This isnt a story about me getting bullied but its about how my best friend died and it's my fault :(

My bestfriend and I were neighbours and our fathers were bestfriends since highschool too. We were best friends since we were like 5 and all through middle school. But from where I'm from, we dont get to choose which high school we want to go to. The middle school picks a school they think is suitable for us and we get transferred there.

Surprisingly, my bestfriend and I ended up in the same school and also the same class. I was seriously just so happy. The first few weeks was perfectly fine, we hung out alot and had so much fun together until one day, the 3 'popular' girls in my class started making fun of my bestfriend... At first we just ignored them and went on as if nothing was wrong, but then it started getting worse and I started having this weird feeling whenever I saw those girls hurting my bestfriend... It wasn't a feeling of pity or sadness or something I should feel when a friend is being bullied physically... I felt like I shouldnt get involved or I would be bullied too.

One day, I came back to class after our lunch break and as usual I saw those girls pushing my bestfriend around and I just stood there and watched until they stopped. My best friend then saw me and smiled and waved at me, but then I did something I now regret... I ignored her and walked to my seat as if she didn't exist, then I heard those girls say to my best friend 'See? Even your 'best friend' is ignoring you now. You're so worthless' or something like that.

Things changed after that day. I got new friends and became a real b****h. I never cared about anything except myself and I also bullied people a few times. I totally changed... I wasn't me (but I wasn't THAT bad I mean I was still friends with really good people and I was still nice... I guess and hope). I started doing a lot of stuff I've never done before like ditching school, talking back to teachers and even my parents.

Things were like that for a two years... Secretly I always felt kind of sorry for my bestfriend who I abandoned just like that. When we were in the 9th grade, it was the second semester and school was about to end that day, i saw my best friend crying in the school bathroom. I felt the urge to go up to her and ask if she was okay but because of my pride I didn't. I went in to use the bathroom and left as if she wasn't even there. Next day, my bestfriend didnt go to school. It was math that time, and suddenly our teacher got called into the principles office, after about 10 minutes he came back and said the school had recieved a call from my best friends parents (She was absent that day). Our teacher then told us that my best friend had apparently commited suicide.

I didn't believe it... I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to say or feel, I ran out of school and went straight to my bestfriends house hoping that she would be there, that everything was just a lie. But unfortunately, she wasnt and it was all true. That whole week I stayed home, feeling like shit for what I did. I kept thinking to myself 'I shouldn't have ignored her.. If only I went up to her and asked if she was okay maybe, just maybe none of this would happen.'

It took all the courage I had in me to finally decided to go to her house. I walked into her room and the memories soon hit me hard, we used to have sleepovers at her house when my parents weren't home. I remembered all the gossiping we did, all the games we played, everything. I sat at her desk and noticed a note sitting on top of her laptop that read 'To (my name).' Under that it read 'You always ignore me but to me you'll always be my only bestfriend' i started crying and couldnt stop.

This is my story... I don't know if what i did can be forgiven or not but I'm really sorry for what I did. If I could I would go back in time and change everything. I really miss my best friend :'(

This doesn't really have anything to do with bullying but after I changed there was this guy in my class who is kind of crazy, I always treated him like he wasn't human. He always tried to be nice to me but I would push him away and say mean stuff to him. But after my bestfriend died I stayed away from everyone and they all ignored me and I kind of became depressed I guess... He was the only one who came to me and made me feel better. I think I really like him :) but I don't think I deserve him after how mean I was to him and also after what I did to my bestfriend.

So yah... This is my story.