"sticks and stones may break my bones but words can't hurt me." As a little kid, this was my favorite quote. Now, I completely hate it.

things that you should know about me before you read this:

1. my mom worked at a daycare/preschool. I went to that preschool.

2. during the summer there was a program called VENTURE, I had to be apart of that since my parents didn't trust me.

3. I have OCD

4. this is hard for me to do. I used to have a lot of confidence. but bullying destroyed that confidence for me. I haven't even written that much and I'm already crying and shaking.

5. I like to write, it is my escape. so I'm sorry if this is long.

6. my bullying story is sad and seems to repeat a lot. but it is sadly all true.

7. i have trust issues because of bullying

The first time I was bullied I didn't really know or care about it. I was in preschool, I only had 2 friends. my first friend was fine (she isn't in this story.) but my other friend was just mean. she bossed me around a lot. telling me to her certain supplies and whatnot. and when I wanted to play, she always told me to get lost. finally the day came. she asked me to get her scissors. I went to get them of course, but I held them improperly, they way you would cut someone. I walked up to her, snipping the scissors behind. she then screeched "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? ARE YOU TRYING TO CUT MY HAIR? DON'T YOU DARE CUT MY HAIR! GO AWAY!" I dropped the scissors and ran away to play with dolls by myself. The teachers did not even care that someone wasn't using their "inside voices" It didn't bother that much that she yelled at me. it did when she started calling me names, "LOSER, STINKY, WEIRDO!" from an adults ears, these aren't even insults. from a kids ears it was like bullets to my self esteem. My mom worked in a room called "the school age room" where after school kids from kindergarten to 7th grade went to hang out till their parents picked them up. when my "friend" called me names in the afternoon. I would knock on the window to the other room where my mom worked and give her what she calls "puppy dog eyes." she would then let me in and let me hang with the big kids. they were cool, they didn't call me names, they played board games with me and laughed at my jokes.

everything was fine until I went kindergarten, where I experienced my first real slice of bullying, when I started hating who i was. during the day, we would have free time to go to stations, they were little play area filled with plastic kitchen toys and other fun stuff. one station was called "the mailman letter area" ( i know weird name, we were kids.) the students were allowed to write to other students in the classroom. it was the most popular station. so naturally I hung out there. My writing was horrible then. my handwriting sucked, and i only knew a few words like " I love you, mommy and daddy, Sam (my dog at the time) and kitty. the other students were more advanced. so when ever i sent a letter to them they looked at me weird and ignored me. all i wanted was a letter back from someone. i never got one. then there was one kid who the entire class thought was annoying, (lets call him boy 1) boy 1 sat next to me for the longest time since our seats were assigned. one day he thought it would be hilarious to stab a pencil in my eye. i cried out in pain. i couldn't open my left eye (i think it was, it was a long time ago. i remember the pencil stabbing, i don't remember which eye.) i was crying very loudly. some of the students were laughing, others just stared, few didn't even look up. Boy 1 was moved after kindergarten.

then first grade came. the bullying still wasn't bugging me to much. teacher 1 thought it would be an awesome idea to have the students write their own stories and draw pictures to make their own book, students could read each others books and it will all be AMAZING!!!! nope. my handwriting still was horrible. i knew a few more words which was good. everyone wrote their own books, you were popular if your books were read. All i wanted was for someone to read just ONE of my books. once again nobody did. except for teacher 1. she told me my handwriting was unacceptable and i need to bring my 110%. little did she know, that was my 110%. i had to rewrite so many stories over. there were so many faded words from my eraser. one of the reason why i can't stand them today. they basically scream MISTAKE!

2nd grade... this is where bullying takes a small toll. my handwriting was finally readable and my vocabulary was doing amazing. since i thought people didn't like me because of that, i spent all summer reading and writing to my golden retriever, it helped a lot. So oddly enough i was in a popular group. They treated me nicely and we all shared snacks during snack time. then came what i personally call "swing day" we were hanging out by the swings when one of the girls (we will call her girl 1) said "lets talk about boys!" nobody argued. during the second grade i kinda had a crush a boy (boy 2, is his name!) he was nice to me unlike the other boys and he was fast and sporty. so i told my new popular friends i liked him. then girl 1 said " oh (my name), he doesn't like you, he likes me. all the boys like me! he said you were stupid!" and everybody laughed. i was heartbroken. i thought i was smart because if the summer reading thing but i wasn't, i started crying. one of the other nicer girls asked: " what's wrong." i screamed "GO AWAY! i want to be alone." they left. that ended our friendship. every day at recess i swung on the swings. it made me feel better. my love for the swings was born.

3rd grade. I've only written these two words and I'm sobbing. the first few bullying incidents are kinda minor. but 3rd grade. was just awful. no kid should have t go through this. no kid should have to go through bullying. so even though i was bullied in the past i had a few friends. but a major company that basically owns my hometown moved them far away. so me being a friendless little kid who likes to read i scoped out some of the kids who looked nice and fun. i saw three girl girls hanging out by the gymnastic double bars that no one knew the name on (and thought was a bike rake) i ran over to them and i thought we really hit it off. (we will call them girl 2, girl 3 and girl 4) we were having so much fun... until the FIRST incident. we were playing on what we called the magic carpet because it reminded us of the magic carpet from alidian. we were having a contest on who could hang on to the magic carpet the longest. so basically pull ups but with no pulling or going up. i was against girl 2, i won. "yea! i won." i cheered. it was kinda my first time winning something with kids my age. "whatever." girl 2 said. "you cheated anyway!" i felt kinda bad. those words stung. "yeah." girl 3 and 4 piped in. "LOSER, STUPID,WEIRD" girl 2 yelled. i ran to swings abandoned crying. i didn't hang out with them for a couple days. since i was getting lonely, and i didn't feel like talking to anyone else i went to hang out with girl 2,3 and 4. it was getting near valentines day and i had a new crush. (boy 3) he was cute and athletic. we were all sitting on the double bar thing when girl 2 asked "who's your crush guys?" girl 3 said she didn't have a crush. Girl 4 said she had a crush and she said who it was. "well (my name) who's yours?" girl 2 asked. silence. " we told you ours now spill, who is your crush." i told them. "your secret is safe with me." girl 2 said. the next day girl 2 came up to me and said " so i met up with boy 3, it was kinda awkward. i didn't know what to say except that you likes him. he doesn't like you." she smiled "sorry." she said while laughing. how could i be such an idiot?! i thought to myself. it happened again. my secret was told AGAIN! tears came, "oh are you going to cry" girl 2 smirked. "I think this is why boy 3 doesn't like you. you look like you need alone time. so go run along to your precious swings you crybaby!" i did exactly that. i sobbed while swinging. a few days later, i was lonely once again. so i begged girl 2 since she was kinda the leader of the group to be friends again with me. she finally said yes! i was over the moon happy. we were once again friends for a little bit. but while we were in the computer lab, i got an email. it read in big, red, bold print: "(my name) we don't like you. you are annoying and you whine to much. please stop trying to get us to be friends with you. no joke we HATE you. now you may proceed to go cry while your swinging. LOSER! from, Girl 2,3,4. that day i didn't cry i just sat on the swings, thinking if the world would be better off if i was dead. or maybe if things would get better if i ran away. ( i know this is repeating ALOT) so once again i was getting lonely. what did i do? i went to girl 2,3 and 4. they were on top the monkey bars. i went over to them. hoping they would like me again. nope. they meant that email. 2: " what are you doing here (my name)?" me: " i...i was wondering if you would like to be BFFS?" 2:"did you not get our email? we HATE you! you're weird, stupid, a freak!" 3: " a creeper!" 4:(sits in silence) 2: yes! a creeper! not to mention your clothes! i mean come on! littlest pet shop is stupid." me: (mumbles) "it's not stupid." 2: and your family! i barely even know them but boy are they also stupid. your kids are going to look UGLY!" Me: "please stop." 2:" only if you get on your knees and beg like the dog you are." i get onto my knees and plead " please stop." 2:" wow you really are stupid!" 2 reached into her pocket and threw pebbles the size of your thumb nail at me. 2: FREAK! STUPID! LOSER!" me: (as loud as i can) "STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" 2: "oooooohhhhh! someones mad!" (still is throwing rocks) "CRAB, MAD (my name) FACE IT (MY NAME) YOU ARE GOINGOT END UP GETTING FIRED FROM MCDONALDS AND LIVING THE STREETS! YOU'RE WORTHLESS! YOU AREN'T TALNTED AT ALL. I HOPE YOU DIE YOU FRIENDLESS LOSER!" i ran away but i tripped an fell forward. 2 jumped down from the monkey bars and go in my face and said "nobody liked you anyway." and then kicked me once while i was still down. i got up and ran to the swings. crying. that night i told my parents i was being bullied. i asked if i could stay home for a day. they didn't believe me. i told the teacher and she screamed "THIS SCHOOL IS BULLY FREE (MY NAME) SO STOP MAKING UP LIE" i stopped talking to people. i believed all the nasty things people said about me. then one day a girl from my math class sat down on the swing next to me girl 5: " why do you like the swings so much?" me: (shrugs about ready to cry. earlier that day someone wrote something mean about m in the bathroom stalls, i was surprised that i hadn't cried earlier.) 5: you don't talk much do you? me: (shakes head) 5: want to hang out with me and my friends? me: (smiles) yes. i would love to.

4th grade came and i was friends with 5,6, and 7. we were all weird and we didn't care. but then 6 had to move to north Carolina. a few weeks later 7 had to move to. 5, 7 and i got into a huge fight about how i was making to big of a deal about 7 leaving. i screamed: " YOU KNOW WHAT. JUST SHUT UP. IVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. I THOUGH WE WERE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER BUT WE AREN'T. YOU HATE ME. JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN MY LIFE!" i ran off crying to the swings. nobody came to check on me to see if i was ok.

5th grade. i became true friends with 3 and 4. we both hated 2 and we were just plain out weird! i was finally happy. then a new girl joined our class. girl 8 suddenly decided that she was BFFS with 3 and 4 but not me. when 3 and 4 weren't around she would tease me. using the same words that 2 used to bully me. but i didn't cry. 3rd grade taught me nothing besides how to cry silently, how to make it look like you weren't crying and how to shove your feelings down to an unhealthy level. i joined soccer, 8 was there too. the team was playing a game called "keep away" you keep the ball away from all of the players. i took the ball from her a couple times when she apparently had enough. she tackled me, her hands around my throat, trying to cut off my oxygen. she the used one hand to try and choke me, with her other hand she punched me in the stomach. i finally pushed her off of me. what did the coach do? he said: "ladies this isn't a wrestling match." i then quit soccer. not wanting to see 8 again.

6th grade. (trying to make it not to so long. srry 8( ) middle school. since i was a Disney geek i thought middle school dances would be more magical then prom. so i asked a guy i liked. he said yes! i was more than happy. i was just... no words happy. the day of the dance came and i thought it was going to be a fairy tale. nope. long, sad story short the guy hung out with his friends, when i asked him to dance, he ignored me. later in the year people made up nasty rumors about me. like how i was held back a year ( i wasn't) and so on. summer finally came. dad, mom, my brother and i were going to Disney in FL for the first time. for the entire way down south, my brother called me names. and just when we were 100 miles from the border of florida. we got the news that my grandma died. my brother yelled: " THANKS, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, CRAB!" i burst into tears, from the insult and the news.

7th grade ( the end is near) the bullying kind of stopped except for my brother. i learned to ignore the mean things and be who i want to be. once again summer came. we went to Disney to try again to make this a magical trip and it was. but throughout the entire trip, my brother was acting up. reason why: he had autism. my parents told me while he was in the shower. he had been alive for 11 years and they are just telling m now?! i was mad. but i shoved those emotions down again.

one of these days I'm going to snap. all my rage and sadness will be released... :( teachers, please read. don't just put up anti bullying poster and call it good. get to know your students. watch what is happening in the hallways instead of watching the game on your phone. i think. my point. i proven.

7th