me a lot in the social case and i helped her to think before she acted. I was answering back when they tried to pick on me! That was a huge start. I started to dress up and care for my body. I always had a nice body, i was never insecure about myself. But no, i dont like showing it off. And oh, looks like it was possible to dress up modestly and look nice at the same time(!). We, my cousin and i, are really close friends now. We went to same cram school to prepare for university again. Looks like my school buddies really were pricks. Yet i was still a social wreck. I learned it, made close friends (i luv them alllll!), and noone dares to pick on me now. My smile is still my mask but i dont bootle up my emotions. I smirk, i glare( I am told my glare is really scary :D ) i show that i am a human. Well, A part of it is because i went to another shrink with the reference of my cram school teacher ( that woman is lovelyy!!) Bang bang! I started using medication for my real disorder an it helped a lot. When i say it, I MEAN it. It wasnt simple enough for me to ignore. It was playing with my mental health.

My cousin went out of country for university. My father didnt want me to( :'( ). But its okay since i am supposed to learn how to get along with my family now. My university choice was really hard, yet here i am waiting for it to open after one month.

I am still trying to tidy myself up. Its really hard but i am not alone anymore. My mum is beside me.( She lost herself when i told her i was thinking of suicide :S). I am talking to my cousin through internet. And praying, thanking to God for never leaving me by myself. He was my only consolation through this 19 years of my life. I woul have suicided long ago if i didn't think it would upset him.

Its not about reality of it. A person needs to believe in someone/something.

This is the amount that came flowing through my hands. It is harder when living. Wandering around the sanity-insanity line is not something that can be explained. Just wait, and you will meet the right people when you need them most.

My department in university will be psychology by the way ;)