Hello, my name is Tobias. I'm not sure if I can write my name in this, but I just wanted to start off with this. My name has not always been Tobias. My parents named me Charlotte. For the first 10 years of my life, I was Charlotte Mae. I was my parents little girl, always happy and always playing. My parents loved me. I wasn't the perfect child growing up and I did get into trouble, but regardless they always were my number 1 fans. One day, however, my mom and dad sat me down to talk to me. They were easy going about it, and while I was playing they decided to bring it up. They asked me a question that would spark my curiosity for the next 2 years. My mom said, "Char, baby, do you want to get a princess castle in the back yard?" I didn't like princesses, and they were never of my interest. I would always play with action figures with my brothers, thinking it was normal because well, I had to fit in with them. But a princess castle? I said no, but later I would find out why they asked me this. They noticed that I liked boy toys, and I never really wanted to wear the pretty princess dresses my friends would wear. I hated the smell of nail polish and wouldn't let my mom come near me with it. I was always dirty, taking adventures, and being reckless. I didn't think much of it, as I was young and didn't know a lot. I was carefree and lived how I wanted to. But then I started to grow up. I started to notice things I didn't like. At age 9, I started to ask my mom questions about my body. I was slow to develop, but I noticed my friends changing, and it scared me. I asked my mom if that would happen to me and how I could stop it. My oldest brother was 16 at the time and he seemed so cool with his big muscles. He wouldn't wear a shirt, and sometimes I'd take off my shirt when himself and my dad would work on the roof. I'd pretend I was working too. My brothers would laugh, and try to get me to put my shirt back on. They didn't know what went through my mind, they didn't know that I wanted to be a boy. I talked to my mom about it, and she said maybe I'm hanging around my brothers too much and need to see some more girlfriends. She organized a big sleepover for me and a few friends, but I wasn't very enthusiastic about it. My dad took my brothers camping and I was mad I didn't get to go. I tried to have fun with my friends, but they all wanted to do mani pedis and talk about boys. Well, first off, the only things running through my mind were "what the **** is a mani pedi?" and "why were you looking at his butt anyway?" I made it through the night pretending I was happy with my friends. I cried myself to sleep silently in the corner. And when I woke up and my friends left, I ran to my mom. I wiped my tears from my face, hugged her, and said, "Mom, hold on tight. This is the last time you are going to be able to hug your baby girl. Call me Toby." I pulled away soon after, and my mom smiled at me. She smiled at her baby boy, and said, "Okay, Toby, let's go meet your brothers at the lake. We can still get the good fish if we go out now!" My mom was my biggest supporter. I never second guessed my decision. My whole family sat down and discussed it. My brothers thought it was cool and my dad accepted it. On my tenth birthday, my parents got my name legally changed to Tobias, Tobias Oliver. I was no longer Charlotte. I was now who I wanted to be. My mom and dad worked with me to switch out my entire wardrobe. I really felt like I was the happiest boy in the world. My parents were so accepting and everything worked out. But as I got older, my body changed. My short haircut, new name and clothes weren't going to cut it anymore. I hated my body so much. I couldn't understand why I wasn't just able to be who I wanted to be. The worst part of it all, though, was the bullying. My friends were accepting of me and we still hang out all the time to this day because they're my gurllsss. But the boys? They laughed at me. They told me I was just trying to be cool. They said things to me that still haunt me to this day. One thing that sticks with me the most, something I still hear everyday is "you're not a real boy." I came home in tears the first time I heard that, and I told my mom I hated her for making me a girl. I didn't hate her. She's my mom and she raised me and I love her with all of my heart. But I was in pain. I didn't understand why I couldn't just be happy. I hated myself so much. I wished I was a real boy. I wished I could be normal. One day I couldn't take it anymore. I was 11 years old the first time I hurt myself. I instantly fell in love with the feeling. I knew it was wrong, but I told myself that I was just taking the girl out of me. If I couldn't be a "real boy," I'd at least have to make myself as real as possible. I hurt myself every night and didn't want to stop. However, on my 12th birthday, my mom told me it was time. Six months later, I was finally a real boy. I might not have been a boy from the start, but now I felt like it, for real. It was the greatest feeling in the world. This surgery, though, meant the doctors would have to see my thighs. In all the excitement, I went into the surgery without thinking about it. When I came out, they told me I should do therapy, and of course they told my parents. It felt unreal. I never wanted them to know. I couldn't believe that I let it get to that. Time went on, I got therapy, and eventually I stopped hurting myself. The bullies had died down ever since the day I stood up to them and said "NOW IM A REAL BOY!" with all the excitement in my voice. But..at 14 years old, I went into high school. There were people there who said things to me, things that hurt more than I ever thought possible. Every word they yelled at me caused a dull, aching pain in my chest. I knew there was something inside me but I couldn't get it out. I want to scream and yell and let it all out but I couldn't do it. I kept it all in. I let them bully me endlessly. To this day, they still use "she" when talking about me. They call me princess. They don't accept me the way I am. I hurt myself a lot again now, but I never will let my parents find out. I want to end my life. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be a girl, I don't want to be a fake boy, I don't want to be anything. I want to be dead. I don't care anymore. Everything they've said to me is true. I'm not a real boy. I'm stupid. I'm worthless. I'm a girl. I'm a fucking girl. I'm nothing but a pathetic girl with a boy's body. I don't even know what I want anymore. I want to be a boy, but I will never be a boy. I want to be alive, but not in this world. I want to die, that's all I know. I want to end this pain. That's what theyre doing to me. I hate bully's. I hate bullying. But I deserve it. I hate the fact that so many people have to go through bullying everyday. None of you deserve that pain. You're all great people. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I'm sorry this is a depressing story. I'm sorry this depressing story is my life.