Ever want something so bad, then not being able to get it? Well that's the story of my life. No matter how many times i tried to reach death, I was never able to make it all the way. It's like we were so close but i was never able to touch it.

I guess the beginning of my depression started when my father went dormant, I didn't really know what depression was at the time but now that i look back, yea, it began there. For the first six years of my life, he was by my side, then all of a sudden he disappeared. No phone calls were answered, no letter returns, no nothing. Hannah Montana made me sad because her dad was always there and he even came to find her when she ran away. (i still watched it even though i would cry sometimes, i couldn't resist singing the theme song.)

Anyways yea, things at home were a bit difficult. My mom would always depend on men to get things done. Day in and out, there was always a guy there. She was in an on and off relationship with this one dude, and he dictated our household. He never touched me or my siblings but he did hit my mom. Seeing this made me afraid around men. When he was gone my mom would get mad and angry at me and my sister for not cleaning up, being organized, etc., and she would hit us. Don't get me wrong, she loved us and all but her punishments were cruel. When it would get bad, my sister would run away and I would be left alone in the house with my brother and I. Sometimes we waited for her to come back, sometimes we searched, and others, we did nothing. My sister would take the blame for most stuff and would receive the harsher end of the stick.

While all this was going on, at school I was being called names. I wasn't a Victoria Secret model and had some fat on me (food is my bf, i can't break up with it, oh well). I was called ugly and overweight. I tried my best to not let people get to me but they did. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," that right there is one of the biggest lies ever told. Whenever we would go out to recess or pe, I didn't really get to participate. They would tell me that my weight would hurt someone. They said that they were doing what was best for everyone by leaving me out and it sucked. When someone who is your "best friend" leaves you to sit by yourself while they went and played with the others, it makes you feel like crap. I, being the person that i am, smiled brightly and said that it was ok. I went home and cried my heart out.

When my mom finally broke all ties with that guy, things got 100% better. She still was a clean freak and had her moments but they were "twice in a blue moon". My father showed up for court finally, at one point he claimed i wasn't his even though we clearly could have been twins. Every now and then he would visit me. We started to grow a relationship, it wasn't a big one but it was there. Anyways things were becoming much easier until my cousin who was like a sister to me, passed away. It was the most horrible months of my life. I became a rock and thought about seeing her sooner. I didn't try to commit at that time but i was pretty beat. We were gonna have classes together if it weren't for hbfbcnkxh. I didn't know that my last goodbye was my last goodbye. I never got to see her when she was in the hospital. In school, people would come up to me and ask about what happened, they asked how her body looked, they came up with all these questions and wouldn't leave me in peace. Some even said it was my fault. If i had been a better cousin, she would still be alive. I started to believe it. They continued to pick on me and made the grieving process 62648579838248589x harder.

I never said anything to anyone, I continued to smile until i met this boy. He helped me a lot and i thought of him as like another brother.

My sister moved out for college and my brother from birth went to live with a friend to be closer to his school. No one really bothered me then, except for the few comments here and there. About two years later, he passed away. Cancer. Everyone I was close to left. Life came crashing for me. I locked myself in my room, I ate less(sorry bf), and I slept a lot. I couldn't focus in school. I came to the decision that I wanted to be near both my cousin and him. First suicide attempt. I of course, failed. I was angry and hurt.

I slowly moved forward,I started to make friends. Even though I was always surrounded by them I felt lonely. We had lots of convos but they never really knew about my problems.

My past came back to me. My own mom looked at me and told me that I wouldn't be anything, she told me I was too big and couldn't get a guy like that. she told me I was not pretty. Go Mom! Every other day she would repeat these things to me. She told me everything a daughter would loooovvvveee tooo heeeaarrr her mom say. I started to grow a strong dislike towards her, super close to hate. I couldn't hate her because she still took care of me.

I got tired of living, attempt number two occurred.

Everything was still kept on the down low.

I started to write about how i felt and that was a major stress reliever. Writing became my outlet. I also picked up drawing.

Recently I have made the decision to just let everything go but it's hard. no one makes fun of me anymore so that's good but my mom is just so hard to deal with. After the attempt number two, she became "regular" but all good things have an end. she got mad because I disobeyed her (worst choice I ever made), and somethings happened. Let's just say I have some battle scars :)

I have never once cut because i didn't want to risk someone finding out. After the incident with my mom, I did. It was something to get my mind off of all the pain I felt. Ay, i'm always told to try new things *insert wink here*. I have realized how lucky I am. Just as I was about to make it all be over, my brother and my grandma are knocking on the door. I didn't want them to be the ones to find me in a messed up state, I know how everyone was after the death of my cousin so I didn't do it. I'm glad that they came. Uhh this was kinda hard, and this is so long omg i apologize.

It's been almost a month since I was once again saved. I feel a lot better and met some great people. Thank the lord for internet man. I am proud to say that the cuts are fading.

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tbh, i miss it.

i miss being alone.

i miss crying into my pillow.

i miss staying in my room all day.

i miss sleeping in.

i miss feeling pain.

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In the past, I became someone who wasn't me. One time i became the type of person I hated. It made me sick. Never again. I wear a real smile now. I don't need to try to fit in anymore, and neither do you. This is just another obstacle you must face.

No need to fear, Freedom is near.

You're outstanding. You're amazing. You're beautiful, You're handsome. You're smart. You will go far in life. You will live your dream. You will make it.

In the end it will all be okay, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

P.S. - I love you